I am Rumor Stormblade, Dark Lord, God of Darkness & Shadow and all that lie within its embrace...I'm also a writer and avid roleplayer.
SO, as it turns out...Dimmed Star knows necromancy,and used it to summon me from the dead...SO....now I'm alive and kicking,but not before crashing face first into equestrian soil, and with a splitting headache My trusty ten thousand year old buddy/ sword Zakat,we trek out in the middle of the everfree forest to figure out why I'm here.
Page generated in 0.081 seconds
Total duration
983 users online
34,498 hits today, 2,123,720 yesterday
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
You know, this didn't start out too badly. I was a bit curious as to who this character was, and there seems to be the makings of an interesting fantasy story.
The problems began when the guy started taking inventory; there are spelling and grammatical errors littered throughout the story. No new paragraphs where there should be (particularly when a new character begins talking), no spaces after commas, and commas where there should be periods to name the big ones.
There's also an issue with pacing. The story feels a bit too rushed. Events occur and characters appear spontaneously with no introduction. Also, the scene in which the guy went searching for his missing Zakat sword went nowhere. It probably would have been better to not include that at all.
However, the biggest issue would be the lack of any coherence. The author's note in the beginning does not help in the slightest. Stating that this is the third book in a series you've written doesn't give us any information, especially since we will never see the first two you wrote. The reader is unaware of the events that preceded this, and nothing is explained. Why does the character touch the glowing ball, knowing that he'd probably burst into flames? He's the prince of darkness? Really? Who are the several characters who come to his rescue? Why does he know them by name? Why does he know the ponies' names? What is the Equinox?
Basically, in order for people to understand what's happening and want to read this story, it needs to be written as though it's the first in the series. Because it essentially is. You can still start the story in the same place, but we need to understand the characters' backgrounds and the events leading up to this. It'd be better to give that information gradually over the course of the whole story, but at least make it clear that the answers will soon be given. Hook the reader, don't lose him.
Review and Overall Opinion
Pros and Cons
I. Pros
1. Good idea
2. Good originality
3. Interesting usage of characters normally not talked about with the exception of Deviant-Art but that is whole other conversation
II. Cons
1. Poor Grammar
Advice
Get a person to review over any errors before posting the next chapter and you should be good to go; Heck I would even be willing to assist you in your endeavor, just message me and send me the final draft of each chapter before posting them to the community
Yes. More please, even if it's a new story.
yes more don't let it go bro
5559991
5560289
I shall revive the story at some point, I was fairly new to writing at the time so it came out sloppily. but I think I shall rewrite it and republish it under a different name, its going to start in the middle of the lore's timeline and work forward, while explaining the past along the way. I look forward to doing this, but it shall be a long, difficult road, and I'm glad that at least some, would like for the story to unfold...