The Exalted Alicorns of Equestria

by Unselfish Knave

Chapter 1: The Second Breath

Twilight Sparkle took one last look around her bedroom. It was an elegantly furnished chamber, well suited to a mare of her status. Lavender curtains with gold trim covered the windows, and a plush patterned rug spread beneath her hooves. In the center was a huge four-poster bed, the silver curtains open.

Twilight would miss this room. The odds of her ever seeing it again in its current state were poor. She focused her attention to the box on the table in front of her. She inserted her horn into the magic lock on the front and heard the click of the latches undoing themselves.

Inside was a long, slender sword. Twilight frowned as she looked at it, remembering the all too common sight of its blade drenched in blood. She would not miss this sword.

She plucked it from the box with her magic and strode to her bed, climbing in and shutting the curtains. The only light she could see now came from her own horn.

Her bed was huge, even for an Alicorn of her stature, as was the sword she carried. Were it not for her magical attunement to the weapon, she could scarcely have lifted it. She laid on her back, wings spread beneath her barely reaching the edges of the bed, and let the sword hover in the air above her.

She reached forward and gripped the blade, feeling its weight transfer to her hooves as she released the grip of her magic. She brought the point to her chest, just above her heart, and for the first time since resolving to kill herself, she felt fear.

But why? Fear comes from the unknown, and Twilight knew both why her death was necessary and what would happen to her afterwards. But such predictions were never sure things. Twilight had learned that the hard way many times over. Even if she did kill herself, there was no guarantee that it would help anything.

Twilight sighed. This was silly. Even if it wasn’t a sure thing, her calculations were correct; suicide was the mathematically correct course of action. The most probable path to her goals. She knew this was so, so why hesitate?

It hurt more than she expected, and in spite of herself, Twilight let out a gasp of pain as she felt the sword pierce her heart. In seconds, her vision began to swim, and she felt the strength leaving her forelegs. They fell to her sides, leaving the glittering sword sticking out of her chest. The light from Twilight’s horn faded, and her last thought before the blackness consumed her was a prayer that it would all be worth it.

* * *

“Some ponies here to see you, your majesty.”

Twilight opened her eyes. Everything looked bright, nothing like the darkness of her bed. Or of death. But no. That wasn’t her bed. She looked around. She was in the Canterlot Palace archives. That was right. She had been here recently. She brought a hoof to her chest. It felt uninjured. Just a dream then. She let out a sigh of relief.

“Perhaps you should get some rest, your majesty,” said a pitch black earth pony standing nearby. His name was Pooling Ink, and he had been assigned as her assistant. “I can send them away if you like.”

“Who is it?” asked Twilight, rubbing her eyes.

“It’s Miss Rarity and Miss Applejack, your majesty,” said Ink.

“What? Oh, right, yes. Of course. Send them in.”

“Right away, your majesty.”

Twilight watched Ink leave around a bookshelf and frowned. She wondered when being called “Your Majesty” would stop feeling weird. Celestia seemed to have no problem with it, but then, Celestia had centuries of experience.

She rubbed her temples. What had that dream been about? It was so vivid; she couldn’t remember ever dreaming like that. Why had she wanted to kill herself? There was a reason, she was sure of it. She didn’t recognize the room or the bed, and – she shivered – certainly not the sword.

Twilight was sitting in the center of the Starswirl the Bearded wing of the Royal Canterlot Library, which was currently closed off to those without authorization. There were long tables arrayed in a sunburst pattern around a stone statue of Starswirl himself at the center, and beyond the circle of tables were shelves of books arranged in a similar fashion.

Twilight’s friends arrived a few moments after Ink left, Rarity dressed in a stylish hat and dress with a white scarf, while Applejack wore only her familiar hat.

“Rarity, Applejack! It’s so good to see you!” Twilight said. “I had no idea you were coming.”

“Twilight, darling, it’s been far too long.” Rarity beamed, approaching Twilight and extending a foreleg for a hug, which Twilight gladly accepted.

“Yeah, it’s been almost two months since you’ve been back in Ponyville. It’s good to see you, Twi,” said Applejack, a hint of coldness in her voice.

Twilight averted her eyes and rubbed the back of her neck. Had it really been that long? “I know it’s been a while girls, and I’m sorry. It’s just that, well, I’ve got royal duties now. I’ve been busy. Like right here.” She waved a hoof around at the room at large. “It seems like it’s been at least a century since the archives were properly organized, so getting this all in shape is my current project.”

“I understand,” said Rarity. “It’s just that we miss you. Ponyville feels empty without you.”

Applejack spoke up, “Your letters keep saying that you’re coming back, but you seem to just keep putting it off.”

