During the first snowstorm of the winter season, late in the winter of Octavia's life, and set in the slums of Canterlot, our aging musical mare is composing her final Symphony. As the clock approaches midnight the lovely alicorn 'Fate' and her earth pony son 'Twist' emerge from the wall telling informing her that this will be her final night.
Enter Mephistopheles, a dark draconequuis, who has come to collect Octavia's soul. When at the last second the draconequuis offers her another option, to hand over all her work, present and past, in exchange for her soul.
Chapters (1)
I am now going to read this later.
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Cool! Tell me what you think!
3570570
Well...
Tell you what I think, eh? To put it bluntly, I think there are a few grammar issues in this chapter. None of them aren't too hard to find. In fact, some of them are a little obvious, if you know what you're looking for.
Tell you what I think:
You need to begin a new paragraph whenever there's a new speaker. That way, your readers know who's talking.
For example:
"Hey Jeffrey!" He pulled out a chair from the table across of me. "How are you?"
"I'm doing fine, John, I'm just trying to find some quiet time."
Notice how there's a space between speakers? That space signifies a new speaker, effectively telling the reader who's saying what.
...and that's it. Well, there's more, but it'll take too much of my time to explain it. Maybe on some other comment.
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Thanks for the feedback most of those errors were from me just copy and pasting in the story from my writing program and not remembering to add those in, so that should be fixed now. As for the grammar I'm still working on that. Once again thank you for the feedback.
Wow, that last comment of mine was terrible!
I don't recall ever thinking once that I may have written something that was totally useless and void!
If you're still around, forgive me for that.
I made myself look a fool.
Your story is perfect in its own way; It's uncommon. Perhaps that is the reason why I thought your writing style was incorrect, even though there really is no right or wrong way to write novels!
You see, at the time, I was just a beginner. I hadn't read many fan-fictions, but I thought I did, and I thought it was sufficient enough to critique other writers and their writing. Now that I look back, I know that I was wrong. For that, I say again, I'm sorry.
Forgive me if you're still there?
My apologies,
Deo