Star Swirl rose with the sun early the next morning. This was half because of her desire to travel to the kingdom of Unicornia, half because she dimly recalled violently throwing up somewhere in Rocky’s house and wanted to leave before her host discovered the mess. Her original plan the night before was to pretend to be uncontrollably inebriated and so guilt trip Rocky into letting her crash on his sofa instead of paying for a hotel room; as it turned out downing half the tavern’s stock of hard cider in one night made the ‘pretence’ part of the plan unnecessary.
Picking her discarded cloak and hat from the battered couch, Star Swirl glanced into the mirror. The eyes of a rather hung-over blue earth pony stared back at her. She rubbed her bleary eyes with her hooves again and started to comb her bedraggled mane into shape. The idea of travelling to Unicornia to pick up her rightful reward had sounded a fine plan last night, but in the harsh light of day, doubts about the sanity of this endeavour were beginning to form.
For a start, she wasn’t a unicorn.
She lifted her fake horn and carefully tied it to her head, staring at it in the mirror for a good minute. It didn’t look particularly convincing in the daylight, though the hat would help to cover that up. Besides, it wasn’t as if unicorns inspected each other’s horns. She froze. Did unicorns inspect each other’s horns? Like most earth ponies she tended to stay out of the way of the unicorns where possible, all she had to go by were the stories ponies told. Unicorns, living in their palaces, their every whims taken care of by magic and sneering down on the earth ponies with a sense of self-righteous superiority.
Technically all the pony races in the three kingdoms lived in a symbiotic harmony – the unicorns raised the sun, the pegasi controlled the weather, and the earth ponies provided gifts of food. This had never seemed particularly fair to Star Swirl – it didn’t sound like raising the sun was particularly hard, and the unicorns needed light as much as anypony else, the same with the weather. Why did the earth ponies have to send the other races payments just for doing their jobs? Most of Star Swirl’s business was strictly under the counter, so she escaped having to pay a percentage of her income to the unicorns and pegasi. She justified it to herself as her own tiny rebellion against the system, but deep down knew she would probably be avoiding paying taxes no matter the benefactor.
Most earth ponies felt this way, though of course most of them actually had to make payments to the unicorns. She remembered how a few years ago Chancellor Mudhooves had decided to try to call the unicorn’s bluff, and ordered that no earth pony was to give another cartload of anything to the unicorns. The unicorns responded by keeping the sun down, plunging the land into darkness. In that dark the earth ponies found their plants withering and dying, yet there were reports that the unicorns had harnessed an artificial, magical light in their kingdom and so were unconcerned by the loss of the sun. They also had stockpiled plenty of supplies from the earth ponies. Finally the sun had been restored, with the unicorns demanding an even higher yearly tithe from the earth ponies, reminding them that while all ponies were equal, some were more equal than others.
Oddly enough, this actually made Chancellor Mudhooves more popular than before; any bitter resentment the ponies had was focussed completely on the greedy unicorns, with Mudhooves seen as a valiant leader fighting tyranny. Star Swirl had capitalised on this by hiring a printing press and churning out several thousand rather low quality framed portraits of Mudhooves which sold like hotcakes. She even had one herself, albeit hung in her toilet rather than above the mantelpiece.
Star Swirl was finally happy with the position of her horn, and strapped the beard to her chin. It was a big white fluffy beard which helped to disguise her feminine features, though again, she wasn’t sure if it would pass muster if inspected closely. Then again, she never recalled inspecting any pony’s beard closely. Perhaps lots of ponies wore false beards without the world at large knowing. Maybe all beards were false?
Pushing that rather crazy idea out of her mind, she fastened her cloak around her neck and placed her wizards hat on her head at a jaunty angle. She gave a smirk into the mirror. As an ensemble it actually looked rather good, if a bit tattered. Each of the yellow stars that adorned her robes had been hoof-stitched by herself years ago. She had gone as a unicorn wizard to a friend’s fancy dress party. In a fit of drunken overconfidence she decided to walk home in the dark rather than sleep on the floor in safety, and had been confronted by a mugger. On seeing that he had tried to mug what appeared to be a powerful unicorn wizard, the perpetrator had immediately begged for forgiveness and ran away as fast as his hooves could carry him. From then on, Star Swirl had taken to travelling as a unicorn on long and dangerous journeys, for the added safety such stature brought.
“Shazam!” she shouted at the mirror, attempting to cut a bold figure. “Abracadabra! Allon-sy!” The unicorn wizard in the mirror shouted back at her. It did look good. That nagging doubt remained though – would this disguise stand up to the scrutiny of actual unicorns in the daylight?
