The Unlikeliest of Heroes

by TheFullCrumb

2 - Not QUITE a Hero

The loud battlecries of a soldier echoed through the accursed halls of the vampire lord. The flash of his sword, the guitar-like sound of his bow, and the clanking of claw against gleaming armour that would be befitting of a king. The hero's helmet shone with the glory of battle, his boots allowing him to dodge many hits. A vampire stopped to stare at his adversary, attempting to talk him down.

“Why do you act as such, ranger? You could join with us, be even stronger.” The ranger threw his fist forwards, smashing the vampire's nose squarely into his face. He fell, the blood pooling around his head.

“No. I do not act. I fight, and fight for real!” Slinging his bow across his shoulder, and sheathing his sword, he stared down the crowd of vampires that he faced. “Is this how it is? Then, it shall be!” He charged forward, squeaking in his pocket not even bothering him. Bringing his fist into one vampire's face, he carried the vampire into the next, crashing them both into a convenient wooden spike pointing out from the wall. Their hearts pierced, they vaporized into dust. “Liberal butt-kicking, for goodness!” The vampires began to back up, their red eyes smoldering with anger.

“Die, ranger! You will face my wrath this day!” The vampire lord, a terrible being of twisted flesh and bone, indescribable, at least by the ranger. The ranger began to charge forward, breaking through the lines of vampires in front of him, the creatures flying left and right.

“Ma-” And that was all that came from the ranger's mouth as the vampire lord held his hand to the ranger, a strange energy overtaking him, although he still kept his momentum. Within seconds, the ranger vanished.

“Now he is the problem of another. Come, let us feast upon the blood of hamsters!”

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Within the Badlands, there existed a certain hive. A hive of pony-like beings that could shift forms, shapeshifters, Changelings. Usually, the hive would have been quite, the darkened tunnels only navigable by their own kind. At least, before that day. Something was screaming in the darkened tunnels. One changeling stared at another.

“Is something... yelling at us? I don't quite understand it.” The other stared back, dumbfounded.

“It sounds like a battle cry-” The sentence was not finished as the burly form of the ranger barreled through them, coming to a stop in the midst of a large chamber. Changelings stared at him, their fangs shown, their eyes wide in shock. The ranger merely smiled, put his head down, screamed a battle cry, and charged.

“Make way, villainy! Hero coming through!” Changelings, just like the vampires he had fought mere moments before, went flying right and left as before. The Changelings had more sense than the vampires, as they had backed away from the ranger, although some poor souls still ended up in the ranger's path. “Liberal butt-kicking, for goodness!” A small hamster made its way to the shoulder of the ranger, squeaking in his ear. The ranger ignored the hamster's squeals, continuing his charge until the changeling horde spread out into a circle. The ranger stood still, staring at a very large Changeling that stood in front of him. His armour was dull white in the dimness of the chamber.

“What are you doing to my subjects, you foul beast?! My Changelings did nothing to you!” The ranger stood still, staring backward in confusion.

“I do not cause trouble! I merely seek it out and put the bootheels of justice to it!” He held up the small rodent, who stared. “Ask Boo!” Boo squeaked loudly, shaking his head. “Boo! Tell the strange four-legged creature!” Boo shook his head. The ranger turned around, facing the Changeling horde. Many of the ones he had knocked out of the way had stood back up, albeit covered in purple bruises. “Those... were no vampires?”

“I don't care what a 'vampire' is. You attacked us! For that, you will be imprisoned!” Without warning, bars of steel fell from the ceiling, covering the ranger. The ranger's forehead pulsed with a single vein.

“These bars will not hold my wrath! Minsc will be free! Butts shall be liberally kicked in good measure!” Minsc, the ranger, gripped the bars tightly. His armour bulged slightly, hidden muscles bulging as the front of the cage was rended open. Minsc stood still, staring at the large Changeling. “Make way, evil! I am armed to the teeth, and packing... a hamster!” The large Changeling stared down at him, unsure what to make of what he just said.

“A hamster? You expect me to be- Aah! Get him off!”

“Go for the eyes, Boo! Go for the eyes! Raaauuuggh!” Minsc charged forward, only to be lifted off his feet. Boo floated beside him, staring intently at the strange Changeling.

“I am Queen Chrysalis! Bow before me and tremble!” Minsc stared down at Chrysalis, his arms crossed.

