Won’t you come out to play....?
Inspired by the YouTube video [SFM] Pink by MAN_ticore, all rights belong to those who own them.....
But I shouldn’t need to explain that..........
-----
A faint voice in the dark, a light flashed before the eyelids of the young man as the lights flickered on and off. A sharp pain in his head, like a thousand needles repeatedly pricking into his skin, and again the lights turned, on and off.
There was no way to tell where he was with his eyes closed. He tried to bury the pain in the recesses of his mind, forcing his eyes open, squinting against the light. His eyes opened slowly, as not to draw attention to the suffering his eyes felt against the lights. The constant flickering above him drew his attention away from the stabbing sensations he felt.
The pain in his head, as he would say it, felt like an ice pick attached to a jack hammer being charged by a quantum drive reactor moving at speeds that go faster than sound. Creative he was, but it did little to distract his mind from the burning sensations. He hissed as he clutched his head to try to quell the pain that he was feeling. He was forced to close his eyes again to shield them from the blinding light above.
He crawled upright, his back against the wall. The flickering light flashing through his eyelids like warning lights in the distance. Despite the jack-hammering his head was getting, he had to open his eyes soon, to at least see what was around him. He strained to open his eyes against the constant flashes of light. What greeted him when he finally opened his eyes didn’t raise his spirits...
The ground was black and charred, what from? He didn’t know. There was something in the corner of the room though. It looked... it looked like...
A skull.
A human skull!
It was pale white from age and sat in the corner of the room. Its black depthless eyes stared at him, almost as if it could actually see him like it once used to, its jaw open in an eternal, silent scream of never-ending horror. He stifled back a scream. He had never seen a dead body before, or a skull for that matter. He lived a very sheltered life back home. But that was just it wasn’t it? This place wasn’t home. He had no idea where he was!
“W-W-WHERE IS THIS PLACE?!”
His voice bounced around the silent room, echoing darkly as his voice dominated the surrounding silence. He could feel the cold stone floor underneath his warm palms. It felt crumbly as if from the build up of long dried up liquid.
The lights turned fully on for a while and giving him a better view of the scenery around him. The skull was sitting atop a pile of... Something. He had a good feeling that he wanted it to remain unidentified. The wall was painted red... he guessed it was blood, it would make sense given there was a human skull in the room. But it was what the blood spelt out that really set a chill in his bones, a heavy feeling in the pits of his stomach and sent his spine shivering.
‘This isn’t Earth!
N-n-not Earth...?
Watch, out for the pink one!
P-pink one...?
Stay away from the laughter!
Oh god...! I’m dealing with a psychopath!
Don’t play the game...
But worst of all, was the last one on the opposite side of the wall. Made even more horrifying as he saw what was sitting next to that red writing. A full skeleton of a human body... Minus the head that was on the other side of the room on top of the pile of... stuff.
Run you fool!’
He started hyperventilating, not knowing what the hell was going on anymore. He then that the door leading into the room had been completely shattered. Something must have broken it down.
His concentration was quickly cut off by the light flickering one last time before dying out completely. He scanned the room, searching for something to help him in the dark. As his eyes adjusted he heard a sound, coming from the darkness around him. Tap... Tap... Tap... Whatever it was, it was getting closer! As soon as the sound had begun, it stopped. What replaced the tapping from before was worse. What replaced the tapping was a soft, high pitched giggle that echoed through the room. The kind that insane people suffer from as they comprehend a situation that normal people somehow can’t.
Ba-Dum
“W-what w-w-was that...?”
Ba-Dum
His blood turned to ice in his veins as his call returned unanswered, save for the scrape of boots against stone as he scrambled around in the dark, the echo lingering in the room. His hands scrambling across the floor, looking for something —anything— that would light up the surrounding darkness seemingly trying to press in on him from all directions.
His hands hit the pile of filth and he gagged at the smell it produced up close. When he went to retract his hand, he felt something inside of it. Gulping, he plunged his hand back inside the pile... of whatever it was, all he knew about it was soft, but dry at the same time. Almost like a pile of ash but with a putrid stench. His hand hit something. He turned his head away from the smell, and pulled whatever it was out of the pile. Quickly looking at the prize in his hands he found it to be a flashlight. He turned it on, quickly scanning the room with the glowing beam of light. He was lucky the thing even worked.
