Deep Waters
Upheaval: Reckoning
Chapter 24: Deep Waters
‘Oh, Clover the Clever, just how deep did you delve?’
More of the spidery scrip seemed to float before Luna as she turned the page.
Doing all this deciphering in the presence of Starswirl the Bearded’s coffin was a little uncomfortable, but Terrato had insisted on delaying its burial until he was absolutely sure it was not needed elsewhere. Luna had agreed reluctantly. Propriety demanded that they treat the corpse with respect, but worse things than being improper would happen if it turned out that they actually needed it.
As for the actual work, progress has been slow. Not only did she have to be constantly disturbed by her other responsibilities, the actual reading was difficult. It was clear now why Clover the Clever wasn't called Clover the Elegant Writer. The book was also written in reverse, much to Luna’s irritation. There didn't even seem to be any purpose except to hinder anypony trying to make heads or tails of what was written.
The earlier sections dealt with an incomplete, and crude version of an ascension ritual. Luna didn't bother too much with this part. Terrato had created a complete, and more efficient one. It did impress on her that Clover the Clever was aware of Oceanus’s spark within each mortal pony. This part only served to ensure that this book’s contents must not spread.
The next section included notes on the poison Clover used on Starswirl. Again, more known information. Interestingly, this section resembled a cross between laboratory notes, and a diary.
“That mud-brained donkey just added bells to his hat. Bells! He looks like jester going around the villages to amuse foals with bowl-shaping spells, and pyrotechnics! At this rate, they’ll forget that he was a great spellcaster. All I’ll be known as is the disciple of Starswirl the Clown!”
Luna shook her head. Just how angry and obsessed did one pony have to be to jot these tiny ramblings down alongside serious work? The notes themselves were meticulous, almost too detailed. Clover savored developing this section. Several pages were dedicated solely to gloating over the deed. Luna suspected that the coffin was not much of a further use. It was a remnant of Clover the Clever’s obsession with surpassing her mentor, and should be buried at last.
Finally, Luna reached a section involving something new. And disturbing. First was the mention of Princess Platinum’s discovery of Regia Carnifex. The notes became more difficult to read. Clover’s writing worsened with her excited pace. Various spells, all attempts to free Regia Carnifex were listed down, each one written off as a failure.
“A handmaiden of the Deep Father contacted me today. She called herself Lunalux Umbra, and told me who the pony in the crystal was.”
“Nightmare Moon,” Luna muttered. “Of course she was involved somehow.”
“Lunalux Umbra offered to merge with me, but I refused. I will rise in the Deep Father’s service on my own.”
Luna’s frown deepened as she skimmed over more pages of ranting. These were becoming more prevalent now. As time went along, Clover became more prone to these delusions of grandeur. She couldn't stop talking about her “Everlasting Kingdom”. Hours passed before something useful showed up.
“The key lies in Regia Carnifex. Through him, I can create a mental link to the Deep Father himself, and I can do so as far as being a mile away. I cannot do this now with the Deep Father still slumbering, but the chances of success will rise as the time of his return draws nearer.”
Luna turned the pages more carefully now. After wading through Clover's crazy, this was a relief. The words filled her with foreboding. More than a thousand years had passed since this was written and Oceanus’s time was all but looming over them. The next several pages were filled with rants against Lexarius. She had to smile, as she read on.
“I must get to the Crystal Grave. The spell is ready. With the amplifier Pudding Head and Smart Cookie created, I can break through the seals that Lexarius created and loose the Deep Father’s weapon upon him.”
Luna stopped on “amplifier” for a while. The ponies in charge of sifting through the hidden archives mentioned nothing about such a thing.
“The amplifier is gone. Curse you, Rock Maven! There is no time to lose, I must make it to the Refuge Burrows, and take it from him.”
The archive ponies mentioned Rock Maven before. So whatever “amplifier” that Pudding Head and Smart Cookie came up with was taken by the founder of the True Earth Ponies. Was it still with them? Was it lost when the True Earth Ponies migrated to the Barrier Lands?
“I am in danger of being caught. Lexarius has been persistent. I have no choice but to write the spell down. If I fail, a true son or daughter of the Deep Father will take up our rightful destiny one day. For now, our Everlasting Kingdom must sleep along with the Deep Father until the time is right.”
