Princess Celestia finds herself in a strange new world, with a strange new body. With no knowledge of this land, and no way to return home, she finds herself relying on a kind-hearted man to show her what it means to be a human.
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I rather enjoyed reading this, the idea for the story is interesting although not original by any standard and although i am not the best judge of grammer, i can't see any obvious promlems.
The one thing is i don't like is the fact that the charaters immedietly trust that they are who they are or whether they are trust worthy.
I don't know about you but if i happend to run into someone dressed like Celestia who had no idea where they were i definetly woundn't bring them back to my home and they would most likely end up in a mental instutute.
But then again you have to start the story somehome right?
Cautiously optimistic,
~EastonDragon
I've always enjoyed these kind of stories. Keep up the good work! :3
Much potential for this fic.
At least you got the awkward shit out of the way.
I shall fave this fic and thumb it up.
I shall be watching.
Good story. Fast pace and straight to the point, I like that.
Nice.
3627902
What would you do if that woman happened to be right next to a bronycon?
It's an okay story so far kinda wornout storyline but its okay
I'll surely read it later, but take my fav XD
More please :3
please sir, can i have some more?
pretty good my friend
Like and fav
Also by the looks of it I see this 'Phil' character is going to be very special.
3629332
nah he can't possibly be a main character
Awe I hope luna finds her lol
4.bp.blogspot.com/-Q136K_hdGlc/UZ40_XwR5QI/AAAAAAAADdw/q9KcYk3ULNU/s1600/please-sir-can-i-have-some-moar.jpg
*Headdesk* *Headdesk* *Headdesk*
As I said on your other story. MAKE UP YOUR MIND! Either you stick with 3rd person narrative or you stick with 1st person narrative. Don't abruptly switch from one to other in the middle of the goddamned story!
Also:
Beginning your conversation with "You're not real" is a bad idea when talking to someone who is completely confused and disorientated?
this.is.AWESOME.
Has potential. A little fast paced, but not a bad start at all.^_^
You. sir, are a good writer. I'd say great, but there is only one thing about this chapter that irks me, and it prevents the "great".
You are constantly switching the narrator. There are only three ways to write a story: first person narrative (I), second person narrative (You), and third person narrative (He, She, Character Name, etc.). It is possible to mix the narratives, but it's best to let the reader know when the narrative is going to change, who is then telling the story, and when the story is going back the original narrator. Let me show you something:
Right there is an example of unfocused writing. It switches from 3rd person to 1st in a snap with no indication that the narrator has changed from omnipresent to one of the characters in the story. It confuses the reader and very well may get them to stop reading. I compare this with The Princess and I because this is basically the same premise, only with Celestia. That story kept in 1st person all the way through, and it was good. I agree with M-Tails-P; try to make up your mind as to who is telling the story. Is it Phil, Celestia, or the omnipresent narrator? Choose one (both the narrator and 1st, 2nd, or 3rd person) and your story will flow that much better and possibly get you even more readers.
Advice from:
- Editor of Equestria, I Choose You!, Element6147
images.ukcs.net/11858/robot_kitten_approves.jpg
MOAR NOW!
..if u dont mind : )
Wonderful, can't wait to read more!
Amazing work cant wait for moar :3
Yaaaay! Boobies!
3631956
My thoughts exactly.
I don't like how he explained it to her, but otherwise I'm enjoying the story so far.
3632158
My guess is that he immediately trusts her because he's read so many fanfics that this sort of thing has become completely believable.
And he did mention that he's a bit crazy.
I just noticed something BIG this say sex on it. and the writer is in a group called clopfics well... well when I thought this was going to be a slice-of-life when its a clopfic... about the writer... well I'm not shore to like or hate... I guess I'll have to stay tuned... (but I do thing it would make a good slice-of-life but that just me) BUT I love it so far!
Could use some polish, but it's a pretty good start.
3632937
Not a clopfic. Don't worry. It's not rated M for a reason.
