It was a normal day in Ponyville, Rainbow Dash just finished her weather for the day and was planning on relaxing before meeting up with her friends. Little than she knew her whole life would change forever.
Rainbow Dash just steps in her room ready to jump on her bed. When her hoof hit something.
"Ouch!” She yells, "What in the hay?"
After looking to see what she hit, a strange pony appears from nowhere.
"Rainbow Dash.” It spoke, "My name is Rainbow Chaser, your great-great-grandfather and I have some bad news for you."
"Huh? My great-great-grandfather?", Rainbow Dash asks, "And what bad news?
"During my time, I was one of the best flyers in Equestria and a top engineer. I soon came to a problem. I once had a dream that all of Equestria was in great danger and saw a Rainbow blur shooting across the sky. I soon realized that it was you, born my years from my time. Seeing this new threat in my dreams I knew you were unable to handle it alone." Chaser said before Rainbow Dash cut him off.
"No dud, me and my friends can just use the Elements of Harmony to take care of it." She said waving off the speech.
"I have a feeling you were going to say that, but I'm afraid they won't work." Chaser said surprising her.
"But I did make something for you to help you fight with, I hid it in this room. Please head over to that wall." Chaser said and pointed over to the wall that she had her Daring Do books up against.
Rainbow moved her books and look back at Chaser.
"Look closely at the wall, there is a small hoof pad that you need to touch to open what behind there." Chaser explains.
Rainbow Dash looks closer and saw the hoof pad. She raised her left hoof and places it on the pad.
Then the wall shot up and there was blue armor standing in front of her.
"I build this armor for you, It design to help you take heavy fire and is built with a weapon that I come to call a buster. It can copy weapons from the enemies you defeated and is able to fire small shots. Also, you can charge the shots to make your attacks bigger. And if you ever need it just say, "Mega Mare Armor on!" and it will appear on you." Chaser explains.
Rainbow Dash looks at the armor in awe. "This is so cool." She whispers.
"One more thing, until the time is right, do not, I repeat, DO NOT tell anypony about the armor. It's for you and you alone. Plus I hind upgrades to the armor all around Equestria and you will have to find them. Please Rainbow Dash I'm counting on you to save Equestria." Chaser said once more before disappearing.
"Hey...Wait! What about that threat...darn." Rainbow Dash muted.
She turns back to the armor and took the helmet and look at it.
It was blue with a small light blue edged near the bottom and a line blue line that went across the middle. At the front really surprise her. There was a red gem that was shape like a Thunderbolt just her element and her cutie mark.
She tries to put it on but found it won't slide on.
Rainbow sign and put it back and look at the rest of the armor.
Like the helmet, the rest was mixed with blue and light blue, plus it looks to be missing some pieces, mostly around the arms and legs. Then again if it was built for her, she got to move around freely.
She looks at it some more before a yawn overtook her. She was getting tired. She put her hoof back on the pad and the wall close. Then she lies down on her bed and fell asleep thinking about what she saw today.
In coming Mission...Save Ponyville from unknown threat.
Ready? Start!
Rainbow Dash walks across Ponyville feeling refresh after her nap.
But her mind kept drawing back to the armor. She checks to see if it was a dream and see if the armor was still there and it was.
She even remembers the message from her Great-great grandfather. How was she going to stop a threat if she doesn't know what it is?
Rainbow walks some more before a shadow covers her. She was just about to fly up and move what she thought was a cloud away when somepony shouted, "What in Equestria is that?!"
Rainbow Dash looks up and saw something she never has seen before. Everypony watch as it floated over Ponyville, then stop and it's bottom open.
Then strange creatures jump off and land in front of them. At first, nothing happened, then apart of the creatures open and began to attack Ponyville!
Ponies left and right began to run for their lives but Rainbow Stood in her place not wanted them to destroy her home.
"Hey! NOT COOL!" Rainbow Dash shouted and bucks the closed one.
It didn't do anything but knock it over. However, it picks itself right back up and stated attack Ponyville again.
"Uhg! I got to stop them, but how?!" Rainbow Dash shouted trying everything she can.
Noting work, all her attacks did was knock them down and they just got right back up and continue attacking her home.
Then it clicks, this had to be the threat Chaser told her about. She needed that blue armor.
She flew into the sky hoping she can reach her cloud house and get the armor, but no sooner than she did, the creatures began to shoot at her!
