Chapter 1 - A Shimmering Night
The night was shimmering. The stars shined and flickered all throughout the night’s sky. Even knowing the sky was beautiful beyond compare, and the stars shimmered like diamonds upon a black canvas, it felt, oddly sad to Star Shadow, as he looked up into the violet sky.
Star Shadow always loved the night sky, and once the Princess of the night had returned he had found a new respect for it. On that night, all those many months ago, the night sky had changed; it had become something far more beautiful than he had ever laid eyes upon, though tonight, he felt as if the stars were telling him a story; A long sad story of loneliness, and sorrow.
Star Shadow was a violet adult unicorn with a black and navy blue mane, with a matching tail. His eyes were hazel, and he had a cutie mark of a four-pointed star. He had earned his mark while star gazing one night, years ago.
/||~~·~~Star Shadow Age Eight~~·~~||\
He loved the stars shimmering brilliance they had always fascinated him. That night he was going on a field trip with his class to a local park, just outside of Trottingham. The only location safe enough for a bunch of school fillies and colts to have a campout, and still be able to see the night sky so close to the city. The sky was clear, only a few clouds, but because they were so close to the city there was very few stars that could be seen through the cities glow.
Even knowing this Star Shadow was happy, he had the chance to see the night sky. To see the stars. As he gazed upon the few visible flickers of light within the night, the sparkling brilliance entranced him. He smiled into the night as a star shimmered brighter and then the skies above them light up. Throughout the night sky, the stars appeared suddenly cutting through the light of the nearby city.
It was amazing. All of the ponies gasped at the sight of it.
“Star!” Cried out a voice from behind him, But he just kept watching as the stars shimmered brightly within the night.
“STAR!” Cried the same voice as before though louder, caught Star Shadows attention.
He turned to his friend Two Scoops who was an earth pony with a tan coat with a white and orange mane and tail. Two Scoops was pointing at his flank. He looked back to find his Cutie Mark branded upon him. The cutie mark was of a four-pointed star. “A star for stargazing.” he thought to himself, smiling as he leapt for joy and rushing over to tell every pony the good news.
/||~~·~~Star Shadow Present Time~~·~~||\
As Star watched the night sky; the full moon shining brightly overhead, it was close to midnight where he was in PonyVille. His eyes made to water and he closed them taking a breath. The skies story touched him, a story of a lonely mare who was lost in darkness and locked within the moon. “Luna” he felt for her. He turned away from the moon closing his eyes in thought, as he did his magic flowed through him; his horn gained a blue and white aura. He did not know what he was doing, he only thought that maybe his feelings would reach the moon goddess; to tell her that it was all right -- tell her she was not alone.
As he did this, a shimmer appeared within the night sky; a shimmering blue and white star right next the moon. Star Shadow looked at the star smiling for the longest time. “Luna really does know how to make the most beautiful of nights.” He thought to himself; and then he felt a pressure in his horn and the star within the sky flickered out.
Star Shadow stood there for a long moment. He blinked, as he looked from the moon, back to where the star was previously. He sit down upon his haunches tilting his head to the left. “Is she not going to bring it back?” he wandered to himself letting out a long breath he was holding.
He closed his eyes and thought of Luna again. His horn light up with the same blue and white aura and the star in the sky reappeared. He opened his eyes and gave the star a quizzical look.
“Did I? No…” He trails off and reaches up to his head in discomfort as the star once again flickers out, though the star had stayed within the sky a bit longer that time.
Star Shadow rubbed his head for a bit, trying to fight off an oncoming migraine, just sitting before looking back up. Sure enough, the star had once again vanished, and he narrowed his eyes at the empty spot next to the moon. He took a deep breath closing his eyes and concentrating deeply on his magic. “A test, a test. That is what I need to do. Just a test.” Within his mind, he envisioned the stars; the sky within his mind was perfect down to every detail. His horn charged with power he could feel it flowing through him. In addition, within his mind he began to move the stars, not all of them thou, just a few. It gave him great strain as the stars, one right after another zoomed to the moon and spun around it in a clockwise direction. Then they stopped. He envisioned a shape within his mind, as sweat flowed from his brow; his head throbbed in pain blinding his mind and casting everything into darkness.