A patch of pink caught his eye as he swept the beam across the room. when he returned the light, whatever it was had disappeared... Only leaving behind a soft giggle which echoed around the dark room...
Ba-Dum, Ba-Dum, Ba-Dum!
His heart was beating faster now, whatever that—that... thing...! was, it must be after him! He had to run, despite that it would make his head hurt with every single step. He had to run! NOW!
He scrambled to his feet and ran out of the room, keeping the flashlight’s beam directly in front of him to show the way. That was when he heard it:
My little pony...
My little pony...
I used to wonder...
What friendship could be...?
But you never shared any of it with me...!
Oh god no! That sounded like it was close. He just knew it was close!
A door was in front of him, but there were two more doors as well, one to his left and one to his right. He had to choose, and fast! Running towards the door directly in front of him, he tore it open and slammed it behind him, making sure to lock it for good measure... His breathing irregular and his heart pounding. He sighed, thinking that he had finally escaped from whatever that monstrosity was.
Ba-Dum, Ba-Dum, Ba-Dum, Ba-Dum!
It was quiet, but he could hear as clear as day the pounding in his chest and despite that, it still felt quiet... Too quiet considering what just happened. But then he heard something approaching the door, with an echoing:
Tap... Tap... Tap... Tap...
He gulped and looked at the door handle as it tried to open, jiggling in place for a couple seconds before stopping and then a voice spoke up. A soft, insane yet high pitched giggling voice.
“He-He-He... Won’t you come out to play with me...?”
Ba-Dum! Ba-Dum! Ba-Dum! Ba-Dum!
He gasped and backed away from the door, his heart seemingly trying leap up into his throat, stooping him from screaming. All he could manage was a soft whimper as the voice continued:
“I’ve been waiting ages for someone to play with... The waiting was killing me.”
Backing away from the door some more he tripped up and fell onto the ground with a thump. The noise behind the door replaced with a slow giggle as he heard the distinct sound of a knife grating up against the wooden door.
“I hear your heart beating. Are you scared? Don’t worry... He-He!"
The door jerked forward as something slammed up against the frame.
"Auntie Pinkie is going to make alllllllll your worries go away...!”
He frantically searched the room for another way out. He saw a door on the other side in a small hallway in the room that he was in. Rushing down it he tried to open the door. The old worn out lock had a key in it already he twisted the key in his hands...
Snap!
The key snapped in half, and he could feel the rust covering his hand in a rough metallic powder. He searched the room for another way out, but he couldn’t find one! He had hit a dead end when he ran down the hallway. He could have turned left or right, but he chose to run straight toward the door that quite possibly led to the only dead end in this place. Idiot!
Going back now wasn't an option anymore now that something was at the door behind him...
“Oh, we are going to have so much fun together...!
SLAM!
You and I...!
SLAM!
I can make some Cupcakes with you too~!”
SLAM!
The slamming of flesh against the door suddenly stopped. Turning slowly towards the door, he stared at it. The handle no longer turned and it no longer jumped in its frame. For some reason, that stillness was scaring him more than the slamming against the door...
He moved towards the locked and beaten door, which held back the monstrosity behind it. His hands shook in fear and his feet shuffled against the stone cold ground as he inched slowly towards it. The sound of his own breathing seemed to intensify as the tension rose as his body was reaching a breaking point. Slowly, he leaned down and stared into the lock...
A large blue eye stared back at him...
"Hi there...!"
Definitely a good story as it is very detailed and immersive, but you are still not being consistent with the ellipsis.
I have seen you range from "..." to ".........." and while it still does not impact the story that much, it can still be noticed.
Also, I recommend changing “W-W-WHERE IS THIS PLACE?!” to “W-W-WHERE IS THIS PLACE?!” and "A human skull" to A human skull.
The emphasizing of "is" allow the characters shock and confusion to be properly conveyed.
Then there is the fact that there was a skull was already established, and the main character would be more affected by the fact that the skull is human than the skull being there.
Other than that it is very well written, and I look forward to seeing how it turns out!
