The flight to ponyville was short, but felt so long to WinterLily. It was cold out and she wanted her be in her bed, where it was warm and she was safe. She felt like asking rainbow 'are we there yet' so much.
She could tell rainbow was tired carrying her weight. She was pretty heavy and due to her blindness she never got around to learning how to fly. It was a shame, she always imagined flying, well it seemed more like gliding badly but she knew she could do it one day. If all goes well maybe she could achieve a dream of getting into the Wonderbolts RainbowDash had always fantasized about in her free time.
When they got there her cousin told her everything about the new house and her mother explained to her that she wanted the move to be a surprise for her, but ended up only making her feel bad. WinterLily felt terrible and she began to tremble, she wanted to run away and cry. She had left her one friend who she cared dearly for, CloudyStars. He would stand up for her and he felt like family, but she knew he felt something more then family or friendship.
"You get your own room! So yeah, not much different right?" Rainbow asked, bringing her back to reality. Though she was relived that she might finally be able to get a good nights sleep for once, she stressed about anything that could wrong and slowed her pace, in case of any broken floors. The small house was easy to navigate through. what a relief she thought and made a mental check mark in her imaginary checklist of things to be worried about.
After the house tour, rainbow took the filly to meet her friend, AppleJack. The farmpony's slang had confused her at first, but she finally understood. She could hear low growls coming from an unknown creature. She braced herself and stood in a defensive stance, by spreading out her wings and legs. She felt a pat on her head, it was a hoof, she was sure of it. "Hey, no need to be scared of me!" A pony with an accent chuckled. This pony must've been 'AppleJack', there was kindness in her voice but Winter didn't trust her, it was a gut feeling.
The voice this time sounded further away. "Rainbow, can ya help me pull this apple cart? I think it's stuck on somethin'," she heard hoof steps and tried following them. The voice disappeared. Instead a million voices at once were speaking. She was lost, she turned to her side and walked...and walked...and walked. She had no clue where she was and she became nervous, her worse nightmare was becoming real.
A loud howl bellowed through the air and a nasty screech came from crows flying away. Timberwolf... she froze too scared to move. She could hear the large animal coming after her, it's paws pounding against the ground with every step. Something dripped on her head, drool. gross. The beast was towering over top of her when she heard a soft voice. Something picked her up and swooped her off the ground to safety.
She was on top of something soft, she guessed it was a sofa, and she was currently being wrapped up in a...blanket? The pony introduced herself as FlutterShy, she had said the Timberwolf almost made her head into a snack. "What were you doing out in the everfree forest anyway?" She calmly asked, setting a glass of water next to her. She made the universal signs and explained it all. "Oh my, your mute? And blind?" She asked. How did you know what I was saying? Usually RainbowDash translates she giggled "My pet angel bunny can't speak to any pony, so he uses universal signs like you, and did you say RainbowDash takes care of you?" She nodded. "That's where she ran off to! She didn't leave us a message when she left, oh my I was so worried about her," She explained. "You should sleep, all that excitement is enough for a filly for one day. I'll find RainbowDash for you and she'll be here when you wake up," She could tell fluttershy was smiling, it was easy to tell she was a kind pony.She knew many nice ponies in cloudsdale, like Mister InkWell. He would Always let Winter have some bread from his family bakery. Lost in thought, WinterLily soon drifted off to sleep.
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Each and every one of you is an incredible asshole. There's no reason to put down a prospective writer like that. You need to chill, and learn to be courteous to those learning the craft.
4313983 Hey, don't listen to these trolls ok? Don't take it to heart, I'm not entirely sure what their agenda was, but it obviously wasn't to help you improve your writing. So, let me try to help.
First off, you need an editor, very badly, and a couple pre-readers wouldn't hurt either. I feel like you need to familiarize yourself with some different styles of writing so you can pick up some cool tricks and improve your grammar too, basically, read more. ALOT more. Second, you need to work on the pacing, a good editor could help you there.
Work on your grammar, and work on your pacing, and I think You'll have a good story here. I think you have an interesting concept down already, you just need to improve on the execution. Take this as a learning experience, and don't bother acknowledging the negativity. If they're not offering help, it isn't important. I'd volunteer myself to help out, but unfortunately I'm booked with school and other projects. Good luck on your story! I think you have potential!
4313998 i just checked out that group and one author i ended up looking at but it just ended up making me mad cause how dumb everyone was acting
I would like it if you try to let them talk a bit about Winter Lilly, it is nothing important i just thought i would read how applejack react to Winter Lilly.
I can only give you the tipp to make the Chapter twice that long, because i think most of them are just familiar to read more in one chapter.
I agree with EpicSPAR, just give your best and have fun
PS: I really like your story, it doesn´t even matter how it look like for me or something like that
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Thanks for the tips, once I reread this twice I realized "oh crap I do need someone to edit for me"
Plus any grammar mistakes are auto correct I use an iPad to make chapters
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Also I needed to make the chapter short but AJ's original reaction to Winter was something like this
: Rainbow? You have a daughter?!
: wha? No! This is my cousin!
But like I said, the chapter was quick and I thought that it would sound awkward and a lot of blushing would be involved.