This is a crossover story in which the famous internet character, Blockhead, accidentally visits Equestria. Blockhead will of course be just as crazy as always.
The story is rated teen because it has a bit of cursing.
If you have not seen Blockhead, watch him first on theswain.com. You just can't appreciate the story without seeing the cartoons first.
This is my first story, so give me some feedback so I can get better.
I don't own any of these properties.
Edit: New awesome cover-art courtesty of the amazing Equinox
Visit his DA!!! http://equinox23.deviantart.com/
Chapters (7)
pinkie.ponychan.net/chan/files/src/132692727688.jpg
300775
Is that a good reaction or a bad reaction?
OH MY SWEET EVERLOVING DISCORD. I can't read it at the moment, but I will tomorrow afternoon coming back from school. But just... Oh my freakin...
weknowmemes.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/11/sweet-jesus-face.jpg
300785 Good. But I'm kinda afraid of what might happen when he meets Pinkie...
[ insert surpised post here]
I.... I..............
Have
No idea who the hell blockhead is.
I just wanted to be apart of the trend....
Is that bad?
OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD
ahahaha he found her Ritalin
don't I know what that's like
300816
This is Blockhead
@Derpy Mooves What.... I dont even..... Yah know what. Yah know what? Yah KNOW WHAT!? Well do you? Hes a nice pony. *tracks*
No! God, please no!
gifsoup.com/webroot/animatedgifs3/1373070_o.gif
Seeing the lively reaction this already got, I am gonna see if I can't finish the next chapter by the end of the night.
By the way, Pinkie's note at the bottom will be a recurring theme.
*Looks at number of trackers, then looks at number of likes*
The numbers do not add up!
/subtle hint
OK! Blockhead! I have not seen him in quite some time. Glad to see I'm not the only brony who knows him.
All right, for some critique, your style could use a few things:
1. Variation. Reread every sentence in a paragraph and try to catch words you use too frequently. If you catch repeated words, try to phrase the sentence differently so that it conveys the same idea, but doesn't end up repeating itself. Blockhead's conscience IS an exasperated old man, but surely you can use different descriptions for his constantly tested mood!
2. Information. I noticed there wasn't a whole lot of description for environments, as if we the readers were meant to fill in the blanks. I understand that we already know what kind of environments Ponyville has, but you need to write it as if you were there. In fact, I don't even know what time of day this all takes place in. Also, think of all your other senses: what does the environment LOOK like, what kinds of sounds can the characters HEAR, what kinds of SMELLS are there?
3. Flow. Writing is an art, and one of its more artistic aspects is its sense of flow. Does each paragraph influence and weave into the next one? Does every sentence have a purpose? I didn't quite get that feeling reading this chapter. Some of it seems like fluff. Indeed, Blockhead is... well, a blockhead, and his musings take him everywhere, but his babblings weren't the only things that broke the flow. I suggest writing down a chapter, wait a few days, then re-read it. You'll be surprised at how many things you missed, and how much better you can make your writing.
4. Content. Not a whole lot happened in this chapter. Blockhead appears. He argues with his conscience. He gets knocked out. Twilight and Spike find him and take him home. You need to make sure each chapter is stuffed with content: that content must be relevent to the rest of the story (again, NO FLUFF!), stuff has to happen in order to move the plot along. I admit I kinda wanted to see Blockhead just wander into town, hassle some ponies, and Twilight need to do something about it. This IS just the first chapter, but it needs more content.
And that's what I think. I hope this has been of some help. Until then, nip it in the bud!
I apologize for the formatting issues in this chapter; I will fix them as soon as I figure out what happened. It looked fine in the preview.
I know that this chapter is super expository, but I think that I paced the humor enough to make it come out nice.
Does anyone know how well the googledocs upload works?
301354
My most pressing concern is whether or not I nailed the characters', well, characters. Blockhead was the most difficult, because it is OOC for him to make sense, yet he still needs to move the plot. I mean, if he carries a stable train of thought for more than three sentences, then he's not Blockhead.
Do you think I made the characters seem like themselves?
*Of course I will take your other tips as well, but I don't want to do much more until I can make the characters right.
301423
You did a great job making Blockhead be a blockhead. The other characters are more complex though, so I'll wait until I read the rest of the tory before I come to that conclusion. Blockhead's not that hard to write for--just say the first stupid thing to come to mind! For Blockhead and characters like him (like Pinkie Pie) it's perfectly OK to break the flow of the narration, since it's apart of their character to do so. It's a bit like having a Motor Mouth character have a paragraph that's nothing but a run-on sentence with constantly changing topics.
In short, the reason I didn't mention characterization is due to the fact that your writing already had it. And another thing, please don't focus on one item over the others. Writers need to be flexible enough to keep their readers entertained, and those five items (Characterization, Variation, Information, Flow, and Content) are the Big Five from which every other smaller aspect comes from.
