Aura awoke, feeling completely weightless. As she slowly opened her eyes, her vision took its time focusing on her surroundings. There seemed to be a shimmery, multi-hued blur around her. For a moment, Aura thought she might be somewhere back in the crystal mountain again. She finished opening her eyes and willed her vision to return.
She soon wished that she hadn’t.
With a scream, Aura realised that she was indeed floating. The area all around her was a sparkling, misty blur. It was impossible to tell where her hooves should touch any type of “solid” ground. Reassessing her situation, Aura realised that she was not in any immediate danger. Her panic subsiding, Aura took a deep breath and lowered her hooves, testing whether or not she would still float.
As if by her will alone, her hooves touched solidity. Tentatively, Aura placed her weight on her hooves, testing the new “floor” she’d created. As she did so, the feeling of weightlessness left her body and she stumbled in surprise. Glancing around, she saw nothing but ethereal mist.
“Where am I?” she cried, to nopony in particular. Silence responded, the only way it knew how. With another deep breath, Aura slowly placed one hoof in front of the other, seeking any sort of landmark. It was the most curious feeling, walking towards nothing, along an invisible floor, in this plane that seemed outside of existence.
“Am I dead?” she asked the silence. But wait, I can’t be. I’m still here, I can still think, still feel… what’s going on?
Suddenly, the mist shimmered all around her. Colours raced past her, blurring together to create many different shades of light and density. The colours swirled around, captivating Aura with their beauty. At first, they blended together, completely at random, forming a blob of an incomprehensible, chaotic palette. Then they started to rearrange each other, not only into a more realistic shape, but into separate colours too.
Some kind of life form began to materialise into being, before her eyes. Strange, how so many colours mix together to form one that looks like it has none at all. The mass of colours had combined to form a body of purest white. The shapes and shades continued to swirl around sections of the mysterious body, eventually settling on an auburn, rusty-red. These parts converged on specific sections of the body, giving it what appeared to be a short-cropped mane and lengthy tail.
Finally, the mass reformed into its true shape: the body of a tall red-and-white alicorn. As Aura stared, unable to look anywhere else, it slowly lifted its head. A pair of terrifyingly blue eyes gazed into Aura’s, stealing away all other thoughts.
The alicorn smiled.
Hello, Crystal Princess Aura. We meet at last.
* * * * *
"Everypony, remain calm!" Celestia bellowed. The citizens of Unitopia had descended into chaos at the apparent vaporisation of their princess. Everypony either screamed, paced on the spot, galloped in circles or mobbed the alicorns.
“Murderers!”
“They killed Princess Aura!”
“Put them to death!”
“Where’s the princess? What’s going on?” As the sisters found themselves surrounded by angry, frightened unicorns, they backed away. Luna activated a mental link.
What do we do, Celestia? Everypony thinks we killed Aura!
I do not know, Luna. We cannot exactly fight back, and they will not listen to us.
But for all we know, the Elements did kill Aura! You saw what I saw, it was our beams that made her vanish.
I know... I refuse to believe that the Elements would have killed her.
What then?
Thwack!
A discarded horseshoe connected with Celestia’s horn, startling her. The blow wasn’t painful, but the implications of the reasoning behind it were immediately obvious. The rest of the crowd joined in, pelting the sisters with iron. Celestia and Luna did their best to catch all of them in their magic, but a few still struck home.
Fighting back tears, Celestia cried, "We did not kill your princess! We are unsure what happened, but we know she is not dead!"
"Listen to us, please, ponies! Why would be do something malicious against you? We saved you, just hours ago!" Luna added.
As the sisters’ reasonings fell on deaf ears, a magical, dome-shaped, purple shield was conjured around them. Horseshoes, tomatoes and more clanged and splattered themselves upon the barrier. Confused, Luna looked to her left. King Levitatus had conjured the shield. His grey horn glowed brightly among the cacophony of other multi-coloured horns in the square.
"You will cease your assault on my sisters, this instant! Or you will all be granted a greater punishment than the changelings have been!"
At the words of their king, the hysterical citizens deactivated their magic and lowered their makeshift weapons. “That’s better,” the king resumed. “Now how about you give them a chance to explain, or at least theorise, before you pass judgement on the ponies who rescued you from the changelings and brought me back from the dead?"
Everypony lowered their heads then, falling silent. Satisfied, Levitatus lowered his shield. “Celestia? Luna? Have you anything to say?”
All eyes returned to the eldest as she stepped forward.
“Honestly, everypony, Luna and I have no explanation for what has transpired here this morning. Even if we knew, we fear that you would choose not to believe us anyway. I cannot fathom what has occurred here today; my sister and I have only had possession of these Elements for two days now. However, I do know that the Elements have been imperative to our successes these last few hours. It is their very nature to reinforce the values of Honesty, Generosity, Loyalty, Kindness, Laughter and Magic.
