Into the Storm

by Dark Enigma

Epilogue

*A few days later*

Thunderlane stares at the pale ceiling from his hospital bed. He caught the Feather Flu not too long ago and his symptoms just got worse from there. The doctors at Ponyville hospital manged to get his flu under control, but they are still keeping him under surveillance to make sure he makes a full recovery.

Thunderlane rolls under his blankets. Today is the day the pegasi of Ponyville are going to send water to Cloudsdale so the factories there can make the rain clouds Equestria needs. He tosses and turns beneath his blanket in frustration. Not only is he sick--one of Ponyville's top fliers--but he got other pegasi sick too. He coughs for a while before coming out from under his blankets for fresh air. The door to his room swings open. "You have a roommate, Thunderlane." Nurse Redheart walks in, pushing along a hospital bed with a blanket draped over a patient.

Thunderlane coughs again. "But isn't the Feather Flu contagious?"

"Don't worry, says here on her chart she's immune to the Feather Flu. Besides, we don't have anywhere else to put her."

"Why is she covered up like that?"

"We had to heavily sedate her. She had bones popped out of place, a fractured rib cage, and a cracked skull plus a number of other injuries. She's lucky to be alive."

Thunderlane stares at the body under the sheets as Nurse Redheart places the bed next to his. "She should wake up in a couple of hours. You need anything, Thunderlane? I'm here to help."

"No, I'm fine. Thank you for asking."

"Alright, if you do end up needing something, just press the red button. Somepony will come."

"I'll keep that in mind."

Nurse Redheart smiles. After checking off something on the chart of Thunderlane's new roommate, she walks out the room, gently closing the door behind her. Thunderlane takes one final look at the pony next to him. He turns away uninterested, pulls up his blankets, and tries to sleep. The last thought he has is of Rainbow Dash yelling at him for getting sick.

It's mid-afternoon when Thunderlane wakes up with a fit of coughing.

"Geez, you okay?" asks a mare's voice next to him.

"It's just the Feather Flu. I'll get better in no time." Thunderlane sits up from his bed to stretch.

"Must be some Feather Flu to get you in the hospital."

Thunderlane yawns. He rubs his eyes to shake out the last bits of drowsiness. "Yeah, but the doctors here know what there doing," he says, turning in the direction of the voice. His eyes widen. Thunder rubs them again to make sure he isn't hallucinating.

A turquoise pegasus with a bright orange-yellow mane laughs. "I would expect so. I'm still alive, so that must mean they're doing something right."

"Li-lighting Dust?"

The pegasus mare cocks her head in confusion. "Who's Lightning Dust?"

Thunderlane looks at the mare's badly mangled body. Her right foreleg is in a cast, her midsection is wound up by an elastic support bandage, her wings are missing most of their feathers, her coat and mane are awfully discolored in different spots, and her head is wrapped in a white cloth. Thunderlane's attention is drawn to her head. "Um, do you know who I am?"

The pegasus looks at the base of his bed. "On your chart it says Thunderlane." She smiles, pointing at it.

"Yeah, but do you remember me?"

"Hmm... nope. Why? Have we met before?"

A lump forms in Thunderlane's throat. There's no mistaking it. Despite her disfigured body--which explains why Redheart didn't recognize her--the mare before Thunderlane is Lightning Dust. Her voice sounds like it matured, but it's still the same voice of his beloved big sister. Thunderlane thinks back to when he last saw her. His eyes begin to tear up.

"Whoa, you okay?"

Thunderlane sniffs and rubs away his tears. "Yeah." His voice cracks. "Feather Flu, you know."

"No, I never had the feather flu. Well, not that I know of." Lightning Dust grabs her chart. "It says here I'm immune to the Feather Flu. It also says I'm patient 135. That's a weird name for a mare. What was that name you said before? Lightning Dust? I like it, it sounds... familiar, nostalgic almost. Do you mind if I use that name from now on?"

The lump in Thunderlane's throat grows bigger. He coughs loudly. "Go ahead."

Lightning Dust smiles wider than before. She lays down her chart on her bed. "You know, I was actually scared when I first woke up. I didn't know my name, I didn't know where I came from. But when I saw you sleeping there, I felt... safe. What more, you even gave me a name."

"Do you remember anything from your past?" asks Thunderlane curiously.

"I think so. I remember this huge blue dragon. I think I was racing it. Um, it... it hit me, outta the sky. Hmm, that explains how I got this messed up. I must have hit the ground hard." Lightning laughs. "That dragon cheated." She smirks. "I want a rematch."

"I don't think that's such a good idea," says Thunderlane.

"It's a great idea. How else am I gonna make a name for myself so I can join the Wonderbolts? That's another thing I remember. I really want to join the Wonderbolts, because..." Lightning Dust looks down. "Because my father was one. And I want to live up to his name--no--surpass his name," she says glumly. "My dad... passed away. Yeah, he passed away twelve years ago. I could never beat him in a race. I would always try so hard to win. I would push myself to the breaking point." Lightning's voice picks up energy. "I love that feeling, where my body can't go any further but I will myself to go that extra mile. It fills me with a sense of pride, you know?"

