Twilight grows tired of not understanding Pinkie's random abilities and hypnotizes her to get a better look inside that crazy pink noggin. However, Twilight never expected to find another pony sleeping in Pinkie's brain, especially not one that claims to have lived when Discord ruled. Will she find an explanation for Pinkie's antics in this story of the ancient past?
Authors Note: This is my first attempt at writing so criticism is appreciated.
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Interesting
Very interesting beginning. You might want to revise the prologue, as it seems to lack the pacing of this chapter (this chapters pacing being about right). I look forward to future chapters :)
On a conspiratorial note, not wanting Celestia to know she's alive is an absolutely excellent plot point. Make sure to tease the hell out of us with it before the reveal :D
Caution readers! This fanfic train is nearing 200 miles an hour
!
Joke aside, you really shouldn't be rushing this so much! Can't you ease into each part alittle more gently and slowly?
Thanks for the advice Bridgebrain and RedvsBlue327.
Sounds like I need to pace my writing better. I'll definitely keep that in mind.
More! That's beautiful :D
Oh, this looks quite intriguing. Question, though: Are the blanks intentional, or have you just not thought of names? In either case, I look forward to more.
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The blanks are intentional though it will be quite some time before I reveal why.
Well here's chapter two. I tried to slow down a bit while keeping it exciting. Please let me know what you think.
Perfect pacing. Slow, but not tedious. Very interesting character, Daredevil almost, but with his own sense of self. I also like our new cryptic tree. Speaking in riddles always entertains me
There was a small typo somewhere, but I seem to have lost it. I'll keep looking. If you see it before I do, its in the first 8th horizontally. (Don't ask me why I remember pages like that lol) [|][][][][][][][]
Seems this is what I was thinking of:
Less afraid the Watchwing should be "that"
I also found "spiraled up like a straightened" slightly off. I know where you were going with it, but its a logical contradiction.
Next, comma before so in "actually worked so Twilight"
Lastly, it seems to me that this would extend past one page, so how the pen would replace the page should be mentioned. Its not really an issue, but those of us who think too much will get a moment of fridge logic.
Keep up the excellent work, I really do enjoy your writing style :)
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Thank you for your kind words and for catching those typos. I really appreciate both.
A genius loci. Or possibly an Ent. Very cool.
Things are progressing at a most enjoyable clip. I look forward to more.
Wow that chapter took a while. I blame finals. Hopefully future chapters will be out quicker. Also if anyone happens to know a word that means an object that causes amnesia I would be eternally gratefully if you shared it. As always please point out any mistakes, problems, or generally confusing aspects of the story.
Thanks for reading and I hope you enjoyed it.
An amnesic object? Ha, I don't know. I really do love this story though, keep it up.
A bit shorter chapter this time. Truth be told I wanted this to be part of the previous chapter but it was getting too long for me to feel comfortable dealing with. Also there was quite a bit of important dialogue this chapter and didn't want to give it anything less than my full attention. Next chapter things should get more exciting and I'll get to introduce some characters I've been really looking forward to.
As always please point out mistakes or leave constructive criticism .
Thanks for reading.
Very interesting indeed :D Got to love Spike. "Yeah, I know you're up to something. Thing is, I don't care" ^_^ A very intriguing plot twist with the Elements. It makes sense really, anything affecting the holder would trigger a chain reaction. Its something you just don't think about however, which makes your use of it all the more epic
One quick thing, either her healing factor is off the charts, or it took more than a week to repair her shattered wing. I think you mentioned it being a month in the last chapter. Here you say they've only known each other a week though.
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I think the timescale of a week works better for the rest of the story. As for her injured wing, I envisioned it as a bad cut rather than a complete shatter. I'll probably have to go back and fix that or make it clearer but I want to get a few more chapters out before I embark on a major editing quest.
413795 Ah, no problem :) I know how daunting the monster of editing is, especially if you have a touch of OCD like I do. I still can't "clean up" my beard without shaving the entire thing piece by piece trying to even it up
That letter is suspicious *duhduhduh*
My love for Pinkie Pie knows no bounds, and this story is only further proving who is best pony!
When I saw this update pop into my inbox, I got so excited I read it all during my lunch break at work - excellent piece of the puzzle.
I very much enjoyed the description of Zephyr and her uncommon healing practices!
Back to work. Sigh!
That was a beautiful description of healing musics. I've heard the concept of magical music and song spouted many a time, but that was particuarly exquisitely written
Let's see, 5000 words in the last 12 days, 5000 +editing over the weekend, yeah that seems balanced.
There are a couple of places where the characters use anyone instead of anypony when they are talking about the guards. I figured that if they had grown up around guards they would have gotten into the habit of using anyone when talking about guards and anypony when talking about other ponies. If I used anyone outside of that context please do correct me. Also I'm sure there are some typos since I literally did half of this over this past weekend so please point them out as well.
Other than that, thanks for reading and enjoy!
I really enjoy this one
I liked how the captin is trying to capture Pinkie, Blinkiy, and now Zephy but also making sure that no one else but her captures them.
“Let’s do this!”
LEEEEEEROOOOOOOYYYY JENNNNNKINNNNSSSS
Raid Successful: A Mage has Joined your Party. A Healer has Joined your Party. 400xp, 40 renegade points, 10 Paragon. Watchwing has learned "Lip Read" Enemy is now elevated to HIGH ALERT.
Great chapter!
PINKIE IS AN ALICORN?
i wish Captain would have stayed with them
i think she's found the element of generosity (that is once the elements appear)
That.... was great.
This got heavy quickly.
Okay, now how is she going to react when she wakes up?