The rain fell in heavy sheets upon a lavender, Alicorn mare. She was on her knees, looking toward the sky. Tears mixed with the rain pouring on her face. Her hand held a lavender color sword made of magic. Red dripped from the edge of the blade and fell into a pool on the ground. Only a few feet away from her was a midnight blue, Alicorn mare, her chest slowly rising and falling.
Twi… Twilight, please don’t be sad. You must not give into the sadness. Don’t let it win. You must be strong.” The mare coughed up blood and spit it on the ground. Twilight looked down to the mare and rushed over to her. The mare smiled warmly as Twilight’s tears fell on her face.
“Luna please don’t die. I didn’t mean for this to happen. Please don’t die.” Twilight’s head landed on Luna’s chest, crying harder as the midnight mare;s breath slowed. One of Luna’s hands shankly try to move Twilight’s head to look at her. Twilight’s eyes were bloodshot as she keep crying, looking into Luna’s eyes. Luna looked at her with the same warm smile.
“I love you, my little star.” Luna eyes slowly closed as her breathing slowly stopped. Twilight sat up looking down at Luna. Tears slowly stopped falling as there was none left for her to shed. She leaned down and gently give a kiss to Luna’s forehead before whispering into her ear.
“Love you too mother.”
~~~
A Few weeks before
Sunlight slowly made it’s way through the windows of the royal library in Canterlot. The light danced across books stacked taller than most ponies could reach on their tippy toes. There was the sound of light snoring drifting through the air. The bookstacks circle around one table in the middle of the giant room, and at this table was a lavender Alicorn. Her body slumped over the table with a book in one hand and a quill in the other.
There was a steady knock on the main door to the library. Twilight grumbled and slowly got to her feet. Throwing both arms in the air as she let out a loud yawn. The knocking keep going and Twilight followed it to the door. She walked around the many books and tables that blocked her path. Pushing the large wooden doors open to find a slightly older, white Alicorn standing in front of her now.
“Oh, hello Princess Celestia. Why are you stopping by my room for?” Twilight blinked a few times to get the sleep out of her eyes. Celestia look down at her with a smile.
“I’m afraid that you are away from your room, my friend. But this might as well be your room. This is the library and you fell asleep studying… again” Celestia drew out the ‘again,’ feeling that she need to make a point that Twilight has done it more times than anypony should. Before too long Celestia found herself giggling once she studied Twilight and found that there was a piece of paper stuck to her horn.
Twilight’s eyes slowly drifted up and she quickly grabbed the paper. She give it a look over before it burst into flames and went out. Celestia started to open her mouth to say something before Twilight cut her off. “It was nothing, Princess.” Celestia cover her mouth to hide the smile and giggle from her old students antics.
“Well I hope the late night studying has paid off for your lesson with Luna today. She has been eager for today.” Celestia motioned for Twilight to follow her down the hall. It took Twilight a few seconds to realize what Celestia just said and rushed to catch up with her.
“I hope I can impress Luna with learning the spell that she wished of me.” Twilight was beaming with pride at learning a new spell. Celestia giggled, finding that her faithful friend still had the same joy of learning she did when she was her student. The two fell into the old habit of Twilight talking up a storm of what she had learnt or is learning and Celestia just nodding her head as she listened.
Twilight was about to show Celestia the spell, but Celesta stopped her as they made it to the door to the courtyard. “Maybe you should wait to show both me and Luna. She is in the courtyard, waiting for you.” The magical glow around Twilight’s horn faded as she face the door and look toward Celestia who just nods her head.
Twilight push open the double doors to find Luna standing in the middle of the courtyard waiting. Luna turn and smile at her. The feeling Twilight got every time she was with Luna was something she normally felt when she was with her mother.
“Good morning, Twilight. I hope you are ready for your training today.” Luna’s horn glows and before Twilight could blink, Luna had summoned her sword and had launched her attack. Without even thinking about it Twilight summoned hers just in time to block. The force behind Luna’s attack pushed Twilight to her knees. “We are impressed. Not many can block our first attack. Let us see how well you can do now that your sword has been summoned.”