“I do not pretend to understand their motive for activating by themselves like they did. What I can say, with absolute certainty, is that they did not kill your princess, for that would go against every aspect of their existence. Instead, let’s think about what we do know.
“Aura is now more than just a princess by birth. She has become a princess by inheritance. The inheritance of a crystal legacy. You all saw her coat. Remember how she now shines, like a sunrise. The Crystal Heart infused her with its power, resulting in her physical change, as well as a dramatic increase in her magical ability.”
Celestia halted. What more can I say? These ponies are patient for now, but they won’t stay that way for long…
* * * * *
“I know who you are. You’re that alicorn who brought us to the Crystal Heart,” Aura said. “What’s going on? What is this place, and why are we here?” She stared into the haunting, yet beautiful eyes of the alicorn before her. She’s even taller than Celestia. Who exactly is she?
This is my domain, young princess. The ethereal world, the one where ponies shall dwell with me, once their lives expire, provided they have lived by the ways of harmony. This realm of mine, is called Elysium. The alicorn beckoned for Aura to come to her side.
Aura trotted warily next to her. A long wing, wider and taller than she, blanketed her in its warmth. Suddenly, Aura felt completely at peace. I have watched over everypony since their beginnings. I am the benefactor of this world, the one who all life owes their existence to.
I am the Creator of All Things. You may call me Dimiourgia.
Dimiourgia. She has a name. Aura walked out from underneath the creator’s wing and examined her once again. That regal pose, that glorious colour scheme, those kind, but piercing blue eyes…
“Lady Dimiourgia.” Aura sank into a low curtsy before her goddess, remembering Platinum’s lessons on courtesy and etiquette. “It’s an honour to be here with you. But please, tell me: why am I here? Am I dead, or dreaming, or—”
I assure you, young one, you are most certainly not dead. The alicorn smiled, then resumed, Yet for the time being, neither do you live. Consider yourself in a sort of stasis. The reason you are here is because you have truly become the Crystal Princess you were meant to be. While we may have had a small coronation back in the Heart’s home, you were only named the Crystal’s Keeper. You were not truly a princess—not yet.
Dimiourgia set off on a light stroll. Aura followed, able to match her pace without much effort. You see, she continued, you have proven, beyond a shadow of doubt, that you deserve the title of Crystal Princess. You have shown every aspect of Harmony within yourself:
You showed Loyalty when you would not give up on saving your aunt, Clover. Generosity when you offered your power to assist Luna in her time of need. Honesty when you admitted that you were frightened in the caves, but still willing to continue your journey. Laughter whenever you made jokes with Clover about your lessons. And—most importantly—Kindness when you extended an unparalleled act of mercy to the foe who not only enslaved your kingdom, but also murdered your own father.
Dimiourgia stopped walking. They had arrived at a shallow, shimmering pool. Aura glanced into it, confused as to why it should be there. “What’s this for, Lady Dimiourgia?” She glanced up at the alicorn, confused. Her Lady smiled down at her.
Take a bath, Aura. You shall receive your reward, and begin down the path of righteousness.
Nodding, Aura lowered her gaze to the shallow pool. The water, devoid of ripples, showed her reflection perfectly. Her pink coat shone, her mane billowed out and her eyes filled with wonder.
Here goes…
* * * * *
“Luna, I don’t know what else to tell them. What do I say? I don’t know how to put their minds at ease.” Celestia looked around at the crowd of ponies. Her eyes fell upon the trio of Valencia, Cirrus and Edge. Something unexpected was happening to Valencia and Cirrus’ eyes. “Luna, look at those three,” she said. Luna glanced around in the ponies’ direction. The eyes of the crystal ponies glowed completely white. Edge was slowly backing away, unsure what to make of this development.
“What does it mean?”
Celestia opened her mouth to respond, but no sound left her throat. A brilliant light shone once more upon the city square. The whisperings of the ponies that had crept up again fell immediately silent. This time, however, the light did not shine on the alicorn sisters. Instead, it hovered over the site of Aura’s disappearance.
With a loud crack of lightning and a swirl of mystical power, an enlarged, Crystal Heart-shaped cutie-mark descended slowly to the site. Ponies everywhere were silent, witnessing the event with bated breath.
With a blinding flash, a surge of magic illuminated the twilit sky. Everypony averted their gaze from the intensity. When the light vanished a few seconds later, everypony returned their attention. A collective gasp rang through the square. Unicorns stared in awe. Alicorns smiled to each other. The king and his family wiped their eyes in disbelief.
Aura stirred in the wake of her return to the Equestrian realm. Shakily, she propped herself up with a hoof, shaking her head to clear it. Her vision swam, but returned to focus quickly. The first thing she saw was an entire kingdom staring at her.
