*applause*
that, good sir, was one fine piece of fanfiction, especially after the type of fanfiction I just finished reading.... I read some really messed up stuff sometimes......

Anyway, the point is that this was nice after certain not-so-happy-kinda-messed-up fics that I've been reading recently. So that's awesome.

As for the actual story/chapters, wonderfully done. I really like how you tied it all together with the Galla, making sure it was not forgotten throughout the story as a deadline, and a pretty good reason for Twilight to rush the process, even if it endangered herself. I gotta say, the whole "Celestia fails, Dash wins because she's awesome and love is magic" was, while still a tad predictable, and almost a little cliche, a nice touch, and well written. The whole 'sleeping princess' thing was a very nice allusion for you to make at that particular time, and you did so very well without shoving it in our face... at least until the A/N, but I'll forgive that. The epilogue was short, but such things should be. Too long and you risk telling a whole other story or ending on a cliffhanger. Too short and it's pointless. You hit the bulls-eye with this length, making certain things established while not starting any new ideas. An epilogue should be like this; a conclusion. Covering every that had happened while not quoting it word for word.

All in all, a very enjoyable fic. Best of luck in the contest.

no lose ends in the plot the charters acting as they would in the show(if the show handle the more mature content) over all a great read and I look forward to more of your story's thank you for making this

Okay, now make a sequel and title it: Twi and Dash: Royal Closet Adventure.
Nah, I'm just joking. (Dramatic pause) OR AM I? DUN DUN DUN.

This story is amazing. I really hope you make more Twidash stories.

Cabe decir que esta historia me parecio impresionate, casi me deja al borde de las lagrimas XD

Simplemente hermoso XD

gotta admit i cant wait until you do!
Your a great writer and any errors you do make are only very minor and dont get in the way of the story at all ^.^

3351781

Okay, now make a sequel and title it: Twi and Dash: Royal Closet Adventure.

^^ this please

I enjoyed reading this story immensely, the Pinkie Pie randomness at the end, Twilight risking himself for Rainbow's sake (vice versa), Horn sucking sessions, Overall The whole story was very well written & executed.
Oh, and I found this:

This gonna be the best night ever

Isn't there supposed to be is between this & gonna?

3355842 Of course. I'd never start reading something and then stop all of the sudden, I'd have nightmares... Well, maybe not nightmares, but I wouldn't be able to sleep. IT IS MY DUTY TO FINISH ALL FICS THAT I'VE STARTED READING! I AM THE MOST GLORIOUS RANDOM MAN ON THE INTERNET! WHY WOULD YOU EXPECT ANY LESS? (oh and more sweetie because sweetie is sweetie and we all need more sweetie.)

3355842 have not read the one about the nurse out fits but I'm following the human-twi story and I like where they going with it so far. even if the flow is not as smooth as some of the other fics. but that fact anyone has the courage to chance putting a story out there where it will be looked at(and torn to shreds if its not good) takes a lot of courage that Im vary jealous of

3351698

Thank you very much. It's good to hear I could give you an enjoyable time after a "messed up" fanfic. (I had read some of those myself... the stuff people can come up with...)

Yeah, the Gala and ofc RD's version of what should haven there aka "prove herself" like she sung in the Gala "best night ever" song were my glue for the chapters to become one piece.The gala was the goal, RD's lost ability to prove herself aka her wings/pegasus abilities the cause/reason for the fic and Twi's magic horn sucking the in-between tool to get those two things together and provide a romantic and enjoyable story.

This epilogue actually had been a bit tad longer but then I readed through it again and was like "hmmm, why did I write it, I mean, everybody who readed that story know this stuff already, it's just repeated words" and then deleted them. Good to see that my feeling was right. Thanks again for all your comments. And thanks for the good luck wishes. :D T
Though the competion will be pretty heavy there, but I believe this story doesn't have to hide itself from the rest either.

3351750

Thank you for commenting and for pointing out my style to have a mostly character-driven way of telling what happens. I'll might try out some different ways to write fics in the future though that might take some time. Maybe I'll reread some fics which got a different way of telling events than mine and try to copy that, we'll see.

3351781
3352461

You two are pervs! Nah, I like the way you guys think, after all I'm a perv too. XD
Maybe a short oneshot though I'm not sure if it should be mature aka descripted sex in closet or more comedy teen like aka reader gets told everything as if he looks at a door and "hears" what's going on inside (a closet isn't the best way to have sex in when it's a tight and untidy one and when there's no bedclothes laying around and other things). Maybe with an ending on the janitor opening the door and seeing Twi and RD look like this while the Janitor is like "Celestia, that's the third couple today! Why must everypony fuck around in the royal closets whenever a Gran Galloping Gala is happening?". XDDD

Maybe I should steal this title suggestion... As for the "is" between "this" and "gonna", I took Spike's sentence from the episode transcription and I think it was supposed to be more of an amplification made by the MLP writer to show the kids what Spike think will be just to see the next second that his plan literally run away in six different directions. I mean, my editor didn't saw a mistake there, so I assume I wrote that sentence correctly.

