To Guard Equestria

by BleepBloop2

Chapter 8

Before she left, I filled Luna in on what I thought I’d seen and heard while unconscious. She ‘hmmed’, frowned, and told me she’d look into it.

“The use of Heartland to describe Equestria is something that hasn’t been done since before I was born, so I doubt any records survived except what resides inside my sister’s mind,” she said. “I would need to inform her as to what has happened to have any hopes of finding useful information.”

I sighed. “Then tell her. Tell her whatever you think she needs to know.”

Luna nodded. “Very well. I must depart; my presence is required at the castle. I will contact you by dragonfire should I find anything before your return.” To Twilight, she said, “I hope to continue our discussion another time, Twilight.

Twilight started to bow, but caught herself. “Of course, Luna. My door is always open for you.”

Luna smiled, and then vanished with a brief light and a small popping sound. Twilight looked impressed, so I guess teleporting quietly and without a big flash is hard. Probably extremely so, if she finds it impressive. There was another, even smaller flash of light, and a bag appeared where Luna had been standing. It fell to the ground with sound of metal sliding over metal. I went over and picked it up. Inside was a note and a crapload of bits.

Captain Michael

This bag contains part of the backpay for the position of Captain of the Night Guard. The position was never abolished, merely unheld during Princess Luna’s absence. For the remainder owed to you, see enclosed card. To collect, please visit Head Treasurer Bean Counter.

Your servant,
Pencil Pusher

Digging around in the bag, I found the card. On it was a number. A fairly large number. I was in two minds about this. One one hand, it was about time I started getting the backpay. On the other, what the hell was I supposed to do with more money? My expenses were basically zero, living in the castle. Sure, I could buy a house, but I wouldn’t use it. I’m on duty twenty hours a day, and when I sleep I usually do it leaning against a wall. I eat in my office or in the mess hall, and the castle library has every book written in the past two and a half thousand years. I only spend money on Twilight and maintaining my kit.

And this is going to be on top of my regular pay as well. Working twenty hours a day gets you serious overtime.

“What is it?” Twilight asked from behind me.

“Backpay. You have your eye on any books?” I asked.

“One or two,” she said, “why?”

“I’m going to buy them for you. Where d’you keep your list here?” Twilight has a list of books she wants to buy. Well, list is an understatement. It sorted by genre, then by author, with date of publication and priced. Twilight likes being organised.

She floated the list to me, and I looked over it. It was a good four pages long, each page as long as my arm and as wide as my head. Her writing was small and neat enough to look typeset. There was probably a good few hundred books there. I handed the list back. Really I just let it go and she caught it with magic, putting it back behind a shelf where she got it from.

“So, what book are you getting me?” she asked, eyes wide, smile wider. Sometimes, I don’t feel I should be indulging her book addiction, but when she looks this happy I can’t help myself.

I smiled at her and shook my head. I never told her. Mostly because I think she loved the anticipation more. She went to bed that night trying to trick me into telling her what book I was getting. She always did, though this time it was easier to not tell her.

When I was sure she was soundly asleep, I took out her list and made a copy of it. That took me most of the night. My writing is nowhere near as nice as Twilights, so I have to take a bit of time if I want to be able to read it later, never mind someone else. Reports take me hours. At times, I don’t know how people do everything they have to, and still have time to sleep.

After I copied out the list, I busied myself by translating some Equestrian literature to English. Not the most exciting thing, but it help me remember the language. I’ve had to make up a fair amount of words over the years, for things Equestria has that home doesn’t. I keep a notebook with all the words in it, adding to it as I make more. I’ve been meaning to make a full English - Equestrian dictionary, but I’d end up making up most of the English half of it. I managed a couple of foals books, which I’d need to start Twilight off with. I’d need to see what she could pronounce and what she couldn’t, anyway.

My second, and last, month in Ponyville was boring, with one burst of excitement that didn’t last. It came a few days after Luna’s visit, when Fluttershy brought some Parasprites in from the Everfree. How she didn’t recognise them, I don’t know. Even more surprising was that Pinkie Pie did. I kept the Parasprites under wraps while she found the instruments. Celestia arrived, and later Twilight told me her visit went swimmingly. I wouldn’t know, I was in the Everfree getting some lessons off of Zecora.