I'm telling you this because I think you're a decent writer. You just need to blossom into a great writer.
That pet owl twilight has is so gonna be a hoot hoot. "but where on earth is my little......HOOT HOOT. The time has just begun my little friend. WE'RE LATE". also the weavile. Good work so far, you're staying true to blockheadness.
Oh... shit.
Twilight, you should have tossed him into the Everfree and prayed he never got out. You've doomed them all.
Lol.
Excellent job, you made block head very good.
301610
I honestly didn't even think of that, but your comment just broke my writer's block.
302957 There are so many things he could. How did you posdibly get writers block? He can do anything, he doesn't brake the forth wall because for him there isn't one. Oh and at the mention of ghostmas, It eould of been funny if he started singing the ghostmas song
Pinkie and Blockhead MUST interact.
305657
She isn't planned until chapter 4, but I could try to move stuff around and reshape the outline. Chapter three is close to completion, though...
Wat do I do?!
@Derpy Mooves
Don't change the story based on what I'm saying! All will be revealed when the time is right, I have faith in you. ;)
Lol.
"Silly man, you can't make any sound in a library."
I couldn't stop laughing.
310095
That was my favorite joke from the chapter. I had to write the end of chapter two specifically to setup this joke, but it was worth it.
I admit to laughing pretty hard at BlockHead's antics. Especially the whole dirty-face thing. "I don't need this dirt anymore!"
You've definitely improved a huge amount with this chapter, Mooves. Your style could still use a little work, since some of the sentences sound strange. Here's a tip: attempt saying them all out loud, narrating as though this story is going on an audiobook. (Use whatever narrator voice you like, I personally narrate with my best Ron Perlman impersonation.) If a sentence doesn't sound well being spoken out loud, that's a good indicator it needs to be changed.
Keep on writing!
Luna brought home the Weavil? My god, this fic is incredible.
One thing though.
"You're-you're right," Twilight sighed, "We'll get this done quick, and catch up with Spike and Owlicious."
It should be Owlowicious, not Owlicious.
What in the Buck's got LUNA worshipping the WEAVIL?
*twitch*
This story has got... A number one fan.
315573
I'm glad you like it. FYI, I am working on the next chapter as I type this, and it should be up within the hour. Hopefully.
Oh really? Well dang!! Mah day just improved! (Resists urge to add "By twenty percent!")
LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL
315599
Voila; it is up!
315672
I'm thinking of taking at shot of sketching the (SPOILER!!!!!) scene when Blockhead and Pinkie break the wall....
315682
INDEED.
You do a good job with Blockhead.
ANd that grumpy guy.
His feathers were ruffled, and many of them half-plucked from his body, barely dangling from his body.
Should be more like
His ruffled feathers were bent and ruined (The ones that were still on his body at this point, anyway).
Try not to repeat words or phrases unless for dramatic purposes.
Besides that, the plot thickens! TO THE WEAVIL!
315746
YES!!! I hated that sentence, and yours is so much better! I will finish drawing and then change it.
OMG! This story!
i0.kym-cdn.com/entries/icons/original/000/000/107/awesome-face.png
Twilight's eyes dilated as she took the twitching bird into her hands and looked at it.
>>Into her hands
>> Her HANDS
MOTHER OF GOD
Words cannot describe how mind-bogglingly hilarious this story is. Tracked, thumbed up and faved my friend.
315837
HANDS?! What is this nonsense?!
315837
...Oops...
315848
Edit: Fixed!
Also, I suck at drawing Pinkie Pie. Her hair, man. Her HAIR!!!
The Weavil reminds the Flea of the Flea, and the Flea approves
fc09.deviantart.net/fs44/f/2009/070/f/8/The_Flea_by_Paranormal_one.jpg
315859
Really? I find this interesting, as for me the hair is what makes Pinkie the easiest to draw.
317127
It's so difficult to match the curves of her hair correctly.
316521
Here is a picture of Blockhead and the Weavil. The Weavil is, of course, the one in the wagon.
theswain.com/Files/BH_QS2_Sample4.gif
I shopped together a random meeting between Luna and the Weavil.
fbcdn-sphotos-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/426968_3491756340857_1479969143_33215290_544558754_n.jpg
317143
Now I can see where that would be difficult. Trying to perfectly match all those curls would be hard, I just generally freestyle it till it looks good.
Do you know how horrible the thing you just wrote is? Pound just... and... WHAT?
Do you know how terrifying such a thing is?! When your baby accidentally swallows medication he shouldn't be taking?! How the heck is this funny?!?!
GO BACK TO BLOCKHEAD!
334822
It happened in chapter one with no fuss, but I see your point. Now it's caffeine. They're both stimulants, so the story shouldn't change. Sorry.
I am not happy with what I have for the next chronological chapter, in case you are thinking I just gave up on Blockhead. I just can't think of how to make him and Pinkie interact. It's not funny when the writing devolves into a stupidity contest...