Thank you guys for reading and commenting. I hope I'll get to see you in my future fictions as well. :)

3351986

I will, got enough ideas for that, just the time, discipline and motivation are different matters but I'm sure I can work my way around them. ;3

3352375

Sorry I almost made you cry, but gladly for both of us this story ended well. ¡Muchas gracias for your comments, glad to hear you liked my story. :D

3352449

That's good to hear. Thing is tough if I compare myself to some writers here on the board, and especially the Twidash-part of the fandom got some amazing writers, and see stories made by bats, Wizard, TWD then I'm always like "dayuuuuum~" and then I see my own stories and their short-coming and am like "daaaamn~". Not a healthy way of comparison, I know.
Stil, whenever I see the very first story of somebody get like 500+ upvotes and 200+ comments on their first chapter then I can't help but feel a bit jealous, espcially when in your own stories you get in the first five minutes like 3 down-votes but no comment why.
Though this is good too, I guess. Mostly 'cause this way I can build my experiences and connections up and see how people react to certain story elements. Like here the "cliché" one with the sleeping princess kiss. Unlike other people who's high-voted first story either loses quality over time the more chapters, characters and plot elements come in and they lose control of them or even worse gets troll comments and such in their first story because of their popularity. So I believe the slow way to success is the best way for me after all instead of the fast one, especially if I can see easier who likes my fics why or for what he/she hopes to read from me in the future. ^^

Don't worry, one day a 50k+ or 100k+ fic will come. I do have an "epic" fic already in mind and three chapters written of that, but I think I need to do some more experiments as well as write said epic fic out a bit more, before I will sent it to my editors. Maybe after S4 when I get more Lore to include in it.

3352595

Thank you very much! Glad you liked it! ^^

Believe me, I tried. Went through derpibooru, deviantart, google and then through my own folder. But I found nothing though I was sure that I did had seen at least ONE fanart where Dash had purple feathers in her wings for the very reason that Twi had shared her magic with her. Maybe that picture was not in derpibooru but the ponybooru or whatever the predecessor's name had been and was lost in the voids of the Internet like so many other fan arts.
And drawing one myself...eh, there's a picture of me in depribooru which can tell you how good my art skills are, I warn you they're pretty bad. XD

My one and only Pony art (besides a second one later)

Yeah, I better keep writing than drawing, right?

3355842 meh it was a nice change of pace from the well hidden you often miss them hints

3355870

Then you're clearly not me.
I got 505 fics in my "read later" list and 282 chapters waiting to be read right now in my fave list and I can't get any of them down to zero 'cause there's too many new amazing fics coming out everyday plus the time I need to read mangas and comics and watch shows/anime/cartoons/movies and then read some books and study a some for university and then ofc the neccessary human interaction in real life and BAAM! Suddenly from 100 to 500 fics in a couple months and no idea how to trim them down 'cause I wanna read them all!

Hm, moar Sweetie is always good. Had an idea to write a romance fic where Sweetie falls for Twilight and base it on having similar problems in foalhood aka magic casting problems. And ofc with Twi becoming an alicorn despite being bad at casting magic as a little filly (till she saw Celly raise the son that is) so Sweetie will get better at magic due Twi's lectorship. Basically have what the Twilestia-fans love about the Mentor-student relationship turned romantic have here with "princess Twilight" and her "protegée" Sweetie Belle. But that, in my mind, would become a pretty big fic due seeing how this mentor-student relationship came to be in the first place and how it years later turned into a romantic one to end with either the classic "mortal death and immortal lives" chapter or just the "wedding one". And ofc there would be the whole friend drama, parent drama, princess drama, romance drama etc. that would follow a relationship that's so different in upbringings, status and age.
But that's why Twilestia is so liked, so why shouldn't it work between Twi and Sweetie too, right?
I would call the ship Twibelle or Sweetlight or something like that. <3

3355911

It's an enjoyable fic, especially at the beginnings and middle thing but then it drags out a bit too much though it looks lately like it had quicken the pace, so who knows, the kiss might happen there sooner than expected.
Yeah, that's what hold me back too, to upload MLP fics of mine. The fear that people will rip it a new one due my bad english knowledge in grammar and stuff. Thankfully when the movie came out, I sort of had a deadline to meet (day before or when movie comes out) and some inspiration due the two trailers. And even though my fic hasn't been proofreaded at all, I got nice and encouraging comments and even got to talk to some people who offered me their help, which now came very much in handy. Oh, that reminds me! I forgot to thank Oddheart for proofreading the description!
Thanks for the comment, man, else I would have forgotten that for real.

3355821
Pretty sure... I am not even sure if I'd want see in your brain!

Besides, I am writing a story myself on another account and have had my experiences with foreshadowing myself. I know what to look for.

3355944 Well, they are royal closets. I don't think they'd be that cramped... Well, anyway, I'd read it. Well, actually, if I see anything to do with TwiDash, I'm more than likely going to read it, but if you put them in a closet at the GGG.... FUCK YEAH I'M GONNA READ THAT SHIZ.

Awesome fic, beautiful story. Really love it.

3356022

You've got two accounts on fimfic?
Now I'm curious which the other account of yours is, maybe somebody famous who hides his/her face behind a newbie account with no stories and blogs?