That was the last entry as far as Clover’s movements were concerned. Luna turned one more page out of curiosity. What was this spell that this deluded mare had accomplished? At the turn of the page, however, Luna suddenly realized that she had made a mistake. The spidery letters, much bigger than how the rest of the book was written, danced before her eyes. She tried to look away, but found herself frozen on the spot. Each letter burned itself into her mind. It was a slow slide to completely reading.
The floor beneath Luna disappeared. After a vague splashing sound, she was suddenly, and completely, submerged in water. The Chamber of Harmony had turned into darkness so deep that she couldn't even see her own hoof in front of her. She tried to cast a spell, but her power fizzled before she could even begin. Fighting her rising panic, she tried to get her bearing. The transition was so fast, and the darkness so total that she didn't even know if she was upside down or not. The freezing water pricked at her skin like hundreds of tiny needles.
“What…is…this? It…is…not yet…time…”
The languid voice was barely a whisper. The sound gripped Luna’s heart tightly. Oceanus. She had never seen him, or heard him speak before. All she knew of the firstborn was from what she heard, and read within the Eternal Herd. Still, she recognized this voice, and she refused to answer, physically, or mentally. Unfortunately, that meant that she had to stop thinking and, deprived of every one of her senses, that was impossible.
Something touched one of her hooves.
It was some kind of snake, or a tentacle, no thicker than typical rope. It was so cold, it stood out of the freeing water. It wrapped around her left hind leg, gently tugging her towards its direction. She tried to pull away, but the tentacle held her fast. A second one wrapped itself around her other hind leg.
There was no fighting back the panic anymore. Her lungs starting to burn, Luna struggled to free herself, but all she accomplished was entangle herself even more. A third tentacle wrapped around her torso, pinning both her wings in place. Its tip rested where her cutie mark was.
“Luna…”
Disgust mingled with panic. More of the vile limbs tangled themselves around Luna. All her legs were now stretched out in different directions. Another one coiled itself around her neck, and made its way to her face.
“I…am your king…swear…fealty.”
Unable to open her mouth, Luna could only shake her head. Something was welling up inside her, something that wanted desperately to say yes. With her lungs starting to give way, she gave up physically struggling, and focused everything on holding back this part of her. Even that was a losing battle.
Oceanus’s voice was gathering strength. Though still weak, its confidence was unmistakable. “You let Umbra inside…you have no defense against me. Upon my return…I will call you to my side… and you will answer joyously…”
Luna felt herself slipping away. The tentacles effortlessly pulled her under, dragging her deeper and deeper into the abyss. The freezing pain had gone away, replaced by a numbing ache.
“Luna!”
Terrato’s shout broke through the oppressive nothingness. Luna’s eyes fluttered open as a pair of powerful forelegs wrapped around her torso. The next thing she knew, she had fallen on a hard, stone floor. She took a great lungful of air, and coughed violently.
“Terrato, she’s freezing and soaking wet!”
That sounded like Celestia. Luna tried to look around, but she could barely make out anything. She tried to rise, only to flop against the floor. All she could make out was that she was somewhere that had light, and she was shivering uncontrollably. Two pairs of forelegs wrapped around her in a tight hug.
“Hold still!” Terrato said. He exhaled loudly. Warmth, blessed and much needed warmth, enveloped her, taking away the chill that gnawed at her bones. This wasn't the warmth of sunlight, but of the great heat within the earth itself. Luna pressed against her siblings, and savored the feeling. Then, she caught a whiff of something that accompanied that wonderful warmth.
Celestia was already gagging when Luna noticed it. Her nose wrinkled, and she poked her brother with a hoof weakly. “Big brother!” she said.
“What?” Terrato asked.
“Your breath reeks of booze!" Luna said. "I swear, if I had a match, I could light it on fire right now!”
“Don’t be a prissy milksop!” Terrato said, the chagrin unmistakable in his voice. “I was sharing a barrel with some of the officers when you decided to take your little swim. You shouldn't complain when you smell of salt spray, and dead fish, little sister!”
“I asked you to get rid of those extra barrels stashed in the palace, Terrato,” Celestia said.