“Er... hello… every...pony?” she shakily offered.
“Princess Aura!”
“You’ve returned!”
“It’s a miracle!”
“Whoa, she’s got wings?”
Aura’s eyes contracted at this last statement. A strange sensation covered her back and sides. Glancing around, she witnessed her new, miniature, lovely pink wings. Did I just become a pegasus? she thought. She checked for her horn, raising a hoof. When it connected with the sensitive magic-rod, she felt a shiver run down her spine. No, it’s definitely still there…
Before Aura—or anypony else—knew what was happening, Celestia and Luna descended upon her, lifting her up in their magic. Quickly, they flew back to the raised platform, each holding Aura up with a wing.
"Fillies and gentlecolts! Your princess lives!" Luna boomed.
"Behold! Your princess is now an alicorn!" Celestia announced.
Still shaken by her return to the world, Aura was almost blown away by the force of the cheering:
"Princess Aura! Princess Aura! Princess Aura!"
Gathering her thoughts, Aura shook her head. What? An alicorn? With her mouth open, frozen in shock, Aura re-examined her body. Yes, there was no mistaking it—she was as much an alicorn as Celestia and Luna. Her cutie-mark shone with new brilliance. Her horn felt slightly longer. Her wings—By Dimiourgia, I actually have wings!—unfolded of their own accord, casting a shadow of herself that she didn’t recognise. Not to mention the amount of depth her magic pool seemed to have gained.
Levitatus walked over to Aura, interrupting her self-assessment. His eyes remained wide, but there had never been a larger smile gracing his features.
“My daughter… an alicorn… never in my wildest dreams did I ever imagine the possibility. How did this happen?”
Aura hugged her father. I don’t think I’ll tell him about Dimiourgia. I got the impression she wished to remain hidden. “I guess the Elements of Harmony did this to me. I heard voices in my head, telling me about how I fulfilled each of their conditions. But I think it’s more than that,” she suggested. “I think it also has to do with the friends I made along the way, for without them, this would never have happened.”
The crowd continued to cheer. As Aura basked in the love of her supporters, she sensed a slight tingle from her Crystal Pendant. Following the “feeling,” she lightly fluttered off-stage, stumbling a little as she hit the ground. She walked up the the cage containing the former changeling queen.
“Oh, come to gloat at me have you, my Crystal Princess?" Mantissia hissed.
“No. In fact, quite the opposite,” Aura countered. “You see, nothing that has transpired in the last few hours would have ever been possible, were it not for your existence in this world. So I’ve come here now, to personally thank you for that. Thank you, Mantissia. Thank you for existing.”
The changeling stared in complete disbelief as the alicorn foal lowered her head. Just the smallest incline, but it was there. The former queen simply sat where she was, once more immobilised by the waves of gratitude and compassion she felt leaving Aura’s heart.
“You do realise that you’re feeding me more power, right, Your Highness?"
Aura looked up, meeting her charge’s gaze with an unflinching smile. “If you want to get used to feeling this way, used to the idea of you and your children having full bellies every day, then serve me. Guard my empire, that’s all I ask. In return, you shall never want for anything again. You will all be given the same legal rights as everypony else. You may walk among us, if you swear only to do as I’ve sentenced you to do, and take your sustenance only from the Crystal Heart.”
Aura held out a hoof through the bars. “Will you accept my terms, and my friendship, Mantissia?”
The changeling felt her resolve weaken. Shattered was the old queen; in her place sat a penitent servant, reduced to a smidgen of her former glory. Yet here was redemption, something she felt she could never deserve, literally offering its hoof in friendship to her. A moment passed.
Finally, Mantissia offered her hoof to Princess Aura, her judge, jury and saviour. Her new princess.
“I accept your terms, Your Highness.” This time, there was no trace of sarcasm in her voice. For the first time in a very, very long time, Mantissia smiled with content. Aura matched her expression.
“Here’s to a new friendship, and the ending of all discrimination against changelings,” declared Crystal Princess Aura.
* * * * *
Levitatus watched the exchange, prouder than he’d ever been in his life. Together, six ponies had brought down an entire army, not only defeating it, but altering its allegiance in the process. Aura, Celestia, Luna and these other ponies too. Valencia, Cirrus, Edge… Amazing. Simply amazing, what the power of the heart can do. The values of Harmony surely have a place in this world.
A thought came to mind, one he could not believe he’d failed to consider until now. It’s still twilight… Levitatus leaped up to the front of the dais, utilising his sound-enhancing spell once more.
"Everypony! Your king desires your attention!"
The square diverted its attention from Aura and Mantissia, back to their king. "Thank you all," he began. "While we’ve certainly had more than enough excitement today to last a lifetime, there remains one issue yet unsolved. We still have to raise the sun."
