I live on Earth. I go to school, go home, eat chips, go to school, go home, eat chips and I do this over and over again every single day. I would talk about how I have no family or friends, but no-one cares. I don’t want sympathy, and I don’t need it.
But, one day it all changed. My life was still terrible, but at least I didn’t have to live with the idiots I already knew. Today, on the 15th May 2015, I vanished off the face of the Earth, or at least from what I could tell, I don’t know if I'm insane, in a coma or- nope, I’m not gonna reference “Life On Mars”.
Well, it just so happened that I was walking through the park one day, it was quiet and peaceful and away from everyone I knew. I couldn't stress today, for I had had a pretty good day, considering. And by that I mean that usually, I get beaten up at school, shouted at by my carers and my friends all start being pathetic. See, that’s what happens, really. You get together for a few hours right? Then after a while, you joke around, are a bit silly and eventually take it too far and one of you eventually gets hurt. For me, it’s emotionally and physically.
Well, as I strolled slowly through the park to widen my experience of solitude, I was surprised to hear someone talking behind me. For a moment, I didn’t realize I was the one being threatened. Yup, see at this moment, some nut job had decided to mug me. I turned around and told him to get lost, and that he wasn't gonna ruin my day, so he punched me in the face as I tried to turn around, he wrestled me to the ground quite quickly and I fought back hard.
After a couple of seconds, he pulled out a pocket knife and lowered it to my throat. I kicked him in the baby-maker and he cursed. He then proceeded to stab me, which was so far, not the most painful thing I had ever experienced. No that was when my mother abandoned me when I was seven. I still remember that.
Anyway, he laughed and took most of my possessions. I couldn't see him anymore, but I knew it was too late for anyone to notice I was dying. They would be too busy having a better life than me.
As I quietly slipped away, I laughed, for I could never bring myself to kill myself. This crackpot had done it for me. Thanks. However, before I died, I floated towards a shape, what looked to be a dog of some sort. Nope, some sort of horse? I don’t know, but it was dark blue and then it spoke.
‘You have died.’ It said.
‘Aah, no shit my dear Sherlock.’ I replied. I don’t know who this was, or even what this was, but by the look of things it did not seem to be very happy I swore. I find it funny that my one good friend Casey said that it is wrong to swear, and some people find it offensive. Surely though, if I'm trying to be offensive, it’s in the right context?
‘Do you wish to live again, in a nicer world?’
‘What? You mean you just changed the Earth?’ What the hell is she going on about? Yes, ‘she’ it was a female voice, or that of a boy with no balls.
‘No. This place is called Equestria, and is filled with nicer, much less aggressive beings.’
‘Yes.’ I said, ‘Anywhere I better than Earth, if I get to live a good life, please do it, and if this is a joke, I will sock you one.’ Just to be sure, you know?
Suddenly, and quite painfully, I emerged from the darkness, and… well, it wasn't dark; it was kind of white and black, at the same time. Like there was everything and nothing all together.
Oh well. I gathered my wits and watched as I floated down into a field. There were some others too, two boys, all my age, that being sixteen if you hadn't gathered. Anyhow, I dropped quickly on to the field; it was sprayed lightly with water and smelled of fresh wheat, like that of a farm.
One of the boys walked up to me, and stuck out his hand.
‘Red, nice to meet you, do you know where we are?’
‘I don’t give a damn, as long as it’s better than Earth.’ I spoke rather timidly. Just then, the other boy vanished. Red gave a startled whimper as he bumped backwards into me. ‘Hey dude, watch where you’re going!’
Red turned around and apologized. I shrugged him off and disregarded it. I pointed over to a hill, where I could have sworn I heard a faint noise.
‘Do you hear that?’ I asked. Red shook his head and pointed in the other direction.
‘Well, if you’re going that way, I’ll see you later, I'm going this way, and I can hear people this way.’ He finished. Red began to walk off in his set path, while I cursed again. I kicked the floor, expecting everything to be done for me, just because I was bored, but it didn’t happen, so I began to walk.
As I walked, I remember the park and the mugger and me getting stabbed, despite the fact this happened not ten minutes ago. I arrived at the top of hill after trying to piece together the parts of the blackness and the mysterious figure I could remember. I looked down to see a village. I could see small shapes, which I assumed were people, and there were loads of markets and carts and stuff like that.
Across from me, I could hear some female voices, so I headed in that direction, but as I cambered over a small hill, like, literally it was just like a wall of mud, I saw about every color in the rainbow, but mainly blue, as I was knocked to the ground. I turned on the ground, rubbing my face.
‘Jesus Christ, you freaking idiot, you just broke my God damn nose!’ I screamed. Of course, whoever had hit me didn’t break my nose, they missed my nose completely. I got up, aching all over as I opened my eyes and peered towards the stranger, who was blue, and crawling on all fours…
No, they were standing! As this stranger came close, it examined me, and asked something, but I was too disturbed by the being to hear it properly. It was a horse, a small horse, most likely a pony, but nevertheless, it was blue, and the mane, it was multi-colored.
‘What’s a God?’ she asked. Again, female voice, obviously, since they were when I couldn't see them.
‘No-one gives a damn, and you’re a horse!’
‘I’m a pony, you moron!’
I got up and pushed her. She backed up and sniggered, ‘Feisty little one aren't we?’ she said, sarcastically.