“This behaviour must not continue. Feel the burning stare of my hamster and change your ways.” Minsc's helmet fell off, clattering to the ground. His bald head, along with the peculiar blue tattoo that was painted just under his right eye, but reached up to just below where his hairline would be, was bared to all. He stared down, drawing his bow. Reaching into his bag, he drew forth an arrow that he knew would work. “Arrow of Piercing!” The arrow let loose, unfortunately flying backwards through a line of changelings. Their purple blood flowed quickly onto the ground, leaving Minsc with a puzzled look on his face. “Those never work...” He stared at Boo, who squeaked quickly. “Of course! They have no armour, and thus, no defense!” Within a few seconds, Minsc was holding five of the Piercing Arrows. “Perfect!” With a precise shot, the five arrows found marks, and continued to move, unhindered by the carapaces of the Changelings. Chrysalis stared wide-eyed at the ranger's mayhem.

“Stop! I beg of you! Stop slaughtering my Changelings!” Minsc stopped again.

“They were most definitely not vampires, right?” Boo slapped his small forehead with his paw at Minsc's stupid question. He squeaked at Minsc quite angrily. “They were not, Boo? Oh, my mistake!”

“They are not evil at all!” Minsc stared down at the Changelings.

“They look evil-”

“Do you always judge everything by how it looks?!” Chrysalis changed into another form, that of a cream-coloured filly. “I can change my appearance!” Minsc rubbed his hands together. He drew his sword, Foebane, one that had extra damage against shapeshifters,

“Boo points, I punch. Is very simple relationship, but it works.” Boo nodded, then pointed at the wall. “Where Minsc goes, evil stands aside!” With one solid punch, the brittle wall of the hive came crashing down. Minsc was blinded temporarily by the sunlight that pervaded the room, his armour gleaming in the sudden light. Minsc clambered out, staring at the Badlands, an arid wasteland of nothingness. Minsc stared back inside at Chrysalis.

“How dare you?!” Minsc held up a hand.

“My skin may not have scales, but it has seen many suns come and go.” Boo squeaked beside him. “Boo thinks you could use some sun too.” He turned back around. “Then you might not smell so much like wet laundry.” Minsc strode forth, completely and utterly forgetting one thing. Boo squeaked. “My helmet!” Minsc quickly sprinted back inside, placing his helmet back on his head. “Goodbye, shapeshifters.” He sheathed his sword, staring at the Badlands again. He broke off at a sprint, Boo just barely holding on to the neckguard of his armour.

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For days and weeks, Minsc walked. When he had arrived at what he assumed was civilization, he stood in front of the strangest town he had ever seen. It was pink, bright pink. Even Boo did not have an opinion. Equines wandered about, only to stop and stare at the giant of a man. Minsc removed his helmet, scratching his bald head. Some ponies stopped to point at the strange purple tattoo on his head. His armour glinted once more in the bright sunlight.

“These are... these-” A huge smile spread across his face. Something he had always wanted to do, but never got a chance to. “Ponies!” He reached deep into his travel sack, removing a small brush. “Brushie, brushie!” He proceeded to drop his bag, his helmet, and Boo, to chase around the pony inhabitants of the town, attempting to brush them down. Boo slapped his forehead with his palm again. He squeaked, shaking his head.

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For the next few hours, the inhabitants of the pony town were chased around by the strange, giant minotaur-like being. The clanking of its armour gave Minsc away when he was chasing the ponies. One he had set his sights on dove quickly into a small doorway. Without even a second thought, Minsc charged forward, only to have his head collide with the upper part of the doorjamb. With the loudest slam possible, he fell backwards, metaphorical stars in his head. He stared at the sky.

“There must be more pretty flowers, right, Boo?” Minsc passed out, a large gash on his forehead slowly seeping blood. The ponies gathered around, lifting the strange creature up. There was only one place that would be safe to contain such a strange creature, along with the best creature expert their side of the Everfree.

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Boo followed the group of ponies, squeaking at them to point out the equipment. The bag and helmet just sat in the middle of town, a clear target for thieves. Boo clambered up Minsc's trailing arm, hearing the man snore while mumbling. “Mmm... liberal buttkicking... mmm... for goodness...” The group of ponies stopped outside of a cottage, the size much larger than the normal houses they had. Depositing him on the ground, they knocked on the door.

“Miss Fluttershy? Can you give us a hoof out here?” A cream-coloured pegasus pony, with a cotton-candy pink mane, slowly opened the door, then threw it open when she saw Minsc.

“Oh my goodness. Is it all right? It looks hurt.” She touched her hoof to Minsc's forehead, the blood having coagulated from before. Boo stepped up onto Minsc's head, staring up at the pony. He squeaked, a tear in his eye. “Your name is Boo? Oh, this is your friend? He ran into a door? Oh, how dreadful!” She whistled, many of her animal friends wandering out to help lift the heavy giant of a man into her house. A single white bunny hopped onto her back, locking eyes with Boo. Their eyes glared daggers back and forth, unseen by Fluttershy.

