The audience once again resumed cheering and clapping for their apathetic host as the game show quickly resumed.
Alex Trebek, monotone as ever, greeted the crowd in the stands. “Welcome back to Equestrian Jeopardy: Unicorn Challenge. We would first like to send an apology to all Diamond Dogs who were offended by being called ‘Rock humpers.’ Rest assured, we are carefully monitoring Mr. Connery this round to prevent any other vocal mishaps.”
Despite not being on camera, a hearty laugh could be heard from the side lines.
“Anyways,” Trebek continued, “let’s review our contestant’s scores. First we have Trix-“
“That is THE Great and Powerful Trixie to you! Mind your manners Mr. Trebek for you are in the presence of…” she whipped her star speckled cape over her front, half masking her face and then immediately afterwards ripped it off and a show of fireworks, albeit small, dazzled the stage. “TRIXIE!”
Ducking from a stray explosion, the anchor replied, “unsurprisingly, that’s the eighth time she’s done that tonight. It’s a miracle she still has anything under that cape… moving on… the Great and Powerful Trixie has negative four hundred points.
Next we have Sweetie Belle with negative two thousand points, which is still impressive when she disproved us about things that can go in bowls… specifically toast.”
The young filly grinned from ear to ear.
“Simply adorable. And last we have… and I don’t know how he got on to this episode, but we of course have Sean Connery with negative four thousand points.”
“Oh Trebek, you know I got on here because I was a stallion feeling a bit horny.”
“You do realize you said that in front of a mere child Mr. Connery. Trixie is appalled,” Trix- oh no wait I just wrote that.
“Yesh and you’re a whiney bitch,” he astutely jested. Sweetie Belle thankfully didn’t seem to be paying attention during the insult or when the blue unicorn was charging her horn in retaliation.
“Before we burn down the studio, let’s introduce our categories. We have:
‘Potent Potables’
‘Alexander the Great’
‘Isotopes’
‘Cake or not?’ In this category we show you a picture and you say if it’s a cake.
‘Famous Assassinations’
‘Best Pony’ Just say a pony and you win, I don’t really care who…
And ‘Various fabrics’.
“Trixie, will-“
“Ahem.”
A sigh that could fill a blimp in one swoop escaped from his mouth. “The Great and Powerful Trixie, it’s still your board.”
“The Great and Powerful Trixie will choose ‘Best Pony’ for six hundred,” she humbly stated. “And as an added measure, Trixie would like to answer the question before the card is removed.”
“Can she do that?” Sweetie Belle asked from her podium.
“Not really, but at the risk of another fireworks display I’ll let it slide.”
“Very well, the answer to your question is… TRIXIE!”
“You forgot your suffix ma’am, the great and stupid whore,” Sean added with contempt, slightly miffed that somepony was show boating more than he.
“Actually Mr. Connery, we still have yet to read the card.” The slide blocking the card was moved out of the way. “Naming someone other than yourself, name a Best Pony.” The great and dumbfounded Trixie dropped her great and low jaw.
*Bring!* “Who is Rarity!”
“Th-that’s a correct answer Ms. Belle. We may have some hope for the future yet!” Trebek added with enthusiasm. “The board is yours.”
“I want ‘Various Fabrics’ for eight hundred, please.”
The question was revealed. “What is the fabric made at a Cotton Plantation?”
*Bring!* “What is silk?” Sweetie Belle buzzed in.
“Unfortunately, that is incorrect. And you broke our game show’s record of most correct responses in a row… one.
“Dumb Fabric…”
*Bring!* “What is Trixie’s amazing clothes?”
“Close… but again no. Mr. Connery, since they both failed to answer the question correctly, it is now your board.”
“I’ll take ‘Alex is a Famous Ass’ for six hundred.”
“Mr. Connery that’s not a-…”
“I thought we frisked you before you came in Mr. Connery.”
“You did, Trebek. And you did find a marker, but you stopped searching, thinking I wouldn’t bring two.”
“Clearly next time we need to beef up our security…”
Intervening for no apparent reason, Sweetie Belle asked, “Mr. Connery? What’s your cutie mark?”
Sean had to do a double take at the cream colored filly.
“Clearly it’s a brick dearest citizen, for his talent is having no intelligence or surreal presence what-so-ever. But who can showcase their talents near the Great and Powerful Trixie?” she rhetorically finished.