The wind blew through the Canterlot city streets, blowing right up and across Luna’s balcony sending a shiver through the night goddesses. “Tis far too cold to be summer” The night Alicorn thought to herself as she peered into her sky. She frowned at it. The stars though beautiful to all who seen them; they would not see, nor understand the story they tell. Luna sighed looking down at her hooves. She had no one to speak to though the long lonely nights. Well, there was the Night Guard, but they would not treat her as they would treat one another, they would treat her as a Princess with the “Your Highness, and the bowing, how he loathed the bowing.”
Moreover, as she was wallowing away in her self-pity she felt it. Her ear twitched and he looked up to her sky. A single star appeared within the sky… A bright and shimmering, blue and White star positioned right next to the moon. “What does thou think it’s doing?” She asked the star and with a flare of her horn, the star flickered and then disappeared. She sat there. “Pity, twas a marvelous star.” The Princess of the night said to herself sighing yet again. Then the star flickered back into life once more. She stared at the star for a long moment before turning away from the baloney and walking back into her room. Then, she opened her bedroom door walking right past the lunar guard and straight into the room right across the hall.
“Luna, What? HEY! LUNA PUT ME DOWN!” Came a confrontation of words from the room across from Lunas own. The Night Guard give eachother a quizzical before standing back at attention once more.
“We shall in just a moment dear sister.” She stated simply as she walked back into the hall levitating Celestia in a blue aura, her main and tail frazzled from her awakening in the middle of the night.
Luna paused while looking at the Night Guard and pointing at them with a hoof. “This never happened….” The Guards just nodded as Luna made her way back into her bedroom shutting the door behind her. She made her way out to the balcony.
“LUNA! NO IT’S COLD-d-d!” An Icy chill blasted over Celestia’s nice warm body causing her to shiver uncontrollably and instantly wake up. “Luna… I swear to me… If you did this as some sort of prank, I will send you back to the moon…..”
“This is not a,” Luna lifts her hooves into the air and flexes them downwards as if quoting the word. “Prank” dear sister, we have a problem with my night sky…"
Celestia looks at her sister. “And, what pray tell is the problem?”
Luna looks back at the sky. “That star there.” She points with a hoof at it. “The one next to the moon. We did not place that star. Infact, we removed it entirely and it reappeared once more.” She pauses looking back to Celestia with concern written on her face. “We had hopes that you could will it away for us.”
Celestia shivered in the cold. “Luna… If I do this… Can I return to bed?”
Luna smiled “But of course dear sister.”
Celestia let out an exasperated sigh and light her horn. A golden glow shimmered around her horn and then the star flickered and once again vanished from sight.
“There” She proclaimed, looking back to her sister, but Luna was not looking back towards her. She was staring at the night sky. Focused upon the emptiness next to the moon. “Luna?”
Luna let out a sigh of her own and faced her sister “It would se-” Luna trailed off wiping her head back around to the night sky narrowing her eyes at the emptiness next to the moon once more. However, the star never reappeared. Instead, her eyes grew larger as several of her already created stars begin to move swiftly across the night sky,
Celestia took note of this and looked back at Luna seeing that her horn was not alight before looking back to the sky once more. By this point, the stars were rotating around the moon clockwise before coming to a stop, and then shifting slowly until they formed shape around the moon. Silence. No one spoke. The wind even stopped suddenly. There was not a sound heard throughout the whole of Equestria for a full ten seconds. That was until Celestia spoke up. “Luna? What just happened?”
“We, Are unsure dear sister.”
For the next half hour the sisters tried, and failed to remove the stars from around the moon. The stars however remained stubbornly in place sparkling and shimmering beautifully as the moon made its way across the night sky. As it did so, the stars followed with it remaining firmly around the moon as it traveled. Celestia sighed. “Sister, I am in the need of rest. Let us leave the stars for another night.”
“But-” Luna looked at her sister. Who was tired and worn from the late night abrupt awakening. “Indeed sister. Please return to your room and get some rest. I’m sorry for waking you.” Luna frowned slightly shifting back to her night looking sullen.
Celestia looked at Luna and moved forwards giving her sister a hug, which caused Luna to pause for a moment before smiling and nuzzling into her sister’s neck. “Thank you sister.”
Smiling, Celestia turned from her sister and made her way back into her own room to return to peaceful sleep. Luna however was, well, she did not truly know how she felt. The night went on as such; the Moon lowered down across the sky and then after a long night Luna turned back into her room for a good days rest.
/||~~·~~The Next Day~~·~~||\
“Hey… HEY! Star, Wake up!” Star Shadow groaned as a hoof poked into his side. His head throbbed and he slowly placed a hoof upon his face.