Luna took a step back and then started her attack again, this time faster than her first attack. Twilight didn’t have time to block the attack again, so her horn glowed and with a snap, the air filling the spot where she once was. On the other side of the courtyard was flash. Twilight was gasping still holding her sword and looking right at Luna. Luna turned to face her, a smile still on her face.
Luna motions for Twilight to attack and held her sword at the ready. Twilight’s mind was racing. She only really expected to show Luna that she could summon the sword, not be thrown into combat. She did the only thing she could think of, Twilight charged at Luna as fast as she could. Twilight swings her sword in ways she had seen the guards do when they were training.
Luna didn’t even move as Twilight charge at her. Each of Twilight’s strikes was blocked with ease. “Twilight, what happened? You seem to block our attack without a problem, but you now can’t seem to even land a simple attack on us.” Twilight was starting to slow down and breath heavily.
‘I’m not cut out to fight. I’m a librarian, not a fighter.’ Wet spots start to appear on Twilight’s coat as she starts to sweat. Luna sighs and in one quick motion knocks the sword out of Twilight’s hands. As Twilight watched, her sword fell away from her and faded away, Luna’s horn plused with magic and Twilight found herself tied to the ground. Twilight looks up to see the point of Luna’s sword point at her snout.
“We thought you would put up a better fight than that, Twilight. We shall pick up again once you are rested.” Luna turns and walks away with Celestia following right beside her. As they walk away, the spell keeping Twilight pinned to the ground faded and she slowly got to her feet.
“Aren’t you being a little tough on her?” Celestia followed Luna as they left the courtyard. Luna just keep walking down the hallway. “I mean she is yo…” Celestia stop speaking as Luna stop and turn glaring at her.
“We know what she is dear sister! We don’t need you reminding us!” With that Luna’s horn glowed as she winks out, leaving a sighing Celestia standing alone.
“Please sister, don’t wait much longer to tell her. She needs to know.” Celestia turned to head back out to the courtyard. Once she made it back outside, she found Twilight dusting herself off. Twilight looked up and Celestia gave her a warm smile.
“I think you did a good job with your little training session.”
“I’m glad somepony thought so. I on the other hand think having your flank handed to you is not so good.” Twilight grumbled as she walked to a bench to take that rest Luna told her to take. She threw her arms in the air as her wings whoosh open. A smile spread across Twilight’s face as the wonderful feeling of having her wings free felt great. “Can I ask you something, Princess?”
“Of course, Twilight. What’s on your mind?” Celestia took a seat next to her young friend.
“How do you and Luna keep your wings folded up all day and not feel the need to just let them burst free?” Twilight said in a daydream like voice. Celestia lean back and look toward the sky and thinks for a few minutes.
“I guess we just grown use to having them folded up most of the day. I’m sure you will become just as use to it as we have in a few years.” Celestia giggle as Twilight look over at her and sighs.
“I thought you would give me some tips or something to make keeping them folded easier.” Twilight’s voice was monotone as she felt kind of disappointed that Celestia didn’t give her the kind of answer she had wanted. Celestia got up and started to walk away slowly, before she want back inside she turn to look at Twilight.
“A piece of rope.” Celestia winks before closing the door and leaving a slack jaw Twilight staring blankly at it. It took her a few seconds to understand what Celestia just told her. Then her mind wander to other thoughts that sent her wings stiff.
After a while, Luna walks out into the courtyard. Twilight couldn’t place it, but something was a little off about Luna. If she had to guess, she would say that Luna had been crying before walking out here.
“Are you okay, Princess Luna?” The hit of worry evident in her voice. Luna look up and give Twilight a fake smile that had hints of true warmth buried under the lie of the smile.
“I wish I could tell you, Twilight. But the matter is kind of personal,” Luna said to the ground, but Twilight knew it was aimed for her. Twilight patted her hand for Luna to take a seat next to her. Luna took the offer and returned to looking back at the ground.
