“I'm sorry Rainbow Dash.”
So many thoughts and feelings ran through her mind when she heard those words. She wanted to lash out at her, but another part of her wanted to cry on her shoulder. Emotions swelled up inside of Rainbow Dash, she stood silent as she tried to sort them out.
“Dash, I'm so sorry I hurt you. I know I have no right to ask this of you but can you ever forgive me. I-I don't know, I just panicked. I didn't mean to... I didn't mean to hurt...” She strained her voice trying to get her words out but they were chocked out as she sobbed uncontrollably, She broke down in front of Dash, tears streaming down her face. She couldn’t bare to meet her eyes, all Twilight could do was look at ground and try in vain to hide her tears.
Dash padded over to Twilight, any anger she had for her melted away. All she could think to do now was make her closest friend stop crying. She sat herself close beside Twilight, she never looked up, too lost in her sadness to notice Dash's approach. She was trembling. Dash looked down to her, the sight of one of the strongest ponies she had ever met, crying like a foal, nearly brought Rainbow Dash to tears.
She betrayed me. She literally threw me out of her house. She broke my heart when I confessed to having feelings for her. She hurt me more than any pony ever has. She extended her wing over Twilight and pulled her in close to her. Her warm, soft fur brushed against Dash's and her trembling at once stopped. Twilight looked up from her misery, staring wide eyed at her. Her eyes red and puffy from all the tears she had shed. Dash smiled at her, not her usual brash smile, but one full of warmth and caring.
But, in spite of all that, I think... I love her.
“I forgive you, Twilight.”
Her heart skipped a beat. She... She forgave me? Drops once again flowed, she buried her face in Dash's shoulder. She whimper into Dashes fur, all the stress, worry and heartbreak poured forth.
“Dash!... Dash!... Dash!” She wailed, having no idea what else to do or say. Dash just pulled her closer and let her get it all out, she could feel her hot tears soaking her fur. Dash wanted to cry right along with her but remained strong for Twilight's sake. After a minute of crying she began to regain her composure. Wiping away her tears, she gave a small laugh.
“Thank you Rainbow Dash, I think I'm better now.” Seeing that she was okay, she decided to retract her wing and take a step back.
“Glad to hear it, and, well. Look, I'm really sorry for putting you through all of this. Can we get past this and be friends again?” She said cautiously hopeful. Twilight shook her head, Dash's heart sank. She still doesn't want anything to do with me. Why did I ever have to tell her how I feel? now I've lost the most important pony in my life! Feeling dejected and downcast, she began to walk away.
“Wait!” Twilight's sudden exclamation made Dash stop in her tracks, though she did not turn around.
“I thought long and hard about all of this. After going over everything, I came to an important realization.” Dash's curiosity piqued, she tuned her head slightly, so that Twilight rested just withing her peripheral vision.
“Dash, I don't want to be you're friend.” As she spoke a crushing depression overtook Dash, but something kept her from flying away. A faint hope, to her, a one in a million chance.
“After all of this, I don't think I would be satisfied just being friends.” Dash's ear twitched at the word 'just'. She said “just” right? That's what she just said right? Hope quickly grew inside Rainbow Dash.
“Rainbow Dash, I-I... Would you.. I mean, I would be happy if... I could be your special somepony.”
She just said... She...My special somepony.
“Do you really mean that Twilight?” Her voice shook with fear, this whole ordeal had left her more fragile than usual. Twilight stood beside her, tenderly placing her hoof over Rainbow Dash's. They simultaneously broke out into a blush, Dash nervously looking away.
“I do.”
***********************************************************************************************************
She soared through the air, every muscle in her body burned with energy and excitement. She felt weightless. She felt like she could do ten sonic rainbooms and still have enough energy to fly ghastly gorge in record time. The sun hung low in the sky, after leaving Sweet Apple Acres She had spent the rest of the day with Twilight. They talked for hours, smiling, laughing and just being happy being with each other. It was the best time dash had had in a long time, she hadn't felt this happy even after the Best Young Fliers competition. Dash hummed a happy, familiar tune as she ran her hoof through a cloud.