Winter came, and went. When you can control the weather, winter doesn’t last that long, only two weeks. Nothing exciting happened during winter or the following wrap up. I avoided Rarity, had a couple late night chats with PinkiePie, nothing interesting. And then I was hugging Twilight goodbye as I got on the train to Canterlot. A six hour long train journey later and I was back in Canterlot. When I got to the castle, I reported to Luna, who gave me another check up. Again, she found nothing, and happily let me return to active duty. After the scan, she gave me a rundown of what had happened while I was away. Crime had went down a fair bit, though no one could find out why, some foreign delegations were due to arrive soon, and her sister was not happy with me. Only the first was important.

Later, as I was eating and going over reports from my time off, I was treated to the various reasons the guards had concocted to explain the drop in activity. They ranged from all the criminal’s mothers having given them a good talking to, all the way to all the criminals getting together to plan a heist on the crown jewels. My favourite, though, was that when they heard I had taken a holiday, they all decided to take one as well.

The first week I was back in Canterlot, I spent most of my free time tracking down all the books on Twilight’s list and buying them. Her birthday was in a few months, and I was planning on sending them to her then. I sent her a few early, so she didn’t think I’d forgotten about her.

Most of my time on duty was spent interviewing potential recruits, dealing with the few nobles who still thought they could boss me around and doing some more translations of Equestrian books. The first real exciting thing to happen after I got back was a visit from some high ranking minotaurs. It was their head of state, a few of his direct subordinates and a whole lot of assistants of various kinds. It was on my third week back that King Steel Fury came to Equestria to rehash various trade agreements, as well as hopefully strengthening ties between West Plains and Equestria.

Thats the line he was feeding us, anyway. Luna wanted to know why he was really here, and she wanted to know yesterday. Spike arrived shortly after Luna gave me those orders. It made sense; ponies and griffons can’t be sneaky, and I’m too well known to go around asking questions. But, for all his rarity, no one really knows who Spike is. It also helps no one really wants to question a dragon, even a small one. He found me in the mess hall, looking over some reports.

“What do you need me to do?” Spike asked, sitting across the table from me.

“Keep an eye on things in that part of the castle,” I said, not looking up. If we were being watched, it would look like I was telling him I was busy. I didn’t think we were though. Important visitors are all housed in the same part of the castle, ostensibly to make protecting them easier, probably to make it easier to keep track of them. I pay some of the servants that work there to send me a message if someone leaves. “See if you can overhear anything. If you find anything, tell me or Quick Cut.”

Spike nodded and left. I don’t know how, but he managed to vanish into the crowd in a few seconds. I guess its a skill he has.

That was really all I could do for that problem for now. A few weeks passed, the minotaurs left and it seemed like they had been honest. God, how stupid I feel looking back. But hindsight is perfect, I guess.

Canterlot was quiet. Crime picked up a bit, but stopped below the level it had been before. The time let the Guards play catch up on the current cases, which took a lot of criminals off the street, if only temporarily for some, and put the fear of us into some of the rest. The Night Guard dealt with that, for the most part. Most crimes do take place at night.

Honestly, I’d forgotten how boring Canterlot was, most of the time. It was more exciting than Ponyville - my shoulder twinged slightly, as if in protest. Maybe not more exciting, but the excitement was steadier and less lethal. Ponyville had Twilight, though, so it won.

I finally managed to track down some griffons who worked with leather in Canterlot, and after paying what was probably an extortionate fee, I handed over the Ursa hide. It would take a while to treat, and then I’d need it fitted. Thankfully, the Ursa had been a fairly big one, as Minors go, so there was a lot to work with. It’d be trial and error, for the most part. Not many chances to work with Ursa hide.

One of the letters Twilight sent me mentioned she’d be at the Best Young Flyer competition in Cloudsdale. Celestia managed to talk her sister into going with her, so I wrote back saying I’d be there.

Luna was not the most social of ponies. She was a lot like Twilight, actually. The Best Young Flyer competition would be her first time leaving Canterlot since her visit to Ponyville to check up on me. She was unusually quiet the flight there. I let her be. If it was something she wanted help with, she’d let me know.

I walked in front of Luna on the way to the Cloudeseum.

Look, it was the best translation I could think of, alright?

So, the Cloudeseum. Big, oval building, made of clouds. Open to the sky, it can seat around fifteen thousand, with space for another eight thousand pegasi above on clouds. I learned that, and a lot of other facts about Cloudsdale I didn’t care about, from Rainbow Dash, of all people. I bumped into her after I’d escorted Luna and Celestia to the Royal Box before leaving to check around the perimeter.