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Minsc slowly woke to the sound of items being thrown. His eyes opened to see Boo catching objects and throwing them back to where they had come from. Turning his head, he saw a rabbit throwing food, small dishes, and seeds at Boo. Without thinking, Minsc grabbed a pillow, and hurled it at the rabbit. The rabbit lost its temper, throwing a pan at Minsc. Minsc caught the pan with his hand, holding it tightly.

“No beast shall throw a metal pan at Minsc!” Boo hopped off Minsc as the ranger sat up. He slid off the bed, charging the bunny as Minsc would a crowd of enemies. His angry squeaking was all that could be heard as Minsc just plainly stared. While Boo was his hamster, and Boo would usually go for the eyes when he said, he had never seen Boo get in a rumble with a rabbit before. A door opened, startling Minsc. He attempted to draw his bow, realizing that it was not with him. Looking around, a glowing outline showed itself to him. He was about to go for it when a cream-coloured pegasus pony entered. She simply stared at the miniature fight happening below, while Minsc froze.

“Oh my. You two shouldn't be fighting. Angel? Boo?” Boo stared up at the pony with big eyes. Angel merely tapped his foot angrily. Minsc slowly moved towards his gear, grabbing it quickly. Even though the pony only came up to his waist, he was still wary of her. “I'm sorry, but when they brought you, you were hurt badly. I had to remove your armour-” Minsc held up a hand. He decided to look down for the first time since he had awoken. He was naked. He stared wide-eyed, while Angel laughed. Boo punched Angel, causing them to roll around again fighting.

“Uh, I am glad. My name is Minsc. My miniature giant space hamster's name is Boo- wait, how did you know Boo's name?” He stooped to pick up Boo, placing him on his shoulder. Boo squeaked. Minsc nodded, understanding. Minsc was barely resisting the urge to brush her mane, but he was without his brush. “Let Minsc get his clothing back on, and we shall talk.” Minsc turned the corner to find himself in a large cottage, filled with cages, animals, and pet food. He scratched his head, preferring to put his armour back onto himself instead of dwelling on the fact that the cottage fit him. He hummed to himself, Boo merely staring down the other animals in the rare case they wanted to attack Minsc. He slid his armour on quickly, years of practice allowing him fast dressing and undressing. He returned to the room once his armour was on, staring down at the small pegasus pony. “Might I ask what your name is?” The pegasus pony whined as she spoke. “I'm sorry, Minsc did not catch that.”

“I'm... Fluttershy.” Minsc clapped his hand together.

“So, the good host has name. Perfect.” He searched his equipment, not locating his brush. “Where is Minsc's brush?” He realized his bag and helmet were not amongst his items either. “Where is Minsc's bag, and helmet?!” He started looking wildly around. “Boo, where are they?!” Boo squeaked, the ranger calming down. “Ah, I left them in town? The gentle nature of these creatures would not have many thieves, right?” Boo shrugged. He did not know. Minsc packed up what equipment he had with him, and opened the door. Ducking down low, he crept through the door. “Minsc will not be hindered by doors!” Fluttershy flew beside him, trying to stop him.

“But, didn't you want to talk? There's so much I want to-” Minsc turned, a big smile on his face.

“Swords, not words!” With that, he charged down the hillside towards the pony town, intent on recovering his helmet and bag. Fluttershy shook her head, following him from a safe distance, the shining white armour not hard to follow. Why did this creature intrigue her so?

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Author's Notes non-functional, at least for me:

Minsc, the ranger/berserker from Dungeons and Dragons and the Baldur's Gate series, enters the fray. AND YES! He did call Chrysalis wet laundry.

Comments

[Focusphobia]

Where is Minsc from?

[TheFullCrumb]

3025168

Have you ever heard of the Baldur's Gate series?

[Focusphobia]

3025990
A bit, though my knowledge comes from the Dark Alliance games and basic D&D lore.

[ArchAIngel]

Chrysalis smells like wet laundry? I think I just lost it.

[TheFullCrumb]

3046510

Yeah. I had a lot of fun writing Tactical Genius and Not QUITE a Hero.

[Bronzer]

By the end of this fic, all those living on Equestria's planet are going to be in awe and terror of humans. Then they learn there are a practically infinite number of us (different universes, after all). Just. As. Planned.

[Jacob dash]

LIBERAL BUTT KICKING FOR GOODNESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Berzerker_Mohawk]

Well...that's different [a ranger/berzerker, interesting..]

[Snow Fluff]

I freaking love Minsc. I'd always use him in game for his awesome miniature giant space hampster talking to crazyness.

[Dustchu]

Holy sheet this is too much!
ITS NAME IS BOO!

Oh lordy luu! XD hahahaha!

Nice job!