Civics
Civics
a politically charged vignette
“Elections? You want to know about elections? Well,” Dotted Line gave his audience a long, beady-eyed stare and shrugged, expressively, before continuing, “that isn’t difficult.”
He started stomping back and forth while the ensorcelled microphone tried to keep pace, clattering on its tripod in the manner of a fawn first encountering ice.
“First, you have to have political parties. Now to get these, you have to take the absolute worst of equianity. The craven, the venal, and the mad. Mostly all three. These genetic defectives, these dregs, these bastards we call politicians. Then, these politicians group up—each according to their own specific kind of madness, criminality, and general wretchedness. Now these groups are like a secretive, recalcitrant mixture between criminal gangs and cults, and you call them political parties. Though, I hasten to add, not the fun kind of party.”
Dotted stopped, allowing the microphone to catch up—if it had been enchanted to pant in exhaustion, it would have—and gestured wildly with his hooves.
“And these—these venal, cowardly, malign entities are the bearers of the future of Equestria. It’s in their hooves. But! You have to pick which hooves, see. So you get this other group who are, to the last equine, completely ignorant. Couldn’t tell a constitutional amendment from a hole in the ground. Don’t really know which party is which, couldn’t tell you really which one is in power or what it did, and are fuzzy on what, precisely, they’d want one to do in the first place. These, now, these are the voters.”
Dotted paused and took a few ragged breaths. He took a sip from a glass of water, looked at it suspiciously, and took another sip.
“So! Now you have to start the campaign. In this, what you do is, you line up the PR departments of all these parties and they scream lies at each other. Just lie after lie after lie, at the top of their lungs. This goes on for about six months, by the way. The journalists—a coalition of compulsive scribblers who vary between malignant, misinformed, and misdirected—carefully write all of the lies down and these get delivered to the voters for study in the form of thin sheets of traumatized tree known as newspapers. The voters then, after their best attempt at careful consideration—which is about the length of the average bowel movement—misunderstand half of them, and forget the other half, replacing it with a tissue of fancy, fiction, and… and wild surmise.”
Dotted changed the direction of his stomping in mid-stride causing the microphone to trip and catch itself on its own cord. He swept around to suddenly turn to his audience.
“And then—THEN we get the elections. Oh yes. In these all the voters—well no, not all of them, just the ones who had nothing better to do that day like washing their mane, trimming their hedges, or staring, unblinking, at paint as it dries—so these, these extra-idle voters show up at their designated voting stations, get a piece of paper, and are given a bit of privacy in a booth to do their voting. Here, behind a curtain, away from prying eyes, they pick one of the parties they know nothing about to do something they can’t conceive of, for reasons utterly opaque to the rest of equianity and not entirely clear even to themselves. Rumor has it that cosmic rays, phases of the moon, and weather forecasts for continents long since sunk all play a vital part in this mad, deranged process we call democracy. They then take this piece of paper, and put it in a box. Once the day is over, all these pieces of paper are tallied up and counted and tabulated, and we get to know the results, which is to say which group of gormless malicious idiots will attempt to ruin Equestria next. By the morning each paper declares the result a disaster and hires, presumably, escaped mental patients to explain how such a disastrous and unprecedented result came about. These rants, raves, ramblings, and attempts at prophecy then become gospel truth in political circles for the next four years when the WHOLE BLOODY THING STARTS OVER AGAIN.”
Dotted’s gray telekinesis aura picked up the glass, held it as it trembled gently, and then downed it in one go. He grabbed the microphone which couldn’t dodge aside fast enough, and grasped it as if it was a substitute for a neck he wasn’t allowed to wring.
“Your options,” he said, with bleak intensity, “are these. You can be in one of those parties and lie. You can be a voter, and be lied to. Or you can be a civil servant and spend your life cleaning up after things like this. None of these options offer so much as a shred of dignity or sanity. We are, all of us, utterly doomed. Any questions?”
The foals in the audience burst into tears. Behind them, the teacher quietly buried her face in her hooves.
“So we’re scrapping the Civil Service Community Outreach program, then,” asked Balanced Ledger, adjusting her glasses.
“Oh yes. Schools won’t play ball anymore,” said Spinning Top, serenely. “Completely scuppered. On reflection, perhaps we shouldn’t have sent Dotted just after an election. What a shame,” she finished, primly.
“Shame,” asked Ledger, “Didn’t you hate the idea?” She blinked at Spinning with the same perplexed expression she used for particularly recalcitrant differential equations.
“Dearest Ledger,” said Spinning Top with the sincerity only available to born liars, “I am sure I have no idea what you mean.”
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I feel like I should have seen the first-section reveal coming, but no such luck. I did, however, love it. And somehow I think the foals on Northisle might be a little more inured to this kind of thing.
i almost think the choice of Dotted Line was deliberate of course if asked I will deny it sadly he was the only pony that could be spared that day
Wait. What Elections does Dotty have to worry about? He serves a Princess.
Pfft. You think political parties are bad, wait until he tries to explain what a religion is.
