Maybe, just maybe…..
By TheBronyaroundthecorner
It was just an ordinary day in Ponyville, the sun was shining and the birds were singing, but for one little dragon it was totally different, for today he was going to ask the mare of his dreams out on a date. Ever since he first laid his emerald eyes on her, he was committed to do anything to make her happy, yet he would still struggle to even look at the mare’s eyes without losing composure. But this time he was going to actually do it, after five years, he’s going to do…..
“Spike! Are you daydreaming about Rarity again? Because your staring at her picture.” chuckled Twilight. Spike looked towards her, he was nearly the same height as her, after the incident on his birthday he was began learning how to adapt to the growth spurts that was cause by his greed all those years ago.
“Yeah, *sigh* it’s just that I really like her Twi, and I want to ask her out but..”
“But what?” said Twilight in a soothing voice as she scooted over towards Spike to comfort him.
“But what if she doesn’t like me, what if I take her rejection badly and what if she says that we can’t be friends anymore? I doubt that I could live with myself if that happens.”
A tear formed in his eyes, Twilight leaned over and gave him a reassuring hug.
“Spike, why would you think that? She would never say that you can’t be friends. Tell you what, how about you go over to the Boutique and help Rarity with her dresses, she always likes that”.
Spike let go of Twilight and looked up at her staring into her lavender eyes, “That’s a brilliant idea, it’s a good thing that your smart” said Spike cheekily, Twilight began to blush and quickly looked away.
“Go on now, it’s rude to keep a lady waiting” Twilight remarked in her best formal voice, “and don’t forget to be back here before dark, Ok?”.
“Yes Twi, I promise.” Spike walked out of the library, he had a long day ahead of him.
Earlier that day……
“Nearly done, just one more ribbon…” murmured the white unicorn. Rarity, the owner of the Carousel Boutique, stayed up all night to finishing off a massive order and nothing was going to disrupt her.
“Morning sis.” Except that…
Rarity was a bit startled but quickly regained herself. “Sweetie Belle! What have I told you about sneaking up on me like that?” she had a concerned expression on her face.
“Sorry sis, I was just going to ask if I could go and play with Applebloom and Scootaloo at the clubhouse?” Sweetie Belle had grown a bit since Spike’s birthday, and was nearly a foot taller. She was the biggest out of the Crusaders.
“Sure Sweetie, but before you go, may I talk to you?”
“What about, Am I in trouble?” she started to worry.
“No no no, I want to talk to you because we haven’t had a decent discussion together since…well….a while actually. It would be nice for us to have a sister to sister talk.”
“Uhh….. okay, what do you want to talk about?”
“How you’ve been lately.”
“Oh um… I been great, yesterday Scootaloo, Applebloom and I went exploring around Sweet Apple Acres, Spike tagged along too!”
“That sounded like fun.” I wonder why Spike would tag along? Maybe Twilight gave him the day off.
“It was. We stopped and had lunch underneath a tree and then we decided to head back to Ponyville. What did you do yesterday?” she said cheerfully.
“I had a huge order to fill out, so I was busy all day.”
They continued to talk about the past few days for what seemed like hours, then the someone began knocking at the door.
Meanwhile….
I’m starting to think this wasn’t a good, she might be in the zone. Spike was shaking, he reached forward and knocked on the door. He waited and then it opened to reveal Sweetie Belle.
“Hey Spike, how are you?”
“I’m good, how about you?”
“Pretty good thanks. What brings you here?”
“I’m here to see Rarity.”
“She’s in the kitchen, please come in.”
“Thanks, you look great!”
She began to blush. “Aww thanks Spike. You’re not too bad yourself.”
Spike walked into the Boutique, he looked around at the room, it was messy or what Rarity calls organised chaos.
He walked towards the kitchen and spotted the unicorn of his dreams.
“Hey Rarity.”
Rarity looked behind her to meet Spike and gazed into his eyes. They both stared at each other for a couple of seconds, then Rarity spoke.
“Hello Spike, what brings you here?”
“I was just wondering if you wanted help with anything?”
Rarity noticed that Spike was blushing but kept silent.
“I’ve got some chores that need done, maybe you can help me do them”
“Sure, I’ll be happy to help you m’lady.”
"Great, let's get started"
The first thing they did was clean the dishes, Spike wash and Rarity put them away, next they cleared the organised chaos and then they continued on with the dresses.
After about 3 hours of helping, Spike noticed it was getting dark and remembered what Twilight said.
"Rarity, it's nearly dark, I think I should be heading back to Twilight now."
She turned to face the dragon, she was a bit bummed, but not enough for Spike to notice.
"Oh silly me , I didn't realise what the time was. Well, it was a pleasure to have you helping me Spike,"
"The pleasure is all mine, I'm always eager to help you no matter what"
Spike's face was really red, but managed to keep himself together.
"You're an absolute charmer!"
That did him, he fell face first into the ground. He fainted in front of Rarity.
"SPIKE!!! Talk to me......"
"spike....."
Ah, a Sweetie Belle tag. I'll give you some technical critiques.
First off, the formatting. Please separate each paragraph with a space. It makes it so much easier to read (I like to add an additional indent as well, but it's fine without an indent so long as there is a blank line between each paragraph.)
Secondly: Your paragraphs (especially the dialogue ones) are rather short. It makes the story feel very bare-bones and rushed. Try to flesh out the scene using attributions for dialogue to convey the feelings of the characters, or more detailed descriptions of the characters' expressions. A romance tends to work best when the feelings of at least one of the characters are accurately conveyed to the reader. If you can't understand the character and get into their head, then it is hard to be roped in by a romance. They way it is currently has us as readers assuming a fair amount about Spike and Rarity, so we don't really know how likely or unlikely this conversation is as it plays out, nor do we know how hard it is for them to say and choose the words they use.
Thirdly: Some minor things: Boldface generally isn't required for emphasis, you should just use italics. (Save for the moments when it already is in italics, then you can either switch to normal, or bold it). Same with capslock, you usually shouldn't use caps for emphasis or loudness. Italics and exclamations tend to suffice. And in that same vein, only use one exclamation point. If it's done well, the tone of the story should be able to convey just how loudly the character is yelling.
Fourth: The purpose of a first chapter is to establish the conflict and the characters. The first has been done, the second though... well I'd need to know more about these characters to want to keep reading the story.
I hope this critique helps in some manner,
~SilentBelle
Every time I tend to log off, I always see a fan fic that intrigues me, and this one has. The ending to this made me laugh happily, with Spike fainting in front of Rarity. Cliffhanger though! I look forward to the next chapter, and see if Spike builds up the courage to ask Rarity out.
3006022 it has, thanks for the feedback, ill make sure to fix it up and improve for the second chapter
3006022 Except Pinkie, because she owns the caps lock key when she's excited
Can you finish this?
Oh cliffhangers how I love and hate them
Great first chapter
ill try to finish it but i can't rush it, you know, High school and everything
This is a very good story I am looking forward to the read the rest of it
keepup the good work
lucky clover