My Comrades, My Kin
"Damnable tarnation."
"Oh come now, Alamo. At least the train didn't go slow."
"Nearly killed us..."
"You have a nice visit to Canterlot!" The train itself chuckled after spitting the two out, chugging on down the tracks with its laughter bellowing through the air.
Zola chuckled as the old pony righted himself back to his hooves, adjusting his hat that had gone askew and his poncho that that somehow twisted itself around his front legs. Once everything had been fixed to its proper place of adornment, he let out a little grunt as he gazed upon the new and improved Canterlot, giving a low whistle of appreciation. In a strange sense, it was perfectly chaotic. Most of the streets were empty, seeing as how everypony had fled to seek peace away from the transformed capital, only to find that the rest of Equestria was suffering under Discord's manipulation as well. The only few ponies who remained were the ones who had either gone mad from his influence or were nobles helplessly clinging to their possessions that now decided that they could get up and walk around by themselves now.
"Have'ta hand it to that Discord feller...really spruced up the place."
The zebra raised a questioning eyebrow as she trotted over to stand beside him. Alamo merely shrugged in reply. "What? The old Canterlot before was as boring as watchin' dirt age."
She chuckled heartily at his words. "So, what exactly is your plan?" Zola asked.
Another shrug from Alamo. "Find Oddjob, fix this mess, save the day, yadda-yadda-yadda."
"...You're dealing with Discord, who toppled an entire country in an afternoon with physical gods as their rulers. Not very bright, are you, man?"
"Just gonna wing it."
"..."
"What? It's worked before."
The only sound that could be heard was the fierce whistling of the wind and the faint sounds of catastrophe overhead from Canterlot. Legion scrambled up the steep rock face of the mountain the famed city rested upon, the highest point in all of Equestria, giving the pure-white diamond dog a gorgeous view over the rest of the land, but the conjoined body of an entire clan did not heed to look out, only to continue climbing upwards.
"I still don't understand why we had to climb the ENTIRE MOUNTAIN to get up to Canterlot." Fenrir complained from within the mind, to which several dozen other souls rolled their metaphorical eyes.
"The mountain itself seems to be unaffected by the Chaotic One's magic, thus, it is the safest." Siria replied from within the depths of the dog's head.
"Won't be like that for long..." The pack leader griped as the rock in the body's claw suddenly became goopy and yellow. In a flash, Legion found itself caught in an avalanche of banana pudding.
On the way down, to whoever would listen close enough, they would catch a long string of ancient curses only found on the oldest of tongues.
"C'mon, we've got newcomers! Let's introduce them to the former capital of their peaceful little home!" I bounded up and down the walls with as much energy as I could exert, sending many a precious decorations on the castle walls to scatter across the hallway floors. It worked a tad, a small fire inside me lit up, but it wasn't enough. I needed more to keep myself from freezing to death.
Around me were two others of the creatures Discord had invited to Equestria, Bereft and Grief. The griffin was an okay guy, but too twitchy for my taste. He had a deep, rumbling voice befitting of a very large person, which in fact he was. I had actually managed to get a chat or two out of both of them while convincing them to come with me. The others were either out of sight or wouldn't bother with me.
Bereft was a bruiser of a guy back on earth, and earned his living dishing out plenty of knuckle sandwiches as a thug for hire. You needed some conspicuous crates with some blood spatters on them carried out of a warehouse in the dead of night in the shadiest part of town? He was your man. At least until one deal went wrong and he found himself in a fight where a fist couldn't compete with the end of a handgun. He hadn't even heard of My Little Pony, but that was for the best. Who even wanted to watch a show about pamby little pastel-colored ponies anyway?
Grief, unsurprisingly, was extremely quiet, and I could only get a few sentences out of her. She was a librarian who had stumbled upon the show. Never really got anything out beyond that.
Strange enough, I couldn't remember everything before Discord had found me in that cave. Did I even do anything before that? As a matter of fact, what did I even do before coming to Equestria in the first place? Everything was foggy and grey, just as my entire body was now.