“What did you think we were doing?”
Celestia was about to say something else, but she shifted her attention to Luna instead. “Are you feeling better now?” she asked. “What happened?”
Luna nodded. Her coat was dry, and she had already cast her own spells to quickly recover. “That Clover…” she said. “She’s created a spell that could link to Oceanus’s realm by drawing from Regia Carnifex’s proximity.”
Terrato's eyes narrowed. Luna guessed that he arrived at the same conclusion she did. The power of Oceanus would be enough to break through the seals. There wasn't even any need to release Regia Carnifex. His dormant form simply needed to be close.
“Is that what happened to you? You linked to Oceanus’s realm?” Celestia asked.
“I think,” Luna replied. She looked at her siblings. This was the first time she had seen the two of them so close in a long, long time. “Clover needed an amplifier developed by Pudding Head, and Smart Cookie, but it may not be needed with the ninth rebellion so close.” She paused. “How did you two get here anyway?”
“I was taking care of some reports when I just felt that something terrible was happening here,” Celestia said. “I rushed over to see, and I met Terrato along the way.”
“I felt the same thing,” Terrato said. “When we got here, you were floating, and your eyes were glowing. We had to snap you out of it. When we did, you were suddenly soaking wet, and freezing. Just what did you see while you were in that spell?”
“It was too dark to see anything,” Luna replied. “He was there, though. I heard him speak.” Her voice trembled. “He toyed with me as if I was some helpless foal, and he was barely even awake!”
“It’s alright,” Celestia said. “It’s over now, and there’s no need to feel ashamed. Oceanus had the might to challenge our father, remember?”
Luna nodded. She kept silent about the horrible feeling of joy she felt when Oceanus was speaking. There were too many worries already. On the day of the ninth rebellion, she was going to have to find the strength to resist the firstborn's influence. She nestled between her two siblings, seeking more of their warmth. ‘You’re wrong, Oceanus,’ she thought. ‘I still have some defense against you.’
She opened her eyes for the first time in what felt like years. Her entire body still felt numb and heavy. A fly buzzed around her head, then landed on her ear. When that ear flicked instinctively, she suddenly became aware that she had control over her body again. She stood up, only to find herself chained to the spot. Her wings were bound tightly to her sides. She was also wearing a set of reins, and a bridle. Pain suddenly shot through her body, forcing her to kneel down. She looked towards her flank, and found it wrapped in bloody bandages.
‘Where am I?’
Even thinking that lone thought felt like trying to squeeze water out of a rock. Her head felt so heavy, and she looked at the world through a haze of garbled, unfinished thoughts. All she could tell was that she was inside some kind of tent. What had happened? She tried to remember the last few events before she fell unconscious. Her eyes squinted from the effort, but all that came to mind was a dim moment of flying, and then falling.
She shrank on instinct when the tent's flap suddenly rose. A monstrous snake slithered inside. It was around six feet from its nose to its tail, and was covered in dull brown scales. It had a muscular torso, more like an ape's than a snake's, and a pair of arms sprouted from its side. Golden, unblinking, reptilian eyes appraised her coldly while a pair hands rubbed against each other in anticipation.
“The coatl-pony is finally awake,” the snake creature hissed. “Good, good, now you can stop being dead-weight.” It fiddled with a ring of keys, and unlocked the chains that kept her bound. With one hand, it grabbed hold of the reins, and tugged at them, forcing her to take a step forward. “Move, coatl-pony!”
She tried to pull back, but the snake creature was relentless. Her hooves dragged on the ground as it continued to pull. Coatl-pony? That wasn't her name. Her name was…it was…she shook her head. It was…something. It was just so hard to think. With a powerful tug, the snake creature pulled her out of the tent. She looked upward, and saw a starry night sky.
“Stand here,” the snake creature hissed. It pulled her to a spot in front of the tent, where several ponies came surrounded them; all of them pegasi. She tried to pull away again. She didn't like all the eyes on her, but the chains were heavy, and snake creature held her in place. The nearby ponies eyed her with indifference. “This one’s spirited,” the snake creature crowed. “The Befuddling Grass extract is fogging her brain up, but she still insists on putting up a fight!” It produced some kind of pointed prod, shaped to resemble a snake fang. With one swift flick of the wrist, it pricked her back.
