Roxas was a reincarnation of the legendary keyblade wielding Sora. But due to his apparent death the Organization lost the only asset they had. But unknown to them is that death gave Roxas another chance in a different world. He is now reborn as an earth pony colt with a cutie mark of a black cross. He has been in Living in Ponyville for a few weeks, but because of his new life he has no memory of his past. Unknown to the locals though now that creatures from the shadows plan to wreak havoc on the citizens of Equestria. He now travels with the six elements bearers to search not just for a way to restore peace to Equestria, but to search for his memory.
magic chaser 27 is helping me with the story so give credit to him when you've got the chance.
Original author: SonicBlitz18
If anyone is wondering why the title says heats instead of hearts, it was a typo. My bad. I just fixed it though
Interesting...I must say. Though it seemed too fast in delivery. Also...more detail in what is going on. Though this interesting.
Don't worry I'm getting their.
Cool song and all but what is it even about?
A few grammatical errors but thats okay
but you are taking the story really fast. Slow down and add some details.
but overall, great story.
Keep up the awesome work. I'm gonna favorite this so I can read more^^
Wait are they anthro ponies or regular ponies. Because if they regular ponies then it makes sense for them to see each others cutie mark. If they're anthro ponies then how do know each others cutie mark Do they have a pant with their cuties mark or are they just pant less but still wear shirts?
This is getting good
AWESOME
I can't wait for your next chapters I hope you end your Hiatus soon I REALLY want to know what happens next. Try not to stop this story I love it
This chapter could use a run through by an editor and some TLC from a hammer. There were several errors that I noticed. It could also use some reformatting, like double-spacing the paragraphs (this would just make it easier to read). Only major concern that I see is that complete and utter lack of description. What do the nurses and doctors look like? What's in the room? What sounds and smells does Roxas detect? What does Roxas look like (even just a coat and tail color due to the lack of a mirror)? Things like that are not answered and should be.
???
This is Lyra:
fc06.deviantart.net/fs71/i/2012/252/f/b/lyra_heartstrings_by_moongazeponies-d5e6f6u.png
Based on that small description, I'm guessing you mean Colgate (at least, that's what I know her as):
3.bp.blogspot.com/-tYQ2mdNrQ-4/UN8Z86RRYFI/AAAAAAAACZM/9MZIPBeyWH0/s1600/mlp+colgate.png
Another issue that occurs throughout the chapter is that you flip from past tense to present in narration. A story should only be written in one tense. While I personally find past tense to be the best, figure out which works best for you and follow it. You use past tense for the most part, so I'd stick with that.
Third, don't do this:
Repeating information like that is redundant. We already know that Roxas ordered a milkshake and Lyra ordered a banana split from the narration. Choose one and remove the other (though the dialogue would need some expanding, what did Carrot say, what does he look like, was the room crowded, etc, never rely on the reader to fully paint the picture you are trying to create, you are the one who needs to do that).
Other than that, there are several missing words (ex: "...is that dark forces are work in the shadows." should have an "at" before "work"), homophone errors (there/their/they're errors), and various other grammar errors. There are plenty of people willing to edit your work if you are looking for an editor (which I highly recommend, no matter what skill level a person is at). There are even a few groups available for that specific reason.
OK I like this plz do your best with more chapters
no rush.
why mourning rounds? Is this pony's Family dead?
So far no character development or anything even remotely similliar to a harmonic Story.
It's just poof and Octavia is in love. like you wat to say "who cares, deal with it!"
i do NOT like this AT ALL!