*BEEP...BEEP...BEEP*
"Ugh...." I grumbled, rolling on to my side to hit the alarm set for 6:00. Annoyed and Severely groggy, I sat up, then swung my legs over the side of my bed. Standing up (which was a task in its self let me tell you, my legs were, of course, still asleep and so felt like jelly), I shuffled, akin to a zombie on tranquilizers, out of my room to the hallway.
"Morning Sweetie!" Mom called. I mumbled an incomprehensible response as I walked downstairs, and into the bathroom.
The shower'll wake me up... I thought, and turned on the faucet. I undressed, stepped inside, and then immediately felt relief. The fog of my mind cleared, and the aching of my muscles, angry at being awoken, slowly began to cease. Ah! Yes. Nothing like a morning shower to wake me up.
Stepping out of the shower, I felt much better. Groggy, but better, like the world had a brand new, almost bright outlook. I got dressed (Nothing too fancy, just a Faded Foo Fighters T-shirt and some worn out jeans), and ran back upstairs to get my shoes and backpack. Having 10 minutes to spare before I had to leave for the bus, I sat at my desk and opened my laptop to Fimfiction.net. Unfortunately, none of my stories had updated, so I was left feeling slightly disappointed. Coupled with the fact that I had school, well, apparently now, and I was left in a slightly sour mood. I grabbed my backpack and left, walking the few blocks it took to get to my bus stop.
I talked to nobody while waiting, mostly due to the fact that I never really did anyway, and started to think how the day would turn out. Just tackle it head-on Connor, you'll be fine I told myself. I never really was one for school, even if my grades and status as an International Baccalaureate student betrayed that fact.It sucks.The work, stress, and expectations are almost enough to feel like a physical barrier, barred with chains and spikes that jutted out at every angle. Nothing you can't handle dude... As the bus arrived, I stepped on board and sat in an empty seat, just behind my friend James, who apparently didn't care much for others, sprawled out on the seat comfortably. Rolling my eyes at his inconsiderate Behavior, I followed his example. I'm not too much of a people person anyway, but whatever. I got comfortable and popped my headphones in to my iPod, and a familiar song started playing as I closed my eyes, flowing through my mind with its soothing chords and winding vocals.
About 3/4 of the way in, I heard a sort of mumbling. Ignoring it, I continued listening, thinking the person would leave me alone. Unfortunately, a couple seconds later, I felt a tap at my leg. Curious, I cracked an eye open, and saw quite possibly one of the cutest girls I've ever seen. She was sort of short, I would say about 5'7'', and wore a gracefully fitting yellow sweater, showing one of her shoulders. She also had donned a comfortably fitting pair of light brown capri pants. Her hair was... Pink...? and pulled into a ponytail, so that her face was visible, with bright aquamarine eyes that sparkled with the growing morning light.
She wore an uncertain expression on her face though, so curiously, I pulled out my earphones and asked her "What can I do for you?"
She glanced around, shifted her weight, and, almost silently, whispered "Um... would it be okay... if I could, you know... sit here?" She blushed and looked away at the end of her sentence, giving me time to look around the bus. Sure enough, it was completely full. Realizing my fate Not a bad one but stillI looked back at her, saw her staring at me expectantly, and I moved to sit up so she could sit. I indicated to the spot next to me, and she hesitantly took the seat.
Wow, she's a cutie I thought. I figured starting a conversation with her would be a good idea, even if every alarm bell in my introverted head was screaming at me to "just shut up and wait for the pretty girl to leave."
"So... are you new in town?" I asked her awkwardly. She looked at me quickly and nodded her head. Good start Idiot. Suddenly, her bag started to rumble, softly at first, then with much more vigor. She unzipped it quickly revealing a small white bunny, with coal black eyes and apparently a matching personality.
"Oh, Angel, I just fed you..." The bunny had none of it though and started to nose his way to what looked like a bundle of carrots.
"You know having animals on school property is forbidden right...?" I slowly asked. She didn't pay attention though, paying more attention to untying the bundle of carrots, proceeding to feed one to the apparently famished bunny. Guess she doesn't care... I thought, and went back to listening to music. Conversation can wait I thought,and this time I listened through one ear bud, just in case either me or the girl changed her mind.
The bus arrived at the school, and we were the last ones off the bus. Before the girl got away though I called out to her, since i at least wanted to get her name. Who knows? I might see her again. "Hey!," I said, "could I get your name?"
She looked back, gave a small smile and whispered "Katherine..." Confused as to what the said, I asked again. "Katherine..." She said, this time with a little more volume. What a pretty name... I thought.