“I still can't believe it! She said yes!” She shouted excitedly, looping through the air with the happiest smile on her face. Today was perfect! I woke up this morning thinking she hated me and never wanting to see me again. Now she's my marefriend! Her heart raced and a happy warmth radiated through her body causing her to giggle excitedly. Best day ever!
They talked about telling they're friends about their new relationships but Twilight had warned against it. I'm still surprised Fluttershy feels that way. I guess the idea of two mares being together is really strange, but still. And I definitely don't want to hear what Applejack has to say, If I thought Twilight's reaction was bad I can't imagine how she would respond. On the other hoof maybe we just aren't giving our friends enough credit. Well if Twilight wants to keep it between us for now I don't mind. Her cloud home came into view, she glided to her door landing perfectly. It can be our little secret. With that she went into her home, ready for a good night's sleep.
*****************************************************************************************************************
Dear Princess Celestia.
Something incredible has happened to me over the last couple of days. I leaned that, just because something is different doesn't mean it's bad and to think before you say something that might hurt some pony. My friend Rainbow Dash told me that she likes mares, and that she had a crush on me! I really didn't handle it well at first but that was just because I was confused, I know it's no excuse but I felt really bad afterward. Then I began really thinking and I realized that, I had feelings for her as well! After allot of misunderstandings I am overjoyed to say that Rainbow Dash is my marefriend! I hope to hear from you soon.
Twilight Sparkle
Twilight release the quill from her magic. Spike had not returned yet, apparently Applejack needed his help with something. So she had to write the letter herself. After giving it one final revision she rolled the parchment up and engulfed it in green flame from her horn. It evaporated into ash then disappeared. The sun had gone down and after the eventful day she shared with Rainbow Dash she was ready to hit the hay. Getting into bed she snuffed out the candles. Bundling up in her warm blankets she drifted happily to sleep, an image of her marefriend smiling at her was the last image she had before sleep overtook her.
“Knock Knock Knock!” A loud banging jolted Twilight out of her peaceful sleep. She shot up out of bed and looked at the clock. It's two in the morning! Who could it be at this hour? She sleepily made her way down stairs, yawning deeply once she got to the door. Her horn lit up, opening the door.
Two large pegasi in royal guard armor stood at her door.
“Can I help you?” She looked at them quizzically.
“Twilight Sparkle?”
“Yes?”
"By order of Princess Celestia, you are under arrest!”
Huh? what going on
OH COME ON!
3545474 oh, i can't wait till my next chapter! hopefully it's soon
3545462 sh*t's hit the fan, that's what's going on. It will be a slippery slope from here on
This review proudly brought to you, by the group Authors Helping Authors.
Name of Story: Then We'll Run
Grammar score (out of ten): 4
Pros:
1) You're pretty good at building up a sense of hope and good feeling, only to have these feelings immediately crushed. Nicely done.
2) I like that you had Twilight actually consider the possibility of a same-sex relationship, based on logical thinking and weighing up of pros and cons. That just seems so much like a thing that she would do.
3) I commend you for having the balls to write a story in which everypony is not just immediately accepting of Rainbow and Twilight's intentions. In fact, far from it. Well done for putting them in a world where s/s relationships are still not only frowned upon, but flat out illegal. This has my interest.
Cons:
1) While you have gotten measurably better since your previous story that I reviewed, your grammar still needs a serious facelift.
2) For being tagged as an adventure and a tragedy, it has a very slow start. I'm aware that this will be a longer story, but even in those, you need to really capture your audience in the first or—by the very latest—the second chapter.
3) Even though it seems like s/s is illegal in this universe, I still think that Celestia's first move against her new princess would be something other than arresting her. I imagine she would try to at least talk to Twilight about it first.
