On the Nightmare Night Canterlot castle is empty, since everyone went to celebrate. Except for two ponies, deeply attracted to each other. They play an alluring game, hoping to bring their relationship to next level.
(The teen rating is only for the tension, that follows characters throughout the fic, and shapes the style of the story accordingly.. There are some - not too subtle - hints, about things that happen prior to this story, and it's pretty obvious what happens after this story, but there is no actual sex in the story)
Chapters (1)
I agree that this only needs a "teen" rating. It's all implications and suggestions, and there is nothing at all explicit here.
I liked this! I could tell that you're a non-native English speaker, but that was only through some relatively minor things such as missing articles ("the," "an," "a") and perhaps a few misspelled words. I liked how this was a character study of both Luna and Pinkie, exploring what might draw them to one another. In particular, I liked Pinkie's portion of the story--the exploration of her failed previous relationships is something I haven't read before, but it made so much SENSE to me once I read it here, that of course the average pony might find Pinkie overwhelming and too clingy. And the idea that Pinkie would mentally wipe out those relationships from her mind is one I found interesting, too (and heart-breaking).
But of course, Luna isn't the average pony, and Pinkie's frailities and Luna's frailities might just line up just right. (Though I was sad, as a RainbowPie shipper, at what is hinted to be a failed relationship between Pinkie and Rainbow.)
I think my favorite line was "It takes a goddess to [woo] a goddess," as I found that a very clever reference to and use of Pinkie's middle name, especially as Diana was the goddess of hunting.
My main suggestions for improvement would be that there could have been more place-setting--that is, descriptions of where Luna and Pinkie were, how they were moving through the surrounding area, etc.--and the ending felt a bit abrupt and might have been enhanced through some expansion.
Loved it! Too bad is a one-shot...
382635 Thank you for kind your words. I'm really glad you like it, despite the flaws (I fixed the misspelled woo, thanks for pointing that out).
Indeed I didn't provide much info about their surroundings. I will keep that in mind for any future fics, since I keep forgetting about the scenery, when I focus too much on characters. Though in my defense I can say, that I'm not sure I would be able to write about the background without braking the pace.
And now that you pointed out it does seem like it could use better conclusion (something like a last paragraph describing feelings of both ponies, leading to a kiss). I guess I fixated on the idea, that the end of the game marks the start of their relationship. And that made me blind to a potential for a few more sentences.
383252 Thank you, I'm glad you enjoyed it..
And sorry that it's short - I only had a clear picture for this one scene. Anything beyond that moment would feel like dragging and I didn't want that.
I'm glad I came across this. What a lovely story. I can just imagine these two being together. Very well written.
I think that you did a very good job on this fic. Throughout the story I saw some minor flaws, but overall you seem to be quite skilled in the English language. I am glad to have found this gem.