Davenport, the shopkeeper of Quills and Sofas, has a secret.
Authors Note: This story might get a lot of down votes because of the topics in the story. But I would rather write a well written story than a popular one.
Chapters (1)
Cogitationis
Joined 29th Jul, 2013 ·
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This sounds like a job for a reforming spell. If only they hadn't been eaten. Discoooooord!
The character tags were a bit deceptive. Heck, posting this on a fan fiction site was deceptive. This isn't fiction. It's well-written prose about a fictional subject, but it's more of a social commentary about the inner thoughts of what I am guessing is a pedophile. (What would a euphebophile be in Equestria? Have we even seen a teenage pony?) I would say to be great you should write several more chapters focusing not on the musings of Davenport, but on his reactions to several encounters. Don't just keep it at "It's hard being me, on to suicide;" actually show his decent into guilt-driven madness.
That or make it a comedy in which he keeps stumbling into situations that he can't seem to get out of. There's so much potential in a guilty stallion resisting awkward situations involving fillies when his cutie mark and trade is sofas and feather products.
I think I'd have liked it better if he'd told his secret to his friends and found that they still accepted him, and could draw strength from their acceptance, instead of ending things the way he did. In my opinion, bleakness in storytelling should serve the purpose of emphasizing some hopeful, uplifting message. But this was a heartfelt and poignant exploration of a serious real-world problem, and I'm glad someone has the courage to start a discussion about it. Good work, well written. I definitely want to see what you write next.
Not what I expected. Have a like.
I still think this:
fc00.deviantart.net/fs70/i/2013/314/b/b/bad_dream_by_vulpessentia-d6tsvnj.png
should have been the cover art.
So, I read the story. Here's my mini-review. Please don't get intimidated. When I review something, I tend to go all out and put effort into it. This is not a bashing or a heavy criticism. it is just my thoughts and my suggestions because I found something worth supporting.
Hey there! First, let's get housekeeping out of the way. Couple of things I spotted:
Usually when I comment on a story I not only point out the obvious mistakes, but other things which I feel could make the reading stronger. I hope you don't mind!
It's a bit clunky. Perhaps I would recommend "The closest I remember ever seeing her like this was when she was scared." (The comma is unnecessary as well).
Nothing wrong here, but I feel it would have a lot more emotional impact if it were reversed. "I had last talked to him only a few days ago."
-> filly's voice
I'd cut the 'to'. You don't ask to anything, so you shouldn't inquire to anything either. It's not a verb that requires a preposition.
lower-case A
When? If you are going to introduce a comparative with a past event, you need to write your time markers. It was only a small town... when I was a child? It was only a small town... last Thursday? It was only a small town... when I was eating a sandwich? Time markers help us set the scene without needing to guess, which sometimes can distract from the immersion. You state 'when I came here as a colt' later on half-way through the paragraph, but that clause ought to be up here with the introductory statement.
Firstly, uppercase P. Secondly, I feel that 'Ponyville-typical' is a compound adjectival phrase and should be hyphenated as such.
It is a matter of style and preference, but numbers should be spelled out when possible.
No comma. 'If' is a subordinating conjunction, not a coordinating one. You do not use a comma to connect a subordinated clause to a main clause unless the subordinating clause comes FIRST.
-> "If he only yearns to love other stallions, can you force a stallion to love a mare?"
-> "Can you force a stallion to love a mare if he only yearns to love other stallions?"
say claim?
This is actually one single sentence, because of the comparative. The period after 'alcoholic' should be a comma; the 'but' should be lowercase; and go ahead and plonk a question mark at the end of the whole thing. That makes it read a lot smoother.
This should be hyphenated.
Alright, still with me? Cool =D
Despite all this slew of things up here, I actually really did like it quite much. Your writing is good, it's very solidly done, pacing for this length is actually impressive. This might be your first fimfic story, but if this was your first ever piece of fiction, I'd be thoroughly impressed. But as far as a first story went, you sure picked a heavy topic! But I agree with Phil up there; it's more of an interesting social commentary and a glimpse into the dark side of social stuff overlaid on ponies. Which isn't wrong, mind you; it's just less about ponies and more about the subject.
Given this direction, what I would definitely have liked to see more of was the actual character behind it. One of the issues that I had with the story is that I probably wanted to have seen a lot more of it. It came rather fast, and since we already know the 'twist' so to speak (you opened with it, and the framing is very important) we can therefore skip a lot of the 'descent' and focus merely on the ideas of ethics and viewpoints of Mr. Quills there. Seeing how you decided to use him, injecting a bit of his personal character and showing his daily struggle can also be a good way of balancing out the idea of this being a story rather than just having ponies as stand-ins to make the point you want to make. There is ample opportunity to drag the narrative out with more examples, LONGER examples, and to actually show the 'voice of struggle' in his narration (since it's coming from his POV, it's the perfect chance!)