A gasp rang throughout the square; how could everypony have forgotten something so important as keeping the time?
Levitatus shared the thought. "Never mind. Please, everypony, focus your energy. Let’s all do it together!" The crowd cheered. Everywhere, the sight and sound of unicorn magic activating filled the atmosphere. In the gloom of the overly-extended early morning, unicorns struggled to tap into their power reserves. Little by little, the moon crept toward the horizon.
It was as far as it would budge. No matter how much straining, concentrating and willing the unicorns put into their task, they were just too drained of power from their recent entrapment. With much panting, the kingdom reduced its magic little by little, until the most dedicated of the lot also succumbed to the over-exertion.
"Careful everypony, I don’t wish for any of you to put yourselves in a coma. Let’s just rest for the day and try again later." Levitatus sighed at the sight of the reluctant moon. Never before had they had so much trouble lowering the moon. It was usually more simple than raising it, and to raise the sun was many factors more difficult. I hope this night doesn’t last forever, he thought to himself.
Celestia observed the attempt, feeling sorry for the kingdom. Everypony in sight was clearly fatigued, in no shape to cast such high-level magic. There’s got to be a way around this. Perhaps we can help? Celestia sent a telepathic message to her sister, which the Tiara intercepted.
You called, Celestia?
I think it’s time we showed these ponies what we’re capable of.
How do you mean?
Your cutie-mark, Luna. Have you not wondered what it means?
Luna broke the connection, staring at her flank. There, the midnight patch of fur, stained with the emblem of the moon in a dark sea filled her thoughts.
Surely not…
Luna glanced at her sister. Wordlessly, she nodded. Shifting her focus to the moon above, Luna closed her eyes.
Dimiourgia aid me…
With every ounce of concentration, Luna directed her energies toward levitating the moon. It slowly became wrapped in the blue glow of her magic. Feeling her grasp on the moon tighten, Luna diverted all power to its descent. As the moon began to slowly but surely fall, Luna heard a gasp from the exhausted crowd. Ignoring it, she continued her task, even as others joined it. She could feel all eyes upon her now, but still persisted. Not until she felt the moon slide comfortably off her grip, did she chance a glance skywards.
The moon had been put to rest.
A multitude of cheering reached Luna’s ears. Grinning broadly, she turned to Celestia.
“Your turn, Sunbutt.”
* * * * *
One week later:
The festivities were in full swing. Earth ponies, pegasi and unicorns alike made the trek to the Crystal Empire in the north. It was a glorious day, for it marked the official coronation of Princess Aura as Crystal Princess Aura. No longer would it just be a title gained from solitude. From this day forward, she would rule over her own empire.
To the surprise of all, the changelings had really stepped up to help Aura prepare her empire. It helped to have an entire city decorated and welcoming to all ponies. Everyling had been, true to Mantissia’s word, accepting of the terms of their punishment. Most of them didn’t feel like they were being punished at all. Having lived underground their entire lives, darting from shadow to shadow in the night in order to feed, they were ecstatic to be able to walk free throughout the city, whenever they wanted.
Mantissia had fiercely reiterated to her children that she would banish any of them, if they so much as considered leeching love from anypony. Under this threat, they behaved perfectly, being polite to all of their guests, as well as keeping their fangs in check. Aura’s decree had driven not only love into the changelings, but acceptance of their kind into the minds of their former victims.
Upon Aura’s coronation, equine and changeling alike had rejoiced. Even though the changelings had been expressly forbidden from leeching love from anypony, it did not stop many of the ponies freely giving it away, to be absorbed by the Crystal Heart. Everyling would feed heartily for weeks, at no detriment to the empire at all.
The largest surprise, however, came from King Levitatus’ shock abdication. After declaring Aura—officially—Crystal Princess and Keeper of the Crystal Heart, he had announced his own desire to step down, as ruler.
"I’m getting old, you see," he’d said. "I’ve been the King of Unitopia for twenty years now and I was certainly not a young stallion when I took on the responsibility. I’ve been the very best king that I could. I only hope that history remembers me as a wise and just leader." Next, he’d made another shocking announcement.
"I imagine all of you will now be expecting my daughter, Princess Platinum, to ascend to the throne. However, after much talk among our family, I have decided to hand the reigns of leadership instead, to our newest family members; my long-lost sisters: Princess Celestia and Princess Luna!" When the new princesses had finished being cheered and waved at, Levitatus had one more thing to declare.
"Before I officially step down from the throne, there is one final decree I wish to make. From now on, all ponies shall be welcome in the city on the mountain. It will no longer be an exclusively unicorn-populated kingdom. Since everypony will now be welcome within its borders, I decree that the city shall be renamed; from Unitopia, to Canterlot!"
