Pierced

lordofmyth #1 · Apr 6th, 2014 · 1 · ·

definitely an otherwise okay story. then again the last story i read with pierce in it was him being a serial killer............ somehow overpowering and killing half the mane six despite, well, competence.....................

this story is worlds better by sheer merit that it is not necessarily fucking over chafracter sfor some disturbed power fantasy,.

TrunksXV

TrunksXV #2 · Apr 6th, 2014 · · ·

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Thanks guys!

TrunksXV

TrunksXV #3 · Apr 7th, 2014 · · ·

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>>lordofmyth - Well thanks for the review. I guess that story of Ponies decapitating each other isn't really high on everyone's reading list. I did throw in a reference to "cupcakes" and how Pokey doesn't want Pinkie bouncing off the walls, or hurting herself or others.

I guess you'll just have to go read some better stories that's all.

Comment posted by Fantos deleted Apr 7th, 2014

Autumn Bramble

Autumn Bramble #5 · Apr 8th, 2014 · 2 · ·

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Did he just stick his wiener through her actual cervix which is three inches inside her vagina

"Suddenly Pokey's cock reacted and instantly pierced her vaginal wall again. "

how is she alive

TrunksXV

TrunksXV #6 · Apr 16th, 2014 · · ·

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4203979 Easy, she's Pinkie Pie.

Derpy_Hooves13

Derpy_Hooves13 #7 · Apr 17th, 2014 · · ·

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that was awesome!

Autumn Bramble

Autumn Bramble #8 · Apr 17th, 2014 · · ·

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4242076

Pinkie's vagina sounds horrifying in its abnormalities

Norden

Norden #9 · Jun 16th, 2014 · · ·

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I'm going to be honest with you... This is well written, clean and well edited... but I can't like it. Now, I'm not saying that you are a bad writer, because you are far from it. It's mostly the wrong style for a erotic novel. I know this isn't my cop of tea, since I do not enjoy porn, I enjoy erotica (being a erotica-author first and foremost), but since it was based of one of my favorite stories here on fimfic I gave it a shoot.

My first problem is the setting: If you wanted to make a sex scene between chapter 7 & 8 of Popping her Balloons, then use the work that Finnpony made. She set it up perfectly, so don't make up a new lead up to the ''love''-scene. It just make it awkward when you practically read the same conversation that Finnpony wrote in the chapter before.

My second problem is Pinkie. Pinkie is the kind of pony that wouldn't hang up on something once someone got the topic of her mind. But here she don't want to let go of the thought that she has to have sex just because her friends said so... it's just... AGH!!! Sorry, But I do think you missed Pinkies character there.

My third (and biggest) problem is the pacing. Sorry, but the pacing here... okay let me say it like this: erotic novels, weather it's porno stories or eroticart, are made of build up. You have to make the reader ''kneel on their toes'' (I think that's what it's called... I'm Swedish) by building up emotions, settings and action. You have settings and action, but no build up or emotion. This isn't bad per say, since actually the some of the best first person action novels, or third person philosophic novels are made like this: a ''moment to moment''-style mixed with ''dialog''-style novel... and it still is made well... but it's just the wrong style. You need to build up everything: first you have to build up the story for one of the characters to take the first step. When that goal is finished you have to start a new to build up from the first step to the first sex act. Then you have to build up that from scratch to the end of that sex act, climax or not... and thats how you have to keep doing it: constant start to finish build up sevrel times, making many build up to add to the major one the story is build upon.

And the 4th and last: The languish: Look... it's okay to use naughty words in a erotica... but there is such a thing as to much. You used the word ''pussy'' in 4 sentences straight. Don't use such words to often, since those kind of words are meant to make something stern inside the reader, and using them to often takes much of the ''feels'' away.

Now, like I said, I don't think you are a bad writer. If I had to guess so was this your first attempt on a erotic novel and it was way better then the first I wrote one. Keep trying and follow the pointers of your more serious readers and you can start pouring out gold. If you want to keep writing erotica here on fimfic I will give you some pointers of were you can get some inspiration:

Trix tix
http://www.fimfiction.net/story/48138/trix-tix

The Perfect Gift for a Cellist (a comedy and it uses your style)
http://www.fimfiction.net/story/173737/the-perfect-gift-for-a-cellist

University Nights (erotica tied in to the popular story University Days)
http://www.fimfiction.net/story/47227/university-nights

Magical Callgirl
http://www.fimfiction.net/story/157146/magical-callgirl

A Lesson in Preening
http://www.fimfiction.net/story/82431/a-lesson-in-preening

Censorship Pending (read chapter 60 & 61, that are the chapters of Forgiveness Pending 60 & 61 but with the erotic content)
http://www.fimfiction.net/story/107415/censorship-pending

Nightmare Night--The Dark Mare Rises
http://www.fimfiction.net/story/85642/nightmare-nightthe-dark-mare-rises

Her Muse; Her Inspiration... the best erotic novel on this site... simply put: BEAUTIFUL
http://www.fimfiction.net/story/154599/1/her-muse-her-inspiration/her-muse-her-inspiration

Keep writing and evolving, because your of on a very good start.