“Applejack, what a thing to say!” said Rarity.

“Well it’s true, aint it?” Applejack continued. “We’re lucky if we get a letter a week these days. You’re just…” she sighed. “You’re getting distant, Twilight.”

“Applejack…” Twilight didn’t know what to say. A part of her was hurt that Applejack wasn’t being supportive, but another part just felt ashamed because she couldn’t deny what Applejack was saying.

Applejack seized on Twilight’s hesitation and continued, her voice growing louder. “Ever since you exalted, it’s like we don’t exist. We’re all too small to matter now that you’re a big fancy Alicorn princess living up in the castle, is that it?”

There was a moment of silence between the friends. Rarity kept shifting her eyes from Applejack to Twilight and back again. Applejack looked Twilight straight in the face. Twilight didn’t return her gaze. She couldn’t.

Eventually, Applejack removed her hat sighed again. “Look, I’m sorry, Twi. That was out of line. We just wish you’d come back. We miss you. Rarity’s right; Ponyville just don’t feel right without you.”

Tears began to form in Twilight’s eyes. Rarity spoke. “So you can understand how wonderful it is to see you here now. Isn’t it Applejack? Now this whole archive reorganization sounds fascinating. Tell me, what’s that book you were just looking at – the big one?”

“Oh.” Twilight’s voice brightened up a bit. “It’s a really fascinating find, actually. You don’t want to know how deep this was buried in the archives. Do either of you read Old Realm?”

“Nah,” said Applejack. “Never saw the use in it.”

“Sorry, dear,” said Rarity. “I studied it for a year in school, but doubt I remember much.”

“That’s a shame,” said Twilight. “I think you would find this really interesting.”

“I’m… sure we would Twilght, yes. But what is it?” said Rarity.

“It’s an early treatise on sorcery. This was written by Princess Luna herself prior to her banishment, which means it’s at least a thousand years old. Did you know that Luna was the first sorceress to get to the Adamant Circle? I always figured it was Celestia.”

“Uh, Adamant Circle? There are some ponies here that don’t speak magic,” said Applejack.

“It’s the highest level of sorcery,” said Twilight. “It’s what the princesses use to move the sun and moon. It’ll be years before I can do anything like that, of course, maybe centuries. I don’t know how quickly my magic will improve.”

“Centuries. Right…” muttered Applejack. “You know, some of us aren’t going to live forever.”

Twilight put a hoof to her mouth. “Oh, Applejack. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean-”

“Course you didn’t mean. Being better than everypony else just comes naturally to you now; I understand.”

Rarity gasped. “Applejack! What is the matter with you?”

“I’m sorry. I just- I think I need to leave,” said Applejack, turning away.

“I can come back to Ponyville!” said Twilight. “I’ll visit, I promise.”

“It’s not about that, Twi. Look, I’m just frustrated, never should have said anything.”

Twilight spread her wings and flew in front of Applejack. “Well if you’re that frustrated, then you need to talk to us!”

“What I need is to go clear my head. Get out of my way, Twilight,” said Applejack, her voice trembling.

“No. What’s wrong?”

“It’s your exaltation Twilight! I can’t stand next to you without feeling like I’m a speck of dust. Like I’m just a side character in somepony else’s story: yours. I’m a background pony. I just wanted to think that what we had together in Ponyville mattered, that I mattered, but it turns out that I don’t. You were always the important one. You were the one that mattered, not any of us. We were just stepping stones to get you to where you are now. I’m nothing.”

Tears were streaming down Applejack’s face now. She sat down on her haunches. “And the hardest thing is that I can’t be mad at you for it. None of this was your fault. You were always a good friend. Never asked to be more important than anypony else. I mean, when you got the chance to be a princess, what were you going to do, say no? I could never ask you to do that, Twi. You know I wouldn’t. And you’re certainly qualified for it. I would never be.”

“Applejack…” Twilight sat down too. “You know you’re important to me.”

“Yeah, I am now. What about in a hundred years? What about a thousand? I’m just going to be a drop in an ocean.” Applejack sniffed, “Even now you’ve got royal duties. Equestria depends on you, not us.”

“You’re attuned to the Element of Honesty. That’s got to count for something,” said Twilight.

Applejack scoffed. “And when was the last time that mattered? It was when you exalted, remember? And besides, you’ve still got the most important element.”

Twilight didn’t know what to say. She just reached forward and hugged Applejack. The earth pony didn’t resist.

“I should go,” said Applejack.

“If you want to,” said Twilight. “Just please don’t feel like you have to. You’re one of the most important ponies in my life.”

