Chapter 09: Better (Best) Foood
“Will it be the usual today, sir?”
“No-”
“Yes, s- No?”
“No. Today, I’d like to try a more..protein-rich meal.”
It had been nearly a week since I’d started my current “jobs,” and as I got the hang of the schedule, I’d noticed my body felt weaker -not unlike those times back in college whenever I’d skimp out on certain food groups. Namely, the kinds that blatantly stuck their repulsive selves everywhere in this place. Well, I concede that fruit’s delicious and some vegetables, but that wasn’t the point. The intensive guard-training only exacerbated my condition, and even Iron Will noticed my lacking performance. I actually fainted at some point. At first, I wasn’t sure what the heck was wrong, but thanks to the minotaur, we found out the source was probably due to my diet. I will never forget the look on his face when I told him I just got Celestia’s meal everyday but minus all the non-edible herbivore food. Apparently, the minotaurs here are omnivores, and since he eats at the mess hall every day, that meant that the castle had his meals in stock.
“Protein..” Feather Shine repeated. Guess she never messed with the minotaur.
Celestia had a small smile, as though she knew what was happening. Luna just looked worn out from her night’s work. Actually, upon closer observation, both of them seemed pretty tired. Celestia just hid it better.
“Yes, I would like the meal that Iron Will usually gets, if you know what that is.” Cause I have no clue.
Feather Shine’s eyes snapped fully-open. “Right away, sir.” So she does know.
“I’m glad you’re taking better care of yourself,” said Celestia.
“Thank you. If you couldn’t guess already, Iron Will’s the one who discovered that your diet isn’t doing wonders for my health.”
“Well, that is no surprise considering that you’re an omnivore.”
Your meals aren’t exactly healthy for an herbivore either.. “True. I didn’t think you guys had meat though..You know..since you’re ponies.”
Celestia merely chuckled. “What kind of princesses would we be if we treated foreign diplomats to unsatisfying meals?”
“Good point...By the way, is everything alright?”
Celestia’s grin faltered for a moment. “Thank you for asking, Daniel, but do not worry about it.” Her right hoof trailed along her chin. “Actually...we’ve been working a lot with the Departments of Defense and Magic lately. Have you learned about changelings yet?”
“Yes, I have. I understand why Steady Fort went crazy over my “green flash” description now. Those guys have some terrifying abilities.”
She nodded grimly. “Usually, they are easy to detect and fend off; however, along with your account, we have received tips suggesting a disturbing increase in changeling sightings throughout Canterlot. So far, the Department has begun linking together evidence that points to a possible move on Hearts and Hooves Day. In addition, some of the ponies have gone missing or have stopped going to work, but when guards question those they find, everything seems to be normal. None of those ponies have tested positive in the Clover’s Test for Changeling Identification.”
“Ooh...That is pretty serious.”
Luna concurred, “Indeed. We have met several of these ponies personally, and even we cannot find traces of those blasted vermin, except for the strange behaviors of those ponies.” Her entire body seemed to droop down. “We even tried threatening a pony into breaking cover, but -” She smiled bitterly. “The pony only ran away crying ‘Nightmare Moon.’”
Celestia nuzzled her sister. “Be at ease, Luna. On the bright side, you learned that such methods of interrogation are not practiced anymore. Little by little, you will adjust to modern society, and then you, too, will be accepted more readily. The ponies who claim you are still her are uneducated of the actual happenings.”
Seeing this exchange, I wondered, “Hasn’t it already been a thousand years? Why don’t they know?”
Luna seemed to think of the same thing, as she stared at her sister with a look of lost confusion. That face lasted but a moment, as a look of comprehension dawned on her face. She gave a kinder smile and returned a nuzzle before settling back down.
After a couple more minutes, Beamy and Feather Shine returned with our meals. Beamy placed mine in front of me with a barely disguised look of disgust. What...is this.. “So...Iron Will...eats this. I mean, thank you, Beamy!” Set in front of me was a slab of mysterious meat that seemed like it was drowning in its own blood. Did they just kill something in there? I sneaked a peek towards the kitchen -or wherever the pegasi came from.
“Oh? Is the meal not to your liking?” asked Celestia. Whether she was grossed out, I could never tell.