She cried out and fell to her knees. The tiny wound burned as if a red-hot poker had been jabbed into her back. Her body seized up, and the pain spread to her legs.
“Nasty isn't it?” the snake creature hissed. “This is called ‘Emperor’s Tears’. It does little lasting damage, but even a drop is pure pain.” It held its face close to hers. “Do you want me to prick you again?”
Tears welling up in her eyes, she shook her head. The pain was already subsiding, and she didn't want to feel it anymore.
“Get up,” the snake creature said. It produced something else in its other hand. This time it looked like a small piece of white bread. “Eat this.” She took a sniff when the snake creature held it up close to her snout. “Now!”
Still frightful of the awful sting, she bit the piece, and ate it. The piece was chewy, and a little tough. She hadn't even swallowed when she started to feel a sense of elation, like a soothing balm, briefly washing over her. For a few seconds, she simply stood there dumbfounded, and expecting more. By the time she swallowed, however, the feeling was gone.
“And that is called ‘Fool’s Cap’ or, as you ponies call it, ‘the ‘shrooms’. Obey me, and you may yet find out what a full dose feels like.” She closed her eyes, trying to hold on to the lingering traces of euphoria. The snake creature shook her out of it, and forced her to stand again. “Hold still.”
The snake creature grabbed hold of her head, and began to feel around her face. “Skull is in good condition,” it said. “No deformities.” Nearby, one pegasus was writing on a piece of paper. The snake creature’s fingers pried into her lips, eventually forcing her to open her mouth. “Teeth are complete, and healthy.”
The snake creature’s hands moved down her neck, then torso. “Small build. Wings are well developed. Hips are narrow, possible problems with breeding. Coat is in good condition.” Its scaly hands moved down her legs. She shuddered when it took hold of a hoof, and lifted it. “Legs are strong. Hooves show no signs of cracking.” It grabbed her tail, and held it up with both hands. “Mane and tail are in excellent condition. And the coloration…” The snake creature sounded breathless. “Remarkable.”
She shrank on the spot. The constant staring and attention was too much. She was about to breathe a sigh of relief when the inspection was done, when its grip on her tail tighten. Before she could tell what was going on, it lifted her tail for several seconds, and stared intently. Satisfied, it released its grip. “Clean, and healthy,” it hissed. “Hassyth’s sources were not exaggerating. This one is an excellent find. We must get her to Ophidus as quickly as possible.”
“Mistress Hashymissa,” one of the pegasi said. “The other one is still struggling. Should we use the Befuddling Grass extract on him too?”
“No,” Hashymissa replied. “Scarlet is too angry, and too familiar with us. It won’t have any effect on him. A pity too. It is likely that we are bringing him back only for Hassyth to personally cut his losses. Make sure his bonds are secure, and load him into the cart. As for this one…” Hashymissa rubbed her hands together. “Such a find. This mare will ensure that we live in luxury for the rest of our lives.”
Hashymissa grabbed hold of the reins. Exhausted, humiliated, and still unable to think straight, she could only let herself be led away.
Sugarcube Corner, once one of Ponyville’s busiest places, now found itself in a particular bind. Many of its valued customers had been drafted, and had already gone off to the training camp near Cloudsdale. A few ponies still occupied the tables, and enjoyed their famous pastries, but the mood was not what it used to be. Both Cakes knew that it likely will never be what it used to. They turned their heads at the sound of one of their foals was crying.
“I’ll get it,” Carrot Cake said with a smile. He trotted off. Cup Cake could only sigh, and be glad that he was still around. Ponies with very young foals were not expected to join up. Some of the legionnaires conducting the draft were not happy with this, but they followed their rules without complaint.
The last customer of the day had just finished paying when the door to the bakery burst open. Cup Cake looked worriedly to see what had happened. To her shock, it was Pinkie. She was drenched with sweat, and gasping for air. She took a few steps into the bakery, then collapsed.
“Pinkie!” Cup Cake exclaimed. She ran over to the fallen pony, hesitant as to whether she should help Pinkie to her hooves, or get her something to drink.