“Oh look, its Star Swirl the Sleepyhead!”
Star Swirl turned with a guilty squeak at the voice. Rocky was standing in the doorway, a grin on his face. How long had he been watching her pose in the mirror? “Oh, Rocky!” she chirped, pulling down her beard as if it was necessary to indicate that it was still her under the disguise. “Didn’t think you’d be up so early!”
“I was up hours ago!” Rocky retorted, trotting into the sitting room and staring at the couch, as if expecting to find some sort of horrendous damage there. “If I’ve gotta pay for the sun, I might as well get the best value out of the day!” He moved closer to peer at Star Swirl. “Now, you sure you’re going to go through with this, you crazy mare? Could be dangerous, and you still look a little the worse for wear.” His face creased in suspicion as he examined underneath his coffee table. “And I’m sure I heard some retching last night…”
“A-ha ha ha!” Star Swirl nervously grinned, fiddling with the clasp of her cloak. “No no, that was just… a cart backfiring, I’m certain. I’m fit as a fiddle me, raring to go!” She puffed her chest out and straightened her hat. “Star Swirl the Bearded, greatest unicorn of them all, will get his gold! She who dares wins!”
“Fine, just don’t come crying to me when it all goes pear shaped,” Rocky grumbled, ignoring Star Swirl’s display. His frown suddenly perked up. “Hey, that reminds me, I’ve got some fresh pears left in my ice box, you want one?” At Star Swirl’s eager nod, he trotted out of the room towards the kitchen.
Suddenly and terribly, Star Swirl remembered just where she’d thrown up the night before. It was time to leave. Quickly.
***
The road to Unicornia was long, and one that Star Swirl was unfamiliar with. She had spent most of the day navigating the winding paths that led away from Saddleworth towards the unicorn’s heartland in the High Peaks, her wagon precariously piled high with all manner of goods, including a large box of odd socks that she had collected from Ma Honeybee’s before an enraged Rocky could catch up with her and exact revenge for his poor ice box. She was sure he would have forgotten about it the next time she was in town. That or she would just deny everything; blame it on a burglar or ghost or something.
As mile by mile passed and she got closer to her destination, the roads turned from earth tracks to more carefully maintained cobbled paths. Many smaller roads soon merged into one large highway which formed the backbone of the region’s trading route to Unicornia, and soon she saw many other travellers trotting alongside her. Most were earth pony traders, carrying their own cartloads of goods for sale or payment of tithes to the unicorns. None of the earth ponies turned to look at her with anything but a scowl. That was probably a good sign.
From time to time a carriage would race along the road, presumably carrying an important unicorn or earth pony dignitary on official duty. It was only when the journey became steeper as the road began to tackle the beginnings of the mountainous slopes that she met her first unicorn face to face in the daytime.
It was a pink stallion trotting along at some pace, whistling a jaunty tune as he passed Star Swirl and her cart. It was now or never, Star Swirl thought. Time to test out her disguise. “Hi!” She waved a hoof at the passing unicorn, giving a wide, cheesy grin half obscured by her beard. Her mind suddenly struggled to think of what unicorns might actually talk about. “Uh, magical day isn’t it, fellow unicorn!”
“Hmm, what?” The unicorn paused slightly as he turned to see Star Swirl as if for the first time. “Yes, I… I guess it is.” Quizzically raising his eyebrows, he turned his head and trotted off.
The only thing Star Swirl could hear though, was the pounding of her heart in her chest. It had worked – she hadn’t been ousted as a fake unicorn! Her old confidence returned, and it was with a renewed vigour that she started heaving her heavy cart up the sloping mountain road.
***
The air was thinner as Star Swirl continued her journey upwards, now surrounded by ponies of all shapes and sizes making their way to Unicornia. In the dim distance, the first ramparts of the massive capital city of the unicorns could be seen, spires jutting tall and proud against the peaks of the mountains. It was a far cry from the simple earth pony dwellings that she was used to. The scale of the city would have taken her breath away, if the sharp mountain air hadn’t done that already.
It took a while for her to notice, but at some point the road had become split. There was a thick dividing line painted down the middle. On the left trotted the unicorns, making their way back home from whatever business they had in the valleys below, and on the right were the earth ponies, straining to pull their goods up the slopes. The division seemed to make a kind of sense to Star Swirl; it would make it easier for any checks to be made at the gates, though the earth pony side of the road did seem slightly less well maintained.