4) (I'm so sorry about this) The beginning of the story just felt incredibly flat and telly. There was nothing left to the imagination.
Notes: I really am genuinely interested in where this is leading. With this latest development (chapter 6 for future reference and future readers), the sad and tragedy tags are kinda beginning to feel like they might have a place. I really can't see how their current situation is adventure-related, though. The title of the story suggests that Twilight and Rainbow will refuse to be taken in, instead choosing to flee from everypony who would condemn them. Even this seems kinda sketchy though, as an adventure usually involves much discovering of new places, driving characters far outside their comfort zones, building relationships while doing so...
Hang on, this may very well be on the cards.
Anyway, my point is that (as of yet), the adventure tag doesn't yet seem all that necessary. This is due to the pacing you've set, which is actually pretty slow. Had you written three 3000 word chapters, or two 4500 word chapters, it'd be fine. I get the feeling that you're a little too eager to punch out chapters, in an effort to keep readers interested. News-flash: if you take the time to actually sit down and think about everything (including story, structure etc.) before publishing, your readers will be more than willing to wait for updates. You're under absolutely no obligation to anyone to get this out as fast as possible. Take your time, make this the best you can be and the fans will keep reading, as well as thank you for it. Generally, most people are perfectly fine with waiting a week between updates. Many of the more highly rated and epic stories sometimes go many weeks between updates, but they're so captivating that they still retain their readers. Prime example: Book of Days just updated after ten weeks and I couldn't be more excited.
The way that you made Rainbow all giddy with joy at the idea of asking Twilight out, then getting paranoid about her reply, only to have that "leave." line as a reward, was very well done. As I said at the end of chapter three, "Awwwwwww shiiiiieit." I can only imagine that was the reaction you were hoping for. Let me tell you, if that's the case, you definitely succeeded. When Twilight wrote the letter to Celestia, all happy and giddy-like about the situation, I actually had a feeling of fore-shadow about her reply. I called her response before I even scrolled down, but that still didn't really lessen the impact of the situation. You've a great way of making me personally feel like I've just been lassoed back to Earth after reaching cloud nine. (Interestingly, that sounds just like something Rainbow would say)
You're definitely a decent writer, but you really need to get a handle on your grammar. Too many times did I see missing 's'es, missing/misplaced commas, forsaken capital letters and incorrect homophones (you're/your, they're/their/there and my personal pet HATE, lose/loose. Loose is the opposite of tight, not the opposite of find). Like I said, you're definitely improving with time; there are fewer mistakes with every chapter you write. But you really need a pre-reader/editor who can not only fix your work, but also tell you and show you exactly what you're doing wrong. Having an editor isn't just about being confident that they'll fix your mistakes, but it's also about learning from them how not to make the same mistakes again.
Please. Please, I beg of you, try to make your story less "telly" and more "showy". Write us into a situation, but don't describe absolutely everything about the setting or the characters' emotions. Let us conjure up our own mental images.
As with your other story, I shall continue to keep an eye on it, but you only earn my upvote of confidence for now. You'll get the favourite when I can see that you've fixed this up a little. Enlist some help and make it the best it can be, because I do like where it's going.
Here, have a follow. I want to measure your (hopeful) improvement.
I hope you enjoy your review. I eagerly await your counter-review of Keeper of the Crystal Heart.
3552970 Im happy you are enjoying my story
ok so it's against the law to be gay what the hell celestia get it together
What I imagine to be Celestia's initial reaction
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I'm sorry but this has made me lose all immersion in the story.(You don't want to know what happened to people nearby me the last time that happened) Anyways that makes absolutely zero sense. We're talking about Celestia, one of the most compassionate and understanding ponies in Equestria, if not the most, and she puts extra special care towards her number one student. This would never happen in the entire history of the world. Yours truly, Fuck You
Fuck…
God damn celestia…