"My name is Connor. Pleasure to meet you." I held out my hand, and she took it daintily. Then she started to turn around, but my brain decided I had more to say, and I asked her another question. "Hey wait, Katherine! I figured since you kinda don't know the place, I could at least show you to the office?" Thank you so much retard.
This time her smile was wide, and she softly said "Yeah... I'd like that..." and she walked up to me so we were shoulder to shoulder.Well that's new.
"Well," I said "welcome to Granby High School."
xXxXXXxXx
I decided instead of taking Katherine straight to the office, I would give her a little detour, so she could get the feel of what most likely could be either hell or home for her.Seems to be a little bit of both sometimes... I jiked to myself. I voiced my idea, and she agreed, stating that "I need to see the campus anyways." At least she agreed. The sooner the better I thought. First, I took her into the gym, since there was an entrance from the back next to the bus ports, and it would be quicker to do it that way.
"Wow...it's...big." She whispered.
"That's what she said." I said. DAMN IT DUDE I said as I mentally slapped myself.
"That's what...who said?" She looked at me curiously.Lucky she doesn't understand my humor. I looked around quickly to make sure no one else noticed my predicament. Realizing I was safe, I dodged the subject almost as quickly as it had come up, to avoid embarrassing myself more than I already have.
"Uh... nevermind about that." I hurried her along and into the hallway, further into the depths of the 6 hour school/prison. Of course, I had to hurry her through the main hallway, so she wouldn't get hit by the many kids that were rough-housing or goofing off as was normal for the school. I pulled her into the library, so it would be a bit more safe.
"Brooklyn would love this..." she breathed, staring around at the numerous books and magazines that stocked the shelves of the rather large library. I knew where just about every book went in there, especially since this was my favorite spot to study. Home sweet home... I joked to myself. Remembering what she had said though, I re-initiated conversation.
"One of your friends?" I asked, surprised. She looked to the ground, crestfallen, making me wonder if I had touched upon something I shouldn't. She sighed heavily.
"Old friends..." she said. Crap I knew it. "Moving took a lot out of me, I guess..." She hid behind her bangs almost timidly at finishing the statement.
"Oh. Uh... sorry." I said embarrassed. a blush beginning to form. Katherine looked up quickly though, and shook her head.
"It's okay. I'm already making new ones." A small smile graced her lips as she said this, and I definitely couldn't help a small blush this time. But only a small one. Giggling softly, she started to walk around. I followed her, letting her do a little bit of the leading. After all, I don't want her to think I'm dragging her around... After looking at a few of the books on animals in the non-fiction section, we walked out into the main foyer. I poked her and pointed to my right.
"Just over there is the office when you're ready." She looked at me, nodded, but started forward into the cafeteria instead of going straight to pick up her schedule. Just then I heard familiar voices. Oh jeez, not now!
"CONNOR! YOU'RE HERE!" Screamed Nicole, my best friend since God knows when. She ran forward and barreled into me, effectively knocking me into the ground in a tackle hug, also effectively knocking the wind out of me. I swear that girl weighs way more than she looks.
"Jeez Nicky! Calm down! It's like you thought I died." thinking for a second, I added sarcastically "In the 18 hours since I saw you last..." She picked herself up off of me, and looked over at Katherine, while I myself recovered from the not- so surprising- yet- still- very- surprising tackle. "Who's this?" She asked, "She's not gonna take you from me is she?" She asked teasingly. Upon hearing this, Katherine promptly Meeped and hid behind her bangs. Don't scare her off damnit Nicky...
"No Nicky" I laughed, "She won't. She's new here at Granby. I was just showing her around." I swear if she...
"Such a gentleman..." She purred. "Don't get frisky on me Connor!" Of course... Katherine, by now, had a full blush and was nervously watching the scene, looking as if she wanted to be ANYWHERE but here. I couldn't help but feel for the poor girl.
"Calm down Nicky. I swear nothing is or is going to happen." I glanced over at Katherine, who still looked very much red and very much embarrassed. "Sorry about her... she's a bit hyperactive at times." And absolutely perverted... At hearing this, She visibly relaxed.
"I know what that's like..." she said softly.
Nicky must be like one of her friends...
The bell rang shortly after my little "Meet up" with Nicole, so I thought it best to take Katherine to the office for her schedule, So i had a small chance of not being late. I do NOT like being tardy. "Well that was fun, but I better get Katherine to the office so I can help her get her schedule." Nodding, Nicole walked off to go to her first bell, but not without winking and mouthing I know what you're up to. That girl is a handful at all times...
I took Katherine up to the rather small looking little office, but stopped before entering.
"You'll be fine on you own now right...?" I asked hesitantly, hoping she didn't have the same kind of nervousness I had when talking to positions of authority. Or girls. Or other strangers.