"Yeah, I do." Thunderlane desperately holds back tears from cascading out from his eyes.

Lightning Dust looks at Thunderlane's lip quivering. "There's something about you I can't really place. You know you never answered my question."

Thunderlane sniffs. "What question?"

"Have we met before?"

Thunderlane can't hold it in anymore; he cries, he cries like he never cried before. He turns away from Lightning unable to stand seeing her face anymore. He bawls, soaking his pillow and his bed sheets. Thunderlane clumps up his sheets and throws it as hard as he could at the nearby window.

Lightning Dust sees his wings. Feathers are all out of place from Thunderlane laying on them for so long. She gets down from her bed and struggles to Thunderlane's side. She sits on his bed and places her good hoof on his shoulder. "I could clean up those wings for you little brother."

Thunderlane quickly turns around at her remark. Tears are flowing down Lightning's cheeks as she stares into Thunder's eyes. She mouths a single phrase: "I remember."

Author's Note:

Will be continued in Cloudchaser's cutie mark story...

Comments

[Scribblestick]

Hi there! Scribblestick here on behalf of WRITE with some friendly writing tips and feedback and such. So, let's get started!

It's rare to see a story written in present tense. It was a nice change of pace, but there was something a little unsettling about it. That may just be me, and I'm not saying that's a bad thing, but I thought I'd mention it.

I also like what you're doing with Lightning--namely, filling in her backstory. I like the depth you've added to her character, and parts made me cringed when I remembered how Wonderbolt Academy turned out for her. For the most part, I like how she and Thunderlane interact. The only parts that bugged me where when Thunderlane told her off (when she ran to her room, for example) because they seemed a bit out of character for him. I think making his motivations/emotions clearer in these parts would help, as I can imagine reasons why he would do this.

As much as I enjoyed the characters, I found myself beginning to lose interest as the story went on into the second chapter. I can't really pin down why this was, but part of it might be that I'm not entirely sure where you're trying to go with this. I think you have a solid start with the characters, but the story felt aimless the longer I read. Perhaps this is intentional, since both Thunderlane and Lightning feel lost and confused, but it started to get old for me as a reader.

On to some details:

He spread out his wings

You shift to past tense here when it should be present. This is the only time I noticed it.

A few missing commas:

He moves them around, wary of another wave of pain.

Lightning Dust takes off, leaving Thunderlane behind.

Every now and then she would pull out a broken feather, which causes Thunderlane to shrink back from her touch.

Also, be careful using the world "would" when writing in present tense. When talking in the present, the word "would" also requires an "if," as it's a conditional way of saying something. "I would shoot you in the head if you turned into a zombie," for example. Sometimes the "if" is stated in a previous sentence ("What if I turned into a zombie?" "I would shoot you in the head") or implied by the situation. There were a few times, such as in the last sentence I quoted, that I couldn't find an "if," which left me confused for a moment.

Another word to watch for in present tense is "then":

Rain begins to fall, sparingly at first but then gains a steady beat.

"Then" implies that something has occurred in the past, that one thing happened before another. Since you're writing in present tense (as in, everything is happening now), this can create an uncomfortable tense shift.

There were a few telly moments, such as:

Thunderlane is glad to see his sister actually care about him regardless of her strict flying lessons.

Try to find ways to show this through actions and dialogue, as this will make it more interesting.

rouge storms

Rogue storms, as I'm assuming it's not raining makeup.

Her name is Redheart. She is fifteen years old and is in training to be a nurse.

This broke the flow of the story. Also, the paragraph this sentence is in is telly.

Thunder's mom points at a crib next to the window. Inside is a snoring pegasus foal almost three years of age.

This seemed a bit old to me to be in a crib, but apparently this isn't uncommon.

Cloudchaser doesn't care.

Telly.

Her mane tickles Thunderlane's neck as she places her head underneath his as she pours all her affection into her presence.

You use the word "as" twice in this sentence. I recommend changing the second to "and."

"Easy, you know I'm holding you're unborn son," says Shower Flash.

Your.

"No, no, Don't think that. Dad is proud of you."

The second comma should be a period, or the "d" in "don't" should be lower case. Also, moments like these make we wonder if Thunderlane is really eight years old.

"Thanks for telling me, intern."

I can see this from Lightning, but it's weird coming from Thunderlane. He seems like a fairly friendly sort of colt, and the way they're using "intern" seems impersonal and snotty.

Well, that's all I have for now. Hope it helps!

~Scribblestick, WRITE's notoriously friendly reviewer

[Dark Enigma]

3272605 Thanks, this is a very big help. I'm just glad someone took the time to really go through it all. You provided more than enough. There were a few stupid mistakes I should have caught; thanks for pointing those out too. I'm really satisfied with your review. Just thank you I'll get to editing right away.