My Little Pony: Lernin' 'Bout Frends

by FenDingo

Episode 1: Friendathon 5000 [part 2: now longer and with less suck!]

Two friends! I already have two friends thought Twilight as she and the two friends she mentioned earlier in this run-away sentence were headed out of Apple Ranch and along their way to find Twilight's new home. At the gate to the ranch, Twilight spotted the pile of her possessions in the same way a flood victim spots water: inevitably and with great anger. “Where the hell did the chariot go?” She great-angered [at Spike]. [Who replied] “I'm sure it was a sleigh, for one thing; for another, I sent it away- 'cause you and Applejack vomited on me!”

“I'm sure you just broke continuity at least two times there.” said Twilight, submerging and becoming one with the sea of personal effects.

“I only broke it once. We never had a chariot.” said Spike. Applejack spoke up, “He's right. It was definitely a sleigh. Applebloom ran inside when she saw it; she hid her favourite toy so Santa wouldn't take it away as a sacrifice to Mane-erva- the goddess of wisdom and of making shit figurines out of empty yoghurt-pots instead of just throwing the damn things away like a normal pony.”

Twilight's horn glowed radioactively [and retrospectively] as she caused the bundle of possessions to levitate and form into a giant cube of 12 metres cubed. The cube glowed radioactively.

The inhabitants stared in grotesque fascination as three ponies and a baby dragon sailed their way through Ponyville atop a glowing and dangerous-looking giant cube of books and knick knacks. Twilight had assumed a beanie hat, dark blue raincoat and pipe and was standing at the bow of the cube. Pinkie Pie spoke up in a distant and sleepy tone, “How long till we get there? Do you have any more of that nice candy?” Applejack had resorted to codeine to calm her down after she'd witnessed Twilight doing magic and had literally managed to sing her into post traumatic stress disorder. “Um... I don't think you should have any more of that candy, Pinkie, it's really bad for your stomach. I mean, ulcer bad.” said Applejack.

“But you got to have like five” Pinkie replied.
“I know, dear, and Twilight had six. But you drove us to it.” Applejack slurred. Twilight was slurring something about a great white whale to the citizens of Ponyville, who only looked on in terror and childish wonder. That's when things got cataclysmic. The skies were a pale and sunny blue before a frontier of clouds stormed their way across it [get it? 'stormed'?.. just me?.. ok]. Twilight shouted, “Run, citizens! The cumulonimbi are opening!”. A young filly from the motley crowd shouted back, “Please speak English! If I wanted to learn Latin, I'd have stayed in school!” Twilight leapt backwards as a tightly directed shower of rain battered the cube not 20 centimetres from her front hooves. “Holy, that could'a killed me!” Panted Twilight to Applejack, Pinkie and Spike [all still aboard the cube]. Palely, she looked towards the bow. Luckily, it was mostly intact, but for a word which had been blasted into it. The word, upon closer inspection, was actually very legible; it was two words: 'Rainob Dash'. Twilight looked up to the skies and shouted, “So the legends were true! A message from the whale; the great white whale!”

“You really shouldn't have given her six of those pills.” Spike directed towards Applejack, “The last time I saw her drunk, she was exactly the same; completely derailed the Canterlot Ball.”

In the meantime, the rain had turned to snow and hail, battering the nearby buildings with the word 'Ranebow Dahs'. The villagers ran amok in panic, some taking shelter in the storm bunker under the café. “Run, you cowards!” Offered Twilight; loudly. In the space of two seconds, the clouds evaporated [sorry physics] and the sun shone down with an angry glare, burning 'Raynbo Das' into a nearby field of corn, just visible over the houses from atop the still-glowing cube. All of a sudden, the plasmatic sun-glow abated, leaving a stark silence. The cube faltered and started to disintegrate, Twilight shouting “We're hit! She's going down!”. Her eyelids fluttered and she keeled over, causing the cube's last infrastructures to break and the radioactive glow to cut off. The three friends, and Spike, tumbled ungracefully to the ground, Applejack running over to make sure Twilight was alright. Once she'd ascertained that she was just exhausted from the drugs and the magic, she started pocketing jewellery and silks from the sea of junk.