Star Swirl did her best to ignore her fellow earth ponies as they struggled up the path laden with gifts for the unicorns. Her own cart creaked in sympathy, though the better quality cobblestone eased the strain on her wheels somewhat. Dimly she noticed one earth pony totter and collapse from exhaustion. She didn’t stop to help – none of the other unicorns did – to do so would be unseemly and draw unnecessary attention to herself. She doubled her resolve and refocused her mind on the gold that would be waiting for her. With a gold sovereign or two she could then travel to Coltchester and buy all the lemon grass there – she could double her gold in a few days!
It was because she was concentrating so hard on her impending good fortune that she failed to spot the guards until she almost walked into them.
There were two armoured unicorns blocking the road directly in front of her, manning a stand in a large checkpoint zone before the main gates. Star Swirl stumbled to a stop, almost tripping in an attempt to stall her momentum and not crash headfirst into them. They looked at her expectantly.
“Uh…” she looked between them in slight confusion, getting only stern, humourless stares in response. Was this some sort of horn check? Did they inspect every unicorn on the road to make sure they weren’t an earth pony attempting to sneak in as a unicorn?
“Papers!” The slightly taller guard snapped, her lavender coat bristling slightly in annoyance at Star Swirl’s lack of efficiency. “Come on, we don’t have all day!”
Star Swirl froze like a rabbit in front of a cart. She hadn’t even considered that she might have needed any identification to enter Unicornia. To her right, she could see the checkpoint extending across the road, other guards examining the papers of her fellow unicorn travellers, and stamping visas for the earth pony merchants. The familiar icy pang of panic started to rise in her chest – would they just send her away or put her in jail or worse? Given the amount of guards on duty, bribery wasn’t an option. Perhaps she could say she had lost her papers and turn back…
A sense of determination slapped away the fear. Beyond the guard post, there was gold just waiting for her, she couldn’t let this stand in her way. It was now or never.
Rearing up to her full height, she pushed her face straight into the guards, and with as much anger and malice in her face as she could muster, bellowed: “Don’t you know who I am?”
The guard seemed quite taken aback at this, turning to her colleague who shrugged. “W-well, no sir, that’s why I asked for papers!” she stuttered, shuffling backwards from Star Swirl slightly.
Star Swirl pushed the offensive, casting her head about in mock fury, and rolling her eyes towards the unicorns at the other check points. “Ridiculous!” she scoffed. “I’m Star Swirl the Bearded! Anypony can see that!”
The guard continued to stare blankly, and then a look of recognition dawned over her face. “Oh, you’re Star Swirl!” she exclaimed, waving to her fellow guards. “Hey look, its Star Swirl the Bearded!”
With a confused grin, Star Swirl gave a small wave of the hoof at the other guards, who started to leave their posts to shuffle towards her. Were they mocking her? Was this some sort of trick? “Yes… Yes, I am!” she replied, playing along for the moment. “Inventor of the amniomorphic spell, defeater of the Antwerp dragon, vanquisher of the plague-ghosts of Krull!”
A second, smaller guard suddenly grabbed her by the hoof and vigorously pumped it up and down. “It’s a pleasure to meet you!” he exclaimed, grinning widely. “Redcurrent told us all about how she summoned you last night with her psychic powers! She was quite chuffed to learn she had psychic powers, let me tell you!”
A rather lanky grey unicorn guard pushed forwards. “It must have been amazing!” he exclaimed. “She told us how you killed thirty goat bandits in ten seconds with the power of your mind!” A reddish tinge spread across his cheeks. “C-can I have your autograph?”
A fourth guard started hopping up and down. “Can you teach us how to use mind daggers?”
Star Swirl’s mouth flapped open and closed as she struggled to think of a response. Nothing came out. Several pairs of eyes stared at her expectantly. She cleared her throat. “Well ah, the secret of the mind daggers takes many years of difficult study to master.” The guard’s face crumpled in disappointment. “But I’m happy to sign some autographs if you can find me a pen and paper.”
At this there was a sudden flurry of activity as one of the guards dived into the checkpoint to find some spare writing apparatus. “And I’ll only charge three bits per autograph!” Star Swirl called after him quickly, almost as an afterthought.
After a bit of confusion the guards seemed happy with this arrangement, and Star Swirl, pen gripped tightly in her mouth, soon found herself with a line forming in front of her. A table had been dragged out from a roadside hut and a cushion located for her to comfortably sit on while she carried out her business. With the guards deserting the checkpoints to cluster around her, the ponies waiting at the checkpoint had joined her queue, eager to see what all the fuss was about.