“You don’t have to really tell me everything. Just anything to get it off your chest.” Twilight placed an arm around Luna’s shoulder.Luna turned to face Twilight and gave her a real smile this time. She let out a sigh as she began to speak.
“I have a daughter, Twilight.” Luna’s voice was low as she spoke. Twilight smiled and give Luna a hug.
“You’re not using the royal we and us,” Twilight try to hid the giggle as Luna blushes a bit. “How old is your daughter?”
“I was excited when we started our training and old habits do slip out. And she is your age now.” Luna sighs and looks over at Twilight who had a confused look on her face.
“How can that be? She would have had to been born while you where… you know and stuck on the moon.” Twilight look down feeling bad for bring up something that she knew that Luna wasn’t proud about. Luna could not stop herself from giggling a bit.
“You still have much to learn about our land, Twilight. Are you able to feel magic of others?” Luna looked over toward Twilight, her tone was even and soft like a mother telling her foal of the world around them. Twilight nods like a foal eager to learn more. “Try to feel the world and not ponies around you.”
Twilight closed her eyes as she tried to focus, first on Luna, before she moved past Luna. She gasped as she felt it. The world around her had a magic all it’s own, it was breath taking. At first it was a tiny feeling, but as she focused on it more, the more it’s true power was shown to her. “How… what is this?” Luna smiles and looks at the courtyard around them.
“It’s the magic of Equestria. It’s magic is older than even Celestia’s or mine. Equestria’s magic knows no limits.” Luna looked back toward Twilight with a smile. Twilight was amazed and lost on a few points.
“I still don’t understand how that has anything with you having a filly.”
“It has everything to do with it, Twilight. While banished to the moon, Nightmare slept deep inside of me and let me suffer the thousand years alone. But when I did sleep, my dreams brought me back home. Equestria’s magic reaches even the world of dreams. It heard my wish to not be alone. I guess Equestria felt sorry for me and granted my wish.” Luna let out a happy sigh while remembering things from the past.
“A few nights later when I entered the dream world, Celestia came to tell me of joyful news. She said that a filly was found in my room a few days ago. She told me that she did all kinds of checks on this little filly and she learned one thing that she could not believe.” Twilight was leaning over to Luna, if she leaned forward anymore, she would have fell right on the floor.
“What did she learn?” Twilight wanted to learn what Celestia had found out. This just cause Luna to giggle once more.
“She found out that it was my child laying in my old room. When she told me this, I could not believe that if I ever got free from this prison. I would have a child to love and hold. But then the sad truth hit me. I would not be free till the stars align and freed Nightmare from the moon. By that time I would have missed out much of her childhood.” The last of Luna’s words came out in a low whisper as tears start to roll down her face. Twilight pulled Luna into a hug and held her tight as the night princess slightly cries into Twilight’s shoulder.
Twilight held Luna close as she cried for a few minutes. Her hands gently rubbed the spot between Luna’s wings to help support the sad princess. “I’m sure she will understand. Just got to tell her and tell her why.” Luna pulled away and saw a smiling Twilight.
“I hope you are right Twilight. I think I will find her and tell her everything.” Luna got up and walks back to the center of the courtyard before turning back to Twilight. “I think we should give today’s training one more try.” Twilight nodded, jumping up, and walked to stand on one of the two ends of the courtyard.
Luna smiled as she charged at Twilight. When she got halfway to Twilight, she vanish, before appearing next to younger Alicorn with her sword summoned. Luna slashed Twilight, only to see the sword go through an after image of the mare. Twilight reappeared next to Luna and swung her sword, but Luna blocked the attack at the last second. Twilight jumped back before pressing her attack. She felt confident in her attacks after replaying their first training session and thinking about how Luna was fighting.
Luna took steps back as Twilight was getting more bold with her attacks. Twilight was feeling the rush of fighting, but she started wishing for more power as Luna was still blocking each of her attack with ease. She try to go faster, but could feel it starting to affect her body. ‘I want more power.’ That was when she heard something in the back of her mind.
