Nice story, I liked it. It had a nice buildup and the saucy part wasn't too short either. It still has room for improvement but overall thumbs up.

Edit:No use showing mistakes that aren't there anymore ;)

3793321

Whoops, fixed! Thank you

Awesome Job!

I liked it. well done. must admit seeing rainbow in a bondage situation as the submissive is a funny sight/thought. still the reactions they had felt genuine to their character. twi-dash is always the best!

I hope my enjoyment is clear when I say that I hope this does not remain a one shot :3

Is this my fetish lets find out

3793871

Thank you! In this story, she mostly did it for a sense of thrill/adventure and to please Twilight. Though I can see her being a submissive regularly - she's always in control of her life, and making her own decisions. In cases like that, it can be relaxing (like stress relief), to just give up that control for a few hours and let somepony else make the decisions.

3794031

Thanks! I did have fun writing this, so they'll probably be more for some point

...
Dayum.

Excellent job. A short scene establishing the dynamic between Rainbow and Twilight, a buildup, and a well executed sex scene. It has everything it needs and all the parts were well constructed. Overall, very well done. I'm surprised that this is your first fanfic.

Her first destination was “The Saddle Shop” - a store near the edge of Ponyville that, according to the sign outside, specialized in “making riding more exciting”.

Oh god that made me giggle-snort XD

For your first fanfic, this turned out great. I can't wait to see what you have for the future, so you're getting a follow. I mean come on, TwiDash, bondage, good cover art (where did you get it? it looks awesome), AND it's from one of my followers? What's not to like?

Great job for your first story, but you can't improve unless people point out errors, right? Besides the occasional punctuation error, there were a couple things that stood out. When you had Dash eat Twilight out through the panties, you had her cum in under ten sentences? You need to add a lot more description to those scenes, and you really can't describe an orgasm in just a couple seconds. The orgasm is that blissful release that the entire story builds up to; you can't just write a couple small lines for it.

As for another thing, you have to include more detail into this. Sure, you had the dialogue and the actions down, but where were the feelings?

Some errors:

pressing her tongue into Rainbow’s marehoold

*marehood

“I wasn’t too hard on you?.”

There's an extra period in there

“Twi, that was amazing”, Rainbow sighed in content.

I found this happening quite a lot in this story. The comma should be inside the quotations, not outside.

In conclusion, I'd be happy to go through this and edit it with you, along with any future TwiDash clopfics you may write.

*EDIT: Wait, completed? You really gotta keep writing this, bro!
*EDIT 2: (Because I forgot to say it) THIS WAS FUCKING HAWT!

Fantastic job, I hope to see more from you in the future.

3795015

Wow, thank you! I really admire your works, and you thinking that is quite the honor and compliment!

I really appreciate the critique. You are correct - that's always the best way to learn and get better. The reason the eating out and orgasm were so short was due to me being concerned that if I spent too much time on any particular thing, it may slow the pace down too much. Though thinking about it, I agree that I probably did cut those important details much too short. So next time, I'll be certain to make them much more exciting and detailed! Same goes for feelings - I'll be sure to focus more on their emotions on my next story/chapter.

The typos have been fixed, thanks for pointing them out

As for the cover - I actually drew that myself, so thank you! I've been drawing ponies for a few years now (and for the past ten months, a lot of TwiDash bondage), and decided to try my hand at writing as well.

I originally planned for this to be a oneshot, though after all the positive feedback I've gotten on this, I'm seriously considering writing a few more chapters for it. I do have a few ideas that I just couldn't fit into the original story. Would it be alright if I sent you a few of my ideas and got feedback on them? And if you don't mind helping me edit, that would be so awesome!

Again, thank you so much

Oh, hey Joey! Funny to stumble upon you here...
and I see you're still keeping up the risque stuff...
Good luck on your endeavors as for me this ship has sunk...

Okay, why is it some of the most well written and executed stories on this sight are clop?

This is the single best mare on mare clopfic I have ever read.
But what do I know? I'm just someone who has pissed off more writers then I can count on two hands.

That was yummy

Really solid job for a first ever fanfic. Very hot, very sexy.

My only serious criticism is that BDSM play generally comes with an actual predetermined safe-word for stopping, instead of asking every few minutes if it's too much. It's an understandable slip for first-timers, I suppose, but if Twilight's secretly an enthusiast with magazines and everything on the subject I feel like it's also not unreasonable for her to have already known about the importance of using safe-words and should have known to use one.

Other than that, great stuff. Keep it up.

--CG

that was an awesome little fic right there. I was laughing so hard at there interactions I could literally see this as something they do once off camera from our prying eyes. I specially loved the moments with rarity lol oh god I could just see her face as twi and rainbow gave her a play by play, I'm pretty sure she'd regret asking and try not to pry again. I do hope this isn't the last time we get to see some fun from twi and her pet. I love the tumblr and would love to see more stories based off there antics there.

Congratulations on the Featured

3796661 Think about it. In these magazines, it would just show pictures of ponies being tied up. How would Twi know about a safe word? And also, for their first time, I think Twi asking Dashie every few minutes worked out good. And besides, every time that Dashie didn't respond in the correct manner, she'd get punished, a win-win.

3795580 Yeah, you can totally bounce ideas off of me. You on skype?

Ok, I have been following your blog for a few months and looking that you wrote a fic got me by surprise.
But it's fucking freaking amazing! For a first work, it's impressive. And no doubt, you have to do more of this, pleaaaaaase!

