Twilight Sparkle
After a long day of work, Celestia was beat to the ground, running a country tends to do that to a pony... even if that pony was a god. All she wanted to do was take a nice, hot bath, and retire to her bed for the night. "That is the least I deserve," she said quietly to herself. "I don't think that I can take much more of these, Nobles. For having that name, they aren't very noble... how ironic," she giggled. A guard escorting her raised an eyebrow at her. "What, a Princess can't laugh."
As she walked past Luna's bed chambers, she heard a quiet sob escape from the dark blue doors. She knew that Luna was suffering from the past, but thought that she was doing better than what she heard coming from her room. She quietly knocked on her sister’s door. "Don't come in! Leave us alone!" she cried. "Only one pony likes us, and you’re not her!"
Celestia entered her sister’s room against her wishes. "We said don't come in!" Luna bellowed, only using the Royal Canterlot voice when she was truly upset.
"I must know why you are upset, Luna, and why wouldn't I love you. You are the only sister I have, I will always love you no matter what," she said with sincerity only a pony telling the truth can muster. "The one thousand years you spent on the moon were the loneliest in my life... I can only imagine what it was like for you; now tell me, what is bothering my dear sister?"
Luna tried to gather her thoughts so she could convey them for all their worth, but came up with a question instead. "Why does every pony run from me when they see me?"
This question caught Celestia by surprise; she almost visibly stumbled on her hooves. Luna was never this straight forward with any pony, let alone Celestia herself. "Well... I don't think any pony can give a definite answer to that question, Luna. You might just need to ask those who fear you the most."
"But how can I do that when I can’t even get within speaking distance of them without their mane turning white and running in the opposite direction?"
"That is a question that can only be answered by trying to do so."
--- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- ---
It has been almost a year and a half since she was freed. Freed from all the hate and anger, jealousy and mistrust. She was hoping that after a thousand years on the moon and being stripped from all the evil power she had possessed, or rather, the power that possessed her, ponies would finally talk to her and give her a second chance. But as expected, the ponies only saw her for Nightmare Moon.
As she walked the streets of Ponyville from eleven in the morning to three in the afternoon, all but one pony ran from her, that one pony being the one that freed her from her nightmare. Twilight Sparkle.
"Hello Luna, how are you today on this fine evening?" Twilight asked while bowing.
"Please Twilight, there is no need for you to bow. And to answer your question, rather lonely." Luna lamented.
"Oh, how so?" Twilight asked.
"You see, I have been here in Ponyville for over three hours, and have only conversed with you," she said rather sadly."Every other pony caches one glimpse of me or my guard, turns tail, and runs!" she yelled as thunder crashed around her.
Twilight's ears flattened against her skull, the thunder being rather loud. "But I don't see any of your guards."
"I asked them to go back to the castle so I can try my luck without them," she said. "But I fare no better without them than I did with them."
Twilight wondered why every pony in town ran and hid from her, they should know that she is no longer Nightmare Moon; they all celebrated her return in this very spot no less! Yet no pony was visible to the horizon.
"I have an idea Luna, follow me." Now Luna wasn't one to count her blessings, but this was number one.
--- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- ---
Twilight and Luna made their way to a house in the middle of town. "Let’s try here." Twilight said as she came to a stop in front of the door.
"Pray tell, what are you planning Twilight?" Luna asked with a small amount of uncertainty in her voice.
"I am going to ask this pony why they are afraid of you." Twilight gave the door a few rasps before a pony answered.
The pony had eyes the size of dinner plates and Green pupils the size of a pin head, her cutie mark telling Twilight that this was Rose Luck.
"Can I ask you a question, quick?" Twilight asked. Rose Luck seemed to relax a bit and agreed. "Sure, what do you need to know? Is it about roses?"
"No, but I'll take a rain check on that? My question concerns that of Princess Luna." Rose Luck was back to her original state of nervousness.
"Wh-what about h-h-her?" she barely managed to make a coherent sentence.
Twilight noticed she tensed up at the mention of her name. "Why are you afraid of her? Don't you know that she is no longer Nightmare Moon?" she started to plead with the pony in the doorway. "All Luna wants is to talk to a pony outside of the castle staff and her sister."
As twilight asked her this Rose took a nervous glance around the door, only to see Luna standing there looking a little sad. Rose neither had time or the nerves to reason with her fight-or-flight reflex, so she ended up slamming the door on Twilight's face.
"Well... that could have gone better." Twilight said, holding her nose to stop it from bleeding.
