A Skitch in Time (Revised)

by GreyGuardPony

Prologue

Jake dreamt he was awake, but he couldn't see. All was blotches of shadow and light and the only sensation he could make out was the feeling of hard wood under his back. He tried to sit up, but found that his muscles would not respond.

Someone was speaking nearby. The voice was echoing, words fading in and out. One of the dark blobs moved closer, and Jake felt a hand hold one of his eyes open as a bright light was shone into it. A moment later, the light and the blob moved away and the sound of items and papers being shuffled about reached his ears, joined by an instance of shouting.

The blob returned and this time he could feel something being dragged across his skin in even patterns. Head to toe, and...under his pants and shirt? Had this freak taken his clothes off?

The sound of something being tossed to the floor was followed by a bright blue glow, that at least added some color to the muddled, shifting, pattern. He felt hands on his shoulders and heard more mumbling.

More movement, the blob shuffling out of and then back into view. And then came the glowing pink light that began to mix into the muddled blobs. Pain lanced through his body, sickening, almost wet cracks echoing in his ears as limbs were re-arranged and hands and feet stiffened. As he sunk back into full unconsciousness, his skin crawling and flowing like water, all he wanted was for the pain to end.

Author's Note:

And now, for A Skitch in Time, the directors cut!

This is something that's been in my head for the last month or so. Mostly because A.) I've gotten better at writing (in my opinion at least) since I first wrote this fic and B.) I spun it off into a fuller universe that's somewhat different from the canon universe, and I wanted my first fic to represent some of that.

So, I hope everyone enjoys my insane attempt to somehow elevate HiE/Ponification fics for a second time!

Comments

[Rune Heart]

Hey, GGP? What's a Skitck. Are they like sketches?

[Magical Trevor]

Huh. So someone actually had the same idea I had, except involving the Mane Six... I expect this to be quite good, you know!

[EverfreeSparkle]

I am confused. I have this story favorited and gave it a thumbs up, yet I don't remember it and it seems I have never read any of the chapters... It feels familiar in a strange way, yet It is just out of my grasp. Help!

[sorenxoras]

Revised? Well all right, I did the story so rereading it wouldn't be a bad idea at all! Let's see how this has changed.

[Emeral Bookwise]

Huh... well I suppose you warned me that the prologue was lack luster.

Actually it's wasn't all that bad, and even manages to build some spooky atmospheric, albeit it very short-lived. Really not much more to say with so little to work from though -- onto the next chapter then.

[Moliminous]

Going through all my read stories for nostalgia sakes, I noticed I left most of this unread and I wasn't sure why. I read pretty much all of it and while it's a bit late for advice perhaps it can be used for future stories?
The references to the human world with name drops like EQD really don't sit well, it shatters a lot of the flow, though that's just a personal thing. It feels like the mind alteration sub plot is almost entirely unnecessary and forced. It feels like it was added last minute, and while I see how it fits the story it feels off. Perhaps it's simply the writing, at times feeling more bland and fanficy with simplistic dialogue, overly descriptive emotes and actions: and a large number of scenes where people feel as though they're acting out of character. The greatest offender is the transgender subplot. It's rare to find stories that do these, let alone ones that do it well. But the reveal is far too forced and cliche. It's never built and is revealed so obtusely that it's jarring. It does make sense that being trans would be a conclusion rarity comes to, seeing as she is trans in this story, but in a world where apparently transmutation for flawless sex change operations exist this hardly seems like it would be an issue. You've taken away a huge struggle, making raritys experience far cheaper. All in all it seems pacing is a huge issue. This story could stand to be a good 2 to 3 times it's current size with a few details hammered out.
That said it does seemed to be generally well liked and so I hope I don't damper your pride in your work, you've touched many with it I'm sure.

[Eris Dis Harmonia]

One ticket to the Twilight Zone?