“Mrs. Cake!” Pinkie gasped. “Where’s Mr. Cake? And the twins? Are they safe? They’re not hurt are they?”
“They’re fine, dearie,” Cup Cake said. “Certainly in much better condition than you. Come on, let’s get you to a sofa. Goodness, what happened to you?”
“They’re fine?” Pinkie’s face brightened. “That’s wonderful!” The happy expression quickly crumbled into fresh worry. “Quick, you have to get to Canterlot! I can make sure you’re safe better there! And I have to get to Canterlot! She could be after my friends!” Pinkie started to head for the door, but Cup Cake pulled her back.
“Hold on a minute here!” Cup Cake said. “What are you talking about? Why should we go to Canterlot? And why do you need to get there?”
“The pony wasp! I mean Stable Seal! I mean Sablesteel! She’s out to get ponies who are important to me, but I don’t know who!" She struggled against Cup Cake’s hold, but she couldn't break free.
“What’s going on out here?” Carrot Cake asked. He walked back into the bakery with the twins sitting on his back. Both Pumpkin, and Pound Cake looked delighted to see Pinkie again. “Pinkie? Shouldn't you be in Canterlot? How did you even get here? Wait a minute…did you actually run here?”
“She says that somepony is out to get us, honey,” Cup Cake said. “Some kind of seal…or was it a wasp?”
“Sablesteel!” Pinkie exclaimed. “She could still be out to get you! I need you somewhere nearby!”
“Pinkie, I’m glad that you care so much, but you can’t just expect us to suddenly move to Canterlot this very minute,” Cup Cake said. “We’d have to relocate our whole business and--”
“But you’ll die!” Pinkie Pie covered her mouth with her hooves after that outburst. Both Cakes looked at her in shock. Pumpkin started to cry, and her brother soon followed.
“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, but I…I just don’t know what to do! She could be out there right now! She...she--” She struggled to break free from Cup Cake, but she was just so exhausted.
“Pinkie, it’s alright.” Cup Cake rubbed Pinkie's fluffy mane. “We’re going to be alright.”
Pinkie tried to say something else, but her lips quivered, then she simply burst into tears. She buried her face against Cup Cake, and sobbed. “I-I just don’t--”
“Shush now, Pinkie,” Cup Cake said. “We’ll get through this.”
“You just stay here for the night,” Carrot Cake added. “Not even you can run from Canterlot, to Ponyville, and back again. You get some sleep. Tomorrow, things will be clearer.”
Pinkie let herself be mollified, and brought towards her old room. As she started to climb the stairs, however, she seemed to catch a glimpse of something by the window. She blinked several times, and looked harder. The Cakes also looked, but saw nothing. Pinkie bit her lip and trembled. It was all that both Cakes could do to keep her from bolting.
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Rainbow, I knew this was going to happen to you... Though i have an idea of how you are going to fix it but that's all it is, an idea dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/Rainbow_Dash_lolface.png
And i still love this story, SO MUCH going on.
Oh no, Rainbow D:
Wowzzers. Will Luna answer Oceanus' commands and come to his side when he calls?
cant wait for the next chapter
So many things happening at the same time...
I'm scared for Dash. Dark moments could be ahead of her...Well, in fact, dark moments are near for everypony...
Suddenly, i hate the Ophidites with the force of a thousand burning pulsar stars
and
because i pictured Derpy Hooves flying in with her muffin cannon
916833
I'm worried for Luna.
O...kay
Luna just got sucked into Oceanus' realm for a moment and she was tainted by Nightmare Moon so she might betray Equestria... or something... interesting
RD is drugged and being taken to Ophidus - I expect some indoctrination and a lot of potion use on the way and possibly Scarlet trying to save her by reminding her who she is. It's pretty hard to say at this point is RD strong enough to suppress that indoctrination on her own.
And Pinkie is worried about Cakes and not her real family. And we know that Sablesteel promised not to go against her family, probably her real family, co cakes are a fair game... so there is a chance for confrontation here.
And that's not even half of the plots that we're following. There's also Rarity, Twi and AJ's love triangle with Vanguard and Fluttershy's story that hasn't been touched upon yet.
Fun.
Oh Dash...