Luna looked even more upset at her one true friend’s pain. "Are you okay Twilight? That looked like it hurt."
"I'm fine, worse has happened to me before." she recalled the time she was following Pinkie around to understand her Pinkie sense and shuttered.
"What happened before?" Luna asked, sounding a little interested.
"You don't want to know."
"Well, what should we do now that this endeavor failed?" Luna was really feeling down and out now.
As Twilight sat in thought Rose quickly closed a blind to her house. Luna only glanced that way before looking back at twilight.
Twilight shot up as she came to a solution for Luna's problem, startling Luna in the process. "What, did a bug bite thee!?" Luna asked.
"What!? There's a bug!?" Twilight shrieked, then realized what Luna was referring to and started to blush a bit. "No, I got an idea! I know how we can get the ponies of Ponyville to stop being afraid of you." she was as excited as the day she passed her magic test and got her cutie mark at the same time.
"We've been trying to convince the wrong ponies first!" Twilight said.
"Who should we start with first, then?" Luna asked, starting to build up some confidence.
"Pinkie Pie."
A little rough grammatically, but very promising! Please, do continue.
3934570
Thank you for the boost of morale, I was worred people wouldn't like it, or even give it a chance like my last one. Witch by the way, isn't a story I put all of my effort in to, I just needed to remember an idea I had.
3934591 Damn your avatar could it be any more sexy?
3934951
Actually...
images3.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20130107024346/mlp/images/thumb/e/ea/Spike_doing_a_Fonz_impression_S1E6.png/640px-Spike_doing_a_Fonz_impression_S1E6.png
Nice story so far. That being said, I found some things you may want to edit.
I'm pretty sure that should be, "catches".
And that should be capitalized. I really look forward to seeing more.
3972481
Thank you for pointing those out to me, I will fix those once I can use a computer and not just a nook.
What did you think of the dialogue and the descriptions? I've been told my dialogue is a little funky on some other things I've written, and that it is a little bland in the description area? (I'm looking to improve where ever I can.)
3972944 I do find the descriptions were a tiny bit on the bland side, but I'm not really one to talk, given my own writing skills. I can't really give much advice, but I can give encouragement. I hope this is of some help.
3972968
It really does help me, now I know what to work on in the new chapters!
First sentence is a run-on sentence. Change a comma to a period.
This sentence just doesn't work. You could put a period where that comma is and make the second part a fragmented sentence (fragmented senteces can work in narration) or forgo reduplication all together and delete the comma and second instance of freed, or even delete the second half of the sentence all together.
Murder that comma.
See? Works better.
Contractions are your friend.
Kill all the commas.
This is how I would have wrote that part. Just an example. What I'm beginning to notice in your work is that you misuse commas a lot. Here's a challenge. Write a short 1000 word paged story or less and don't use a single one of those blighters. Go nuts. You don't need them as much as you think you do. After that just work on using them correctly. If you feel you're sentence is ever starting to use too many commas, even if you think your using them right, rework the sentence in a different way that doesn't use commas. Even if you have to make an extra sentence like this one. Or this one. And you can begin a sentence with a conjunction in narration. Fragmented, even.
Anyways that's all I have for now. Keep working on it!
3973628
I have never receved advice on my usege of commas before.
Thank, you, this, is helpfull,,,
Semicolons exist, and their usage may benefit your story.
Now then, that aside, it's an interesting start, though I presume this was written prior to the Nightmare Night episode.
Luna switching in and out of her archaic speech might need just a sentence of commentary, like "she had been getting used to the modern tongue, but traces of the old crept out every now and again", or a consistent usage of dialects.
On the contrary, Luna does want to know, and I think Twilight would need to come up with a much better excuse to get Luna to drop the subject and return to her lamentations. I mean, Luna is kind of drowning, and listening to an interesting experience one of her only friends had would probably do her more good than harm anyways. Plus, it might adequately prepare Luna for the madness that is Pinkie Pie.
I think by this point Twilight could piece a few things together. Other than the Nightmare Moon thing, that aside, the whole thunder cackling when Luna earlier spoke probably could be flagged as a reason other ponies would be scared bloodless of the princess. But you know, maybe I'm biased seeing this from 3rd person.
Since it's a plot driving point, then I guess it can be overlooked, as assuming that Twilight pieces together the obvious is like assuming I"ll get some common sense IRL. It is up for interpretation.
Poor Luna! There were a few grammar mistakes, but this a very entertaining story. I can't wait to see where you go with it. :3