Prologue - Destiny of the Chosen Star
It was twilight time throughout Equestria, Luna's moon watched overhead as the denizins who dwell below slumber in her protective light. The quaint little town named Ponyville was no other, as it's residents slept peacefully. All but one, in the center of the town stood a tree that serves as the town's library and home of a certain indigo unicorn whom seem to have a restless slumber. She twist and turn to no avail then she suddenly sat up panting. She peered out the window looking into the night sky, she sighed "It's just a dream." she said to herself but she felt it was something else. The unicorn slowly and quietly remove herself from her bed. Shaking her sleepiness off, =No sense in going back to sleep.= she thought =That dream, it felt so real.= she looked out into the night sky, gazing at the stars, remembering her dream well.
She dreamnt of awakening on top of a small grassy hilltop under the shade of a tree, the wind blew causing her to shiver and the leaves and grass to sway. She looked up into the starry skies, noting one particular star shone brighter than the rest then she heard a voice, a soothing voice. It call out to her, she stared at the bright star; knowing it was the one speaking to her. "Don't be afraid young one, we call for you" It stated "What we will say is important child, so listen well." It continued. "We have chosen you, you are the key. Chaos will befall your land but you are the key to save all. But you cannot do it alone." As it spoke these words, more stars starting to shine brighter. If she can count the bright stars including the one which is speaking to her, she could count to 108. The star that spoke to her glow brighter then it's shine changed into dark purple matching her coat and mane. "Go forth, don't be afraid. You are strong, go forth young destined star. The chosen stars await, the path of the runes will unveil. Go forth and gather their strenght. Only you can unite the destined stars and the true runes." Five other stars surronding that star shone in a different colors, she thought why they look familar to her. Orange, blue, pink, yellow and bright silver. Before she could do anything the stars glow brightly almost blinding her and then she woke up.
='The chosen stars await, the path of the runes will unveil. Go forth and gather their strenght. Only you can unite the destined stars and the true runes.' I wonder what they mean..= She thought as she softly head towards the mirror to looked at her reflection, what stared back was her. A lavender unicorn and indigo mane with a dark purple streak. The resident librian, prized personal student of Princess Celestia, and the savior of Ponyville. None other than Twilight Sparkle.
I was not expecting a story based on the 108 Destined Warriors. You get points for awesome just for knowing Suikoden and the legends it's built on. My most favorite of rpgs of all time.
Despite that, a lot of awkward sentences, like, how you described the 'town as no other,' which reads like "because it's residents sleep well, except for that one certain indigo unicorn." Which runs on to say she's tossing and turning with no real pacing. Then she's awake and panting.
Got to break those up a bit more. The story idea itself seems fine, but it doesn't read in a way others can really enjoy to its fullest. And using equal signs = in place of smart quotes, which are optional as most can tell italicized words tend to mean inner thoughts and not outright spoken dialogue, unless surrounded by quotation marks.
The line breaking a scene which is used to seperate two points of views or denote a scene transition is used by typing the letters HR in brackets [ ] which look like [hr] so hope you find it useful. No idea why it doesn't have its own button after all this time honestly.
But the good thing is the story is nice. But there is a lot of stuff I don't have time to point out like not properly ending your narratives with a period before a dialogue scene. The story requires a crossover tag. That much is mandatory. Also, if you're a fan of the games, it's always a plus to give it's obscureness some much needed love in a shoutout in the description. Not required by any means. That's what author notes are for. Use those Author notes wisely. Sadly it seems Knighty shutoff the ability to embed videos but links are still good.
It's fun. I like it. And Act 3 was most enjoyable. But it's in need of a good proofreader. Someone who can work with you would be nice who can explain things at your level and help you to understand why something is wrong and most importantly WHY that matters.
But, it's far from being terribly written. I've seen far worst. So don't think it's hopeless. Just needs more pacing.