Other things I felt was that some of it was a bit too overstated. It's quite clear through his actions and thoughts what the topic was about. There shouldn't have been any need to state things outright like 'clopping in a dark room'. Yes, it's something he does, and you can include it. What I'm saying is that he might state it in a bit of a roundabout way, with hesitance, with a bit of fear. This is something he's ashamed of. It doesn't reflect in the way he delivers it.
Speaking of delivery, first person narratives are pretty difficult, and I will admit that, especially when it comes to choosing what tense you want to use. You have a really glaring tense change mid-way through his part from past to present perfect, and for someone who notices these things, it broke immersion for me slightly. Within a scene, you have to keep the tenses regular.
So, overall, good job. This is a lot better than most of the stuff that FimFic churns out daily, that's for sure, and you get a solid and genuine thumbs up from me. I would have definitely liked this to have been longer, with more thoughts and more of his personal arguments, because there wasn't enough space to really get into his head and 'feel' along with him about why he hates himself so much (even though it's obvious, reading is a journey). That needs to be heaped up on the already-solid ethical presentation of the rest of it. I really, really like the framing, too! Where it opened and ended was really perfect for this kind of thing, and order and construction - I can't complain either.
Thanks for the interesting read, and good luck with your future endeavors.
EDIT:
Jeez, those genre and character tags!
Alright, sorry, gotta say. Get rid of everything else but the dark genre tag. I know FimFic doesn't really have a good system for categorizing stories (trust me. I can NEVER categorize my own well), but you're sending a very confusing message with all of those 4 up there. This is not a tragedy or a sad story. It's not about that. It's a thought-provoking social commentary about dark things, and it isn't a story about -regular daily life- in that way either. 'Dark' would be the best for you. Also, the story really... really isn't about Twilight or Fluttershy or Sweetie Belle. They do not qualify as main characters just because they show up. Your narrative is about Mr. Sofa. That's all. Don't sacrifice your story's integrity just to put labels on it.
4043704
You are a real angel. Do you know that?
I somehow feel like I owe you something. I will return the favor by helping others when I have become more proficient. Deal?
First of all, thanks for spotting the errors. My native language is German, so I do tend to oversee capitalization problems, punctuation problems, etc. With some practice I should get better.
This wasn't my first piece of fiction. But it was my first shot at writing a short story. I have been writing for few weeks, but mostly I have been just reflecting about writing. My total output including rewrites is less than ten thousand words.
Yes, the intention of the story is partially social commentary. But it isn't really fiction in disguise, it was more like a piece of head canon that I wanted to vent. I just woke up this morning and decided to write it. And yes, this is what Mr. Quills is like in my head.
I didn't even realize anything about the change in tense, I wrote a note on the back of my ear to pay more attention to that in the future.
The other points I don't really know how to address right now. For now I will just say that they have been acknowledged and I will think about them.
To the thing about the tags: Will be changed right away. I never paid much attention to the labels before. I will in the future.
I can be rather happy with the result. I know I shouldn't just accept things as they are, but rather strive to improve. But I won't be doing any larger changes to this story. I might make a private rewrite for myself though.
Thanks again for the comment.
4043265
I can understand where you are getting at. I wasn't sure if I should post the story at all, but another fiction writer just told me I should publish it, so I did. But in the end, I did entertain with a rather strange piece of my head canon.
The tags have been changed.
Thanks for your criticism.
4043377
Lawl
4043946
Yes. Pay it forward. This is always the best.
Trust me, you're already at the top 5% of writers here when it comes to grammar and punctuation.
I find it's a lot easier to keep track of tenses when you write in 3rd person. In 1st person, you involve yourself in the moment, so the habit is to write things how we experience them in real life, which is very variable. So no harm in this! As you said, just pay attention and it develops into a good habit. =)
Actually, I personally never push people to 'change things to make them perfect'. After all, mistakes come naturally, and discovering your voice and your style is a big part of writing and what makes writing fun. There will never be such a thing as a perfect piece, and besides fixing minor errors like in spelling or punctuation, there is never any real need to go back and change anything unless you feel it's absolutely necessary. Too many changes to the original, and, well, you end up with what George Lucas does, really.
All it is about is seeing where you can do things better in retrospect, discover new things, get feedback, and apply things to your next piece to make things better and better. So no, you don't have to change anything in this if you don't want to. 'Striving to improve' also means giving all you have for the future as well, very much how it is in life, so you don't need to excuse yourself. =)
Happy writing, and good job!
This was pretty great.