‘Power, I can give it.’ The voice was like hers but it was very different.
‘What do I need do?’ Twilight wanted the power to be evenly matched against Luna, or maybe even be stronger than her.
‘Let me merge with you.’ The voice was soothing in tone. Twilight didn’t know if she should or just keep trying with her own power. ‘If you merge with me, think of all the knowledge you can gain with the power I can give you.’ That sold Twilight, she was willing to do almost anything to gain more knowledge.
‘Okay.’ Twilight closed her eyes as she felt something joining her mind and with it she felt different. Her attacks started going faster and with more power behind them. Luna blocked one of Twilight’s attack at the last second and wasn’t ready for the power behind it and was sent tumbling to the ground.
Luna grinned and teleported next to Twilight. Her horn still glowing with flowing magic, she holds her hand out to Twilight as she summons a fire blast. Twilight smirked as her horn lit up, and with a flick of her wrist, deflected the fire away.She grinned as she teleported next to Luna with her sword near her neck. There was a bright flash and Twilight skidded to a stop across the courtyard.
“My that was a close one. You almost took off my head there. I think you are improving, but lets not got that far please…” Luna teleported to dodge a few blasts of magic coming from Twilight. When she reappears, Twilight was waiting for her with a ball of pure magic. Luna summons a shield just in time as Twilight releases the ball. The explosion was strong enough to shake the whole castle.
Luna lays on the ground panting as she had to use a little more magic than she would liked to shield herself. She looks up to see Twilight standing over her with her sword pointed with a tiny ball of magic at the tip. The smile on her face was one of pure joy, like she was enjoying every second before she would finish Luna off.
“Twilight stop! She is your mother!” Celestia hanged pillar to keep her up from falling over from her race. The words left her mouth before she could stop them. She had wanted her sister to be the one to tell Twilight the truth, but seeing Luna just a breath away from being killed by her own child forced her hand.
Twilight smile faded and blinked a few times as Celestia’s words hit her. Eyes looking at Luna’s as the mare of the night nods her head. She then looks at what she was doing and she could not believe what she was seeing. The sword starts to shake a little as the young mare starts to lose grapes of the tiny ball of magic. Fearing the worst, she points her sword to the sky and let go.
The ball shot like a rocket and not long after leaving Twilight’s hold, there was a large explosion in the sky that cast Canterlot and the area outside the city in purple light. After the light faded, Twilight dropped to her knees.
“H… How can this be? I am the daughter of Night Light and Twilight Velvet. There is no way I can be your daughter.” The sword that was in her hand faded away as she pulls her legs in and holds them tight. She started rocking back and forth as she mumbles the same thing over and over again.
Luna slowly got up and moves next to Twilight. The lavender mare did not move away, but continued to rock in her place. Slowly Luna pulls Twilight close to her and holds her tight, slowly rubbing her hands down Twilight’s back. “I’m sorry, Twilight. I’ve been wanting to tell you the truth for so long, but there never seemed to be the right time.”
Twilight let go of her legs and looked up at Luna. “I don’t want to lose them as parents.” Twilight whimpered as she started to tear up. She was about to speak again, but Luna planted a finger on her lips and smiled warmly.
“You won’t lose them. They will always still be your parents. No pony should forget the ones that raised them.” Luna got to her feet and hold out a hand to Twilight. Mopping up the tears that stained her her face, she took Luna’s hand. Luna smiled as she pulled her daughter to her feet. Twilight give her a weak smile in return
“May I return to my room? I need time to think things over.” Twilight’s voice had already taken on the tone she had when she was in deep thought of something. Luna nodded and with a flash, Twilight teleported back to her room.
Luna turned and walked past the pillar that Celestia chose to hide behind while the family moment took place. Celestia followed next to Luna. “I’m sorry sister, but I didn’t know what else to say. She was about to kill you.”