“Right. What matters is what Princess Sparkle thinks of me.” Applejack broke away and covered her face with her hat. “I’m sorry; I just keep sticking my hoof in my mouth. Of course I care about what you think, Twi. I don’t know why I said that. I’ll just…” She stood up and walked around Twilight. “I’ll go.”

“Okay,” said Twilight without getting up.

Rarity approached and hugged Twilight. “I should go with her. Do come back to Ponyville sometime. It will, well, it will be a start. We’ve all been a bit on edge since your coronation hoopla died down.”

“I never meant-“

“We know, dear. We know. We’re all proud of you. It’s just hard sometimes knowing you’re destined for greater things than the rest of us. It doesn’t make us care about you any less.”

Twilight chuckled as she wiped a tear from her eye. “You sound like my mom.”

“There, see? We miss that smile. I should really go and make sure Applejack doesn’t do anything foolish. Where’s Spike, shouldn’t he be here with you?”

“He’s at the hospital,” said Twilight. “His wings are coming in, and the doctors wanted to keep an eye on him.”

“Well then, I guess you two will have something to talk about when he gets back, then,” said Rarity. Twilight chuckled again. “I’ll see you around, Twilight.”

“Thank you, Rarity,” said Twilight, reaching a leg up to return Rarity’s hug.

“What are friends for?”

Twilight watched Rarity leave and sighed. She looked around at the bookshelves that filled the room. Libraries normally made her feel at home, surrounded by the minds and souls of ponies long gone but preserved in their writings. Now the archives just felt big and empty.

Rarity was right; she should go visit Spike. He was probably lonely. And bored.

“Some trouble with your friends?” came a voice.

Twilight spun around to see an elderly stallion with a tan coat and white beard looking over the sorcery book. He was dressed in a simple gray cape and had a long, unkempt mane. She tried to calm herself and look dignified.

“Who are you?” she asked.

“We haven’t met,” he said without taking his eyes off the book. “I’ve heard a great deal about you though, Twilight Sparkle. Princess Celestia’s personal student, bearer of the Element of Magic, sorceress of the Emerald Circle” he smiled as he said those last words, and something about his smile frightened Twilight, though she tried not to show it. “Not everypony is suited for exaltation. It’s a great burden, especially for one with strong ties to the mortal world.”

“I’m not sure I like what you’re insinuating,” said Twilight. “Princess Celestia has every faith in my abilities; that should be enough for anypony.”

The stallion smiled that smile again, “Yes, of course. Princess Celestia.” He chuckled, and it was somehow more unpleasant than his smile. “I’ve known her for far longer than you have, Twilight Sparkle, and I can tell you that she’s nowhere near as infallible as you think. That’s why I’m here, in fact. You see, she gave you something of mine, and I’m here to take it back.”

Twilight retreated a step, “What are you talking about?”

His voice crescendoed as he spoke his next words, “Your wings, Sparkle. They’re mine, and I will have them!”

The stallion’s horn began to glow crimson, and Twilight knew that she was in danger. Her mind instantly went to her counterspell. Her eyes darted around, trying to see the target of the stallion’s spell.

She noticed too late. A whip-like tendril caught her by the leg. Several more whipped around her body. She tried to take to the air, but her wings were pinned to her sides by the tendrils. As she twisted around to see their source, she saw that they were vines growing from one of the table plants. She tried to direct a blast of dispelling magic at it, but as she felt the vines snaking their way around her neck, she knew that she couldn’t concentrate on the counterspell.

“I don’t know what Celestia saw in you,” said the stallion, stepping toward Twilight. The vines were rapidly tightening. They constricted around her chest and neck, cutting off her breathing. Her struggling was no use. Her growing panic didn’t give her the strength to break free.

“No matter,” said the Stallion. Twilight’s vision was fading, the encroaching blackness taking over her consciousness, just like in her dream. He kept talking as the blackness took her. “All will be made right shortly. You might even live to see it. Everypony will come to see how wrong they were to forget about me. I look forward to seeing the look on Celestia’s face when she realizes that Star Swirl the Bearded has returned to take his rightful place as an Exalted Prince of Equestria.”

Author's Note:

It's Pony Exalted!

Alright, since this is all based on Exalted, I'll be posting some of the Exalted stuff down here in the author's notes. Everything will be explained in the main story; this is just to give a concrete explanation of what's going on in Exalted game mechanics.

Alicorns are the local equivalent to Solar Exalted, the ancient god-monarchs and the mightiest of the Exalted. It fits. Mortal ponies don't have as strict rules. They range from true mortals to being equivalent to Dragon-Blooded, or Terrestrial Exalted, the weakest Exalt type.