I'm worried for everyone!
urgh won't it be fun if Luna does join Oceanus due to some mind control spell or something... I mean it's not like her brother just recently got over the last time she betrayed them, that time when he was ordered to murder her. Unless of course the power of brotherly love can pull her out of the control
...i'll call the funeral service.
“The pony wasp! I mean Stable Seal! I mean Sablesteel! She’s out to get ponies who are important to me but I don’t know who!(") She struggled against Cup Cake’s hold but couldn’t break free.” - I think the last part shouldn't be in quotations. Excellent as always, keep it up!
MOOOOOAAARR!!!!
...please?
Aaah, I was expecting an Oceanus segment with that title. Interesting, to say the least. I'm curious what Luna can find out to resist his influence when he inevitably turns up.
Unfortunately, this chapter contains quite a number of mistakes in the way of slip-ups in tense and some typos. Give your pre-readers a good kick and have them pay special attention to that.
Another thing is that Luna mentions how her brother devised a "complete and more efficient ascension ritual". I was under the impression that it was Black Rose who did that, she merely got access to the archives of the Eternal Herd through Terrato.
Decent chapter overall, but seems to lack polish. I can't help but get the impression that you desperately tried to pump this out to keep up with the regularity with which you had been updating this story in the past. Don't do that please, not at the cost of quality. To begin with, larger chapters (and therefore slower updates) would benefit your story and its various subplots a lot, but I think I mentioned that already in a previous comment.
I just feel sorry for Luna no matter what she tries, anything, always links back to her past and that Mistake that changed anything.
Now from a Readers standpoint that is a very interesting Standpoint of Character Development for my favorite Pony from the Story's standpoint I hope she can resist Oceanus’s temptations and muster some from of Defense with the Help of her Siblings when the Time comes.
Gaaa! I have to wait for again!
xD I think I'll probably end up rereading Breaking Point and this one as well once they're done. I'm enjoying the story though and I'm really looking forward to reading the rest! 
lol shrooms,
and apparently Rainbow doesn't have them wide birthing hips
joking aside i really can't wait for the next chapter, so much danger in the imminent future
Hmmm...
Will Rainbow Dash be loyal and go back to her friends or will she be a druggie? Probably be loyal- but who knows?
I hope RD rainbow-nukes the shit out of those snake bastards.
Don't worry just yet, Rainbow Dash is still in Equestria-Proper , hopefully a search party is launched once Pinkie gets of her lazy ass and goes back to Canterlot to tell the others.
I mean really, one of her friends are in danger and shes just going to sleep...
917270
actually Terrato was the one who came up with the ritual. He never told Black Rose about it but she somehow found out about it or made her own, I can't remember.
917270 if you remember back to Chapter 48 of Breaking Point, Terrato did indeed create the ascendancy ritual, but decided to not use it at the very last moment, and destroyed his research, but Black Rose found it, and started using it in secret
I do have to agree that some of these chapters do feel a little rushed, please Visiden, take as long as you need to write these, we are willing to wait for writing of such quality, and if there will be a schedule change or a hiatus that we should be informed of, there's a blog function of this site designed exactly for that purpose, you should come out from your (metaphorical) cave high in the mountains more often
917394 if you're planning on re-reading it, why not re-listen to it? The AWESOME Forest Rain has been putting out readings of it and is currently on chapter 33 (he usually gets out one chapter a week) [link], Forest's voice is perfect for the grimdark setting, and the voices he does for each character are very good (he's a guy in his 20's so his female voices aren't perfect, especially canon characters), plus did I mention that Vanguard supposedly sounds like Solid Snake? (I've never played Metal Gear Solid, so this is from other people) *rants on about the audio quality being perfect and that Forest's readings have made my standards so high that I can't listen to any other fan-fiction reading*, he does mess up the ocasional word, but he's gotten pretty good at the editing, I haven't heard a mess up in the past few chapters
918702
918743
Thanks for the reminder. I think I should re-read the whole thing at some point. Makes for a much more satisfying experience.
918756 see my recommendation of Forest Rain's reading, adds a whole other dimension to the experience
918781
I have nothing but respect for the effort that guy put into his work, but audiobooks (no matter the actual quality) don't do anything for me. Nothing beats the voices in my head (unless in those rare moments where they're telling me to kill all of you).
