On a research trip to the in the castle in the Everfree, Twilight and Spike come across an old set leather bound books....journals to be exact, journals of a young man and a ship not of their world.
This is the tale of a young American by the name of James Cable aboard the whaling ship Abagail and a long forgotten war.
Rated teen for language. Alright everypony this is my first story for FIMFiction, hope you enjoy it. Any tips, tricks, hints, and positive criticism are welcome.
The names of the ship and its crew have no historical base, they are to my knowledge products of my imagination.
I own none of the art or MLP.
Chapters (1)
...Hello, my friend.
I noticed a few things with this story that I thought I would point out.
Firstly, the title. The first letter of each word should be capitalized, and "sea's" should be "Seas".
I quite like the beginning. It's written nicely (with the exception of a few minor errors; easy to fix), and the scene is set pretty well. But then...
This ...sentence... could use some fixing. Say, like this?
I'm going to assume you have no proofreader, pre-reader, or editor yet. That's pretty normal; I don't either. I still HIGHLY recommend them. They can be awfully nice, and help you with the way the story is told, written, and how well it flows.
Of course, again, I'm being rather hypocritical here. In fact, feel free to disregard anything I say.
*Ahem*
The way this whole chapter is written is quite nice; I like the way you describe actions and the like. Feels like I'm in the story.
The only problems I see are as follows:
Firstly, the punctuation could use some work. There are places where periods and commas are needed, and apostrophes are not. These little errors disrupt the flow of the story, and are very easy to fix. T'would only take a few minutes, or an editor.
Secondly, this:
...You never want to give the reader an opportunity to stop reading. You never want to do anything that might throw them off, or make them lose interest. If you jump POV like that, the readers will be thrown overboard (haha!). I can see how this chapter would be an exception; you'd need Twilight to find the book for them to see James' life. Still, you could do it a little more subtly. Just plain out jumping from third person restricted to first person really disrupts a reader's idea of what's happening.
Other than my (useless) opinions, I like this story. I await the next chapter~
Oh, and by the way, congrats on your first story. Good luck with the rest, for there will be many.
(P.S. If you ever need help with editing, proofreading, pre-reading, or anything like that, and you're having trouble finding someone willing [which is really hard on a friendly site like this], just let me know.
)
So, all of the books?
3871206 Thank you for the advise.
3871327 No only the ones that have historical content personal I see it as have a range of books much like any library would.
A good start. Hope to see more.