"Mmhmm" she said. "Thank you very much for your help..." She looked to me again with that small smile I was growing used to very quickly. I grinned at her.
"It's no problem. Anything for a... well, a friend right?"
She blushed a bit, looked away, and whispered "Yeah... a friend" She looked back at me with her smile and stepped in to the office. With her gone, I finally took notice of the lack of students in the hallway, and the time on th- CRAP I'M LATE and bolted up the stairs to the rest of my supposedly uneventful, boring instructional day.
Boy, was I wrong.
Not bad. Please, continue.
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It is an overdone premise, but right now, might have potential to be something else. Try not to disappoint, ya here?
I will have to keep watch over this. You get a like, but have to work for the favorite.
The moment you changed Fluttershy's name to Kathrine I wanted to do this.
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However, I reminded myself that it was not the worst offense an author could commit and actually is almost a necessary evil considering that no self-respecting normal human (at least none that I can see) would name their child Fluttershy. So I forced my hand painfully, yet surely into position over my keyboard rather than into my screen, and decided to give you a nice lengthy comment instead.
Alrighty then, harsh criticism first:
Watch out for redundant language like this:
We already know that Conner was grumbling from the very moment that you mentioned it, saying it again is unnecessary and makes your story feel choppy.
Also note that there is a lack of senses other than sight and sound in your writing, while not a critical issue, 100,000 words worth of: "MC does this, MC then proceeds to do that." can get pretty bland. Tell us how Conner feels; when he wakes up and carries himself like a zombie, is it because he's heavy, like a one-thousand pound weight has been strapped to each of his limbs? Or is it that his arms and legs feel numb, filled with static and putty, making them unresponsive as a result?
Another point to consider is that telling your tale from the first person perspective gives readers a chance at gleaning an intimate understanding of Conner. For example, the way that he describes a bed of flowers will differ greatly from the way others do, the same principle applies to how he perceives another person, or the current situation at hand. When he describes these things to us, he does so in a way that reveals his inner depths, bit by bit. Exploit this fact to its fullest extent and give us a unique character with a distinct voice that we can empathize with.
Now for the obligatory yet well-earned ego boosting stuff.
Your story is legible, and despite using simple diction, allows for an entertaining read, doesn't endlessly have Conner lament about how horrid his life is and doesn't have him hooking up with Kathrine romantically in the very beginning. You Sir/Mai'am have overcome the wall of Stugeon's Law, pat yourself on the back and buckle down because I will now judge you like I would judge any best-seller I picked up from the public library.
Because I know you have the capability to compete with them.
While I will be reserving my like until I read your next few chapters know that you did a good job, I'll be watching this.
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The IB huh? I know your pain
She donned a pair of brown Capri pants.
Donned means put on. So she... Um, I don't think that's what you meant to say.
Thank you for the criticism guys. I'll do a bit of editing and hopefully the next chapter will be posted either tonight or tomorrow. As for the people who disliked, I would greatly appreciate if you gave a reason why you did instead of just disliking it. This is my first story after all.
I think you need an editor. The story has a great premise, but the grammatical errors can really pull a reader out of the story.
4082760 I think you are absolutely right, but i have no idea how to get one D:
4080247 Don't worry, I end up Nicknaming her later on in the story.
4080820 Fixed, thanks for spotting that
4082760 I think you are absolutely right, but i have no idea how to get one D:
4082828
http://www.fimfiction.net/group/97/looking-for-editors
http://www.fimfiction.net/group/500/editors-group
http://www.fimfiction.net/group/202069/editors-group
http://www.fimfiction.net/group/197236/overly-extensive-editors
http://www.fimfiction.net/group/200289/editorsrus
Or just type 'editor' or 'editors' in the search bar at the top of the page near notifications.
4082820
Unless you can find an extremely irrefutable, logical reason for doing that, I would avoid it.
If everything is humanized with everyone having normal human names, it makes no sense (usually) to have humans with pony names.
However, if you do find that reason and it melts into the story like cheese on macaroni I won't have any problems with it.
And.
That red eye needs to be capitalized...
I also recommend that you add this fic to as many groups as possible to get you some publicity and a boost in views. If your worried about being torn apart by the groups that dislike every story that has even one error, try going for the more laid-back groups such as The Pleasent Comentator And Review Group or School For New Writers.
I wouldn't however, recommend trying to add it to one of the harsher ones (unless you need to be dunked into that meta-physical depreciating bucket of water that is true criticism) like Rage Reviews until you iron out all of your edges. And grow a very thick layer of skin.
4083985 Lol ill be looking for an editor tomorrow to help out
Do continue, good sir.
I believe you have many of us interested.