“I know, and I’m glad you did something to save my life, but I had been wanting to tell her myself. Now it’s up to her to accept the truth or not.” Luna sighed before teleporting herself away to anywhere but where she was. Celestia smiled and continued her back to the main hall to deal
with more nobles wanting more stuff they don’t need.
Pretty good all things considered could use a bit of a touch up but all in all good work continue.
Once I'm done reading the foalfics I'm reading right now, this is so on my reading list, so I'm favouriting now
4089451
Thank Espeon_in_the_Morning for what it looks like now cause I can promise you it looked really bad before they edited it. They saved my flank big time. And thank you this is my first try at something like this. I hope I did a good job so far.
Well done, but almost every story I pick is good so this one is simply, AMAZING!
If you need a cover to this story i can help you out.
4090796
Really?
4091024 if you want.
4091397
That would be so awesome!!
4091404 ok, I'll get to work on it later. I'll let you know when its done.
4091413
Thank you so much. You are so awesome.
4091499 your welcome.
It.... was going to be an ok story. All the way up to the second training session.... Then it took a turn into the horrible.
Twilight being ok with a voice in her head? Especially one that just appears out of no where and asks for merge? Worse yet the voice goes 'Think of all the knowledge' and Twilight eagerly accepts like a man getting water in the desert. But Twilight just heard the voice for all of 5 seconds! What knowledge did she think she was going to get?!
Next is Celestia sees Twilight about to kill Luna and the first thing out of her mouth is. "Oh hey Twilight, Luna is your mother!" Not do magic to stop them, not something else, Just.... Blurt out the 'secret'... Then that last line... "Celestia smiled and continued her back to the main hall to deal with more nobles wanting more stuff they don’t need." Celestia almost lost her sister, her student almost committed murder and treason, she just probably ruined her sister's only chance of happiness with her long lost daughter.... and she just smiles and walks away...
The story was ok, but then Twilight fell down the Stupid Tree, hit every branch on the way down and nearly got hit by Celestia as she felt out of the Heartless Tree and into the Stupid Tree, along with Logic and Reasoning just went right out the window at the end...
Oh right, Edit: I reread the beginning, forgot that I now know how the story ends, with Luna dieing and Twilight accepting her as her mother, so no matter what drama is made up, it's all bullshit as we now know she will accept Luna as her mother.
4092501
So you think that the opening was showing the end and not just some other point later in time. It could be the middle, or third of the way to the end. I will admit that there is a lot of things wrong with the story. But everyone can say the same thing about their stories. This is my first try at a story like this and so one might think that I would hit a few bumps in the road. Oh, who said Celestia and Luna are like everypony else. They are who knows how old. I'm not going to take a guess cause that would just be rude, one does not ask or talk about a ladies age. And so I shell end this reply back with a thank you and hope that I will improve my writings as I move along in life. Please have a nice day and enjoy the many other stories that this site holds.
4092575 I was going to read it till I read your comment.
4093303
It's okay. Thank you for looking at it tho.
4093383 Yup. Just not a fan of people that reject criticism. Sorry. I'm sure it's good though...so keep it up..?
4093480
You think I'm rejecting it? That persons comment has got me thinking of ways to improve my writing. It may not show up on this story, but once I try writing another story like this. I will be ready. I did not mean for my words to show me rejecting it. But I do know when there is good and bad criticism give. And theirs was somewhere in the middle. It pointed out where I want wrong, but did not give suggestions on how I could improve or fix where I want wrong. So I took what I could of their criticism and hope that I could use it to write a better story later on. I'm sorry I got a little wordy here. Please forgive this errant writer of his mistakes.
4093564 Some of what he/she said was uncalled for I can agree with that, but yeah I read yours as rejecting it. I'll give it a shot at reading I guess =)
4093575
I'm sorry it read that way. And any feedback on what I can do make it better would be great. Thank you for giving this story a second chance.
I like it keep it up can't wait till the next chapter
For the most part I have to agree with 4092501 but I'm going to critique anyway.