"Settle down, Dismay. "Bereft grumbled out in a deep bass. "You'll get your chance at chaos soon enough, just stop ruinin' the tapestry...it's pretty nice." He said this as someone who had a keen eye for something worth stealing. Too bad money meant nothing in Discord's world now. Jokes and chicken eggs were for barter now!
"Just can't help it!" I laughed as I freed my grip from a tapestry hanging on the wall, depicting such a proud image of Celestia standing over an army of defeated changelings. "Gotta keep moving...keep causing chaos...gotta keep warm."
Grief's eyes lit up for the briefest of moments as she gazed up at me sadly. The three of us made our way down the hallway, only wanting to get out of the castle and into the main part of the city. How we got there, only the castle itself would allow. Maybe it'd be nice and only take us through a room or two instead of a dozen?
"You...you are cold as well?" The small draconequus pipped up, her voice timid and quite meek.
"Yup." I nodded as we entered the dining room. I knocked over some candles resting on the table. Still cold.
"I...I miss the warmth."
"Me too. But, you live with what you got, right?"
"No...there was a better way before this. Something that kept us warm without having to cause..."
We opened the door, and there we were at the castle's entrance.
"Chaos?" I cackled with a wide grin. Oh, we were going to have some fun.
"Where do you think we can find him?" Zola's voice cut above the noise as they trotted side by side through the ever changing streets, most of the buildings around them floating in mid-air and the cobbled pathways made of various foodstuffs. The sun and moon overhead seemed to had come to an understanding, and they reluctantly hung side by side in the sky, casting the oddest light below, half of the world day, and the other half night.
"Somewhere stupid." Came his quick reply, only to glance out briefly at the area around them. "Which is...purty much everywhere now."
"Why not ask them?" The zebra suggested as she pointed a foreleg at three figures in the distance that slowly ambled towards them. As they came into view, both the cowpony and zebra exchanged a curious glance between one another. A griffin, another creature of combined parts, and...
"Oddjob!"
The two nearly broke into a dash at the sight of their missing companion. When they came upon him and his two equal oddities of friends, he was barraged with a combination of insults and greetings from the two.
"...Do I know you two?"
"Whaddaya mean, 'Do Ah know you two?' It's us, Oddjob! ...And why are you all grey?" Alamo said with as much tolerance for the jabberwocky as he could. He had built up quite a bit of it ever since meeting the dope.
"First off," He held up three fingers on his bird hand. "It's not 'grey', it's 'stormy fog', get the color name right. Second, my name is Dismay, not Oddjob. And thirdly," He took in a big gulp of air.
"Welcome welcome welcome,
A fine welcome to you!
Welcome welcome welcome,
I say how do you do?
Welcome welcome welcome,
I say hip hip hurray!
Welcome welcome welcome
To Chaoslot today!"
"..." A palpable silence followed after he finished the last of the lyrics, to which every eye laid on him.
"Chaoslot?" The griffin rumbled. The jabberwock nodded eagerly. "Came up with it on the spot. Figure that's what Discord's going to call it from now on."
"Clever." The griffin nodded.
"Witty." The other creature, presumably a jabberwocky as well, agreed.
"I actually like the title, catchy." Zola added.
"Would every last one of you shuttit?!" Alamo nearly shouted.
"Somebody's grumpy." Dismay noted as he crossed his arms.
"Grumpy lookin' fer you and all the trouble ya caused! Oddjob, do ya know how worried sick we were of ya?"
"Dismay, that's my name, feel free to wear it out, seeing as how you're not getting it right..."
"What's wrong with you?!"
The silent padding of paws on the ground went only noticed by one in the group. Zola's ears perked up ever so slightly at it. It was the sound of a predator, something she had grown to avoid, a sound that haunted her childhood back in Zebrafrica. She would hear the mighty lion rustle through the tall grass, nary a sound made, and suddenly dashing off. Her entire body tensed by reaction alone, ready to run, but she couldn't.
"What's wrong with me? Buddy, I can tell that there's plenty wrong with you, especially concerning your fashion sense."
"Celestia buckin' dammit, Oddjob-...wait, what's wrong with my fash-un sense?"
