It had been a normal day. I finished all my chores around the house, and fed all the animals. I thought that I would at least get to take a break and see if I could get a book from Twilight’s, but that was before this poor beaver showed up at my door with a broken arm.
”Ok mister beaver, make sure you don’t use that arm for at least a week now. You don’t need to make it any worse than it already is, ok?” I couldn’t help but smile at my hoofty work. All I had to used were a couple of nearby leaves to make a sling for the little thing.
I couldn’t help but notice the yellowing sky above. Oh no, it’s much later than I thought! Angel’s going to be mad at me! I forgot to serve him dinner...oh darn it I should’ve kept better time...wait what’s poking me? I looked down to see a very angry, but very worried Angel.
“Oh, w-what’s wrong Angel, bunny?” Angel looked at me with a half annoyed face as he pointed to the Everfree forest.
“Something in E-Everfree? Y-you don’t want me to go the- Wait... what was that sound? I-Is that crying? It doesn’t sound like any animal I’ve ever taken care of though. Oh what if it’s hurt or lost?” Without thinking, I started to run as fast as I could, only to stop at the edge of the forest in fear.
“B-But it’s so dark, maybe I should wait for morning.” My ears perked up as the crying intensified. The poor thing must have been in tremendous pain for it to be so loud. “No Fluttershy, you have to be strong and find this poor animal...no m-matter h-how scary the forest is.”
I tried my best to get through the forest, even though I was terrified out of my mind. I hadn't even notice the stormy change in the weather; I had to find that poor animal. “Ooh please don’t cry, I’m almost there -EEP!” I accidently stepped on a branch, causing a crunch that nearly scared the life out of me. Oh silly me, I must be more careful if I don’t want to scare the poor thing….much less myself. The little guy must be behind these bushes...
"A-are you okay? A-are your hu-“ I couldn’t even finish my sentence due to the sheer shock of what I saw. W-what is this….this thing? In front of me sat a strange looking creature. It had what looked like soft loose white skin with no fur. It had no mane, either, and its eyes, though teary, were as blue as Celestia’s sky. The weirdest thing though was that it didn’t have hooves or paws or anything that resembled an animal I have taken care of.
“Are you okay? What are you?” I asked it. At least it stopped crying, but where was its mother? Did it even have a mother? “Do you know where your mama is?”
All I got in response was a glazed stare. It had begun to pour; I must have been in the forest for at least a whole hour and didn’t even realize it. “It’s getting late and I’m not sure where your mother...is w-would you like to come home with me? It’s warm back at my cottage and, we can wait for your mama, where ever she may be..."Poor thing must still be a small baby. Who would just abandon it here though? And wha-Is is it smiling at me? Awwww that is the cutest thing I have ever seen.
“Come on, Auntie Fluttershy will take care of you for the night,” I whispered. Carefully, I grabbed the baby with my teeth and put it under my wing so the little guy wouldn’t get wet. It was going to be a long walk home, after all.
What a strange night.
A/n Thank you all for all of the comments and noting my mistakes.
I have, with the help of Lynked, fully revised this so it's not a wall of text and add commas.
I hope this is way more easy to read then the original, I am so sorry for not taking time to really try harder, also I have taken out the last part because, as I said before, that was the first part of a very rough draft of the second chapter. I promise that I wont make the same mistakes again, and I do hope all of you enjoy this story :D
Ok. I'm sorry. I couldn't finish it. The spelling mistakes and the lack of paragraphs stopped me from getting even halfway through.
'Angel' not 'angle'
'poking' not 'pocking'
Also the lack of proper commas made it a chore to read;
'The baby giggled as I fed it, its mashed carrots'
That doesn't need a comma. It makes sense without commas.
Please get a proof reader. I honestly don't know if this was a good story or not as the sentences ran together and the spelling mistakes distracted me so much. I don't mean to sound harsh as this is your first fic but a proof reader will help a whole bunch.
i391.photobucket.com/albums/oo351/rocbayne1980/Funny/Wtf-am-I-reading.jpg
326631 Thanks for pointing that out ill get to fixing it soon
COMMAS. USE COMMAS. It felt really rushed, take time, most of the time i didnt really know what was going on, and the lack of commas and periods made it even harder. And the spelling mistakes, there were proof read it, man. It went way to fast, take your time and just think about what you are writing. Good idea, bad grammar. (Please dont take this as "YOUR A SHITTY WRITER!" because i once was really bad at writing, my first fanfic sucked. lol. But yeah, i just wanna help ya man.)
327087 Thanks that really helps man Ill make sure to fix it soon I promiss
The story is a good start! but yeah I agree with the others, paragraphs do need to be fixed up a little bit.
needs more work on it. But this story does have potential. Just check your spelling and grammar. Because it sucks, badly.
Again thanky you all for even reading this and for all of the feedback It may seem shorter but I have finally revised it it may be shorter but I hope thats all right with you. Again thank you Lynked helping me I cant thank you enough for this I hope you enjoy the revised version of the chapter
'“Oh, w-what’s wrong Angel bunny?” Angle looked at me with a half annoyed face as he pointed to the Everfree forest.'
you misspelt Angel. Also, it needs a capital. I think you need a comma before 'bunny' too.
'“Ooh please don’t, cry I’m almost there -EEP!”'
you put the comma in the wrong place.
'Oh silly me, I must be more careful I don’t want to scare the poor thing….much less myself. The little guy must be behind these bushes...'
needs to be 'I must be more careful if I don't want to scare the small thing (or have a comma).
'The weirdest thing though was that it didn’t have hooves or paws or anything that resembled an animal I have taken care of.'
'The weirdest thing, though, was...'
'Awwww that is the cutest thing I have ever seen.'
'Awwww, that is...'
Oh. you made some mistakes in the authors note too. it should be:
'Thank you all for all of the comments and noting my mistakes.
I have, with the help of Lynked, fully revised this so it's not a wall of text and add commas.
I hope this is way more easy to read then the original, I am so sorry for not taking time to really try harder, also I have taken out the last part because, as I said before, that was the first part of a very rough draft of the second chapter. I promise that I wont make the same mistakes again, and I do hope all of you enjoy this story.'
I'm currently editing Lynked's Moonlight Sonata, so I figured that while I wait for him to reply to a question I asked, I would fix this up fully.
~Bye!
581129 Ill get right on to fixing that thanks
592966 that, by the way, was an example of cruel humour. I don't mean it in a bad way, though.
596159 No problem. I was never that great at grammar to tell the truth so its really showing in my work. I promise I'll work harder on it!