Only In Equestria - Kartoon Boot Kamp

by TheFullCrumb

Chapter 1 [Acheron] - Just in time, too!

Somewhere in Equestria, there stands a mighty stone wall, where a miniscule door stands embedded into it, well, miniscule by comparison. Nary a symbol is upon it, except for one, and for some unknown, but possibly inane reason, it is written in ancient Latin, a language of the far off planet Earth. One phrase that, for some, would mean absolutely nothing, if it was not for the humourous symbol above it. A bus drove in front, the doors opening to allow another influx of the strange denizens to enter. Some were neon-bright in appearance, others were angry, selfless individuals, while others were arrogant and whiny. All were there for the same reason, the reason that drew them all, especially the one who stood with them.

“'E. Pluribus Anus?' I don't understand that one.” He entered the door, wind rushing out as a single, older gentleman stood in the centre of the lobby, smiling as he delivered what must have been practiced lines.

“Welcome. My name is Lieutenant Aldo Raine, and I will be your main instructor here at King K Rool's Boot Kamp for Kartoons. If you will follow the man in green armour, gentlemen. As for you, young ladies and... whatever else you are, follow the woman in the blue police uniform for your tour.” Aldo seemed to perk up when he noticed the man walking in. His smile continued as his hand reached out. “Layfon Alseif? I've been waiting to meet you. Follow me.” Layfon, his expression slightly dulled from his trip onboard an overcrowded transport bus, simply nodded, adjusting his shirt as he walked forward. His coat dragged on the ground as he shifted nervously. His body still burned in pain from his last Contaminoid fight, and the fight with the Fallen One. Shuddering, he pushed the thought out of his mind.

“Thanks, I guess.” Aldo led him into a long corridor, pointing as they walked past.

“There is our current training area- and it looks like She-hulk put Johnny Bravo in the ceiling again. Why won't he learn? Ah!” He pointed over at the right. “That is our weapons testing. The reason that particular filly is testing – her name is Derpy Hooves, by the way. Sweet girl. - the nuclear hand grenades we were able to acquire through completely legal means is due to the fact she is somehow immune to the damage. We're still figuring that one out. Also, stand back.” A blast issued forth, followed by a miniature mushroom cloud. The wall remained intact, as did the testing room.

“Isn't that dangerous?” Layfon pressed his hand to the glass to find it still absolutely cold to the touch. The filly inside, the grey filly, stood on her hind legs, a pitchfork in her hand. Her eyes glowed red as a blood-red crown floated to her head. With a snarl, she pressed her face up against the window.

“I know what went wrong!” Aldo paid no mind to the apparently tortured filly. Layfon stared for a few minutes before leaving, the apparent Anti-Derpy snarling at researchers who had entered to retrieve her. Various ponies skirted to and fro, emphasizing the land the structure occupied. Layfon stared in various other windows, checking out the swords some were developing, while others were constructing robots.

“So... is this a Boot Camp, or is it an actual research division?” Aldo laughed, staring ahead.

“Layfon! Glad you asked, actually. I'm sick of these stupid lines. Gotta say 'em or I get fired... no more getting fired. I'm done being a janitor.” Aldo scowled, staring at the floor as if some invisible enemy was dead at his feet. His hand fingered an empty holster nervously.

“So...”

“All right. I'm not Lieutenant Aldo Raine. I just look like him. He's sick today.” With a flash of green light, a black, chitin-plated equine stood in front of him, around the same size as he stood, with insect wings. She groaned, staring at the ground. “I'm on prohibition. Princess Celestia says so, and until-” A rather unnerving purple unicorn stared at Layfon and the strange bug-pony with anger in her eyes.

“Chrysalis! Leave Mr. Alseif alone!” The purple unicorn's horn charged, Chrysalis seemingly disappearing. “I am really sorry about that. She's... on probation for invading Canterlot. Celestia was apparently friends with her as a filly, and a myriad of others, so I'm not to be too hard on her. I sent her to the janitor's closet. I'm pretty much her probation officer.” Layfon shrugged, pushing the thought of what that entailed out of his mind. He continued on, glancing around. He could barely hear whispers, but the steps from behind were becoming annoying. Flipping around, he stared... directly into Chrysalis' face. She was now clad in what appeared to be blue coveralls, her name stitched into the back.

“You mention this to anypony, and I will murder you. Especially that Twilight.” With that, a mop slapped the floor, dirt congealing into muddy piles on the floor. Layfon shrugged, following Twilight. She pointed at a staircase at the end, smiling.

“The faculty dormitory is up those stairs. I suspect the real Aldo Raine is waiting to meet you.” With that, she turned and left, clipboards following along behind her. Layfon merely stepped up the stairs, his brown hair waving in the slight breeze as he exited the door. The heavy steel slab quietly clicked shut, locking behind him as he gazed out over the large, walled compound. There were so many structures, so many students. The fact that they had even selected him to train all of those characters in sword-fighting made him feel incredibly special, allowing him some modicum of achievement.

“Well, from that look on yer face, I'd suppose you're new here. The beauty of it all... it doesn't compare to the battlefields of Germany. Oh, where are my manners! I'm the real Lieutenant Aldo Raine, Kartoon Boot Kamp instructor.” He raised his arm, glancing at the myriad of watches upon his wrist. “I'm late for the class I'm instructin'!” Layfon was about to ask directions when a more pressing question entered his mind.

“What kind of class do you teach, exactly?” Aldo merely smiled, running away as he shouted his answer.

“The fine art of Nazi scalpin', that's what!” Layfon shuddered. This was going to be interesting.

Author's Note:

Yeah. I'm a bit messed up. Now! A few pointers. The name in these [ ] brackets is the author who wrote that particular chapter. Just thought I'd mention it.

Comments

[bluemoon1996]

I just may contribute something myself