“Scoops. I swear to Luna, I will throw you off my balcony if you do not stop poking me; and what have I told you about coming into my room?” He groaned.
“Oh thank Celestia.” Scoops said, there was a moment’s pause. “Well… I was worried because you were not up yet. You are always up before me, and also; we are not in your room, we are on your balcony.” Scoops paused for a moment before continuing. “Which is a very strange place for you to sleep, I know you like the stars and all but this is going a little far don’t you think?”
Star Shadow bolted upright which only caused his head to spin making him fall back down on his side. His head, it felt as if another pony was smashing cast iron pans together inside of his skull.
“Man, are you all right? Here.” Two Scoops helped Star Shadow to his hooves and they made their way back into Stars room where Scoops lay him back down into the bed. “You don’t look so good man. Maybe you should take the day off.
“No!” Star closed his eyes in pain. “No… I just need a moment.” He groaned. “And some coffee-”
“Black as night, I’m on it! Be right back!” Two Scoops left the room, and after a bit he returned with a tray upon his back and a hot cup-o’- joe sitting atop of it. Star Shadow tried to lift it with is magic, but stopped as the pain picked back up once more within his head. He instead sat up, took the cup in his hooves, and took a long slow draw from the mug.
“Feeling better?” Scoops Asked.
“Y-yea…” Star said taking another gulp from his mug before sitting it down on the nightstand. “I think I’ll be alright. I just need to get rid of this dizzy spell…”
“Star, I think you’re sick.” Two Scoops said with a concerned look.
“No, No I’ll be fine, I just.” He sit up a little too fast causing him to be nauseated. “Trash can, Trash-” He leaned over the bed and lost it; lucky for him Two Scoops was there or else it would have been one Tartarus of a mess to clean up. Scoops had already moved the trashcan to the bedside and was now patting his friend on the back.
“Yeah… You’ll be just fine…” Scoops said sarcastically as Star wretched again.
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I hate to see stories given so many down votes. I think most of your problem is with mechanical errors rather than the story itself. The biggest issues I noted were some capitalizations out of place, an odd spelling error or two, and a lot of punctuation. Since you said this was a practice run to get back into writing and that you were rusty, these are entirely excusable. Sometimes it is best to break a sentence up into several separate sentences instead of relying on commas to keep it together. That was the main distractor for me. If you could polish that up, this would turn into a marvelous story. As it is, I enjoy the idea. Keep at it and good luck in your further projects!
Also, I lol'ed at this.
4235676 It's basically what he said, a bit of grammatical errors, wrong uses of capital letters, and the infamous to/too.
It's somewhat difficult to be a critic, especially because I'm too forgiving and usually biased towards my friends
Another thing, about Stars' friend Two Scoops.. I think you described him way too early up there. Why's this bad? The gap between his introduction as someone who simply alerted Star of his Cutie Mark and when he's actually used as a character is considerable. Made me (at least) think "Who is this guy? Are you going to use him still? So far not... But why did you even bother to describe him?"
It might just be me, but I think this line is... off? Think it's the missing quotation mark
“This is not a,” Luna lifts her hooves into the air and flexes them downwards as if quoting the word. “Prank” dear sister, we have a problem with my night sky…
Overall, this is a damn (censor that?
) good beginning, the story is interesting needless to say 
Definitely got me hooked. Deep 
And it's a good reminder for us, that the Princesses are living-beings as well, and they're more like Cadance in the castle.
I listed some of the mistakes (only the ones I have noticed, and the line mentioned above is not included), please fix them:
- the full moon shining brightly overhead, It was
- It give him great strain
- to speak too though
- , Are
- And some Coffee-
- I just need to get rid of his dizzy spell
Note: Use ctrl+F to locate them, just in case.
And one more thing, Man, are you all right? Here. The use of 'man' is awkward in pony fics lol..
By the way, I listened to this while reading: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4Zm91n76dfA
I know, the music is short. But it's beautiful, and you won't find it bad when you'll replay it over and over again!
Well, this has been on my [Read Later] like a week or so.
Finally I took a look at this
The first episode is going great so far.
Some mistakes that I saw:
“STAR!” Cried the same voice as before though louder, this caught Star Shadow attention.
/||~~·~~Star Shadow Present Time~~·~~||\
Just a recomendation thou, it works for The next day too.
he began to move the stars, not all of them thou, just a few.
4467640 Thank you... Edits have been made.