First, as he points out, starting at the climax in flash-forward form only really works when it is used to build suspense, or to give the reader a peek into an unexpected future that will keep the reader puzzling as to how it came about and how it will be resolved. This effect is not captured here, as the scenario is not unexpected in the universe as portrayed by the end of the first chapter, and even if it turns out to actually be an unexpected scenario, the effect is still lost because we don't think it's an unlikely scenario. As I said though, there are two parts to a flash-foreward: the "how did we get here" and the "how will it resolve". I just talked about the former, so now to address the latter: either your focus is off, or you revealed too much. On one hand the big question is "What will Twilight do now?" which we aren't really focused on because she wasn't the focus, or at least the final focus, or it's suspense about if Luna will survive, which you just revealed as no, she won't. (baring terrible deus ex machina tears of healing b.s. or conveniently forgotten alicorn immortality. Seriously though, if it's either of those just stop now.) (I guess I should also include the possibility that it is as Jirodyne predicts, but if the big question really is whether or not Twilight accepts her role as Luna's daughter than the whole story is, as he said, pretty flatly ruined to begin with.)
Second,
No you would have missed their entire bloody life, unless they were immortal, in which case you would have still missed one thousand years of their life, which is “childhood” to nothing.
By adding one more filly to the planet you were sealed away from? How does that help you with your lonliness? Now you should feel even more lonely knowing your own child is lost to you for a thousand years.
Oh, so you did have contact with the dream relm… and Celestia… so… you weren’t actualy alone, you had your sister and all of sleeping Equestria to interact with… including that daughter who would no doubt spend a lot of time asleep.
So, now even your ability to escape at all is called into question? That does not concur with your prior statement about only missing “much” of your daughter’s childhood.
Third there were a lot of questions (many of which were already covered by Jirodyne) like:
Why was Twilight so apt to listen to the crazy voice in her head? You’d expect some hesitation from a scholar when confronted with the undoubtedly malicious blank check of power (espically from a crazy disembodied voice that she just accepts the existence of for no reason).
Why didn’t Celestia intervene physically? She has shields, teleportation, or at least telekinesis, why would she just shout at the person about to commit murder?
Why shout out the secret? I know this was already asked, but seriously, not just “Stop!” or “Twilight!” but rather “Twilight stop! She is your mother!”. Like it would have been ok to kill anyone else? “Go right ahead Twilight, that’s your friend, monarch, and teacher, but she’s not your mother so she’s open game!”
I may as well stop there… there are more questions but this comment is already 1/6th as long as the chapter it’s about so for the sake of sanity I’ll stop here. If you have any questions about this critique or would like to contest any of my points, please do so and I’ll explain, defend, or delve deeper as needed.
I didn't notice the anthro tag and after I looked back, I was hesitant, because I'm not much into anthro mlp, but this seems good
I know what twilight heard in her. Head though, her nightmare moon. This is worrying, because twi has accepted her without even meaning to.
That first scene really saddened me though, because I know what's coming for twi.
4094614
First off, I would like to thank you for your critique. Unlike Jirodyne, you chose to explain things and not just insult things.
Critiques like that make it hard to improve what I wrote. Yours I could clearly see what I did wrong and got me thinking of ways to make them better. There are a few points that you made that I would like to discuss more. The first quote you picked out. I thought that I pointed out somewhere near when that was said, I wrote something about Twilight was still born around the same time she was in the show.
I think that maybe we can talk in a PM and maybe I can ask for help in fixing some of these mistake in my story. But again thank you for helping me with what you have showed me so far.
How come you haven't added the cover yet.
4119327
I'm sorry about that, was having trouble uploading here. I will try again. Wish me luck.
4119327
I now know why it wasn't working. The image was too big for the site. I had to do a little resizing for it to work. But it works.
4119811 OK, and you spelled my name wrong.
4119863
Sorry about that. It should be fixed now.