Right then, I was abnormally astonished to witness five more coming around the hill. All eyes on me and my eyes on each of one them separately. I looked back to the blue one, who I labelled as weirdo, because of her mane.
‘Alright, just what the hell is this?’ I asked.
There was a purple one, with a deeper mane and a horn and… wait, a horn?
‘This is—‘; I cut her off pretty much immediately.
‘Didn't ask for your input, you demon horse.’ I spat at her, I admit that is was probably not what I should have done, but then again, no-one is ever nice to me, so screw it.
‘I was only trying to—‘, again, really?
‘Zip it! I’m busy talking to this weirdo with five velours in her hair over here.’
At this point, the other four were kind of… well, extremely annoyed and looked like they would be ready to charge any second now. I faced the weirdo again, and rose to my feet.
‘Now, I’ll ask again. Just what the hell is going on here?’
What. The. Fuck.
I take it that this isn't your type of story.
Much swearing. Much censor. So not to read.
Buddy ease down the swearing and this story is very cliché I'm afraid.
Lesbian, really
Wat
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Great, we have an edgy-as-fuck, angsty teenager for our protagonist......This is going to be fun.
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No. Just, no. If you're going to label someone as lesbian, have a better reason that "she has a rainbow coloured mane". And what kind of idiot calls someone 'lesbian' when referring to them in a conversation?
Congratulations, OP. I'm only one the first chapter and already I want this character to die.
Anyways, you've got a lot of cliches in this such as the "2edgy4me angsty teenager", the "goes to Equestria by dying", the "Equestria > Earth". Might want to tone down on those.
The censorship of the swears is completely unecessary. If you're going to censor the swearing in a piece of literature, don't bother putting swears in at all.
You pacing is incredibly fast and I would advise on slowing down the fic a little bit. This whole chapter could have easily been 2-3k words. 4k if you were dedicated. But you've shortened it down to 1.4k words and it greatly decreases the quality of the fic.
Also advisable to include paragraphs so the text gets broken up and isn't as much of a strain on the reader's eyes. A couple of taps with the enter key can go a long way.
Well, the protagonist is unlikable, the pacing is awful, and the 'hates earth and everyone on is' teenager with a terrible and depressing life routine trope is an awful idea to go with when writing a story. And Rainbow Dash is a lesbian! Because that joke hasn't been done to death, right?
By the way, don't censor swear words; you may as well not bother including them if you do.
Doublespace paragraphs. This is not a suggestion, this is a goddamned commandment. On a physical, printed page, singlespaced paragraphs are practical, they save ink, paper, and time. On the Internet, though, they just run together and look sloppy. I can't even properly evaluate a story that doesn't have doublespaced paragraphs because I can't stand to look at it.
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awesome chapter you are doing a amazing job
3976906 thats the point
3979309
Yeah no. You don't want a protagonist that everybody hates. If a movie had a protagonist who had a whiny nasally voice that hurt your ears, would you want to put up with that for an hour and a half?
It's the same with fiction. If you can't stand reading what the protagonist says or does, are you really going to continue reading it?
If people want the protag to die. That's a bad thing.
3979718
Now if only this had an antagonist that is likeable.
Then having a protag that we hate is a good thing.
3979734 Shhh, you'll give everyone the enitre plot!
3979734 A dislikable protagonist you could manage if it were done well. This unfortunately is not. Main issues have already been covered by Stiggerzz, but I think absolutely atrocious language is what gets me steamed. Let's take a random passage as an example:
Just looking at the first sentence of that paragraph: inconsistency in tense usage for a start (As I walked, I remembered the park); the repetition of 'and' is inelegant and lacks any of the effects one usually tries to achieve through its use (e.g. echoing back to something); pointless sentence (why tell us about him remembering being stabbed if it does absolutely nothing, i.e. setting the scene, developing the character, describing his mental state, etc.).
Third and fourth sentences could be condensed, again to make the language flow better as it devolves into a juvenile and purely descriptive staccato at this point. A village having markets (I'm assuming a farmer's market that you'd have in a pre-industrial world) seems a little unlikely, and may rankle with one's suspension of disbelief, especially if one's ever lived in a small village.
The swearing and semi-censoring thereof is mostly pointless. Yes, someone may swear constantly, but more often than not it makes them seem more juvenile and ridiculous than seriously angry. In addition, the censoring is sincerely obnoxious. It's not as if one is entirely unable to guess the swear word. As Stiggerzz says, it would have probably been better to avoid swearing entirely.
For completeness' sake, I also want to mention the following passage as well:
Whereas in the previous passage the problem was the short staccato sentences, this one's problem is that the first is ridiculously long. If it were better phrased and more tidily/elegantly expressed it could work, but as it stands, the first line is too long, too cumbersome and too clumsily cobbled together. Also, I almost thought you're protagonist was turning into that Valley Girl stereotype with the multiple 'like's, which happens because the speaker is so inconsistently and clumsily written.
Mark you, this is all gathered from two passages. I dread to think how much editing would be needed to bring the rest of this story up to, well, passable snuff.
EDIT: Also, I suspect that using the word 'lesbian' in so derogatory a fashion is tantamount to discriminatory speech, which is a criminal offence here in the United Kingdom, at least, and thus not a laughing matter. If you were aiming for comedy, then you've entirely missed the point.
Aaaaaaand we're done here.