The padding was getting closer.
"Well, let's see. First of all: that fucking poncho."
"My mother knitted me this when Ah was but a colt, barely able to lift may first bullet! She put all 'o her sweat and tears into this here poncho!"
"...Was your mother colorblind?"
Closer and closer. Zola was visibly sweating now, and...she swore she could smell banana pudding in the air.
"Ah'm gonna put a bullet right 'tween yer eyes..."
"Pardon us."
Every head turned to just down the road, a tall and lean diamond dog standing there. It's coat was a brilliant white save for globs of yellow that clung to it here and there. It slowly walked towards them on its hindlegs, casually observing the lot before it.
"Oddjob," The dog nodded at the patchwork creature, to which he snorted in annoyance. "Everybody's getting my name wrong? Why?!"
"Because that is your name, the one you go by now is a a simple falsehood granted by the Taint."
"Would somepony please explain what's going on." Alamo had his revolver hovering in the air, something he was about to threaten Oddjob with, but had decided to scratch the side of his head with in confusion.
The diamond dog approached closer, wrinkling his nose in disgust. "The Taint absolutely reeks from these two," He motioned at the griffin and female jabberwocky. He shook his head and spoke with a tone of pity in the many voices that vocalized from the throat. "How long have you suffered under the Chaotic One's madness?"
"Suffered? I think you mean..."Oddjob/Dismay paused. "...What's a positive word that always starts with 's' and also ends in 'ed'?"
The dog shook its head once more before pointing a claw at Alamo and Zola. "You two," To which they gazed at him cautiously. "Obviously you are not affected by the Chaotic One's influence just yet. We am Legion, an ally. Aid us in freeing this one's mind, the Taint is severely weaker in him than it is in the others."
"Just wait one moment." The griffin reared up to his full height, making him almost as tall as Oddjob, to which is towering above the present ponies and single diamond dog. "Dismay's one of us, and he's just fine. 'Freeing' his mind sounds like a load of crap. If you want him, you'll have to go through Bereft right here." He pounded a meaty, clenched fist against his feathery chest.
Legion rolled his shoulder blades and twisted his neck, sending an audible crack and pop of bone through the air. "Very well."
He was upon Bereft faster than the eye could even blink. Zola was astonished at how professional and even businesslike the attack had been. A fluid blur through the air, and the dog had the griffin struggling on the ground, leaving the rest flabbergasted at the sight. The female jabberwock shrieked and backpedaled from the skirmish, Oddjob/Dismay simply stood there with a blank expression upon his face, and Alamo looked pretty much amped up, rearing to get into the fight as well. Anything to end this insanity and get back to his booze sounded right as rain to him.
Bereft may have had strength and size on his side, but Legion had intellect and skill to match. Whenever Bereft tried to roll over or force the dog off, Legion would pull a maneuver that kept him on top and in the winning position. He would smartly strike out with the cup of his paw, smashing directly into Bereft's face, cracking his beak and creating a swelling bruise just underneath his right eye.
"Gerroff!" The giant roared, but to no avail. Legion, moving like liquid, rolled Bereft over, the dog now behind him and his arms locked neatly around the lionized bird's throat. Bereft struggled briefly for a moment, gacking and flailing to get air into his lungs, but slowly, his movement died to nothing. Legion released him once he was unconscious, tossing his large body aside without a care in the world. He wiped his hands neatly and stared out with those blank eyes of his directly at the female jabberwocky. "Will we be having any troubles from you?"
She meekly shook her head.
"Good." Legion coughed before approaching Oddjob.
"Why did you go and do that?!" He nearly roared out, his blank face becoming that of anger.
"It's for the better. Plus, the damage is quite minimal. The griffin will recover."
"I otta do the same to you!"
"You won't."
Legion snapped his right arm back and hammered it forward directly into the small of Oddjob's throat, making him choke on his words. He then pulled back once more and chopped directly into his face, most notably his temple. The mix-matched monster toppled to the ground in a heap.
Zola and Alamo were beside Legion just as quick, panic on their faces.
"Why would you do that?!" Alamo reiterated what had been said nary seconds earlier.