I can't wait for more chapters
I can't wait for more chapters
I can't wait for more chapters:
I can't wait for more chapters:
I must have moar! Also one thing that keeps annoying me is that you keep saying hands and stuff instead of hooves I know its nit picking but still. Anyway I really enjoyed this chapter and cant wait for more!
Okay, this has my interest, but it's kinda tough to read. There's awkward phrasing everywhere and you keep switching tenses. When I was reading it, I kept thinking, 'wow, this guy really needs an editor,' but then I got to the bottom of the chapter to see that there is already someone editing this. I suggest you get a new editor, you don't have to drop your current one just get another, more experienced, editor to help.
I did look through the comments and I do agree with both Jirodyne and Wages of Sin on a few points, those being, the flash forward, I agree more Wages than Jirodyne. The fact that Twilight just accepts the voice in her head, I feel there needs to be a bit more conversation between them as, like Jirodyne pointed out, the voice says, "Think of all the knowledge you could gain," we don't know what knowledge you have so why should Twilight accept that? Then there's Luna's chat with Twilight, there's inconsistency all over the place here.
Now, here's where I have a different opinion than Wages but we both say and pointed out that there's a problem with this part of the story, though I think it's just how it's written, he may understand better what you were trying to say or I may be, I don't know, I'm not trying to confuse you. While Wages does make good points, like how Luna is still able to enter the dream world that would not leave her so lonely. I say that that makes sense, but explain how, even though Luna can enter dreams, she is still lonely, give it a similar story to Luna Eclipsed where even though ponies saw her, they were afraid she was Nightmare Moon and that would also explain how Celestia would know that it is Luna and not Nightmare in the dream world, because she knew the difference between the two. And there's this line,
I feel that you had meant it to have been near the end of her banishment, like the last twenty years or however old you think Twilight is and Wages just didn't see or consider that as what it was meant to be but it was still a good thing to point out. Also, Equestria or the magic of Equestria would have known it was nearing the end of Luna's banishment and granted her wish to not be alone and created Twilight knowing it wouldn't be long before Luna came back and, as it is suggested by the show, also had planned for her to free Luna from the nightmare and, continuing the show line, become an alicorn like her mother. As for the
line, as you wrote right after that the "But the sad truth is..." line, change it to "When I got out of this prison."
Now, as for Celestia being stupid and blurting out Luna's secret, I understand that in certain situations, people don't really think as they only have just a moment for everything that they can do to stop what is happening to run through their head and they will not always pick the most logical thing to do but there is still a limit to the stupid things one can do. I say you don't have to change it, just explain it better.
Again, I agree with both Jirodyne and Wages on this one, the last line just does not belong in this story. If I were Celestia here, I would have been worried about the fact that Twilight just tried to kill her mother and upset over the fact that I just told Twilight, Luna's secret to stop her from killing her mother and that Luna is now upset at me, although a little thankful, since she wanted to tell Twilight herself, not laughing to myself that nobles are going to be bothering me, asking for things that they don't need. Even when dealing with the nobles I'd still be worrying about how Twilight left things and how she would react to that knowledge and if she didn't accept Luna as her mother then how would Luna take it.
Wow, I wasn't expecting to write so much... Still, I do like this story and I anticipate any changes you make to this as well as the next chapter. Sorry if this messes up any changes you were already making.
I'm no fan of anthro stories, but I gave this a shot anyways.
It's pretty well-written, but I found some things that you should change.
1. Don't capitalize alicorn all the time. 'tis no big deal, but it's a bit annoying at times.
2. This sentence: The feeling Twilight got every time she was with Luna was something she normally felt when she was with her mother.
Nyeh, pointless "foreshadowing." Replace with "Twilight felt safe when around Luna" or something.
3. Dat tense fluctuation. The whole story is written in past tense except in a few places. For example:
"When she got halfway to Twilight, she vanish"
"When she reappears, Twilight was waiting for her with a ball of pure magic."
"Luna summons a shield just in time as Twilight releases the ball. The explosion was strong enough to shake the whole castle."