Rainbow Dash had been showing Twilight and the others around Cloudsdale, and were just now on their way to the Cloudeseum. I escorted them inside, Rainbow Dash to where the competitors waited, Twilight and the others to their seat.

I made my way back only to be told to leave again.

“Take a few hours for yourself, Captain,” Luna ordered. “It has been many weeks since last you rested.”

Not wanting to argue, I nodded and went back to Twilight. I stole a seat next to them - it was an unbooked one - and sat down, feeling every moment like I was going to fall through the clouds. Twilight assured me it wouldn’t happen. Fluttershy took the opportunity to check on my shoulder. By now, it had stopped hurting except for the odd twinge, which seemed to surprise Fluttershy. I guess she hadn’t believed me when I said I heal fast.

It has to tell you something about me that I only noticed Rarity was missing when her turn was announced. When the hell did she get wings? They were gaudy things as well, looking like sunlight on oil. Ponies seemed to love them.

Eventually, Rainbow Dash and Rarity came out. Rainbow Dash did some tricks I guess were impressive, Rarity copied Icarus and flew too close to the sun. She fell, and started flailing. She must have knocked her rescuers unconscious or something, because soon they were falling as well.

Rainbow Dash noticed, and dived down, going so fast she blurred. When she was close, there was an explosion of light and sound. I dropped to the ground on instinct, dragging Twilight down with me. I knocked a couple chairs over before I realised we weren’t under attack. I helped Twilight up, apologised and fixed the chairs.

Twilight and I had a small debate about how fast Rainbow Dash had been going when she broke the sound barrier. It was a pointless debate as we didn’t know how much the pegasus weighed, but fun nonetheless. I was of the opinion that to break it as spectacularly as she had, she had to have been going more than a little over it, which would also account for her sudden acceleration after the barrier shattered.

Twilight, however, maintained that Rainbow Dash had be barely above it.

“If she was going as fast as you say, then the friction from the air would have burned her wings!”

“Pegasi coat their wings in magic to make them more aerodynamic,” I pointed it. “If she had enough, it could both reduce the heat and protect her from it. And Rainbow Dash has a crazy amount of magic compared to most pegasi. Hell, she has more magic than most unicorns can hold.”

“Any magical barrier thick enough to protect her from the heat would make too un-aerodynamic to fly. Besides,” Twilight replied, flipping a hoof, “travelling at the speeds you propose would do an incredible amount of damage to a pony’s body.”

“But if the magic was formed into a cone, like the shape the barrier took for some reason,” I countered, making a cone shape with my hands. I don’t know why, we both knew what a cone looked like. “That would protect her from the heat while still keeping her aerodynamic, and protect her from high speed winds.”

Twilight started to say something but stopped, a thoughtful look on her face. After a few seconds, she said, “I’ll do the math tonight, but that sounds like it might work.It would need to be a narrow cone though.”

I smiled, surprised. I usually lost debates with Twilight.

Rainbow Dash was getting her award from Luna and Celestia. She seemed to be in a state of shock that only got worse as time went on. When the Wonderbolts spoke to her she damn near went catatonic.

I hugged Twilight goodbye as she returned to Ponyville and I to Canterlot.

Starting a month or so after the Best Young Flyers competition, the only topic of discussion in Canterlot was the Grand Galloping Gala. Who would be going, who wasn’t, who was wearing what (or who). I didn’t see the appeal, really. I’ve been to four of the things, and they are the single most boring day of the year.

Which is why I was happier than I usually was when Twilights letter arrived each week. But one particular one, a month and a bit before the Gala, was a little different than the others. Ten minutes after getting the letter I was knocking on Shining Armour’s office door. He opened it, looking annoyed.

“What.”

“Diamond Dogs have been spotted near Ponyville,” I said, handing him the letter. “Get some troops together. We leave in ten minutes.”

The letter glowed a pale pink as he took it and read it. “Give me fifteen and I can double the number of troops I can bring.”

I shook my head. “No time. Dogs might move soon. Might already be gone.” If they weren’t I wasn’t planning on going inside. I just needed help stopping anything from leaving. If they were, a lot of troops would make following them harder to sell to Celestia. “I have a plan anyway. I’ll explain when we get there. Nine minutes, chariot platform. Quick Cut will meet you there.” As I left to round up a few more troops. I found them and told them to get their kit together before meeting Shining Armour at the chariot platform.