7874179 Well not all the politicians are selected from the nobles so elections matter somewhat.
I do wonder what sort of posts are elected in Equestria. I mean, you've got the divine diarchy and the council of nobles. Does Equestria even have an elected parliament? I suppose the individual towns have mayors.
Normally I hate sort chapters in stories but this didn't feel short
This is back. You are back. All is fine in the world
And dotted line is still hilarious. I so missed this story
No Dotted please, tell us what you REALLY think.
This is the best description of elections I've ever read.
The foals cried? Can't have Ponyville then.
Perhaps that is for the best...
7874228
True, but I recall a mention of there being elections. The ponies are, how was it said, quite taken with the democratic process, rather.
And that was the perfect description of why I avoid politics at all costs.
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What's canon I can't say, but in my Equestria, democracy plays quite a large role. I'll quote an old blog post of mine:
Ghost, it's always good to see more from you!
I don't think it was so much the lecture that was the problem - Anyone who even slightly knows Dotty from his rare interviews in the Canterlot Times knows that he is short-tempered, cynical and irascible. It was the crying jag afterwards with a few of the students having to comfort him that really upset the teachers.
It turned out that Celestia had told him of her latest adventure with the Equestrian Opposition Party and her idea to have an election, just to see how well one of them would manage the big seat whilst she moved in with Applejack as a farmhoof for a nice, cathartic summer vacation for a few months.
As accurate a description of modern democracy as I have ever seen.
I'm not sure who said it, but my favourite line about the problem with democracy is that the voice of the wisest, most educated, most enlightened citizen has the exact same weight as that of the village idiot.
... Dotty hasn't had his tea today has he?
Hoy now, Dotted! I know you may have some deep-seated emotional preferences regarding the diarchy, and I don't imagine Equestria has much in the way of lèse-majesté laws, but isn't suddenly accusing Princess Luna of election tampering going a bit far?
I am long been of the opinion that the only form of government that actually works is that of a benevolent dictator and the problem is exascerabated by ten thousand years of human history proving that humans collectively, to use an archaic Megatronism, cannot lead androids to a picnic.
Equestria (and the more canon the truer, it would appear) has got it largely made in that respect.
It can feel like anything from six months to a century, depending on the candidates.
This was painfully hilarious, in the sense of being so true, it hurt. Magnificently done, and quite cathartic to boot. Thank you for it.
I wish I could Favorite this story again every time you add another part. They are hilarious!
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Sudden observation. I’m not sure this is an appropriate place to say this, but I need to do that if only to remember it better later:
This line is not technically correct.
Imagine a social network.⁽¹⁾ Any social network naturally evolves a clustered structure, centered around people called “opinion leaders” – people whose opinions are valued by their immediate cluster at least slightly higher than those of other people. Their votes are worth more, even though they are still counted as individuals, because they influence the votes of their cluster, and thus create new votes from the pool of undecided votes. In many networks they are likely to be, but not necessarily are, the wisest, most educated members. Village idiots, i.e. people substantially less informed and less wise than the rest of their cluster, will almost never be opinion leaders.⁽²⁾
The problem is that this isn’t enough, because informed voting is a cognitive burden which interferes with every other activity, and informing others of your decision to vote one way or another is yet another burden, this time, communicative. At the same time, mass media sources influence the entire network globally and muddle the effects of informed individuals.
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Quite possibly deliberately denied, perhaps.
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More worldbuilding? Yes please.
"So that the situation comes to this: The democracy has the right to answer questions, but it has no right to ask them. It is still the political aristocracy that asks the questions."
http://www.online-literature.com/chesterton/2576/
Is Doted bitter? Nah
Lies? Lies are only a small fraction of the blather you hear. The rest is bullshit, which is far easier than simple lying.
A liar knows what the truth is, but makes a deliberate attempt to lead you away from it. A bullshitter, by contrast, doesn't care what the truth is, so they're liberated from any whimper of the truth. A bullshitter can make things up, and if it's repeated enough times, the rubes will start to repeat it, and then believe it.
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I thought that his glances at the water were attempts to turn it into tea. Too bad his chemistry background was more likely to turn it into something flammable, explosive, and/or poisonous.
Yes, it's almost like someone deliberately kept his tea from him. That has to be against some sort of departmental regulation.
As always, a joy to read Ghost!
A statesman is an easy man
He tells his lies by rote,
A journalist makes up his lies
And takes you by the throat.
So stay at home and drink your beer
And let the neighbors vote.
W. B. Yeats
7874625
This is brilliant!
Wait, eighty one units or eighty one delegates? I'd jokingly ask you to list them, but I'm afraid you might.
As a stereotypical American, I never could understand the concept of voting for a party, which then would pick who it wants to put into office, instead of just voting for the person in the first place.
7874896 Village idiots, i.e. people substantially less informed and less wise than the rest of their cluster, will almost never be opinion leaders.⁽²⁾
I think I can counter your argument with two words: Justin Biber. (It's not the passive-stupid people that bother me, it's the agressive-stupid ones who have clamped onto a bad idea with all four limbs and are willing to club everybody around them with the idiot stick until they're just as dumb.)