If there was ever any cheer in Equestria that could match the one following that declaration, history does not remember it. Following the celebration, many ponies had elected to remain in the empire. Those that did so were subjected to a purity test from the Crystal Heart itself. Anypony who held even the slightest piece of disharmony in their hearts would be rejected by the Heart, until such time as they managed to purge the discordant feelings within them.
The Earth ponies who passed the test took up the task of growing crystal food. All were overjoyed at the deliciousness of the crystal carrots that they produced. While they did so begrudgingly, the Earth ponies also produced crystal berries and crystal corn, as well as regular fruits and vegetables. This lessened the burden on the southern farms and pastures, as a healthy trade flourished between the four major areas of Equestria.
* * * * *
Princess Aura leaned out over the balcony of her new castle. Her empire was beautiful. Every day, each building and resident on the streets would reflect the light of the sun, filling them with radiance. Everypony went about their business, in perfect harmony. The changelings patrolled the border in different groups every night, while others helped with the continued construction and prosperity of the city. Those that were off-duty were afforded sleeping quarters on the outskirts of the city, as well as the luxury of siphoning a drop of love each day from the Heart. Given the rate at how much love was filling the empire, the rate of withdrawal was greatly outweighed by the rate of deposit. It was win-win for everypony and everyling.
“Isn’t this magnificent, Clover? It’s only been a short time, but I know that all have done so well in building up this city.”
Clover walked next to her and placed a hoof around her, being careful of Aura’s wings. “Yes, it is indeed. You make a fine princess, my student.”
“I just wish my friends could stay here to witness it.”
Valencia and Cirrus had each left to return to their incredibly worried families. They wanted to help out with the restoration, after the destruction that the changelings had caused to their own homes, but had promised to one day return and catch up. "After all," Valencia had said, "with everything we’ve been through, we’ll always have a bond. You can count on it, Princess!"
She smiled at the memory. Yes. We’ll always be connected.
Well Cer, this has been one hell of a journey. You finished off this story extremely well in my opinion, and this chapter nicely wraps about everything up. I'm not on to really gush, so that's about all I can say.
I hope your real life stuff gets easier, I'd like to see some more work from you. But beyond that, thanks for this story.
Hope to see you around.
~Killsy
"Your turn, Sunbutt"
I'm about 1/6th done now, hope to be finished by saturday. I like it allot so far. I will say this story is out of my element a bit but its really immersive so far.
Well - well, I definately like i...
What are you doing here, mortal? Don't you know you have something horrible to read?
Sorry, sorry, your majesty. Please, give me a second.
If you, you lazy bum, don't read at least 3 chapters of that... whatever, I'll pull out your eyes through your urethra.
Ouch... I better be quick. I still need my eyes.
Well, what can I say? I like it so far. This whole 'How the world was created' thingie is really fun to read. Like I'm reading a fairytale. Also, Aura is adorable. Please, tell me that you're not me and you are not going to put her through 9 circles of hell... please?
I'm not that deep in, but I'm already running out of chips. I need more, much more. I'll be in touch, if Celestia doesn't rip my guts out.
3554318
I am not you. In the sense that I shall only put her through eight circles of hell.
You'd better empty your local grocer of chips, or your local McDonalds, either works
The amount of time it took me to give you this review is nothing sort of embarrassing. But I've finished now, so here we go.
(ahem)
This review is brought to you on behalf of the group: Authors Helping Authors
Name of Story: Keeper of the Crystal Heart
Grammar score out of 10: 9.99
(Surprising for someone who didn't have an editor)
Pros:
1. The story had many quotable moments.
2. Easily the best example of lore-blending I've ever seen.
3. The plot had many fun and exciting moments
Cons:
4. Too much exposition through dialogue
5. Some events that take place seem too convenient
6. Sometimes characters seemed to know more than I thought reasonable.
Notes Section:
1. Pretty self explanatory. My personal favorite was that one from Celestia about the flood of judgement breaking through a dam, but most of the best ones came from Luna, such as "Alicorns rule, changlings drool."
2. With stories like this one, readers learn to keep an eye for explanations for modern Equestria. More often than not, the canon tie-ins seemed completely natural. Your version of history for the alicorn sisters, Equestria, and the Elements of Harmony was simply phenomenal.
3. Giant ice-worm! Oh snap! Queen Mantissia's final form! Oh my stars and garters! Its a big story with plenty of big moments is what I'm getting at. There was giant magical explosions like ever other chapter, but it never felt overdone.
4. The dialogue occasionally seemed to exist solely for providing the reader with info in ways that seemed too obvious. One example would be when Edge told Valencia the population of Unicornia and how often other races visited. It seemed out place given the other things going on in that scene.
