Pinkie Pie's Toothache (of Destiny)
by Conrad "Digibrony" Collins
Chapter One: The Plaque Death
"Sweet Celestia, Pinkie Pie! What in Equestria is wrong with your teeth?!"
Rarity shoved her head into Pinkie's mouth, terrified by the state of affairs therein. Pinkie's canines were cavernous with cavities; her gumline a garrison of grime; her molars a morass of mildew.
"What're you talking about, Rarity? My teeth have always looked like this!"
"How can this be?! How could I never have noticed?! No-no-no-no-no, this simply will NOT do. Pinkie Pie, I am taking you to the dentist immediately!"
"Who-ho-ho there, Rarity! Nopony's coming near my precious little toothsies with some big crazy drill!"
"Well, we will just have to see about that, now won't we?"
Rarity's horn lit up, and with a flash of light, she teleported herself and Pinkie Pie into the lobby of one Dr. Colgate's office.
"Hah! Good thing I borrowed Twilight's book on teleportation spells the other day."
Pinkie shot to her hooves and bolted for the door.
"I won't go back there! You can't make me!!!"
Rarity captured Pinkie in a cloud of magic and held her just above the ground as a blue unicorn stepped into the lobby from a back room.
"Hi Rarity!" Dr. Colgate said. "What brings you here today? Isn't your next check-up a couple of months away?"
"Doctor, we have an emergency on our hands! My friend Pinkie Pie has probably never been to a dentist in her life, and now she suffers from devastating dental decay!"
"That is an emergency! Bring her into the back room straight away."
Rarity gravitated Pinkie into the back room and sat her down on a mechanical dentistry chair.
"You can't hold me forever, Rarity!"
"Hush up and settle down or so help me, I will strap you to that chair so tight it will leave bruises!"
Pinkie begrudgingly calmed and laid down, striking a menacing glare at her friend. Rarity returned the glare with equal ferocity. Dr. Colgate strapped on a mask and stood over the pink pony.
"Now, if you'll just open up, I'll have a look at what you've got going on in there."
Pinkie didn't move a muscle. Rarity remedied this with a swift hoof to Pinkie's gut, which caused her to gasp in pain. The moment Pinkie's mouth opened, Rarity magically shoved a rubber stopper into it.
"That'll do," Dr. Colgate said, and took a look inside Pinkie's mouth.
"By Celestia's mane! Did a bomb go off in here?!"
"Doctor, she eats nothing but sweets day in and day out, and I'll bet she never ever brushes her teeth!"
"Hough doogh hou-nieh hruh heir teeh?" Pinkie garbled. Rarity removed the stopper from her mouth.
"What was that, dear?"
"I saiiid, how do ponies brush their teeth? I've seen unicorns using magical toothbrushes, but how are us earth ponies supposed to do that?!"
Rarity and Dr. Colgate exchanged surprised glances before the former responded.
"You mean you've never seen an earth pony toothbrush before?"
"Duh, I just said that!"
"I have one right over there," Dr. Colgate said, pointing with her hoof. Attached to a sink on the wall was a metallic mechanism—a large, sturdy clamp with a crescent-shaped brush on its front.
"Huh. I guess my family didn't have one, since we lived on a rock farm and all."
"Now, if you'll please open up again, I'd like to assess your dental situation further."
Pinkie begrudgingly opened her mouth, not wanting to chew rubber a second time.
"For the love of Luna... this is like nothing I've ever seen before. In all my years of dentistry, I've never come across such potently putrid plaque!"
"What does this mean, doctor?" Rarity asked, distressed.
"I don't know. But I know where I can find out. Excuse me for a moment."
Dr. Colgate disappeared into another room, returning shortly with an enormous book. (How anypony besides a unicorn could carry such a thing would be a mystery.) Dr. Colgate placed the book on a shelf beside the operating chair.
"This is the Plaquronomicon—the life's work of three generations of the Colgate family. Every form of disease known to dentistry is listed and detailed in this book. Give me about half an hour, and I'll find out just what's going on in that mysterious mouth of yours."
"What should we do until then?" Rarity asked.
"Oh! Oh! Let's go make cupcakes!"
"Haven't you learned your lesson today about eating too many sweets?! We'll stay put and wait here. After all, I wouldn't want to risk giving Pinkie the chance to escape."
Pinkie stuck her tongue out at Rarity, who returned the favor. The ensuing conversation of ridiculous facial expressions continued until Dr. Colgate spoke again.
"Bad news, girls."
Rarity and Pinkie shot to attention.
"I've learned the identity of Pinkie's puzzling plaque... it's... The Plaque Death!!!"
In unison, Dr. Colgate's audience shared a startled gasp, and then asked, "what's that?!"
"The Plaque Death. Not seen in nearly two-hundred years, it was the deadliest form of plaque known to pony kind! It prompted the very creation of earth pony toothbrushes, since most of the ponies who contracted it, like Pinkie here, had never brushed their teeth before. To make matters worse, the disease can't be destroyed through ordinary dentistry."
"Then what do we do?!" Pinkie begged anxiously.
"According to the writings of my great-great-great grandmother, Colgate I, the only cure for The Plaque Death is a mysterious element which she named Colgatium. But there hasn't been a report of Colgatium being used in dentistry for over a century! I have no idea where the element can be found—IF it can be found."
