Fluttershy glanced around the interior of her cottage she was feeling rather off ever since that nasty timber wolf had gotten ahold of her. she smiled as her animal friends greeted her. she was about to begin her nightly routine of feeding the animals when, she remembered what the doctor had said about her hoof. she frowned. she really did need to feed her animals and, her friends were all going to do their part in the coming weeks so, she sighed and, motioned for angel to come forward the bunny came forward with his characteristic frown of discontent.
"Angel could you help mama with the chores tonight mama hurt her hoof while she was out and needs to stay off it all she can to help it heal."
Angel of course grimaced at the idea but, glancing at the hoof it looked quite nasty so, he gave little argument and, shook his head begrudgingly.
"oh thank you so much angel! Let's get started- if thats ok with you of course."
The small bunny shook his head vigorously. Angel never really did care for Fluttershy's pushover nature but, he loved her none the less and, therefore did mostly everything.He let Fluttershy do the bare minimum, just enough to let her think she was doing her job but no more. Afterwards she drew herself a warm bath and soaked for a hour or 2 reading a bad romance novel but, even this proved too much she had trouble focusing on any one word and kept seeing things jump at the very edge of her vision. She finally came to the conclusion that she needed some sleep 'The Mating Game' could wait for tomorrow. She got up shakily and got up out of the tub letting the water drain, as she walked down the hall things began to cast odd shadows but before she could be bothered too much sleepiness took over. She clicked off the lamp letting the darkness roll in. She descended into a peaceful sleep and into a strange dream she was in a pure white expanse. there was endless white in all directions it was hard to look at without squinting eventually, the timid pegasus began to trot forward zeroing in on the only differing thing in the desert of conscience. There was a strange sapling planted ,it was a tree sapling, but, it was rather odd looking each leaf was blackened burnt and, the tree itself looked blistered by fire although it emanated no heat but, when her light breath fell upon it sparks flew out like it had recently been aflame.
She nervously poked at it and soothing voice could be heard.
"Hello there young one who are you"
"I- m- my names Fluttershy. who are you- if you don't mind me asking what's your name?"
"I'm a lonely spirit some call me rabby I have no friend's or family i'm so lonely do you ever get lonely fluttershy"
"sometimes..."
"Then maybe we could keep each other company would you like to be friends miss Fluttershy."
the pegasus felt at ease around the voice and, she smiled.
"I think that i'd like that very much Mr Rabby."
"Thank you very much you are a very kind young mare but it is now time to awaken my dear but don't despair you can always hear me should I have something to say..."
"Oh ok goodbye Mr Rabby!"
Hmm...I see this taking a darker turn then expected. If you ask me, I think "Rabby" is kind of a strange name but oh well it's your story. Please, continue.
Alright, you have piqued my interest here. I find the concept of your fiction interesting, and I mean that in a good way; I don't believe I've seen any stories on fimfiction going on the subject of one of the characters getting rabies before. So cheers to you there.
Despite that you have an interesting topic for your fiction, what's lacking is the way it's presented. I'm not saying that it's lacking in plot or that you should rewrite the plot , it's that what is written down could use some work on the practical side; this mainly being spacing and punctuation.
First let's encroach upon the topic of spacing, as it is a relatively simple one; to prevent your story from appearing mushed together, add a line of spacing between each break in words, like between paragraphs and in conversations; it's merely a visual aspect, but it makes the story easier to read.
Secondly, about punctuation; it's only an occasional mistake I've noticed within your fic, but sometimes you leave off punctuation marks at the end of sentences; which is a mistake easily remedied. Your sentences are also lacking in use of punctuation, creating long strings of words that meld together. You can fix this by adding period marks and semicolons. I would refrain from using comma marks, as you already have a plethora of them within the long paragraphs (I recommend switching those out with other punctuation marks or just removing them entirely).
Aside from these two errors, you have an interesting story in your hands. I can't wait to see more!
3342150 I appreciate your feedback very much! I am aware of my deplorable punctuation this is my first attempt at writing a published fic. you'll have to bear with me but, I can assure you that these mistakes can and will be addressed in due time. I hope that in concurrent updates you will continue to enjoy as the plot unfolds.
Oh wow. Rabies caused by a spirit. Nice touch.
USE A PARAGRAPH!!!!!