“Uh...there aren’t any...tapeworms...right?” I looked apprehensively at the meal. “Um! I mean! No offense to your food source.”
“That is a reasonable concern, but do not fret. Our meat is carefully selected. Though, if you want something else, the chefs can always prepare a different meal.”
I checked the time. 8:30 am. Too late. “It’s alright! I’ve never tried anything so...fresh before, and I’m not really one to be picky. Besides, I’m just grateful to have meat again!” I picked up a knife and fork and began sawing away. Back home, I wouldn’t bother, but this...this was too much. Had I resorted to my usual methods -sticking a fork in and just tearing off bites- blood would have spilled everywhere. I took the first bite. I chewed. Hmm...not ba- Why is everyone staring? I swallowed. “This is actually pretty decent." I cut another piece. "Guess Iron Will’s got good taste.”
“I’m glad to hear that.”
I looked across from me. Both of the sisters’ meals looked untouched -with the exception of a couple bites of cake. Despite that, Luna seemed absurdly focused on her plates. I looked down at my own.
“Sorry..I’ll just eat this somewhere else.” Just as I picked up my meal and stood, a golden glow forced me back down, and a blue one pushed my chair in. I looked back up to see them smiling softly. I gave them my own.
At 9:00 sharp, I was back at the Department of Defense. I had already finished “the [evil] orientation” and was made an assistant to Steady Fort. Probably just to make sure I’m not incompetent.. But at least, my wages finally began coming in - 5 bits an hour. Usually, it was 10 for beginning assistants, but I was still incredibly new to this world and had my needs provided for by the castle anyway.
“Princess, with all due respect, we have discussed this at length already. Increasing the guards in Canterlot would not help! Not only would the guards’ presence make the citizens wonder what was going on, but also none of the guards so far have been able to find a single changeling!”
“Steady Fort, I understand where you’re coming from; however, do you remember that citizens have been disappearing? More guards would only serve to hinder the changelings’ actions, or even if they weren’t changelings, with more blocks of Canterlot covered, we would have a greater probability of finding the culprit.”
The red pony sighed. “I suppose so, Princess. I’m just worried that we’re spreading our forces beyond their capacity. Will we be enforcing the double guard rule at least?”
“Worry not. Shining Armor has been drilling that rule into the guards’ heads since Day 1 of his captaincy. Hasn’t he, Daniel?”
“Yup! Everyday, he reminds us of all the rules and who we serve. Makes us shout ‘em while we complete all our training exercises.” There was a pause. I took a peek at Steady Fort, who was giving me the eye and subtly flicking an ear at Celestia. Oh! “Princess.”
“Daniel..you know that isn’t necessary.”
“Just professionalism, Princess,” I replied.
“Alright, alright.” Celestia gave such a dramatic, un-princessy-like sigh that Steady even twitched. “Anyway, thank you for your efforts. I will see you tomorrow.”
“Yes, Princess,” Steady replied, and I echoed. We watched Celestia leave. “Alright, colt, let’s go. We’ve got a long day ahead of us.”
“Yes, sir.”
Soon enough, the both of us were immersed in our work.
REPORT FOR: Department of Defense
FROM: Internal Affairs Intelligence Agency
SUBJECT: Disappearance of Peach TartPeach Tart
Missing Since: Dec 20, 2027
Missing From: Canterlot, Equestria
DOB: March 23, 1999
Age Now: 28
Sex: Female
Pony: Earth Pony
Mane Description: Long (touches knees), Wavy, Carnation Pink
Eye Color: Yellow Orange
Cutie Mark: A diagonal silver whisk, handle facing back, whisk facing hind hooves
Height: 3’7”
Weight: 118 lb.
Notes: Peach Tart was last seen shopping near Eagle Eye’s Exquisite Emporium at approximately 15:40. Her coltfriend, Mellow Rye, filed the report on Dec 21, at 20:14. Mellow claims that both had gone shopping for ingredients to stock up and celebrate Hearth’s Warming Eve together. When she did not return that night, he did not think anything major had happened but was determined to report after more than 24 hours from her last sighting.
IAIA Summary:
-Could be linked to other disappearances
-Coltfriend is NS. Has numerous alibis.
-Recommended course of action?
Well. Everything just keeps confirming that Ponyland ain’t all that safe. Hope that pony’s safe. Then again...this was.. I checked a calendar on the desk. Nine days ago.