"Of course it can be found!" Rarity interjected. "We'll scour all of Equestria if we have to. Pinkie's life could be at stake!"
Pinkie felt nervous hearing her possible fate stated so bluntly.
"I have just one lead. In the Canterlot history archives, we should be able to find Colgate I's travelogue. If we can find out where she discovered Colgatium, then we may be able to go and mine it for ourselves."
"Now that sounds like a plan! Pinkie, go and purchase four expressway tickets to Canterlot!"
"Okie Dokie Lokie!" Pinkie gave a salute and dashed off to buy the tickets.
"Who is the fourth ticket for?" Dr. Colgate asked.
"It is for the best librarian in all of Ponyville. Come along—let us locate Twilight Sparkle!"
~The Plaque Death, end~
(next chapter: Colgate I's Journal)
This is hilarious.
*Reads Description*
...
i3.kym-cdn.com/entries/icons/original/000/005/545/OpoQQ.jpg
Cheers
~iraqlobstah
@Octavia Macedo
Glad to hear it!
@IraqLobster
Yep, I was expecting that.
Oooh, sounds like a good start!
350955
Learn how to use reply function
N00b.
Cheers
~iraqlobstah
350975
When I hit the button, I only saw a string of numbers, so I wasn't sure if it would display the names. I'd thank you for the advice, were it not presented so condescendingly.
EDIT: and clearly I still don't know what I'm doing. Perhaps you could actually explain how to do this?
EDIT AGAIN: huh now the names are showing. O...kay?
350972
Yay~
that image.
JESUS!
ok, how many of us saw this coming from Pinkie's candy habit other then a fat problem?
350987
It'll show the numbers until you post the reply and leave the page in my experience - I think it's the comment number you're replying to, maybe?
This is a good story. I like it.
351095
I'm glad it's believable
351114
I've gathered as much, but hanks! Also for liking it!
Is this a tenacious d parody?
This story made my teeth feel funny, but still a good 'un! Definitely tracking it.
I really like what you have here. I am tracking, and will reward you with a fave if I like the rest. I also gave you a like. I would suggest you try to slow the pace a little bit. The story zipped through a lot of plot in a few paragraphs.
My my my my my my myyyy... I rarely come across any fics starring the mighty scourge of tooth decay herself, Colgate the Cavity-Crusher... I am quite interested as to how you will interpret her. The obligatory dentist background was a given, but you seem to be going into her family as well. Awaiting next chapter with interest.
fc00.deviantart.net/fs71/f/2011/169/d/1/chip_and_colgate_by_jdan_s-d3j3sbd.png
Also, I deem this relevant. And funny as tits.
Never thought I'd read a fanfic who's plot that centers around teeth! Then again, I'm pretty surprised that I haven't.
This is a fun idea you got here. Makes sense that Pinkie's mouth would be a disaster zone. Like someone else above me said, you did move through this a little too quickly. The dialogue is good, but there isn't much in actual prose to really engross me into the scenes. I don't know if this is intentional on your part or not, but I find it strangely humorous that Pinkie can go "okie dokie" like normal after she's been told she might die. No, I'm not saying you need to make her super afraid; it'd actually be a neat quirk if you kept her all cheery. But don't let me affect you. It's your story, after all. I just comment to show people I care
This should be an episode, teach the kids about the importance about brushing you teeth!
351164
Nope, that would've been the toothPICK of destiny.
351205
Glad you like it!
351212
Thanks for the advice. I do intend to slow it down soon, because I don't think I got nearly enough character interaction into this first chapter.
351252
Originally I hadn't intended on keeping Colgate around, but then I thought, why not? Surely she's as interested in the story of her ancestor and the search for dental knowledge as anyone!
351349
I'm always surprised when I find something new in this fandom, just because it seems so overwhelming. Just gotta remember that the fandom is still relatively young!
351926
I do think I moved too fast, but as for the prose, there won't be a whole ton of it. I tend to focus on dialog, taking a style that's almost like reading a script. I call it my style—some would call it a handicap. It's really the result of years of blogging. It's actually rare for me to not write in first person or present-tense, so this is already branching out for me (which may be the reason that I ended up running so fast: I'm not totally in my element). In any case, I like to leave a lot to the imagination, because I have a hard time recounting the very specific images that I get in my head when I talk about a scene. I figure with this chapter, I get away with just saying that they're in a dentist's office, because the reader can fill it in with their own image of what a dentist's office looks like.
I'd like to possibly balance this with a visual aspect, to make it easier to understand something like the earth pony toothbrush, but sadly, I cannot draw whatsoever >_<
352331
I love thinking of this as my proposal for a My Little Pony movie.
hey Colgate, this plaque is interesting. Can I cultivate some to study it for scientific research?
I love it! Write more!
354168
I'm not sure if you can remove any of it without using Colgatium.
354431
I will! Or rather, I am!
Yay!
weknowmemes.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/12/dis-gon-b-gud.gif
Canine teeth? Do ponies eat meat? Because that's what canines are for(As I am almost positive you know). I actually got here from your Over a Barrel video and you were very thorough. I was actually surprised to see this here. Unless you were just creating a silly fanfic and really going into details, I am being way too picky. I don't mean to be a bother, or to offend anyone, but I just wanted to point this out.