An old prediction, signed in stained glass windows is found by Twilight Sparkle, who gets to see it unfold before her very eyes. The return of the evil king Sombra is heralded by six shooting stars, and the subsequent arrival of humans in Equestria.
Meanwhile, young Michael, a 23 year old miserable Brony gets into a fatal accident. He awakes in Equestria meeting all of his favorite characters, as a Pony, but it's far from having his dreams come true - as learns what his part is in a sinister plot intended to drive the kingdom into eternal darkness.
Chapters (1)
I pretty much like this. There’s probably room for some slight trimming in order to make the point quicker.
The story seems to have been thought out nicely. I have to admit though, the ending is predictable.
perhaps a little bland and some parts read like a bad Penthouse concoction. It could be much more realistic in that “morning-after” light (like rotten breath, and so forth).
It could use some trimming/condensing here and there, and deletion of the bad adverbs.
Of course it will need some editing.
Some thoughts; hope they help.
Thanks,
ponylover2000
3228652 Thanks
I feel bad for you. You must be a sad person.
Your poor writing skills can reveal so much on your persona. It seems you have been recently dumped by someone you really cared about.
You used applejack (my favorite) and made her sound like a total idiot. She's nothing like that and you just ruined her whole character.
The fact that you wake up to speak with your friends and then get annoyed means you feel bad about MLP. You are embarrassed and they know you are but you make a whole act to make them think that you are not getting angry over small provocations when in fact, you do.
It seems to me that you are weak to express your true feeling in the real world so you put on a show here of what you'd want to have it be like if you had the guts to express your feelings to your... I guess acquaintances? I understand it's a story but it feels fake, as if not from your heart. You need to understand yourself better before thinking about posting this kind of stories (at least that's what I would have done).
Towards the end it seems as if you wish that someone would pity you (because maybe in RL you don't get enough attention?) and you make your character go under some kind of trauma.
And That "Sinkhole" is probably a young way of saying club? or it IS a club maybe...
Those bullies are probably the reflection of your boss or some old enemies from your past or even some people you owe money to. Either way, by the way you handle your character's actions it seems that you are a mess. You live in a mess or probably in a stinky place (not judging of course).
I kinda liked Zeke's persona though. He has the potential to make this story funny and you should use him more if you are to make another story. He's kinky and has what it takes to make a story fun to read.
Eli seems like he has something better to do than being with you according to his answer (maybe his family, his job?). He's WAY more serious and mature about things while Michael just complained at him. it doesn't even FEEL like he is Michael's friend. (Maybe he\she dumped you?). Maybe this is why you started this story to begin with, to fill the hole?
To conclude this, the story is very predictable like ponylover2000 said, and this is because you try to make your chatacters something they are not (ESPECIALLY Applejack!!!).
You should write what your heart feels and not what you think people would like to hear (or pity).
3238556 Thank you for your sincere (and detailed) comment. Are you suggesting i overdid it? I'll try to pick it up next time. I actually was going for a more dishonest kind of atmosphere.