3356061

It's in my idea folder and one day, I'll get to it. For sure. The idea of Twi and Dash having sex in a "royal" closet during GGG is too good to pass up.

3358046

Thank you very much! I'm happy you could enjoy this fic so much.

3364339 When that day arrives, I will be there with my army.
(my army consist of just me by the way.) Until next time. Good luck on your endeavor! (and more random sweetie because, well, you know why.)

3364339
No. Just someone who wants to have a neutral face. If I have stories and blogs and join a discussion I get judged, if someone sees what I write. I'd like to prevent that.

The story was a bit more than i bargained for but it sure was worth it. keep up the excellent work!

Changed rating from teen to mature and deleted the entry stuff for the Twidash competition 3.5 out. Horn sucking is too mature after all.

Oh well, just means I already succeed at making a mature story without really knowing it. And here I thought all mature stroies either have gore, real sex or mind rape and stuff in it and horn sucking would be fine as teen stuff.

3401767
I read the first couple of paragraphs in ch1.

Then I opened up "find" (ctrl+f") and searched for "horn" from chapter to chapter til I hit Ch3. In this process I ended up skimming a bit of ch 1 and 2.

I read from that point til the end. So I freely admit I missed some of the setup of the story, but I was able to pretty much work out the gist of what was going on. I plan to reread more fully later.

You seem to be really stuck on your particular view of what is and isn't mature/sex. Try if you can to set that aside for a moment.

You wrote a very detailed scene where on person takes a part of another person into their mouth, sucks on it, and produces erotic pleasure for the both of them. They both end up achieving sexual release from the act. You even use terms like "magical load" and so on. Every single bit of the scene screamed fellatio. It's only really a technicality that it was a horn not a penis.

Furthermore, despite both of them agreeing beforehand that it was simply a medical procedure, and they were just friends, that completely went out the window midway through the act. Even the characters were well aware that it was sex, and treated it as such.

It seems that you're the only one even trying to stick to the whole "it wasn't graphic sex" and then only on a technicality.

Seriously though, could you imagine Dash and Twi sitting outside of Sugarcube Corner on an actual episode of the show with Dash sucking away at Twi's horn, even if no pleasure or orgasms happened, and it retaining even a teen rating? Would you be able to accept it if random passersby ponies didn't give it any more of a look than a friendly kiss in public would?

As for the story itself, it was on the bad side. What I read of the opening chapters seemed a bit on the irrelevant side, the ending seemed awkward. It all felt like cheap dressing intended to get us into the fellatio scene, then awkwardly stick around afterwards to try to convince us that there was more to the story than clop.

It wasn't completely terrible, mind you. Horn-sucking does seem to be a pretty popular inclusion into clop, right along with wing-play/preening. I think your particular take on it, with the spell, made a decent amount of sense. I'm sure anyone who loves drippingly detailed descriptions of fellatio and/or hornplay would consider the scene pretty good. My own personal dislike of some of the more overtly dick-sucking aspects of the imagery are just my own personal bias. I like reading about hornplay, but I don't like reading about fellatio, so there is something of a balancing act to please me.

As far as the romance side of things went, it could be summarized as such: Dash gets injured, Twilight tries to help with a spell. While the spell doesn't go wrong, it has unexpected and pleasurable side effects. And some painful ones. Sharing pleasure makes Twi and Dash grow closer, and ultimately form a relationship. The painful side effects of the spell create some minor problems that Celestia helps with, but ultimately Dash uses the power of love to save the day.

You had several potentially good hooks in there that seemed to get ignored and would have improved the story had they been explored. Rushing the treatment to fit in a week was done for plot and contest reasons, but I think if you were to remove those restrictions and give us a bit longer with the two so they can go through some more ups and downs it would have been a lot better. in particular, I think giving us a few chapters where they try to keep their naughty little secrets, but draw attention to themselves with their affectionate behavior could make for a lot of entertaining scenes.

Also, I think if you're going to make for a story that isn't merely porn without plot, and if you're going to make a longer and more detailed version of the story, you may want to explore a few more sexy scenes.

Most importantly though, build up a bit more to the point where they realize their actual love. While it's somewhat cheap to form a relationship out of sex, it does happen, and it can be related to. The ride from friends to lovers and exploring their budding sexuality once they decide to be honest with each other and themselves about what it is can make for some interesting reading.

"I blew Twi and enjoyed it, so I fell in love with her" seems a bit fast, even for Dash. Basically, treat all the aspects of the story with the level of detail you threw into the horn-job scene, and you can turn this into a much better, more satisfying story.

Lovely ending

maybe possibly sequel plox?

4147841 yeah i know...i have read this

Great story. Hope you eventually write a story that takes place later on. The wedding would be interesting since as a couple Rainbow Dash would believe Twilight and they would both be sent to the caverns. I would also like to know if when Twilight becomes an Alicorn if her feathers would be both her normal color and have some feathers the same as Dash's normal color. And if their sharing magical aura, and love would make Rainbow Dash an Alicorn as well. Just curious as well as hoping for a sequel later in the show. Great story in any case however, keep up the good work.