Ugh... this is so true it hurts. It touches on all the points that are wrong with democracies and republics, and why they really don't work out at the end of the day. But hey, a slightly shiny shit is better then the other slightly shittier alternatives.
Thanks for this GhostOfHeraclitus, I needed something like this to brighten my day.
FiMNonfiction.net.
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Twenty seven units. Eighty-one delegates.
And, please, as if I'd carefully map out the political divisions of a completely fic—Royal Domain,Free City of Canterlot, Ponies’ Republic of Vanhoofer, Principality of Unicornia, Dominion of Neighagra, Commonwealth of Manehatten, Grittish Principality, Duchy of Trottingham, Principality of Fillydelphia, Dominion of Baltimare, Free March of Haysead, Free City of Dodge, Republic of Appleloosa, Duchy of Whitetail, Applewood Homestading, Duchy of Los Pegasus,, Freehold of San Palomino, Duchy of Cloudsdale, Archdiocese of Hollow Shades, Everfree Riding, Whitstone Tithing, Northisle S.A.R., Northreach Barony, Free City of Stalliongrad, Loshadska Oblast, Yaket Federated Lands, Smokey Mountain Protectorate. Under dispute: Principality of Ponyville—tional place like Equestria. Why, the very notion is silly.
I was a voter once... until the politicians realized I knew far too much.
Now I'm a candidate.
All save for one grey colt whose pale mane appeared to have had a bad run-in with a hand-mixer and was never corrected. Said colt merely rubbed his hooves together and cackled sinisterly, hatching plans for dealing with cherngelerngs via bureaucracy. He knew about the bug ponies, of course, due to a severe lack of internal continuity within the narrative of the show which had by now bled into the past as the paradoxes mounted and rent the fabric of space and time assunder.
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You don’t seriously consider people who trust Justin Biber to inform their voting decisions smarter than him, do you? :)
If, at the same time, the relative intellectual disparity between Biber and those who will do this escapes you entirely, that’s what I called “a cluster of village idiots” in the footnote in the comment you quoted.
7874179 Evidentially, Equestria here is a Constitutional Monarchy. A state in which the political power of the monarch is reduced to the open8ng and closing of Parliament, signing acts into law or other mostly ceremonial roles with the legislation and leadership of the country in the hands of the elected body of gormless foools we call politicians.
I quite agree with Dotted in his summation of democracy. Unfortunately absolute monarchy tends to devolve after a generation or two - if we are lucky - to despotism and tyranny.
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I think dotty might have this view to water on the whole...
Never has Dotted Line reminded me so much of Sir Humphrey Appleby as in this chapter.
Damnit, I tried to like it again. Good chapter, sir.
To paraphrase Pratchett: completely correct except in every particular. Nicely done.
Truly wonderful. I wish you wrote novels I could buy.
Hey, I'll have you know my bowel movements are pretty long. So there. And you know, Einstein thought up General Relativity while on the john.
It sounds like he is blaming the system here, where before he was blaming the individual. Does Dotted blame both?
As someone wiser than me once said:
Democracy is the worst form of government (except for all the others).
I don't think I need to add anything to that.
If you'll excuse me, I have to ponder my bowel movements. Never knew those buggers could be so fast. Or scale cliff walls, for that matter.
On a side note, whenever I see the chapter title I can hear Dotted Line doing this:
Except with "civics" and in his trademark
ScottishNorthisle accent (and, come to think of it, probably with more of a Peter Capaldi / Malcolm Tucker voice).If i EVER have to do Brit Con, I am quoting this.
Spinning Top has clearly learned at the hooves of a master.
If only our cycles were a mere 6 months, instead of 1.5 years. I expect campaigning for 2018 congress to start sometime in mid-May.
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Pretty funny, since they if they are gods/goddesses, then they simply are as a matter of fact, really doesn't matter what time or pay schedule. Although one presumes that like many such beings it is possible they enjoy the rules as they make the game of life so much more interesting than declare this, smite that and so on.
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Well, you see, it also matter what you want to do and Celestia... Celestia's playing a very long game. Smiting and declaring would run counter to the Long Game.
Some bright political ponies came up with the idea of a Representative Republic in an experimental effort to insulate and somewhat distance to Political Process from the fickle whims and mercurial blunderings of the Voter Constituents in much the same way sheets of newspaper distance expensive hardwood flooring from an unhousebroken pet.
On paper, the reasoning was sound: voters vote for representatives, who get assigned a college of electorates, who in turn vote for the politician. Rash, emotional decisions by the Unwashed Masses get buffered and normalised by three levels of political indirection, levelling peaks of liberalism, filling valleys of conservatism, and generally smoothing things over to maintain the status quo.
Unfortunately in practice it meant that all the mad, criminal, and generally wretched behaviours symptomatic of a metastasised political party were cubed: Politicians were elected by lying and deceiving Electorates who were in turn elected by lying and deceiving Representatives who lied to and deceived the hoof-full of voters who bothered to turn up at the polls between bowel movements and watching televised re-run episodes of Celestia's Cakes.