5. There were instances when a problem was solved by a deus-ex-machina. Not necessarily a bad thing in itself, but I felt it occurred too often. Freezing storm was solved by a warm cave. Luna sensed that Clover needed help. Changelings were drained of strength during the fight with Luna. And so on.
6. Not often, but enough to be noticed, characters seemed to know too much. Valencia seemed awful quick to figure out the secret of the fruits. Luna mentions the Giant Ice Worm, despite the fact no one ever told her about it.
All in all, this was still an adventures romp that contained much of the same spirit as the show. (Adultery and death non-withstanding). Although I'm not a Dragon Ball Z fan, I still enjoyed the crazy action fighting towards the end. The Biblical Book of Genesis parallels were a nice touch too. (Perhaps in the future, people will critically analyze your stories for Biblical and Dragon Ball Z allusions.)
Enjoy your review! Thanks again for your review on both "Dr. McNinja goes on an Equestrian adventure" and "The Easy Way Out".
Hello, good sir! ChromeMyriad here with a review of your epic tale from the group Authors Helping Authors! For those readers who have yet to read the whole story, beware of SPOILERS! Without further ado,
Name of Story: Keeper of the Crystal Heart
Grammar: 9.5/10 From a technical perspective, most of this story was excellent. However, along with a few typos, there was quite a smattering of word misuse. More on that in the exhaustive list I'll send you soon, but there you go.
Pros:
As always, your world-building is top-notch. The patience and care you put into explaining and describing the world we're entering is inspiring and really shows the amount of time and effort you put into your work.
Your portrayal of the changelings and the Queen in particular was perfect. The Queen was a truly sympathetic villain; driven by her very nature to be an enemy to the world in which she lived despite her own feelings. I particularly like the Queen's backstory and reasons for setting herself against everypony.
The backstory for the Crystal Heart's existence threw me for a delightful spin. More on my exact feelings in the document I'll send, but I think you've melded your lore with the lore of the show seamlessly and impressively.
Cons:
While the way you wrote the changelings was excellent, the interaction between the good guys was a little lacking, I felt. They got along a little too well and spent a little too much time reacting to their surroundings rather than each other. While this was good for helping the world get fleshed out, I felt like I didn't really know them very well.
I feel like your propensity for expanding the world carries into the character's dialogue a little too much. There are a couple of instances where you tell, rather than show, how things are and how the characters react. It also tends to lead to a bit of rehash, particularly with many of the ending speeches of the heroes. While these are grand and fit with the situation, it's a bit dry for the reader to listen to a retelling of what already happened.
This is entirely a personal thing, but I would have let King Levitatus remain dead. While the Elements and the Crystal Heart are powerful, I feel like there are some lines you have to have a really good reason to cross and I thought it detracted a bit from the weight and power of his death.
Notes:
To summarize, this tale is epic! It needs a bit of polish, but the care and work that went into this shines through. I can tell that you love the story you're telling and the characters you're creating. I loved the changelings in this particularly because I always felt that they were really well-equipped to live in harmony with everypony and improve the quality of life for everypony and everyling ( I saw what you did there, by the way ) involved. You constructed a very good reason for them to be villains, but still presented them in a sympathetic light rather than just making them mindless monsters.
If I may gush for a moment, I found the interpretation of the Crystal Heart as Discord's discarded heart to be AWESOME! It fits in so well with the timeline of the show and all of the actions he takes in it! It even allows for a reason he didn't attack the Crystal Empire! Brilliant!
As I said before, I felt the good guys didn't get as much development as they needed. I think what I missed most from them was any form of good-natured internal conflict to build their individual strengths and weaknesses compared to each other. Aura, Valencia, and Cirrus almost never had any disagreements or arguments, large or small, and that's simply not how friends behave.
I can see why you did it, but I feel like the King's revival was a little too contrived. While the power of the Crystal Heart and the Elements is enormous, I felt that you actually took a bold step toward giving those powers depth by giving them weaknesses and limits. Having them suddenly able to revive Levtatus just so things can all turn out alright felt like a step backward to me. There's a lot of depth to be had in tragedy, and I was really into the whole 'the king just died... how horrible' feeling. That might just be me, though. I know not everyone likes that sort of thing, so take this with a grain of salt.
Now, per request, I shall insert all of my reactionary notes to things I liked and/or disliked in the story! All comments are made exactly at the time I was reading the quoted passage.
Chapter 1:
Good. The world-building is again done with patience and steady elegance. I find retellings of scenes from the show a bit dry, but this was done with care and a lot of work was put in. The introduction of new characters is woven well into the narrative and I’m interested to see where this goes.
Chapter 2:
I like this chapter a lot. We’ve moved past the bits that are retellings of the show’s story and back into your lore. The banter between the Princesses was good and communicated what it needed to; with the possible exception of that one passage that was pretty much listing the effects of the Elements of Harmony.