Rainbow Dash dodges left and right before she was forced to land in an alley.
After she did, the creatures went straight back to attack Ponyville.
Guess I just have to call the armor from here. She thought before shouted, "MEGA MARE ARMOR ON!"
Inside Rainbow Dash's room, the wall open and the armor started to float out and flew strain to the door and pass all the flying things and soon found Rainbow Dash in the alley.
Then it dives to her and a bright light covers the ally.
Rainbow Dash can feel the armor clap on around her crest, upper hoofs, lower hoofs, her lower area before her legs, and her head.
When the light fade, Rainbow Dash saw she was now standing on her back hooves and look at herself.
She saw that the armor fit her perfectly and saw that a few apart of her normal body was showed. Even her Cutie Mark was showed. Her Rainbow tail still stick out and her mane was now inside the helmet, the only thing she was not happy about was her wings were now cover by the body armor.
She looks at her right hoof and saw it change into what she believed was the buster weapon Chaser told her about.
"Well, Time to give this thing a test run." Rainbow Dash said and ran out to the opening and started firing at the closest creature.
Her Buster did the trick, instead of getting knock over it wrench in pain as the shots hit it. It turns and attacks Rainbow Dash.
Rainbow jump over its attacks and return fire.
This is so cool! I feel stronger with the armor on. She thought as she shot it again.
Finally, the creature couldn't take anymore and fell over and exploded. Rainbow smile at her victory but quickly realizes it not over yet. She still had more to take out and ran on her back hooves to find a way to save Ponyville, Unknowing that somepony else was watching her from the shadows.
As Rainbow ran through Ponyville she learns more about how to use the armor. She found that even though she can't fly, she can climb up walls by jumping on them and learn how to use her change shots.
There were two different types of change shots. The first charge was a small narrow shot that was quick and took out smaller creatures and the second charge shot was bigger and took out many creatures in one shot except the big ones that took heavy damage.
She loved the armor more and more. Finally, she came to a clearing. She notices she was in the Play Pet Park and saw the big thing again and ready her buster.
It opens its bottom again and this time send creatures that had wheels after her. Rainbow took care of them quickly. "Heh, can't handle the Dash can you?" She said.
Then the big thing passes over her again and stops and opens its bottom again and this drops a red creature with a smaller purple creature inside it. She felt her mind shout, WARNING! WARNING! And ready herself.
Then the creature dash across the field and hit her. Even though armor took most of the hit she felt it hurt all of her body. She fires her buster, only for it to push the creature back a few inches.
It began to walk up to her and Rainbow ran around it firing try to get the time to charge her shot. Finally, she had the time and charges it. Was it was full, she fired, but like her normal shots, it only pushes it back this time a few feet.
She didn't have time to charge her shot again as the creature charge up to her and punch her again.
Rainbow can feel her armor telling her that her energy was low and one more attack can destroy her. She watches as it walks up to her then jumps back.
What is it doing? Rainbow thought as she fires again. She fails to notice that it fire an electric ball at her. At the time she saw it, it was too late. She was hit and surrounded by an electric field, unable to move.
The creature walks up to her and picks her up and started to squeeze her. Rainbow cries out in pain unable to do anything.
"You stupid Pony!” It said, "Did you really think you can beat me?"
Rainbow couldn't answer, the pain blocks all words from her. She only hopes some pony will help her.
Luckily for her, that wish came true. A Charge shot flew through the air and hit the arm holding Rainbow Dash. She fell to the ground and watch as a red armor pony zoom in front her ready to fire it buster again.
Who is this? And why do I feel like I see this pony before? Rainbow thought as the big thing came down again and the purple creature made the red one jump on to the bottom part as the red armor Pony fire.
They both watch as the big thing flew away into the clouds.
"Guess I'm not strong enough to beat that thing." Rainbow said look down.
She hates to admit it, but knew not to lie about it, she was just saved by this pony, whoever it was.
"Dash you can't think that you can win the first fight all the time." The red armor pony said.
Rainbow looks up at the pony in surprise. It saw the whole fight? Who is this pony?
"Listen Dash, we are facing a new threat and so far me, and you are the only ones that can fight it, so don't think you are weak. Just keep fighting and you'll get stronger." The red armor pony said cheering her up.