My hands began automatically filing all the information. I grabbed a small red sticker and placed it on a map of Canterlot -where Eagle Eye’s whatever Emporium was. The sticker then sunk into the map, morphing into a small glowing spot. I then zoomed the thing back out like a smartphone. Freakin’ cool. Ponies somehow did the same finger movements with their hooves, but whatever. Questioning it would only test my sanity. For a couple hours more, I repeated these actions for the missing, found, and maybe-but-not-sure sighted. Somewhere in the middle, Steady nudged me. “Keep it up, colt,” he whispered while grinning.
With lunch break in play, I left the department to walk towards the dining hall. On the way, though, there were more ponies than usual, and most of them were setting up some form of decoration. That’s one way to increase the employment rate.
Before long, I sat across from the Sun Goddess again. Interestingly enough, both of us had arrived later than usual for lunch. And more interestingly, or just strange, her mane seemed to be moving slower than usual. Maybe she controls it, and “slow” is stylish for now?
“‘Tomorrow’ came by quickly,” I commented. “How have the last four hours been, Priiiincess?” A napkin levitated onto my face. “Celestia.” The golden aura surrounding said napkin disappeared, allowing the poor, flimsy thing flutter back down.
“Well, Daniel, you already know the first hour. The last three were dedicated to the Day Court.”
“That’s where you just hear a bunch of citizens complaining or asking for help, right?”
“If you wanted to describe the process crudely. It’s a chance for the citizens’ voices to be heard, and it’s an opportunity for me and my advisors to deliver our aid in a more concrete manner.”
“Uh huh,” I said under my breath. The napkin returned. I spoke through it anyway. “Wow, Celestia, you are so kind and thoughtful towards your ponies -to the point that you hired a bunch to renovate the place for probably a heck of a lot of bits since you’re so generous and all.”
“Aww,” fake-cooed the mare, allowing gravity to work on my face mask again. “Your compliments are greatly appreciated, you little human you.”
“Little? I’m taller than you!”
“If you say so,” she sang.
“If you weren’t a pony, I’d bet a hundred bucks you were a clone of one of my childhood friends,” I muttered absently. “Ah.” Lily... The corners of my mouth struggled not to twitch downwards. I like to believe that I kept a stoic face, but I’m pretty bad at that. Thankfully, Celestia didn’t seem to hear.
“By the way, on the topic of all those ponies I hired, they are decorating the castle for the Grand Galloping Gala in two days.”
“Hmm..I remember reading a couple documents on past Galas during my orientation. It’s just a big party for citizens -but mostly nobles- to come by and say ‘hi,’ right?”
Celestia pouted. “You think so little of my events.”
“No, no, no! It’s just that my overall impression of the Gala from primary sources give that kind of impression.” It would be interesting to see this thing first hand. “Am I allowed to check it out?”
The mare was giggling for whatever reason before she replied, “Of course, you may. In fact, you received a package this morning from Rarity, and if my millenia of experience counts for anything, she has prepared you with an outfit suitable for the Gala.”
“Oh! New clothes? I can’t wait!” I exclaimed happily. At this point, the ones I had on were about ready to fall apart. “Thanks for letting me know, Celestia. Also, how do I send bits to Rarity?”
“You’re very welcome, and I’d be happy to just send the bits for you. Place them in an envelope addressed to Rarity, and Twilight could pass them to her.”
I don’t get it. “How will you get them to Twilight?”
“Magic.”
Go figure. “Alright, as long as this spell ain’t too troublesome, then I’ll take your offer. Thanks again!”
The usual friendly banter continued similarly for the remainder of lunch before we went on our separate ways.
The last stack of reports from the IAIA finally disappeared.
“Good work, colt,” praised Steady. “While processing, any patterns?”
“Thank you, sir. And yes. The incidents are concentrated more around Canterlot. In other words, the concentration of incidents decrease radially outwards; however, within Canterlot itself, there seem to be a couple hotspots. I pointed at one. We, well, the guards need to keep a closer eye on the far end of this street -especially around 2200 to 400. Or, at least, that’s what pops out.”