I grabbed my kit and went there a little early, to pick up Spike. The little dragon was surprisingly eager to come along.

“Dude, no offense, but Twilight is crazy.”

He wasn’t wrong. That didn’t mean I didn’t want to break one of his arms when he said it, but he wasn’t wrong. Twilight had a fair amount of issues, mostly stemming from her basically being adopted by Celestia when she was younger, some from her lack of socialisation while younger (partly my fault) and some because thats how she is. I resisted the urge to hit him and caught him up.

“You know about the Diamond Dogs outside Ponyville, right?”

“Yeah dude, they’ve been there for months.”

I stopped walking and looked down at him. I took a few seconds to control myself and asked, in a very quiet voice, “Why the hell haven’t you reported them?”

He obviously wasn’t entirely stupid, as he started backpedaling, both verbally and literally. “Well, when I say months, I really mean weeks. Like three, or maybe two.”

I started walking again, letting the magic drop. He knew he had messed up. “Anyway, Diamond Dogs. We’re going to get rid of them if they’re here. If they’ve left, we’ve got to find them, to make sure they don’t just set up camp somewhere else.”

“That makes sense,” Spike said, “but it doesn’t explain why I’m here.”

“If the dogs are gone, you’re going to help us follow them.” We were at the field outside Ponyville now. I use the word ‘field’ loosely. The ground was as barren as a loveless marriage, not even moss growing on the stones. The dirt was hard despite the recent rains, and there were a few holes dotted around the place. Shining Armour was standing where grass stopped growing, with around twenty Day Guards and eight Night Guards. Considering the time, noon, that was a lot of Night Guards. In total, there were seven unicorns, eight pegasi, fourteen earth ponies, Spike, and myself.

I got a round of salutes as I got close, along with a small nod from Shining Armour. “You said you had a plan, Michael. Lets here it.”

“The plan is simple. Unicorns send fire down the tunnels, pegasi and earth ponies stop any Dog that tries to leave.” I looked at our troops, then out at the field, and did some quick arithmetic. “Three groups of ten, I think. Three unicorns, two pegasi, five earth ponies in group one. Two unicorns, three pegasi, five earth ponies in group two. Two unicorns, three pegasi, four earth ponies and me in group three. Shining Armour, you go in the two, three, five group. Any questions?”

One of the Day Guard pegasi put their hoof up.

“Yes, Corporal Cloud Cutter?”

Corporal Cloud Cutter cleared his throat before asking, “Why is Spike here?”

“If the Dogs have left, I want to try and follow them to make sure they don’t start taking slaves elsewhere. Any more questions?” There were none, so me and Shining Armour split them into groups. I ended up with most of the Night Guards, and three Day Guards, none of whom I knew.

First order of business was to block most of the holes. It wouldn’t stop any Diamond Dogs for more than a second or two, but in a fight you take every advantage you can get. I had the earth ponies do that, so unicorns could save their strength for fire.

I had them leave holes that were far enough from each other that we wouldn’t get in each others way in a fight, but close enough that if they tried to gang up on one group the others could help. Pegasi were to keep an eye on the farther parts of the field, earth ponies to focus on protecting unicorns.

The fact that no Dogs had popped up while we were plugging holes made me think they had already left, so I had Spike take a trip around the edge of the field to see if he could pick up a scent. Plus it would keep him out from underfoot. Or underhoof. When he was at the edge and everyone else was in position, I loaded my crossbow with a bolt from a set I had commissioned and told the unicorns to start.

We got a reaction pretty much immediately. A dog popped up behind one of the unicorns in my group. I shot it in the back of the head. The heavy bolt punched through it’s skull in a spray of blood and bone. It collapsed forwards, towards the unicorn. A gust of wind from the side knocked it to the side enough for it to clip the unicorn instead of crushing her. I retrieved my bolt, reloaded it and waited.

The other groups were having some fun of their own. Each had a pair of Dogs fighting them. Each of their dogs was smaller than the one I had killed, so I guess thats why we only got one.

I didn’t have to wait long. A few more Dogs erupted from the earth, throwing rocks and clouds of dirt in every direction. The shouts of surprise from the ponies were quickly drowned out by the roar of the Dogs, thought that wasn’t the loudest thing about them. By god, those things stank. It was like a combination of sweat, wet dog and a sort of generic, unplaceable bad smell. I was half worried my sword would corrode if I tried to hit any of them with it.