" Abrupt cerebral restart."
"Say whuh?"
"...Fixes the mind. A sudden jolt to the system will get him out of his memory bind." Zola answered, to which Legion nodded, obviously impressed.
"Am Ah the only one who speaks Celestia's language 'round here?"
"Sssh." The white diamond dog quieted him. "He is coming to."
Oddjob stirred breifly as he groggily lifted up his head in a slothlike manner, blinking rapidly as he stared up at the three before him. "Discord's gonna get you all...three months in the fungeon for all of you!"
Whack!
His head was smashed directly into the ground, which so happened decided to be concrete right there. Two of the three present winced at the sight of the open wound of fresh green blood spilling out to sizzle.
"He has a healing factor, he will be fine." Legion stated bluntly.
Pain.
That was the first thing I felt after the fog lifted. It was bad at first, and I wished it away, but I could see that the pain was actually a good thing. It frightened the fog away, forced the cold in the darkness of the pit that it came from, and in its place, came the warmth. Oh, the glorious warmth. It rushed back into my body faster than a locomotive off its tracks, restoring life back into my limbs.
I jolted awake with a sudden gasp of air, one you would take after being underwater for a long time. I blinked several times, my fuzzy vision clearing up after each successful turn of vertical eyelid from one side of my eyeball to another. I could make out certain shapes of something with long hair, something with a hat, and something tall and lanky.
"Oddjob? That finally you?"
I hadn't heard that name in a while. Oddjob. Just the word shocked parts of my head into awakening, and memories came flooding back.
"Oddjob, don't head for the light...it's much too bright!"
"We did not injure him enough to kill him, he will be fine. Another strike may be needed, but he will be fine."
With a grunt of pain, I heaved myself back up to my feet as steadily as I could, wobbling a bit before catching my balance on the flat of my hoof and paw.
"Oddjob?" Came the chorus of three voices, well, two voices and a thousand others, at once.
"Yeah?" I answered as I stood back up to my full height and conscious clearing. I was in a strange place to be sure. The sky above was divided in an even line of night and day, buildings floated about or walked around with legs of their own, and apparently the sidewalk was now bubblegum.
But the best part was seeing three recognizable figures in front of me.
"Alamo! Zola! Legion!" I cried as my voice pitched and my eyes lit up, rushing forward to gather them up in the biggest bear hug I could muster. Not even legion with his speed could escape the death grip I had as I smited them with affection.
"It's good to have ya...back..."Alamo gasped out painfully.
"Where'd I go?" I asked, not even letting up on the hug.
"A dark place, to be sure." Legion said, some of the voices were wheezing.
"Please put us down...I can't breathe...oh I may frown..."Zola choked.
After a few more seconds of gripping them, I reluctantly settled them back on the seemingly solid ground. I grinned widely at all of them before I felt a familiar sensation of something warm running down the side of my face.
"...Why am I bleeding?"
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Oh Oddjob you truly are crazy.
Just some love taps Oddjob.
You are bleeding cuz…
…You tripped…
……
…Yeah…
media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m4vhrizVNc1qj3ir1.gif
... I think I learned some new curse words today. Lets go test them out~
... If only I could say any of them >.<
That awkward moment when you causally ask your friends why you're bleeding from the face.
I think this was one of the funniest chapters. I laughed a lot
Them greyscalez got what they deserved...
you should write a back story to Legion.
1938231
Actually, I'm going to.
1938687 as a separate story or a chapter? He (or is it They?) has enough about him to need a separate story.
1939551
Separate. In fact, I plan to write multiple stories tied into Oddjob's escapades in Equestria.
1942305 I look forward to Legion's story.
1944809
1968109
I know, I own the book, I've read the poem.
1600556
Okay, fine! I just wanted to see Link a Discord story. But still! It's perfectly true! I will read this and then give an example of the perfect link that could have been used as a deus ex machina or other form of plot device.
1994483 Damn, and I such a good run going.
Ok, so they should all have tentacle sex with demon rabbits in the next chapter!
(TO HELL WITH SANITY!!)