Now, the only thing to really explain here is how sorcery works in Exalted. You can't just pick up a spellbook and start throwing fireballs around. There are three circles of sorcery, each more powerful but harder to attain than the one before it, and each requiring its own initiation. There is the First, Emerald, or Terrestrial circle, which can be attained by anyone capable of wielding essence, though Terrestrial Exalted have the easiest time. Next is the Second, Sapphire, or Celestial circle, which can be attained by any Celestial Exalted. Last is the Third, Adamant, or Solar Circle, only attainable by the Solar Exalted.

Comments

[AdrianVesper]

You look like you could use some feedback

Grammar is solid. Nothing jumped out to me as an issue. It shows that you care.

I don't get any real vibes of the canon characters being off or impostors, with the obvious exception of Pinkie. It seems like a strange choice, making her not really be Pinkie Pie. They seem to be acting in a fairly true and genuine matter, aside from a couple of things. For example, I found Applejack crying in the first chapter to be grandstanding, and not exactly true to her character. As an audience, we don't experience any emotional build leading up to this moment, so it's difficult to feel sad with her. The "background pony" gag is a pretty ripe offender. Your story seems to be relatively serious fantasy adventure fare; why shatter the suspension of disbelief with a fandom reference? (You have another one of these with Fluttertree.)

So far, your story is heavily on dialogue and rather sparse in detail. Setting the scene is important. As a general rule of thumb, don't open with a line of dialogue (unless the POV character is just waking up or something). It's disconcerting to open immediately with an action, like speaking, because if the scene can't be imagined the action exists in a void. Of course, there is a fine line here. Too much detail, and you have a host of adjectives and adverbs that don't really add anything.

Infodumping in author's notes is better than infodumping in the actual story, but there are better approaches. Details like what you're sharing should be worked into the story itself. There are good ways to include exposition, and there are times when things should be left a bit mysterious. How you're working the two settings together can be interesting to the audience, and it's better shown than told.

So far, this story gets off to a fairly fast start, which is good, but it feels like it's missing something. Opening with the dream sequence is pretty off-putting. It's probably a good idea to start off with things making sense. Presumably, Twilight "exalted" much the same way she did in the show, but that feels almost out of place with the other setting elements your including. I keep expecting some sort of flashback.

The conflict bursts through the doors rather suddenly. It's good to get the conflict into the picture as soon as possible, but I'd recommend hinting at it before throwing it out there in full. As it stands, there's absolutely no buildup before a villain is attacking the protagonist. There's no opportunity for the tension to gain traction before we're in a full-on crisis, and the moment of crisis is left without any impact.

In general, it's best to separate character thoughts from the text of the story, especially in the case of questions. Lines like "Why had she wanted to kill herself?" make it seem like you're asking the audience the question (the answer: I haven't got a clue). I'm guessing its Twilight asking herself the question, but in my humble opinion, it would be better presented as an italicized thought, like: "Why did I want to kill myself? Twilight wondered." This clearly shows that she is just in the dark about the weird dream as the audience.

There's some general telly-ness in your prose. For example, when you say, "A part of her was hurt that Applejack wasn’t being supportive, but another part just felt ashamed because she couldn’t deny what Applejack was saying." You're telling us what Twilight is feeling. In general, it's best for characters to show what they're feeling by what they say and do.

That's all I've got. It's good, but it's rough around the edges and could definitely use some polish.

[Swashbucklist]

Unlike AdrianVesper, I don't think the background pony nod was a reference to a meme; it sounds more like you were trying to temper the meme's notoriety by having Applejack use it as an existing phrase. If that's the case, I approve, but I also think you should have chosen a different pony to express that sentiment.

What does bother me is that Rarity and AJ desperately want Twilight back in Ponyville, but don't seem to care much about having Spike back. Applejack doesn't ask about him at all, and to Rarity he's just an afterthought. Some friends. They're more rude here than they were in the pilot episode, gushing over Twilight while ignoring the dragon as if his friendship couldn't possibly be as big a priority as that of their fellow pony. It's also borderline despicable that AJ is only tearing up over Twilight outliving everyone, but not Spike (unless he's a subspecies of dragon with a lifespan similar to ponykind's).

This ugly idea that Spike's closest friends don't feel the same way about him is the only thing about FiM (or MLP, in this case) that takes my good mood down a few notches and pushes me to dislike the mane six. Isn't the show about friendship, not racially exclusive friendship? Like Applejack the Hypocrite says, their Element status has never had anything to do with their personal lives.

Furthermore, AJ's reasoning behind her feelings of insignificance falls pretty flat against Spike's status as a servant who's only done manual labor and fax machine work as far as we know (and has only ever contributed to saving Equestrai). She's shedding tears over some incredibly selfish feelings.