Chapter 3
:3 Squeeee! Sorry…
The characterization in this chapter is very good so far. I’m eagerly anticipating all of these different characters meeting up! (My personal favorite is Aura)
Chapter 4
I kinda expected the different pony races to still have some leftover mistrust of each other, particularly of strangers, but it’s not terribly distracting.
o_o *staring intensifies*
0_0
O_O
Chapter 5
D’awwwwwww!
Changelings! The plot thickens. I honestly hadn’t expected to see them in this story. It’s a welcome surprise. I’m very interested to see how the ponies react to finding out about Celestia and Luna. Again, I’m impressed with your patient world-building and immersive storytelling.
Chapter 6
I like the idea of changelings causing another winter in Equestria. It certainly makes sense considering they drain love. Reading on!
Chapter 7
Hmm… interesting.
I love this chapter! Some people may not like cliffhangers, but they help the reader keep interest in the story and build suspense!
Chapter 8
Twilight’s a BEAST! Dat Ursalift.)
Enjoying these chapters! :D
Chapter 9
So that’s where the crystal fruit came from! I feel like mentioning something that’s been bugging me slightly about Valencia’s dialogue; sometimes I feel like she has a country accent and other times a well-educated accent. I think this is because sometimes she talks a bit like Applejack and sometimes she uses words like ‘augments’. Maybe she’s just a well-educated country mare? Not entirely sure. It’s very nitpicky for me to say though, so don’t pay it too much mind.
Chapter 10
It’s getting nervousciting! :D
Chapter 11
Hmm a bit of a slow chapter. Moving on into the depths of the cave, then!
Chapter 12
NOOOOO CELESTIA! C’mon Luna, you can take ‘em!
Chapter 13
So cute!
The crystal heart is DISCORD’S heart!? I love it! It’s brilliant! It’s so perfect considering the way he behaves! It also blends excellently with the return of the Crystal Empire and Discord’s reformation! Top marks for that, good sir!
Chapter 14
No kidding.
Poor Celestia! Changeling magic just isn’t her thing, is it? Yeah Princess Luna! Gather the cavalry! Here come the reinforcements!
Chapter 15
HNNNNNGGHH
I haven’t mentioned it before, but I really enjoy the way you portray the changelings’ reactions to pony emotions. Most authors I’ve seen just have the changelings react with slight distaste or indifference to emotions they can’t thrive off of, but you actually allow them to have weaknesses in that area and I think it really helps their development.
*Falls back against the wall, clutching his chest* Be still, my heart! This. Is. Perfect. I’ve always thought the changelings would be able to thrive if they actually tried to feed on love they generated rather than stolen emotion. I’m reading on to see the Queen’s answer!
[Some time later]
*Slowly claps* Love is so delicious that they must engorge themselves? As they take love, the pony they take it from slowly turns against them? I like it. It meshes well with the show’s lore and extends your own. Well played, sir, very well played.
*Snort*
An excellent battle scene! I’m really loving the Queen here. She’s a truly sympathetic villain and very, very well done!
Chapter 16
Awesome! Your battle scenes are very creative!
Chapter 17
HA!
How does he know that?
NOOOOO!!! Levitatus! I must read on!
Chapter 18
Hmm. While I can see why Celestia and Luna might make the speech they did under the situation, it’s a bit dry for the reader to hear everything in the story retold. This is purely a personal thing, but I would have left Levitatus dead to give the act more weight. I might have instead added a bit toward the end solidifying what he meant to everypony and how he died for the right reasons. That’s just me, though. The buildup of everypony’s feelings for their dead king was very good; I could feel the oppressive silence.
Chapter 19
Again, I can see why Aura relived the events of the story via a speech, but having to read about them all again was a bit slow for me. I did love her decision, though. The changelings need a little love.
Chapter 20
An excellent ending. Everypony lived happily ever after… or did they? Time to actually write the review!
I hope you liked your review! I was a bit harsher than usual with this story because I want my reviews to present authors with the 'next step' for their writing. Telling someone their story is awesome gives them a good feeling, but ultimately doesn't help them improve. This story was so close to complete excellence that I really had to dig deep and be mean.
This is the most honest I have been with my own opinions in any review I've ever given, and that sir, is the highest honor I can bestow. Well done.
Dude EPIC STORY!! I haven't been captivated like that in a lonh time!
there is no words to express how I feel but this is just the tip
PS: they are all happy and this is for both stories so far
And that's how Equestria was made!
Still curious about those Changelings, because we all know how that turned out in the end.
And it looks like a certain spirit of chaos has woken from his nap. Grab the Elements, it's time for a stoning!
Anyway, Ya done good Cerulean. Ya done good.