“Good. That is what we’ve been noticing as well, so-”
Frowning, I continued, “It’s just that…” Steady raised an eyebrow. “All these reports depend on “last seen” times and dates. Is it possible that the culprit is using this to their advantage and maybe, just maybe, throwing us a red herring?”
“Red herring?”
“Bait to lead us in the wrong direction.”
“Explain.”
“The reports depend on pony witnesses. Or maybe even changeling witnesses. Either way, if, for example, a pony showed up at one of these hotspots at a predicted time and was seen by someone, and then, the pony traveled elsewhere only to be kidnapped-”
“Foalnapped.”
“Yes, that. Then, the last data point would be the false trail. And yes, I know we use this “last seen” info as an estimate for where and when the incident occurred, but that’s just it! It would be incredibly easy to fake it. In that case, the hot spots where we’re putting more guards at..would only be decreasing security at the actual incidents.”
“Understandable, but theory relies on assumption that there are no other witnesses after hotspot.”
“Yes. But that’s also easy to overcome with distractions -like a changeling morphing into a friend or loved one and tricking the pony into following through a less-populated and guarded region of Canterlot.” Another thought hit me. “What if we checked sightings of ponies close to the victims? Not just last sightings of those ponies. Sightings from plus or minus a couple hours from last sightings of victims to maybe when a report is filed. There could be a hidden pattern in there..”
Steady’s eyes widened a fraction. “Why didn’t I notice this earlier?” snarled the fluffy red pony angrily before he shook his head. His face smoothed out again. Holy crap. Note: Never anger the boss. “I will let the Princess know of this. Thank you very much, c- Daniel.”
By the time I left the office, there was a slight spring to every step. I checked my watch. Oh, yeah. Broken. It was around 5:40 pm when I got out though. Almost dinner time! I headed towards my room. Along the way, I heard voices coming from further down the hall.
“Ooh,” giggled a pony, “My Prince, why must you be so charming?”
Said Prince replied, “Well, it’s only expected of somepony raised by royalty. I’d be worse than a commoner if I can’t at least reach this level!”
“I couldn’t have put it any better, Prince Blueblood!” agreed another pony.
As we approached each other, I saw a unicorn at each of Blueblood’s sides. One of his front hooves was trailing down the back of the right unicorn, which I noticed only because a pony looks funny walking on three legs.
“Good evening, Prince Blueblood,” I spoke politely with a small dip of my head. Don’t want this guy annoying Celestia and Luna later.
“Oh, hello there, human. I’ve heard much of your exploits as of late. Congratulations with your new jobs.” He whispered to his companions, “New guard and some department assistant.”
“Well,” tittered one of the mares, “That is quite an accomplishment for -” She looked me up and down. “You said human?” The other mare just seemed nervous, pressing herself tightly against the Prince, who looked slightly annoyed at the increased pressure.
“Yes, the human was rescued by Auntie, and by her grace, was given a place to live and work in this castle. Auntie’s generosity knows no bounds, and it would seem that the human is of decent nature.”
Wow, a compliment! “Why, thank you, Prince Blueblood. I strive to do my best for the one who saved me from certain doom.” Curiosity struck. “By the way, if it’s out of my place to ask, let me know, but, I’ve always wondered what amazing tasks you have as a Prince.”
Blueblood nodded. “It’s no bother if it’s just a little of my time. As the Prince of Equestria, I aid Auntie with diplomatic affairs, and occasionally, I travel to many cities to show how much us Royal ponies care for the common citizens.”
“You are so amazing, my Prince,” gushed the right mare.
“That is quite a responsibility. Thank you for enlightening me, Prince Blueblood.”
“Of course, human. And as polite as you are, I would be satisfied if you were to call me Prince.”
I heard a set of footsteps behind me. It was almost comical the way Blueblood’s eyes suddenly widened right as his hoof dropped with a noisy clack. He strained to stand taller. Both mares at this point had stepped backwards, trying to hide themselves behind the cowering prince, and if it weren’t for the voice that followed, even I may have worried. Just a smidgen.
“Blueblood! What dost thou think thou art doing?”
“Aunt-”
“T’is Princess Luna to thee. We cannot fathom my sister’s acceptance of thy pet name for her.”
“Please, forgive me!”
Luna only gave him a reproachful look. “Answer the question, and thou mayest find a pardoning then.”
“I was just showing these beautiful mares around the castle...as a….as a...kindness given by royalty.”