3633060 oh I jump to conclusions be because on your the page it said if any one notices this comment you'll make a new colpfic... nothing against clopfics... I like reading them BUT never minded that [Insert Blushing HUMAN here] ... but just keep it up it's a great story [Insert none pony smiley face]
I want more ! :D
Great start to a story--Found it a little confusing when you went from third person omniscient to first person for narratives but that I can understand considering the narrator hadn't shown up before Celestia did.
NIGGA I NEED MOAR!
its quite good old chap!
I like it. Can't wait for more.
Hmm... Some large leaps of faith from both protagonists. In particular:
"She's crazy. Oh, now she's crying. She must not be crazy."
Although the crying may indicate that she believes what she says, it says nothing about whether it is actually true.
i think it's going in a decent direction but the crying scene could have used some work no one really change there mind that fast from that but other than that you're golden my friend
It has potential, but there could be more story. Celestia kinda just accepted everything that came to her, and did not ask any questions. Feels like the story plot progressed to fast.
I feel, deep down in my heart, that there is a Charlie the Unicorn reference somewhere, whether or not it was on purpose....
I think you should stick with either first or third person. Constantly switching narrative is very confusing.
Hm...
Simple things.
1 - Keep to a singular Narrator, Either Celestia, Phil. its disorienting.
2 - The Speed in which things progressed. I highly doubt Celestia would be automatically so willing to get into a Car, nor go with someone who is (Possibly/Easily) More powerful than her at this moment.
I dunno, you've got this weird double-perspective where the story is written from the first-person perspective of Phil ("That human was me.", "I stared at her as she began to cry.") , but you're also relating information internal to Princess Celestia, when Phil isn't present in the scene, like you're writing in third-person. ("She found it difficult to keep her balance."). While it may not be "wrong" to write like this, it's really jarring to my eyes, and the story really suffers, at least for me it does. I may be wrong, though.
Suggestion: Either have scenes where the first-person perspective changes from Phil to Celestia on a scene by scene basis, or keep to a first-person perspective of Phil.
That said, the story concept itself isn't too bad, though I agree with an earlier poster that meeting a woman dressed/looking like Celestia on the street would not inspire instant trust.
Was giving this a chance. Read the first chapter. Whelp, you lost your chance. I'm out.
3628733
That would make more sense but i wouldn't immedietly invite them to my house, thats the fast lane towards waking up and everything being stolen, friend.
(maybe i would give them a lift into the closest town or police station but letting a compete stranger into your home is a bit unrealistic )
I like this story a lot!
"This is a draft right now, and has been revised once so far. Tell me what you think."
As you wish.
It's a decent story so far. My main issues are, one, that the pacing is off. The characters seem to trust each other instantly, and Phil almost instantly believes this is the real Princess Celestia. And two, that Celestia is kind of out of character. Yes, I get that she's in different world trapped in a different body, and that's scary, but it feels ... off, reading her characterized as so blatantly weak and helpless.
Already I can see something that's going to cause some problems later on: perspective.
You seem to be constantly transitioning between first-person perspective and a pseudo-third and third-omniscient perspective. You might want to fix that, as it'll cause issues later on as readers work to grasp the story. I've made the mistake before, and it takes more to fix the further into the story you get.
Pick which perspective you want to use -- first or third -- and stick with it. Don't bounce back and forth.
Also, things seem a little unrealistic with the characters. I don't see the average human believing something as unbelievable as a pony coming to our world, human-form or not, nor would I expect a confused and frightened prey species to so readily accept aid from a stranger and an alien.
I'll keep an eye on this though, and I can only hope you fix things. There is so much potential for this idea.
wow... the dude is just like "oh she looks sad, she must be the real fucking imaginary cartoon pony princess in the real world as a human!" seriously I don't care how much the hair matches (unless its doing the wavy thing) or how similar she sounds to the real one, NO ONE would just ACCEPT that someone was claiming to be The Princess
piss poor, won't even read the second chapter...