Rainbow stood and said, "Thanks for the save back there, I'm Mega Mare Dash."
"I'm Zerofire." The pony said and shook her hoof.
"I need to go, you have done great, get some rest, you earn it." Zerofire said.
Rainbow nods, her armor were warning her that it can't take any more hit and she was tired after all the fighting she been in.
Zerofire turn and walk away, but stop and said, "You are one great hero, you know that?" And walk into the fog that rolls in.
Rainbow stood there, smiling and turn her head back to see all the ponies that came out of their hiding places and look at her.
"Everything is fine here now; you can start rebuilding your homes. I'm going to get some rest." She said and walks away.
"Wait!" One of them called and Rainbow stops.
"Who are you?" The same one asks.
Rainbow smile and said, "Like I told my friend, my name is Mega Mare Dash."
Then turn and walk into the fog as well.
My first impressions:
Grammer needs work. Do you know of when to place past/future tense words? For example:
*finished*
*moved*
Remember, readers on this site will be very picky about grammer.
*Dude*
Do you mean: WARNING?
Rainbow Dash walking like a bad-flank into the fog? Little too early for that. Speaking of which:
Is should be: Rainbow smiled and said, "Like I told my friends, my name is Mega Mare Dash."
(New Paragraph)
She turned around, and walked into the fog as well.
Another thing: The beginning is pretty rushed. Out of no where? Her Great-Grandfather appears who somehow is affiliated with a pony version of Mega Man? Needs a bit more backstory. In stories like these, it's fatal to rush into the action right away like this. Especially if there are loyal fans to the Mega Man series reading this. And be VERY careful with personalities of characters. However, Rainbow Dash seems to be pretty accurate to the show, just be sure if you are to post more chapters, watch/rewatch some of the episodes of My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic.
And lastly...WHERE'S BASS?! Ahaha, just kidding.
Now, all of those aside, Let's get to what you did well.
Grammer, although a little tacky in a few areas, is pretty solid. Readers will enjoy this.
Interesting concept. Mega Man AND Rainbow Dash? You've earned a like.
Character's personalities are handled pretty good, but it could be better.
And lastly: Good Cover Art. Other than seeing how many Likes and Dislikes, this will prompt people to read your fiction. Plus, you gave credit, so kudos.
Remember, this is called Constructive Criticism. Don't take this as an insult, take this as a reminder or a note of how you can improve and conjure a good fiction. A little work can go a long way.
-ShadowFall
3676380 OK few things, one thanks for pointing out the mistakes I miss them some times. Two, I'm going by the game and it too went right to the action. Three it her great-great grand father. I'll fix them now.
3676404
Three, it's her great-great grandfather. I'll fix them now.
A couple grammar errors in the description
...I'm guessing english isn't your first language?
Ok heres an edited version, with parts i added in, which i think makes it better, but you can decide on that.
Rainbows life changes when she finds a strange armour which grants her amazing abilities. She choses to use it to protect Ponyville and Equestria from a horde of strange creatures. This is the birth of Mega Mare Dash.
All enemies are based off of the game, they will be called Chaos Soldiers. I plan on doing 8 Mega Man X games. Sorry if this is short but I really don't have a lot to say other then enjoy! Image belongs to xscaralienx. I like it!
3676414 And here one more thing about this story, I'm going in the order the way beat the Boss. So I mess up grandfather, it happens.
3676433 English is my first language, it just, there are some words I can't spell. I'm 23 mind you but I do try.
THe beginning is really rushed, and the grammar is pretty bad here and there. If this story's gonna get off the ground, then it's gonna need a new first chapter. I'd be happy to help, if you'd like.
I think i play mega man x like ten times i love it, i imagine Dash great grandfaugther like Ligth with beard and with mane and coat, so they are a strange family of sport ponies with a mix of genius
I like the idea here, but he dialogue is very stilted, and both spelling and grammar are huge issues. The story is rushed, plus three YouTube videos is also pushing it a bit. It may have been finished for a while, but I still highly recommend finding an editor to help you clean this up/rewrite it for the sake of any new readers.
It also irks me a bit that you were given fixes a year and a half ago for some of these mistakes by at least one of your readers, which were subsequently ignored.
Sometimes I wonder if you typed the story in a hurry cause there's a lot of spelling mistakes that could've been avoided if you slowed down and took your time this would be a better story with no mistakes at all.