A bored yet displeased look graced Luna’s face. “Blueblood. As another kindness thou shalt bestow upon them, escort them back to their homes. The hours for visiting were concluded several hours ago. Surely you know that as a denizen of this place?”
“O-okay, I’ll show them out, Princess Luna.”
“Art thou deaf?” she asked quietly. Blueblood’s ears pressed against his head. “We said homes.”
“Y-y-y-yes! I m-m-mean no! I will l-lead them b-back home!” He turned to each mare. “Come along, my dears!” He started walking off before pausing. “Where do you live again?”
Watching him leave, Luna snorted once and then looked at me. “Art -are you alright, Daniel? That wretched pony has a history of insulting those he would not take to his bed.”
Ohhh. Bluebutt got served! “I’m alright, Luna. I was just asking about the things he did as a prince.”
Luna shook her head, her flowing mane gracefully shaking with it. I feel like tugging it. Can I even do that? “I will never consider him a prince. Why Tia gave that title, I do not know. He is lazy, selfish, and - by Mother- He told me to address him as Prince and touched my face! The look on his face when We spread my wings as the dunce finally realized who We were was and will be the only time I will ever appreciate his presence!”
“Dang.” I pat her shoulder before we continued the trek to the dining hall. “At least, that meeting woke you up a bit. I’ve never seen you this lively at dinner,” I chuckled.
“I woke up two hours ago.”
“Ouch..Was it the changeling business?”
She grimaced. “Indeed.”
“At least there’s the Great something Gala to look forward to!”
The grimace worsened.
“Nevermind. Is it really that bad?”
“For one with my past, yes.”
My hand found its way to her shoulder again.
Again, I was seated across from the sisters. “Now that I think about it, why am I allowed to continue eating in the royal dining hall anyway?” I wondered.
A sudden flash broke my thoughts. Levitating in front of Celestia’s face was an envelope.
Oooh. That’s what she meant of magic earlier!
“What lesson has come from your student this time, Sister?”
“It’s for Daniel.” Both looked over at me, as the envelope floated over.
“Who would-” Scrawled in crayon read “TO: DANNY!” “This must be from Pinkie. May I open it here?”
“Of course,” replied Celestia.
I gingerly tore the seal - a round sticker with three blue balloons on it. Confetti blasted my face, and I shouted, dropping the letter and falling out of my chair. Silence. I peeked over the table, only to witness two princesses cracking up at my plight. I quickly picked up Pinkie’s evil trap, adjusted my crooked chair, and sat down, leaving the impression that nothing had happened -with the exception of my slowly warming cheeks. Traitors. The volume of giggles increased. I noticed both Beamy and Feather stifling their own. Frowning, I set the envelope aside and picked up the letter, quickly straightening it, and holding it in front of my face.
“HI, DANNY! It’s been sooo long since I’ve seen you! How are you? I hope you’ve been smiling! GUESS WHAT! You don’t know them, but Mr. and Mrs. Cake have foals now! They’re sooo cute. I get to see them everyday!”
A picture of Pinkie and the supposed foals was crudely drawn here. The rest of the letter, Pinkie told me about all the interesting and happy things happening around Ponyville, accompanied by even more pictures. Despite my earlier...situation and despite the threat to throw me a giant party at some point, both corners of my lips had been tugged up by her strange Pinkie magic. I set the letter down, lightly laughing at this point. The princesses shared a look before smiling.
Another flash informed us of another letter. This one, Celestia read out loud.
Dear Princess Celestia,
I've always had fun playing with little kids, and I thought babysitting meant just more playtime, right? Wrong! Being a caregiver is way more responsibility than just being a playmate. And today, I learned that sometimes our desire for responsibility can outrun our actual ability to handle it.
My chuckling grew louder. “Does Pinkie do this a lot? Send random letters about life at Ponyville?”
“No, actually. The letter for you was unusual. The one I received, however, is written as part of a friendship study I’ve assigned to Twilight.”
“Friendship study?” I repeated.
“Yes, every so often, Twilight will send Friendship Reports on what her or her friends have learned.”
“What the h- uh- what did this lesson have to do with friendship?”
Celestia shrugged and gave a b.s. answer. “Learning about responsibility can go a long way when it comes to friendships.” Alright, so not really a b.s. answer. Luna seemed to disagree though, if her eye roll was any indication.