I shop another with the crossbow, this time in the chest. The heavy bolt crunched through the dogs chest. Dropped the crossbow, I drew my sword and stabbed the same one in the stomach, kicking her legs out from under it as I pulled my sword out. Turning around, I stabbed a Dog that was focussing on an earth pony, going in through his side and up to his chest. The Dog let out a high pitched yelp and hit me with an oversized paw. I ducked my head, took the blow on my shoulder. The pony finished the Dog with a well aimed kick to the guts. It had stopped breathing before it hit the ground.

Two other dogs had attacked my group, but the ponies had dealt with them. Only one pony had been hurt by the Dogs, the earth pony I had helped. The others had, at most, a scratch or two from the Dog’s entrance.

The next wave came as I was taking the bolt out of the Dog I had shot. It was smarter than I had expected the Dog’s to be, waiting for us to relax, but not long enough for us to be on Guard.

There were more this time as well, but the plan must have been working. Half of the Dog’s stood and fought while the other half scattered. The reason I had time to notice this was because a Dog came up under my feet, sending me about ten feet into the air. I grabbed one of my legs and slammed me into the ground. I kicked his knee with my free leg. There was a crack, a pop, and a scream from the dog. He let me go, and I started to get to my feet only to have to throw myself to the side to avoid an axe swing. I wasn’t fast enough though, and it clipped my side. Didn’t get through the mail, but I’d have a hell of a bruise.

I managed to roll a bit away from my attacker, a big brute of a Dog around twice my height and three times my weight counting armour. That gave me enough time to pull out a weapon only to realise I didn’t have my sword. I spotted it, behind the big Dog, and reached for my backup, a dagger around four inches long. It’d have to do. He swung from the side, a wide, wild swing that probably could have cut rock. I dodged backwards and moved in as his swing went past. I sliced at him with the dagger.

He was faster than he looked. He knocked my arm away then hit me with the flat of the axe, knocking me down again. He stood over me, axe raised for another swing. Then his arm fell to his side, the axe slipping from his paw. He looked at me with the oddest expression, like someone had told him a funny joke about his mother and he wasn’t sure if he should laugh or not, and then collapsed in the dirt. Behind him was an earth pony holding a bloody spear in her mouth.

“Thanks, Ironshod,” I said, standing. She gave me a smile around the spear and went to help move the fallen Dog’s. While I was checking my injuries and helping to look over the injured ponies, of which there were a couple series ones now, Shining Armour had the unicorns stop firing. He wanted us to go inside and rescue any slaves. They were probably already dead, either killed by the fire or by Diamond Dog’s out of revenge, but I wasn’t going to mention that. I pretended to agree with him, and set about taking over.

“You’ll need to stay out here,” I told him. “The wounded will need protected, and you have the best shields. Plus, this way we won’t both be killed if the Dogs cause a cave in.” He couldn’t argue with that. Well, he could, but he couldn’t win, so he reluctantly agreed. I left him a third of the troops, the group he had been in, and took my group and the other one below.

The tunnels were dark, smelly and surprisingly spacious. Though Diamond Dogs stood half again as tall as ponies, and were probably twice as wide as well, so the extra space made sense. The unicorns with use lit their horns, casting shifting, multicoloured lights down the town. The tunnel was a smooth oval, too smooth to be natural, but it also seemed too smooth to be crafted by hand. It sloped gradually downwards, blackened by ash and soot. It was like stepping into an oven, with how warm it was. I don’t think the ponies would last long in this heat.

It wasn’t long before we spotted the first bodies. Charred and melting, they lay on the floor of the tunnel, burned as they tried to run. The smell of burning hair was thick, almost palpable. Some of the guards, the newer recruits I think, started retching and heaving at the smell. Some of the veterans didn’t seem to happy to be there either.

Moving past the corpses, the tunnel sloped down more, taking us increasingly deeper with each step. The smell didn’t let up. It only got worse. The heat got less as we walked though, which was good. We came across bodies every few feet. Two here, a half dozen there, that sort of thing. Only some were charred now. As we went deeper, more and more had suffocated, the air underground stolen by the flames. Before long, we came to a cavern, the ceiling of the cave disappearing upwards beyond what the unicorns could illuminate.

