Tom the bomb
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Friendship is Magic
But Hate....
Hate is Power....
*Stares at you with serious eyes,.....
or as serious as one can be while wearing a muffin on your head*
Might want to distinguish this from the rest of the text. Italics, maybe?
Sentences like these in red should still be capitalized. The word in blue should not.
This too.
Stuttering is tricky to put into text, but I usually see it like this:
For example,
Would be like this:
Notice I didn't just stutter the S in 'Stop'. I stuttered the whole first syllable. Why? Because that's how people say the word; in syllables, not letters.
That said, I felt that the stuttering here was excessive, even for a foal in this situation. I'd consider toning that back.
Also, the series of dots that indicate where a sentence trails off (called an ellipsis) should only have 3 periods. I noticed you were using four in some places.
All in all, solid first chapter. Liked the imagery. I might change that last line a bit, though. Maybe swap the ellipsis for a normal period. Describe what happened, what Strong Heart saw and felt. I'm left thinking that he blacked out, so I'd do something like, 'There was no reply. Strong Heart felt himself lose consciousness as the shadow enveloped his vision, and then there was nothing.'
That's everything negative I noticed. Hope this helps!