Dinner rolled by soon enough. This time, I had asked the chefs to cook the whatever meat well done and to try to chop it so that the others couldn’t even tell what it was. Though the visuals were fixed, pony noses seem to be pretty decent, but the chefs’ efforts paid off, and there was much less visible discontentment with my meal. Grateful, I asked Beamy to lead me to the kitchen.
“You know you don’t have to do this, right?” asked the pegasus.
“I want to.”
“Alright, here it is!”
There were several chefs in sight all cooking away. Since it was pretty noisy, I took a deep breath and called out, “Thank you for the meal! WOAH!” A griffon had just stepped into view with a giant cake balanced on his talons. I looked at Beamy. “There’s a griffon!” I whispered furiously.
“Yes. That is Gustave le Grand. He got hired not too long ago after showing off all the pastries he could create.”
“...That makes sense.” I bet I know who ate them all, too.
“He’s also the one that cooked your meat.” Beamy wrinkled her nose at the thought. I was already walking over to the griffon.
“Excuse me, sir.” The griffon was still checking the cake. I moved right next to the cake.
“ZIS IS NOT FOR YOU,” Gustave asserted boisterously, quickly moving the cake away from me.
I raised my hands. “You misunderstand, sir! I just wanted to thank you for the meal you cooked me -the one with meat!”
Gustave dipped his head and narrowed his eyes, flickering them over my face for a couple seconds. He straightened back up. “You must be ze human.” Psh. I’m clearly a pony. “Since you are standing here and showing gratitude, you must have exceptionally exquisite taste! That minotaur, he is always just asking for ze meat uncooked.” His head violently twitched upwards when he released an indignant huff, making his weird stache growing from his beak oscillate. “Comme une bête sauvage! And when you, ze human, asked for ze same! I almost-” His face came within inches of mine. “Almost-,” he hissed before returning his face where it belonged. “Came out, myself, to teach you how to appreciate ze art of cooking!” He gave a sharp nod. How does his face not fall off? “You have redeemed yourself zis night, Monsieur.”
“Um..thank you?”
Another satisfied nod with an added chirp. “Bonne nuit!”
“...Yeah! You, too?” I quickly moved back to Beamy, who was grinning.
“Wasn’t that fun?”
“Yeah, sure. Thanks for showing me to the kitchen. Gustave is definitely an interesting character.” So this place has French. Or, at least, it sounds French.
We were walking along towards my room now. “Beamy, I know the way back now.” I stopped for a moment. “No, wait. That came out wrong. I’m really grateful for all the times you’ve taught and accompanied me throughout Canterlot, but now that I know, more or less, my way around here, there’s no need to walk with me. A hard worker like you deserves to go home earlier and rest.”
“Princess Celestia told me to take care of you, and besides, it’s just a couple extra minutes. Won’t hurt at all. Oh! Earlier today, a package arrived for you from Miss Rarity.”
“If you say so...And thanks, Beamy. I’d forgotten about that.” I chuckled. “Can’t wait to see what the fashionista has in store for me.”
“New clothes? For what occasion?”
“According to Celestia, a set is probably for the Great forgot Gala. The rest will most likely be for daily use.”
“It’s the Grand Galloping Gala, Daniel. At least remember it if you’re going! Also, ponies don’t wear clothes normally. You’d be fine not to here.”
“Oh. Close enough! And wearing clothes is something I’m used to. It’s already ingrained in my mind, and now I’m comfortable in it.” And other reasons.
We entered my room. Beamy shrugged. “Well, that’s your choice.” The door shut.
I looked away from Beamy. “Now where’s this package -” Beamy had noticed, too. By the first second, blank looks had adorned our faces.
“Princess Celestia?!” squeaked Beamy.
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When he wakes up, he meets a couple *of talking horses
forget the of
7109349
That, I can do!
Is it because:
"a couple of horses" indicates just two?
and
"a couple horses" is more like "several"?
Edit:
Wait...you mean add the "of"?
I'm a bit confused.
Crap! Ran out of chapters.
7112588 You have no idea (or maybe you do) how happy this comment has made me. :D
I have so much stuff planned out...(mwahahahahaha).
Only wish I had more time to type the story.