It was here we found the survivors.

They must have seen our light as we came down the tunnel, because they tried to ambush us. They managed it as well, because hoofsteps on stone made a lot of sound. The moment I stepped out of the tunnel I was struck on the back of the head. I fell forward and landed hard, head first. My head seemed to ring as the world spun first one way, then another. After some time had passed, the ringing left and the music returned, followed closely by the sounds of fighting.

Something in my head shouted at me to moved, and I rolled to the side just in time to avoid an axe aimed at my head. I leapt to my feet, drawing my sword as I rose, and swung wildly. The Dog leapt back and I followed, moving inside his swing. A short, quick thrust to the gut, a twist or two and I could leave him for dead. I kicked him in the throat for good measure anyway.

The rest of the Dogs, being tired and scared, were quickly cut down by the ponies and I, most of whom were merely tired. Those we didn’t kill ran. I was tempted to follow them to clean up, but if I got any slaves out then Celestia would be more likely to let me take some troops and clear them out of Equestria. We searched the cavern as well as we could, and found none. We found a few tunnels branching off in various directions. Leaving a trio of ponies, one of each race, in the cavern with orders to leave if they didn’t here back from us in two hours to watch the couple wounded we had, I led the remainder deeper into the tunnels. We walked for an hour or so, jumping at every sound in the darkness. We knew there were still Dogs out there, and they would be in a vengeful rage, or else backed into a corner, neither of which was something I wanted to fight. Not without an advantage of my own, at least.

I had the unicorns start rotating their lights to conserve energy. Should have done it earlier, but I just hadn’t though of it. Had them use a red light as well. I vaguely remembered something about that not hurting eyes as much. I figured we could use it to see, then when we found Dogs flare a different coloured light to blind them.

Walking down the tunnels I was almost constantly on edge. I kept my sword out and my crossbow, loaded with one of those heavy bolts, easily within reach. I walked slowly and listened as hard as I could.

I still didn’t hear the second ambush.

It came just as the tunnel started to widen. The first blow practically sent me flying this time. I definitely left the ground. I managed to roll sideways when I landed, meaning it only hurt a lot. I finished rolling in a crouch, holding my crossbow. Taking a couple seconds to stop wobbling and aim, I shot a Dog in the chest, the bolt hitting him square, but it was too far to do much damage. The crossbow wasn’t strong enough to long the heavy bolts very far.

After I fired, I dropped the crossbow and shouted “Flare!”, turning my head and shielding my eyes with my hand. Even then I still saw a bright white light. Dogs and ponies screamed. I looked back to the cavern. I could see the light was red again, but that was all. It took a second or three for my eyes to start working right, and as soon as they did I got to work. I cut down the pair of Diamond Dogs closest to me before moving to clear those nearest to the ponies. I put down a half dozen more, slitting throats and moving on, before they managed to get any sort of resistance together.

From the sheer number of them I could tell this wouldn’t be easy. But I saw a flash of bright fur behind them, and knew why. They were protecting their slaves, their ‘property’. We stood in two groups for a moment, looking at each other, neither side willing to make the first move and start the melee. Then a dog behind the front line roared something in a guttural language, all deep r’s and long vowels, and the moment was gone. The Dogs charged, roaring and frothing.

I managed to reload and fire my crossbow as they ran, taking a Dog in the eyes. I couldn’t fight the urge to smile at what was probably my best shot so far. So I was grinning when I stepped back, away from the Dog’s charge and into the tunnels.

The cramped tunnels gave us an advantage over the Dogs. I could stand with a pony either side of me, and the unicorns could fire over the ponies heads, whereas the Dogs could only face us two at a time. I managed to reload again, but didn’t have time to fire. I dropped the crossbow into the bolt quiver and had to hope it wouldn’t go off.

It was maybe twelve dead Dogs into the fight when I realised I made a mistake. Diamond Dogs, you see, are very, very good at digging. So when they popped out the tunnel behind us, I shouldn’t have been surprised. We were quickly squashed between the two groups, like a bug under a falling hammer. We made them bleed for every inch, and I think one of the unicorns managed to teleport away, but those that weren’t killed then were captured. They had to kill some more before the ponies stopped resisting, but I didn’t think they cared. They were too happy to have some more slaves. I was bound and blindfolded before being half dragged, half carried somewhere.

Author's Note:

Go go Gadget Chapter 8!