When Twilight awoke, half an hour later, she was greeted by the sight of three ponies. Spike had been stuffed under her head to act as a pillow. “Where... where am I? I had the strangest dream. You were there, and you and... who the hell are you?” Twilight squinted at the mysterious sickly-blue pony. “I'm Rainbow Dash!” The newcomer boasted, chest puffed out. “R... Rainbow Dash?” Twilight said, coming back round a little, “So that's what that word was. Your spelling's atrocious; I mean, it's your own damn name! Did none of you go to school!?”

“My little Applebloom does!” Applejack replied proudly. “She does the learnin' for all of us!”

“Gah... wha... …no! Why?! What's wrong with all of you?!” Twilight spluttered. The assorted ponies laughed. Rainbow Dash spoke up, non-sequiturially, “I'm the greatest pony in all of Equestria; one day I hope to join the Blue Man Group!”. The assorted ponies laughed again; Twilight was very unhappy with how happy they all seemed to be. Spike continued to pillow. From seeing what this terrifying new potential friend could do, Twilight assumed this Blue Man Group was some sort of terrorist organization and decided not to ask about it. Instead, she once again proffered the Amity Agreement Form, which Rainbow Dash smiled at; emptily. After Applejack quickly explained what it said, Rainbow Dash marked a messy 'x' shape on one of the lines with Twilight signifying her name in brackets next to it. Three down and only two more to go!

The gang quickly found their way to Twilight and Spike's new tree-house. Twilight pushed the re-formed giant cube against the open doorway. It wouldn't go through, so she pushed harder. An explosion was heard coming from within the house as the last few cubic metres crashed inside.

They stood in the doorway looking at the daunting mess Twilight had just committed. “Well,” she piped up, “You'd better hop to it or we'll be here all day!” She started to leave but was cut short by Pinkie Pie, slurring “But I'm too tired. Why do we have to! It's boooring.”

Twilight schemed momentarily. “Just... a.... spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down!” she started singing, the other ponies joining in delightedly. They all started picking up junk while singing louder and louder. After ninety seconds, Twilight sheepishly checked the state of the other ponies before grabbing Spike and bailing. They were halfway across Ponyville before the others even noticed.

They'd found their way to a secluded little patch of trees. Safe! They collapsed under one of the aforementioned trees; it had been a long day so far, and was only about to get longer. A sound... no, a song, starting quietly but getting louder with each passing second, was making its way towards them. Twilight rolled her eyed then noticed that the song- which seemed to be bird-song- was starting to sound like a pretty out of tune rendition of 'Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious'.

A yellow blur crested a nearby hill, followed by a hoard of flapping birds, murdering a classic song from a beloved family movie. When it got closer, Twilight discovered it was a new pony- yellow and with an awfully pastel-coloured pink mane. The pony approached Twilight and Spike. “Err, hi.” Introduced Twilight, “Did you manage to pull the old Mary Poppins on somepony, too?”

“What? No. I'd never do such a thing. I'm teaching these birds to sing for the second coming of Princess Celestia, the Archangle of Light.” The yellow pony replied.

“Don't you mean 'archangel'?” Twilight said.

“Well, her letters are always signed 'angle', so I think that's right.”

An understanding look came across Twilight's face, “Ah, I see. Hold on, 'Archangle of Light'? That's what she's been calling herself? She's mental. I knew she was mental. Spike, are you hearing this? What did I tell ya!?”

“Princess Celestia is never just plain old deluded; she's literally mental. All the time.” Answered Spike, speaking it in a well-rehearsed manner.

“All the time.” Echoed Twilight to the yellow pony. “Please don't respond to any more letters; you can't know how deep the rabbit-hole goes. You're probably already in too far.” She referenced 'Alice's Adventures in Wonderland' by way of 'The Matrix'.

“Oh... I... I didn't know. I'm still going to train these birds to sing; it may be the only way we have right now of appeasing the tyrant Celestia.”