“For my son!” the tall lavender guard pushed a blank slip of paper under Star Swirl’s nose and placed down the requisite three bits. “He’s… ah… he’s also called Twinkleberry. Like me. It’s a family thing.”
Star Swirl signed the paper with a swish, and thoughtfully sucked on the end of the pen as she considered the rather happy unicorn guards, and all the unicorn travellers queuing up to see who they believed must be a celebrity. “Say…” she stood up, wandering over to her cart which was resting by the roadside. “All your horns look rather cold…”
Half an hour later, Star Swirl was trotting away from the check point, her moneybag slightly heavier, and her cart slightly lighter. Before her lay open the massive wooden gates which led to the kingdom of Unicornia. And beside her trotted several dozen unicorns, each happily wearing a sock on their horn.
It was going to be a good day.
Best. Con Artist. Evar.
Star Swirl the bearded would never use telekinesis to sign autographs, of course. Such a vulgar display of power that would be!
Animal Farm reference is best reference.
Star Swirl is best con artist.
Animal Farm reference? Check. Doctor Who reference? Check. Epic con artist-ness, coupled with a brief stint of your typical WTFery? Check.
This is hilarious.
Now I want a signed horn warmer for my horn... oh wait, I don't even have a horn!
Saw this fic on EQD, and I've got to say, color me impressed!
When I first started reading, there was just something about your writing style that struck me as strange, but I couldn't quite figure it out. But though I thought it strange, I loved it! And then I figured it out! Your writing style - it's that perfect balance between sparse and descriptive. It only struck me as weird because I knew I was reading a fanfiction, but it felt like I was reading a published work. ^^ That's how smooth this story reads! There's just a certain flow that I always look for in stories, and that, quite frankly, I've come not to expect in fanfictions. And you've most definitely got it!
Haha, well, enough about your writing style (which is fantastic). ^^; On to the plot! I'm really enjoying your characterizations, and the very first sentence of the very first chapter was a brilliant hook. When I read on and saw some Clover, I was even more interested (Twi's my favorite pony, and since she played Clover, well, of course I love that character as well)! Then you went on to the first "real" chapter and introduced Star Swirl and (we're back to the writing style again ^^; ) pulled off the ambiguity needed to write a hidden-gender-character with ease!
Greatly loving the roguish feel you've given to Star Swirl, and your world-building of the pre-Equestrian land. Already you've given a great feel to this past setting, with the obvious class distinctions between unicorns and Earth ponies (and, briefly mentioned, pegasi) and the hillside bandits and such really give a feel to the more medieval setting of the world, as well as the chaos and disorder (not Discord's kind) that comes without a stable kingdom and a steady ruler.
You've hooked me. I absolutely can't wait for more updates!
Paint me green and call me envy, this is great stuff. Star Swirl as the greatest con artiste ever is simply brilliant. I loved the beginning and implication that Clover learned the truth. The setting and world building is equally excellent. The divided caste system is wonderfully done with the resentment of the earth ponies and hauty arrogance of the unicorns. Looking forward to reading more about Star Swirl's adventures and how she takes Clover on as an apprentice. I wonder what Twilight would do if she found out the truth...
300886 ok Envy. this was a good story. Give me more Blueshift
I can sense this story becoming a big hit. Can't wait to see more!
286131 I was thinking exactly that
"When you're as deeply involved in the studies of Magic as I am, it is a relief to perform more mundane tasks like writing without it!"
Well, blueshift, colour me impressed. This story is tracked :)
Ah, mind daggers. Don't we all wish we could use them?
Great story. Looking forward to seeing how Swirly does among the pointies.
I don't suppose we know much about Pre-Diarchial Equestria. Where are the Princesses during all this? That's the bit about the Hearth's Warming play I didn't get. Supposedly immortal Alicorns, who weren't doing their jobs back at that time? Perhaps they had not yet descended from the Eternal Herd? (Or some such - there are as many theories about the Princess' origin as there are fanfics about it.)
And didn't Starswirl just accidentally her fireworks? How will she impress those ever-so-magickal unicorns? Unless, they're not really that magickal...?
Unicorns arnt that smart here, are they?
309399
Maybe.
u know, i feel silly for expecting this to be a serious account of starswirl's life. i shant expect such things from you again, blueshift. you never fail to appoint.
Okay, yes, this story is definitely a story I'm going to enjoy. Your writing captures the hilarity of the situation very well.
Have you perchance read the book "The Name Of The Wind"?