This review is brought to you on behalf of the group: Authors Helping Authors
Name of Story: Keeper of the Crystal Heart-Divinity's Blessing
Grammar Score: 9
Pros: - All of it, just... hang on a minute...
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Cons:-
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Notes:
The mob going after Celestia and Luna reminds me of something I forgot to say in the last chapter, which was my mild disbelief that everypony in Unitopia was happy to go along with Aura's chosen 'punishment.' I let it slide, though, and gave you the benefit of the doubt. After all, the naysayers may have just decided to play along for fear of being grossly outnumbered.
Meh, some of Dimiourgia's 'evidence' of Aura's link to the Elements seem a bit weak to me, but I'll bite. At least you've got something. That said, I feel as though I somehow missed the one for Generosity in the story.
It's curious that you link the Elements to the Crystal Heart when there's no evidence of this whatsoever in the show. Either you came up with that yourself or it's in the comics somewhere. I like the idea of them being entirely separate in nature much more, but hey, it's your AU, so I'll not let it bother me.
Just when I was thinking this ending was going pretty smoothly... you blew it with Mantissia. After showing her still being bitter and angry, she just suddenly has a change of heart? This kind of thing doesn't happen that quickly, period. How can she go from a being of pure hatred to complacency within a span of seconds? I get that she's defeated and 'broken,' but that doesn't mean she's gonna do a complete 180 personality-wise. I'd have found it much more agreeable if she'd gone with "I'll guess I should try" or something similar.
Why is Edge receiving so much praise? He was here for all of three chapters. Or was it four?
Ah, the changelings are all magically, inexplicably good now. They can even control their hunger, which you established was impossible. You really are going for a Disney ending, aren't you?
Okay, so Celestia and Luna get to rule after all. Good, at least that went right. But it interests me that you gave me that "to rule, first you must serve" argument when Celestia and Luna were stuck as advisers for a whole whopping week. You did manage to effectively reveal why Canterlot is named such, though.
But you've now established that ALL crystal ponies must be pure of heart and in tune with the Elements. That's... a high standard. It also suggests that any set of six crystal ponies should be able to use the Elements, which makes them all on equal standing with, say, the Mane 6, if not superior to them. I don't think you're even remotely aware of the potential implications of this. I also doubt you intended it to be interpreted that way.
And of course we have Discord back. Not much to say about him, except that I have to wonder why the heck he decided to take a 20-year nap. Maybe I missed something from the exposition way back when they found the Crystal Heart... although – as he noted in the Dr. McNinja story I recently – he's part dragon, so that might explain some things. Still, it seems like an awfully nice coincidence.
All in all, I think this story has a lot of promising concepts but failed in the overall delivery. Given everything I've learned, I think the ending is superior to most of the story. You ended it on a high note, and I don't mean from a 'happy feelings' perspective (although that is there). I'm pretty sure I'll be holding off on reading Pendant until you're closer to finishing it, but once that happens you can bet I will be.
Now I think I'll take a look at the 'alternate ending,' just to see if I approve of it any more than this one.
Oh... and two last points.
I can't wait to see how Aura gets killed, presumably in Pendant. After all, she doesn't exist in the show, which can only mean one thing (well, maybe two).
Also, you did absolutely nothing with Free Spirit. Where he is concerned, I am very disappointed. I get you were trying to provide a link to a side story, but there are much better ways to create those links than give him a whole section to make him seem important... and then forget he exists.
That second quote is in the wrong place. I thoroughly enjoyed this story and am saddened knowing that the sequel was removed. However, will there be more lore-centric au adventure stories from you in the spirit of Never Bloom and Keeper of the Crystal Heart?
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Heya, thanks a whole bunch. I'm so glad that you managed to get through it all. And for finding that typo (fixed now btw). I loved bringing these characters to life, taking elements of the show and growing them into something real and organic.
Sadly, though this mythos was rather interesting to create, it's long outdated nowadays and I'm the sort of person who can't write against canon once I learn about new things. My stories were always intended to be within the realms of "plausible," but so much has happened since they were finished that directly contradicts so much of the content. Incidentally, that's the reason for them having the AU tag: they became AU, I never wrote them with such intent. So on that note, while this story and its prequel will always stand for me as a totem of my humble beginnings, I have absolutely no plans to continue the series.
If, however, you are keen to see what was once planned as a sequel, I still have the old documents saved in this public Google Drive folder. There's only seven (and a bit) chapters, and none more will come after, but have a look if you really want to. There's even something a little saucy in there, commissioned long ago from my old pal, Anonymous Pegasus.
And of course, there's always my Ultimate Saga... if I can ever get my lazy ass to finish it. That story I can do whatever I want with, beyond any canonical boundaries, simply because beyond the events of the season 4 finale, it's a completely alternate timeline. I don't know if you've looked at it already... Pretty sure you've read most of my work, actually.