9/10
Well. That was a tad creepy, but very well written. Didn't see an errors on my first read though, will do a more through read through tomorrow when I get home. You have improved significantly from when I first started editing for you. Great job! Considering the last thing I proofread/edited for you, it sort of seems that you do better with emotion-driven stories.
Nothing wrong with this, but still room for improvement.
First, I feel it's a tad short. See if you can add a little more in ere, and stress even more how unsettling the place is. But don't make it too long, otherwise it gets way too drawn out.
Second, try to make it more detailed. And I don't mean go back and add more to what you've already written, that stuff's good. I mean add more like that to really set the scene. It's unsettling right now, and it needs some more to become outright creepy.
Third, I noticed some fragments, such as "Only leaving behind a soft giggle which echoed in the dark room". Go back and see if you can't rework them.
The story's fine as is, but it just needs some spit and shine to improve it.
3197808
3202941
I'm not entirely sure that I agree with the above stated sentiments.
There are a whole lot of errors here that could be fixed, to name but a few:
The ground was black and charred, what from? He didn't know.
His breathing was irregular and his heart pounding. He sighed, thinking that he had finally escaped from whatever that monstrosity was.
Choose.
I don't know if either of these is right, but I would wager the second is closer if you add a comma after again.
There are more up there that could be fixed by a quick editing, I haven't been too thorough.
All that being said though, your story is pretty neat. I really like the concepts and imagery. You definitely show ability to write, I just think you need to be more thorough when you do you editing and touch ups.
And... try to keep the use of ellipses at a... bare minimum... they may be a magic punctuation mark that can replace... both commas and periods... easy to insert almost anywhere... but that doesn't mean... that it is... a good... idea... you dig...?
PS: God, I'm a monster, I didn't mean to rag on your story this much! I really did enjoy it, and I hope you get around to writing more.
3206966 Well crap. Perfect example of how I still end up missing things. Oops.
Sorry SoulWriter.
3206966
Well man.
Its still a work in process. But it was one I was cooking up for a month before my Exams hit.
So I wanted to get it out of the way. All errors will be fixed over time!
Thanks for the input by the way!
Appreciate constructive criticism!
And eh...
I knew I used to many elipses! But you should have seen... before... it... us...es... to..o... many... too.. count...!
Seriously though.
You Ain't a monster till you kill one and become the monster yourself...
(Moral Values)
3206978 No worries man! We're still working out the kinks!
In fact...
I'ma gonna go fix those now!
Thanks! Again...
-Saved SoulWriter
3206966
I fixed the ones you mentioned. Though if you want to go ahead and be more thorough in explaining whats wrong, I would LOVE to fix it.
Please...?
I really want this story to be a good one!
3207043
I've poofread before, and would definitely do so again, but I would prefer to do it in a google doc.
If you could paste this into a google doc and send me the link through pm I'll take a look at it within the next couple of days. Just remember to put the comment feature on under sharing options.
3207130
I dare say I may have to actually do this!
Proofreading would be a lot easier.
I'll get to it sometime, I'm a tad busy at the moment doing some other work!
3207152
No sweat buddy, I'm in a somewhat similar situation.
3207173
I'm actually more surprised that the story is on 5 likes and 0 dislikes...
I would like it myself to make it six...
But doing that would be like a dog licking its own nuts...
*Shudder*
Yeah I ain't doing that.
3207230
there you go, 6.
3207237
Well... Ok...? thanks for liking the story!
Lookie forwards to future chapters!
-I don't have to lick my own nuts now...-
Lol, my like makes it eight then.
Anyway, nice set up you've got here; others have added their input but I second adding just a smidge more detail to the surroundings to further punch home how messed up this nightmare is that the poor sap of a human ended up in. As far as I can tell, you've got Pinks crazy 'Pinkamena' self down pretty well and made her seem genuinely terrifying.
As for any grammar errors, as far as I can tell most have been found and fixed already, but I'll keep an eye out as yer story progresses to help lend a hoof if something pops up. I suppose if there is something I can point out it's that I don't know if you space after an ellipse in a sentence. I know I don't and seeing the spaces you put after them just doesn't look right to me. I'm pretty sure ya don't put spaces after them, but I could be wrong. Hahaha.
Slowly, he leaned down and stared into the lock...
All he saw was blue.