"Hashymissa rubbed her hands together as she stared at Rainbow. “Such a find. This mare will ensure that we live in luxury for the rest of our lives!”
img845.imageshack.us/img845/9466/anonymousrolledarandomi.jpg
932471
It's not video, it's narrative, and in narrative, you describe things only as they become pertinent.
Unless you're using Third Person Omnipotent, which I do believe this is not, and which is not 'in season' contemporarily.
Lovely. After several weeks of reading, I have finally finished the entire story up to this point. I look forward to following it to the end.
Finally decided to read through Breaking point and this story, and while both are great works I feel that Reckoning is becoming a bit top heavy with politics and intrigue. I honestly became bored with the storyline once it shifted from the fascinatingly grim Barrier Lands to the familiar surroundings of Equestria Proper, simply because it's stuff we've seen before.
Frankly, I feel the story is suffering from too much exposition, too much spinning the wheels in the mud and making a already complex story even more so. You're telling when you should be showing, essentially.
That said, I'll continue to read it though I believe that I'll wait and allow for a large chunk of chapters to be built up before I do.
And one last thing. When you've completed the entire story, I think that you should head back in and do some editing and re-writing. There are more cases in both Breaking Point and Reckoning that come off as flat when they shouldn't be simply because of poor word choice and sentence structure. I won't do the snobby thing and say 'stick your head in a Thesaurus!', but a wider range of words wouldn't hurt, especially when the royals are speaking.
What I'D like to know is... why doesn't this fanfic have its own TV Tropes page yet?!
Will someone help?! Yea or nay?!
933012 okay, I'll admit that you generally focus on the 'important' stuff first, then pay attention to the surroundings, and the line 'All of that was noticed later however.' shows this mistake, but I write this off as an amateur mistake (this is fan-fiction after all), but yes now that we've seen it brought up, it should be addressed in at least future chapters (are you reading this Visiden?)
937104 somewhere in the story, 'other heavenly realms' were mentioned and that the Eternal Herd's relations to them would be affected, but we haven't gotten anymore detail yet on them (and just when we thought the story couldn't get more complex...)
so I assume that each species have its own heavenly realm, and that relations between them aren't really affected by what goes on in the mortal world, only big stuff really matters, like one of the nine rebellions happening, or something of equal importance (like there being a new alicorn, and a rouge one at that)
945416 I do have to admit that Reckoning is seeming a little top heavy on the exposition at times, though I'm not really seeing politics coming into this, unless you're talking about the Eternal Herd
Breaking Point was about the Mane6 adjusting to the Barrier Lands, the seventh rebellion, and Black Rose's plan to steal Celestia's power Reckoning is looking to be about the Heartland coming to grips with the fact that there's an war going on (still waiting on that chosen bootcamp chapter Visiden), Black Rose's plan to use the Thorns to test the Mane6, and Spike's training with Seethe Scale
any specific examples on the 'show, not tell' point? because I don't see how the story can show and not tell with the the Old Kingdom plot line at least, given that that all happened 1k+ in the past
yes this story does seem to suffer from Four Lines All Waiting, because of all the plot lines it has going on, I can certainly see the benefit of waiting for a couple of chapters to come out before reading them
again, specific examples for the editing and word choice would probably help Visiden out, because I don't really notice anything, plus if his fanfiction.net profile is anything to go on, he's(?) from the Philippines so English may not be his first language
I love how it took me only 8 hours to finish reading the story before this and this one up to this point
dashy's on shrooms o:
The RD and Scarlet story is interesting and could develop very differently depending on Scarlet's reactions. Either his past experience will enable him to withstand the indoctrination and he'll become a strong rock for Dash to rely on, or he will snap right back into his conditioning and after a couple days Dash will be more scared of him then the ophridites. (probably the first.)
The ophridites will almost definitely want to breed their two best racers and of course race them against each other at some point. Many things could happen; though I'm guessing at one stage they will be in a situation where Scarlet will be about to rape Dash and then something will interrupt, and then later they will race, Dash will win and shortly after they will escape.
Trying to breed Rainbow and Scarlet should be a spectacle.