3795580 Going by the fact that you drew the cover art yourself, and a lot of TwiDash, including bondage, are you the mod of the Twilight's Pet tumblr?

3795890 I dont know but that dose seem to be the case.

this was....... you don't want me to finish that sentence

i'm not saying your a bad writer i just don't like this sort of thing

I found this one to be really nice. I'm usually not that into bondage or BDSM, but this was a thrilling and in some ways adorable read, and put an interesting twist on the bond between the two of them. I also liked how their physical relations simply happened, and wasn't a longing crush that sprouted into a loving relationship and somesuch you've read a thousand times. I like when the feelings are more subtle and subdued (excusing the pun), otherwise it just feels like such a cliché. Sure, those can be good to at times, but currently I'm not in that kind of mood.

4/5, would fave again.

3796661

Thank you! While there wasn't a safeword explicitly mentioned in the fic, I did imply she had one in case she wanted to stop:

so if it gets too much for you, or if you want to stop, just say the word, ok.

Yeah, I probably should've replaced "the word" with an actual safeword, but... whoops....

It's also partially the reason why Twilight shoved her panties into Rainbow's mouth, instead of using a proper gag - it still has the effects of muffling her voice, but she could still spit them out and speak if she needed to.

3796949

Of course! My username is JoeyH3, though I'm only online during evenings/weekends

3797062

One of them! That blog is a collab project between myself and NightmareMoonS . If you look at the tags on the posts, the last tag will tell you who drew that post, or if it was a collab.

3797279 Fair enough. Well, as both a writer and a practitioner (a few years ago) of this subject... time to give it a read.

Thank Celeastia that wasn’t Pinkie, she thought, the last thing I’d need is a ‘Twilight’s trying bondage’ party.

I would like to go to that party, please!

Well, this was much nicer then my first foray into the field, as it was. I could barely sit down for a week! Only one complaint... this is a one shot!
It needs more!

(I am now following your blog as well!)

3797390 notice it says incomplete...

3797993 It didn't when I read it earlier. But now that it does...
lunachan.net/pony/src/136855296935.jpg

Yesssss "incomplete"

Lovely concepts and hot mental images, but there's a sense of rushedness, and the sense that you're telling the reader what characters feel rather than letting them show you what they're feeling.

3797096
3795890
I think its just the passion behind writing the plot, and the flavorful discriptions of the activities involved.
(huehue bad jokes hue)

Damn this is hot!

very very goooood

Two Things:
I don't really like clopfics.
I really liked this one...
I think you wrote Twilight and Rainbow pretty good in Character and I like how Rainbow feels a bit embarrassed and humiliated. I don't think that something like this feels natural from the beginning.

Not bad. Not bad at all.
I do love it when TwiDash fics have both of them almost completely in character.
Thumbs up

By the way, what's up with all the thumbs down on all the comments? Haters gonna hate, I guess...

Time for Sonic Derpboom to be condescending and give this story a thorough review.

Short review: I liked it. The descriptions of the explicit acts were properly descriptive and I didn't spot any spelling/grammar mistakes. With the exception of some unrealistic/unnatural dialogue, there was nothing that hindered my enjoyment of this story.

Long review: This story is excellent. It may be my own biased, given that I do have a thing for lesbian bondage/S&M content, but I thoroughly enjoyed this. It's worth noting that I don't particularly agree with lesbian Mane 6 ships, so I was very hesitant to read this. However, I was pleasantly surprised. The descriptions of the explicit acts between Twilight and Rainbow Dash are accurate and thorough enough for the reader to get a fairly good mental image of what is going on, and the humor is entertaining.

This story, as will all stories, isn't without faults, though. A lot of the dialogue and mental statements are distractingly unrealistic and unnatural, and the actual sex became incredibly repetitive, after a while. Twilight and Rainbow's interactions are still entertaining, though. I love the role-reversal aspect of Rainbow being put in a submissive situation, and Twilight being the dominatrix. A lot of the humor, as previously stated, is entertaining. I absolutely love some of Rainbow Dash's dialogue. Special props to her "I'm what you do on your own time!" line. That one had me laughing out loud. I also like Rarity's brief scene. Her strange interest in Twilight and Rainbow's sex life is worthy of laugh. I like to imaging her thinking something like "Maybe I am the mare who will be invited to the threesome".

In short, good story. You get 7 out of 10 mustache Spikes.

nice job

Oh Celestia yes, you've managed to hit one of my fetishes right there with the dominance stuff Especially dominance over somepony like Rainbow whom I'd classify as naturaly dominant with her personality.
Not to mention that this was damn hot which made it even double the fun.
Well what else can I write, its TwiDash, right on spot with one of my fetishes, perfectly written, kinky... you sir, a like, favorite and a follow, just take dem all

I can also see that The Abyss gave you some juicy feedback already, and hell, following the feedback of awesome writers like him will get you far here since from what I can see in his stories, he knows what people like and desire on this site

Wow, great read. Never knew you wrote fanfics, when I saw your username I had to do a double take lol.

3805335

3798470

Thank you! I am planning to slow down a bit and include more detail in the upcoming chapters, as several people have commented on it feeling rushed.

3804376

Thank you! I always appreciate critiques. I'll try to make things a bit less repetitive next time

Great little read a little long in the beginning but great once it gets started man hope to see more from you in the future