I think rewriting that like so, where it kind of trails off (like, ya know, how a horror movie will build up to a moment like this, the music rising before ya get the big spook moment) before just that simple, yet terrifying phrase after the realization hits really adds to the terror factor.
All in all it's a good start and seeing as Halloween is only about a month away, I think a little horror right now is more than appropriate. I can't wait to see more, hahahaha.
3208431
Why thank you Darkness Shade!
I look forwards to writing more of this story!
And I'll fix that little bit in a moment!
Just so all y'all commenter's know, I'm going to be away for...
Several hours...?
yeah make it six to seven hours.
So if you have any questions or general comments or slight edits to say about the story, leave them in the comments section and I'll get to them later...
Hopefully. If I don't have any work to do I'll get to em. Eventually...?
Meh, I'll respond to them sooner or later!
-Saved SoulWriter
Alright, the editing for chapter one took a while to get to, but I got it done!
Thanks again 3072453, 3197808 & 3206966 And the wonderful 3202941 for helping spot errors and what not!
That includes you too 3208431!
Chapter two will get heavily edited by myself (Since Alchemo is put off by my horror story...) and then I'll put it on G-Docs for ya Andy so you can take a look! Only edit what ya want to though, and don't stress over it, I don't need it immediately as some friends and I are working over a cover art for the story!
Oh and Rain! I hope you are looking forwards to the next chapter, that will hopefully be released sometime next week...? Meh! Might just chuck it up for pre-readers, then make changes over G-Docs with Andy before making any real changes to the work.
3403483
Prrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrogress! Perhaps in time for Nightmare Night?
Indeed! This progress is most pleasing! It would seem we're both making progress as, barring a catastrophe, mah new chapter should be incoming tomorrow...after a good night's sleep tonight.
3403483 Good luck with the story! As for exactly why I'm not able/willing to proofread future chapters; my thoughts are already dark/grim/gorey enough that I often creep the fuck out of my friends.(like when I told them that the necromorph dogs from Dead Space 3 are absolutely adorable) Reading horror only makes my mind darker, enjoyably so (for me and my girlfriend anyway) but not so much for most of my friends.
3404795
I cant remember when Nightmare Night is...
SURE! I hope that I can get it done by then...
I cant even remember the last time I went Trick or Treating.
...
I meant every word.
3404906
I'm a grim kind'a guy, that's one of the reasons I'm so good with horror, I guess...? Anywho, the horror play I wrote for drama class is going to be preformed next week after Labour weekend. After that I need to study for exams. So I have about three weeks to get the next chapter up and going!
3404978 A play huh? Sounds like fun(if you enjoy drama class). Hope you do well with the play.
3403483
Sounds good, mate. Toss me a Gdoc where you make sure that it has the text and formatting that the original is going to have, and I'll definitely take a look at it for you.
You can either send a link, or pm me for my mail address if you want to give me editing privileges as well(I prefer the latter, since it lets me fix and highlight mistakes when I deem necesseary).
I look forward to seeing what you come up with
3405117
Sure I can give ya Editing privileges for this story, seeing as 3404906 has the rights to TSA Edits ya can take this one. I'll Pm ya in a second so we can share the Email addresses.
I'm just a little confused if the chapter is actually done, or if there are any mistakes... from what I see, there aren't any...
Then again... I could be wrong.
3405169
Well, I didn't think too much about that, it's important to keep the story moving as well as fixing the mistakes. Sometimes its acceptable to overlook a few errors(we can't write like hemmingway, after all) so that you can keep the story moving.
I'm sure I could find something to nitpick over in the first chapter. There will almost always be something! But as it is, I might just do a quick once-over to make sure that nothing is too wrong, if that's alright with you.
Either way, when I ask for editing privileges its really just with the chapter that you are currently writing in mind, but if you want to toss me the first chapter as well, feel free. I can't guarantee that I will put a lot of work in it, though.
3405192
Ehhhhh...
The second chapter is up for the pre-readers anyway, if ya have the password go for it an' take a looksee. If ya don't though? I can send you the password as well as my Email in but a moment.
(Hot-Damn! I love reading as much as Twilight... I'm literally consumed by stories I want to read! )
Lol... let the horror, COMMENCE!