Twilight rolled her eyes and handed the clipboard to this new pony- it was worth a shot. This pony seemed to be a little timid, but at least she wasn't crazy like the other ones. “My name is Twilight Sparkle. As my new best friend, would you be so kind as to sign the lasting covenant of our friendship?”

“M... my name is Fluttershy and... and that... sounds...” She burst out crying. Twilight watched on in horror as the yellow pony collapsed, losing all her shit not a metre from her and Spike. “I'm really sorry Twilight,” Fluttershy started, “It's just... I've never had a true friend before! All the... the... other ponies... they avoid me! They just don't understand me! They don't know what it means to be Otherkin in a mundane world!!” She shouted through the sobs.

Twilight despaired... despore?.. Twilight despore. Her new best friend thought she was born in the body of the wrong species. Not only that, but she was still the most normal of all the new friends she'd made. Twilight curled back up into the fetal position to wait out the storm constantly breaking around her. There was also a real storm. It broke suddenly and heavily, causing Spike to scream like a young girl-filly and Fluttershy to scream like a large and elderly man who'd spent the best part of fifty years behind a pipe. They ran for the nearest house, Amity Agreement Form disintegrating in the heavy rain along the way. Fluttershy shoulder-barged her way through the ornate oak panelling of the door and the three of them spilled out onto a well-tended wooden floor and in front of a silently terrified white pony with well-coiffed mane.

“Holy scrotum, are you two alright?” The white pony asked, sounding genuinely concerned, but still managing to ignore Spike, who lay in a pool of Fluttershy's and the white pony's vomit.

“Yeah, we seem to be ok,” Twilight replied, concussed. The white pony then noticed the baby dragon. “Gah! your gargoyle threw up all over my pristine floorboards!” She shouted, Twilight noticing her affected Transatlantic drawl.

“Spike picked himself up, coughing and looking amorously at the white pony,” Twilight narrated as spike picked himself up, coughing and looking amorously at the white pony. The others didn't seem to hear Twilight's witty fourth-wall-breaker. I did, though. And at least I found it funny, but then again, I did write the thing. Spike was handed a mop and bucket and was commanded to mop-and-bucket up the mess while introductions were made. “My name is Rarity and I'm a Fashion-Bender.” The new pony spoke up.

“My name's Twilight Sparkle.” said Spike, sparking an impromptu lying-about of names to the white pony.

“Well, I'm very pleased to meet you all.” Responded Rarity. Twilight then decided to ask, “So... what's a Fashion-Bender?”

“Oh, you've never heard of one before, Fluttershy? Well, my dear [deeah... you get the ideeah; I'm not writing like this!] a Fashion-Bender is one of a very special group of ponies who are able to perform telekinesis on items of clothing as well as making them materialize and disappear!” said Rarity.

“But... what use is that?” asked Fluttershy, confused.

“Bitch, I'll bend the clothes right offa ya!” Rarity snapped at who she thought was Spike.

“I'm s... sorry, I didn't mean to offend! I was just... legitimately curious. It... came out wrong.” Fluttershy apologised profusely.

“I'm sorry for snapping, I've been working my finger... hooves to the bone, trying to get these dresses ready for the Second Coming! I'm just a little on edge is all.” explained Rarity, almost coming out of character but pulling it back again just in time.

“That's ok, I completely understand.” Fluttershy smiled, “I've been trying to teach a popular children's movie song to an army of off-key avians all morning. It's not easy, especially when you're a majestic wolf in the body of a pony!” The lot of them laughed heartily; Twilight, through the dying giggles saying “I lied about our names.” And wiping the tears from her face.

Author's Note:

Slightly longer one this time. Don't know if it's better or not; Feel free to leave comments, likes and dislikes to indicate this! Any criticism or commendation is appreciated :]

Mary Poppins and associated songs [of which the titles I used for comic effect] belong to Walt Disney Productions and Buena Vista Distribution! Please support the official release! [I'm sure you do, anyway!] :]

Cheers! -FenDingo