After a freak accident with magic Fluttershy and Pinkie end up in our world. You find them and maybe even start a relationship with them but, first you gotta help them act human.
3381267 By all means, keep writing your story. It can always be edited even after it's published. If you find an editor soon, that's fine too. I'm just offering when I'm available.
An interesting setting. But it contains some errors in spelling and punctuation. Also, it feels like you could've given the main character a complete character rather than being "you", considering all the characteristics already applied to the person. Interesting story nevertheless, and I'll follow it with gusto
My complaints: Unnecessary 2nd person. This work of fiction could be altered from 2nd person to either 1st or 3rd with no loss of quality (and an expected gain). If you think you should be describing the appearance, personality, or actions of the primary protagonist, don't use 2nd person. It makes it far easier to break suspension of disbelief and (usually) doesn't help anything. Poor grammar. Not the worst I've seen (by a long shot), but still below average.
A little bit weak of a intro and you really shouldn't describe the the 1st person character straight forward, you have to do it subtly. Such as, "You look in the mirror, you wipe dust of your jacket and stare into your own brown eyes. You roll up the sleeves of your jacket and wash your lightly tanned hands." Something like that. But without those flaws it was pretty good so-far.
Seems fine to me
Maybe a missing word or two but I can't wait for next chapter.
And so it begins, hey dude thanks for give me credit there, I really appreciated it
So far like and Fav
You should really go over your writing a few times, words were missing aswell as some punctuation. Other than that it is good so far.
Nice nice, please go on kind sir.
keep up the good work comrade
3378128 I'll be sure to fix the problems
3378682 thanks for warning me of the issues
This just sounds sloppy to me. It almost sounds like you couldn't decide. Instead of this, try;
Or something along those lines. I'll follow this, just to see where it goes.
3380428 thank you I'll try to fix my problems. Right now I'm working on chapter 2
3380453
every story you make is just so good I have to fav it
3380619 thank you for your fav and support.
Good so far, but the lack of proper punctuation is a bit of a turn-off. Maybe you need an editor?
3380675 yes I need an editor but can't find one sorry
3380731
Try here http://www.fimfiction.net/group/97/looking-for-editors
3380877 thank you!
This is interesting. I can't wait to see where it goes....
3380731
If you wait a week, I could volunteer...
(I'm doing One-Shotober, so yeah.)
3381260 really thanks I already finished chapter 2 so that'll come up tomorrow morning but yeah I could wait.
3381267
By all means, keep writing your story. It can always be edited even after it's published. If you find an editor soon, that's fine too. I'm just offering when I'm available.
3381277 alright thanks I hope you enjoy the story thus far as there is much more to come.
An interesting setting. But it contains some errors in spelling and punctuation. Also, it feels like you could've given the main character a complete character rather than being "you", considering all the characteristics already applied to the person.
Interesting story nevertheless, and I'll follow it with gusto
I've been waiting for a story like this, keep it up!
I could volunteer to be your editor
My complaints:
Unnecessary 2nd person. This work of fiction could be altered from 2nd person to either 1st or 3rd with no loss of quality (and an expected gain). If you think you should be describing the appearance, personality, or actions of the primary protagonist, don't use 2nd person. It makes it far easier to break suspension of disbelief and (usually) doesn't help anything.
Poor grammar. Not the worst I've seen (by a long shot), but still below average.
A little bit weak of a intro and you really shouldn't describe the the 1st person character straight forward, you have to do it subtly. Such as, "You look in the mirror, you wipe dust of your jacket and stare into your own brown eyes. You roll up the sleeves of your jacket and wash your lightly tanned hands." Something like that. But without those flaws it was pretty good so-far.
This awesome so cant wait to see what next.
#holyshitneedsedits
#edgynameprotagonist
Hmmmm~ a guy taking two naked unconscious girls back to his place.
this story could of been a lot darker than it is.