A Haunted Soul

Derpy is an avrage mare dispite her medical conditions. When she starts having nightmares strange things start happening. Her family and sanity is slowly being ripped apart by paranormal activity. Its up to Derpy and her best friend Time Tuner to keep Dinky and Sparkler safe from the deadly threat being made against them.

Chapters (1)

Comments ( 3 )

Viewing 1 - 50 of 3
- Newest First
- Oldest First

Nazkan

Nazkan #1 · Oct 16th, 2013 · · · The Nightmares ·

Can I be the first to comment? It's been so long I'm not sure if I still can. Let's do it anyway and see what happens.

Have you been working on this for a while? Because I swear I can actually see you improving as I go down the page, which is always a good sign. You've missed a couple of simple things that make it bit harder to read than it should be though.

- The easiest way to explain this is this: Whenever a character has ownership over something, there needs to be an apostrophe at the end of the characters name. E.g. ~~Dinkys head~~ : Dinky's head, the apostrophe shows that you are actually talking about Dinky's head, while the first just looks bad.

- Never underestimate the power of proof-reading. There are several minor spelling mistakes that would shouldn't really have made it past the first reading. 'Poniville, give a tree a lage kick, ect. There are even groups here that will read it for you if you ask nicely enough and give much better advice than I.

- Finally, and this is hard to pin because you keep switching between perfect and amateur, your dialogue. Firstly, all dialogue receives its own line, with one exception. This is the rule, and would really help you out at the end of some of your...exposition dumps, but I'm not here to talk about those. Also, it's not necessary to tell us who's speaking every single time. You seem to understand this when Derpy's talking to Carrot, but then you slip back into it. The reader is smart enough to know who's speaking, and only need small reminders every now and then to stay on track. And again, there are exceptions, but generally you want to keep 'he said, she said,' to a low.

- Oh, and if dialogue ends with an action, such as Dinky storming off, you use a comma instead of a period.

Now, there is more I could say about this, but I've learnt baby steps are better than tackling everything at once.
Overall though, it's always refreshing to see a story where Doctor Whooves isn't Doctor Whooves, so keep up the good work.

Derpyslittlesecret