“Yesh, and I imagine you do quite well at the Men’s Club too.”
Seeing the rising tension, Alex Trebek interrupted, “how about we all go to final Jeopardy? The ques- y’know what? Let’s make it really easy tonight since we have Ms. Sweetie belle with us tonight. Write down any math problem, any problem at all, and then answer it.”
The jingle-that-will-get-stuck-in-your-head-for-days played out for a about fifteen seconds before the timer range, announcing that it was time to show results.
“First up, we have Great and Powerful Trixie, who answered:”
“Zero divided by zero. This looks rather promising. And you answered with:”
“Simply astonishing… Next we have Sweetie Belle who answered:
“with…a basic factoring problem. And she answered with:
“The… correct… answers and with work shown. Ms. Trixie I think when you answered the Best Pony question, you should have said ‘Sweetie Belle’!... but last and certainly least we have Sean Connery who answered with:”
“one minues eight hundred… this looks surprisingly promising Mr. Connery. Are you quite alright?”
“Quiet Trebek, I feel just fine.”
“Glad to see you’re still there. You answered with:”
“THE GREAT AND POWERFUL TRIXIE IS GOING TO END YOU, YOU STUPID PIECE OF ASS!”
Hurdling over her and Sweetie Belle’s stands, Trixie pounced on Sean Connery who then repeatedly started to punch his face. Likewise, Sean Connery began to punch her face and the two tussled on to the floor. Sweetie belle was humming a tune all to herself, eyes closed.
“And that’s all the time we have for tonight. Join us next week when we hopefully have guests that don’t try and kill each other…”
A/N: If you see an error, please point it out! Looks like I will be doing more of these. Don't expect updates too often though, I can only write these when I'm in a certain mood.
Jeopardy parody crossover fan fiction, Yay! I love the bit with the marker and it was nice to see Connery insult Trixie in the most vulgar Connery way possible.
Sean Connery is now my hero, hands down. If I could do that to Trixie, I totally would ... and then win in the ensuing fist/hoof fight that would come.
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Wow, thanks! I'm really glad to see that this is still steadily gaining attention! When this first was published on the site, it didn't recieve well so I'm glad it's getting more followers!
It's going to be tough coming up with the next set (honestly, Sweetie Belle didn't feel right for this chapter, but I don't want to use the mane 6 until much later) but I hope not to let anypony down! Also... how the hell does Sweetie Bell know how to factor 0-0?
Trebek's always been too lax on Sean. It seems in bad taste given the men's club crack, but Trixie may have more balls than him.
I'd love to find out how Connery got in, though, if he's not a unicorn. I know for the rock artist edition he'd released an album comprised entirely of dirty limericks, but... damn, the shenanigans that had to be pulled to make it on this round must've been epic. Or catastrophic. Preferably both.
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I still vote for a Music edition of Equestrian Jeopardy, just because there are so many options.There's Pinkie Pie, Sapphire Shores, Vinyl Scratch, Octavia, Bluenote, Golden Melody(Blue Grass) and Frederic Horseshoepin.
I mean there are tons of popular side characters and background characters like: Mac, Cheerilee, Braeburn, Zecora, Burt Reynolds(Turd Ferguson), etc.
Oh,and by the way Sweetie Bell was both hilarious and adorable
Oh well played
Sean Connery is always the best in SNL Jeopardy next to Sharon Osbourne
If you have trouble reading a fanfic because you can't stop giggling the entire time, something went right.
I may just suck at math, but how is Sweetie Belle's answer(s) right?
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It's basic factoring, however in her first panel I did neglect to put the power above the 4X and in both I should have clarified that it was a solution. Seriously... ugh, so many mistakes.
Someone has a new favorite comedic fanfic on FIMFiction! I loved Celebrity Jeopardy, and this is spot on! Even better, it's got ponies this time around! This just cheered me up after I had a rotten 24 hours. Thanks, man! "You forgot your suffix, ma'am...the great and stupid whore." Boom! That is SNL Sean Connery to a T!
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I cannot tell you how much that means to me. I hope you enjoy the rest of these, hopefully I'll have more to come soon!
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Thanks! I appreciate the comment!
All the images have been replaced thanks to Photobucket. Is there anywhere I can see the originals?