Twilight has decided to break the one rule of magic Blood magic or Necromancy as she raises Star Swirl The Beared from the dead.
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StrawberryKurz
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This is the single worst case of „Great Idea + Horrible Execution” I have ever seen, this story represents so many bad things I can’t even force myself to recall them all, as my mind struggles to forget about the whole experience of reading it, it literally made me cry, but not in the good way, if you were aiming to write a tragedy in which the “tragedy” thing was in the plot you failed, however you have written a perfect tragedy when it comes to the story being simply badly written on a tragically epic scale.
There are many words that could be used here, rushed, to fast pacing, fast forwarded, written in a minute, and so on, however even if I would manage to create a single sentence with all of them and add a solid amount of disdain into it, it would still be an understatement of legendary proportions in regards to how much this story suffers from advancing waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyy to fast.
This story in it entirety looks as if it was written by a 10 year old, who hates twilight, and the thought of Twilicorn makes him go into all caps Hulk like rage, oh lets not forget the last paragraph that makes it also look as, “my oc is better than twilight I do not understand why Hasbro wont kill her and replace her with it”
Qall characters are so much out of character that I had to check twice to see if I understood correctly who was actually speaking, let alone the obvious potholes of how Starswirl broke out of control, how did the guards got there so soon, why blood magic is bad, why Celestia disintegrated Twilight instead of sending her to the moon, which she did for nightmare who committed far worse crimes in her time.
What about her friends they watched silently as twilight was killed? WTF???? Yeah not to forget Celestia just offed one of the elements, oh I guess your super OC will turn out to be element of magic because he is so good he can, and because eif he wouldn’t Equestria would be fucked, hence he is a hero he will score with all mane si… oh wait five, and with princesses.
This story is so bad I actually tried to dislike it twice, the idea was strong but the execution buried this story so deep it’s practically in china at this moment.
I do not rant like that normally but this story was bad enoguhtn that nothing coudl hold my burning rage.
Im sorry you didt like it iwill try and work on it in te future.
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Good!, just do not take it as a personal attack, its not like I dislike you I don’t even dilike the story just the way it was written.
If I can offer any advice I would tell you that the amount of information given to the reader is far to small, whenever you are introducing a new element, such as blood magic or necromancy spare at least a paragraph or a few sentences to explain the “What?Why?When?How?” of it, if you introduce a new character or one from the show which was never actually well explained such as Starswirl, give the reader some background and character information.
Pacing: the way I see it you managed to include 8 chapters worth of information, character building, plot exposition and plot advancement in a single thousand words chapter, color me impressed this thing you have written would be after small adjustments a good description for a story(if you want to write it from the point of view o twilight recalling everything that happened before her inevitable execution), you coudl even have her tell this to that OC of yours, scaring him shitless. but not a chapter so there is that.
Otherwise try to include more viewpoints in the story, obviously Celestia will be heartbroken about what twilight has done, and obviously she cannot make an exception just for her, but that does not mean she will no try everything she has to save her, or find some way to prove her innocent even if there is none, which by the way would make this more tragic, her friends would do the same with rainbow dash being the element of loyalty could even when her guilt is proven still try to save her, potentially making a great scene full of drama as she fails.
Or wins take twilight away only to be captured again and facing her own charges o betrayal and all that, or finding out twilight will die inevitable because that’s how her spell works, and she was never in any place to survive.
Make shining armor into a detective type trying to find any clues that twilight is innocent and finding out she is not, and then have his sense of duty force him into abandoning her or even better turning against her. Make this conflict about necromancy and if it is good or bad spill into his relationship with cadence, in which cadence would defend twilight to the end and leading in the end to divorce that will leave them both heartbroken.
Hey throw in some villain like blueblood trying to bury twilight and destroy any good image of her to get back at rarity for the gala, make Sombra retake crystal empire because of heartbroken state of cadence, turn Luna into Nightmare Moon because of her first friend after her return being dead, and sentenced to death by her own sister. and then after all that Celestia will realize that all of this is her fault and she breaks, there is so many ways to make this epically tragic, just move your imagination.
And if your imagination refuses to move get a whip out of closet and make her/him/it.
Now get to work on it young one, the wonderful world of screwing with fictional character and turning their lovely dream like lives into one of hell and horror awaits.
And remember I will be watching… from the dark.
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3569857
Gosh... that was pretty harsh... but yeah, it was really poor piece of work unfortunately.
To the writer: how old are you and I'm guessing English is not your first language.
Just few thoughts: I don't think you can make a sentence where you use word "and" four times. You have to come up some other way to lead the story. (allso you can't say "then" all the time) All so Dots and Commas would be a nice addition
the other thing was: " one pony was devastated by the execution of Twilight Sparkle that was Shining Armour "
I would imagine that Twi's friend and princess Celestia were pretty upset about this whole incident too..