So yeah, new chapter. Getting darker, but I'm pretty sure it's not unexpected. I don't think it'll ever get bad enough for the DARK tag though.

Next chapter is due two weeks from now. I'll try and get a mini-update out between now and then, but no promises.

Also, this fic is now novel-length. Woo!

Comments

[Some random Rapidash]

Yay! Novel Length!

[BleepBloop2]

3336575

Yeah, I'm happy about it as well. Now to get it novel quality, and then comes the money and the power.

[La Barata]

Hey there! I’m La Barata, and welcome to…

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I’m your assigned W.R.I.T.E. Reviewer, and here’s how things are gonna work. There are going to be three sections to this review, three main areas: Literary, Technical and a summary with some notes.

Literary will be your basic story elements. We’re gonna talk plot, setting, characters, all the things that make your story a story. I’m not gonna try to talk about the story you’ve written, I’m gonna talk about the story you’re TRYING to write, if that makes any sense.

The technical section is where I’m gonna focus on your spelling, grammar, formatting and all those tricky little things that lots of folks seem to have an issue with, all the little things that my third grade teacher beat me for messing up you need to know to make your story technically great.

The last section is where I summarize what I’ve already told you. Basically, it’s gonna be a quick reference guide for you, easily accessible when you’re reworking chapters and rewriting sections. In addition, it’s where I’m going to put some personal notes. It’ll be stuff like my overall impressions of the story, personal opinions and SCP-1098 other little things, in addition to other notes that I don’t really think fit in the other sections.

SO! Let’s take a look, shall we?

First and foremost, let’s talk characters. Let’s go over those in the first few chapters: The Mane 6, The Princesses and Michael. For starters, I really like how you’ve done Celestia. She really does have the feel of an ancient, almost tired ruler, pondering how best to care for the ponies she needs to protect. She’s got a bit of the manipulator in her, and we get a clear view of her playing a long game with Twilight and Michael. You can tell that she really does care for both of them, and that she’s really trying to look out for their best interests, despite how difficult Michael makes it for her sometimes. There’s a little bit of enmity between them which you make pretty clear, but we can tell that despite all that, they do care for each other on some level.

Now, let’s take a look at the Mane 6. You did a pretty decent job of characterizing them, I think, but it’s a little weak. You got their characters down decently, but they’re really sort of one dimensional. This IS, though, something you improve upon in later chapters, and you’re starting to get better at it. One point I particularly liked for characterization, though, was Michael’s sparring match with Dash. I can honestly see her losing her cool and starting to get a good bit more violent once she starts losing, simply out of pure frustration. You did a good job there.

Finally, I’d like to look at Twilight and Michael together. You’ve created an interesting dynamic between these two, and truthfully, it’s one I’m fond of. They obviously care about each other a lot, and you manage to carry the message across rather well. They’ve grown up together, and it shows. You don’t tell us that he cares about her, you SHOW us. This isn’t some sort of Mario Bros. romance in which we’re told THIS IS YOUR WOMAN YOU LOVE HER GO SAVE HER, to blatantly steal from a critic far better than myself (And yes, I know it’s not actually a romance but it still fits).

Next, let’s look at the story. Alright, gonna take a moment here and be a little candid. I’ll admit it. When I got sent a HiE fic, I rolled my eyes. “Oh, bloody hell. Not another one of these ones”, I said to myself. “Well, I’ll just bite the bullet and read a chapter or two, then I’ll review it and be done with it”. And so I read a chapter. And then another. And another and another and another. And then four more. I’ve gotta say, you really impressed me with this. You can count it favourited once this review’s posted. You’ve come up with something rather clever, and you’ve executed it beautifully. You’ve created a great story here, and you do something that I absolutely LOVE:

THE PRACTICAL THING.

Nightmare Moon shows up? Let’s use the purple talking unicorn as a distraction while we BEAT HER ASS.

piclair.com/data/y6pxx.jpg

It’s one thing you do that I really do find refreshing. You take the simple, uncomplicated route, which so few people do.

Everything that happens is completely believable. Everything that happens to these characters in this setting is entirely believable, in that I can totally see it happening. The characters being beautifully in character helps to make just about everything that happens perfectly believable, and it’s honestly quite the fun story to read. I’m not sure if there’s much more I can say on this one. I won’t say it’s perfect, because that’s unfair to both you and to anyone reading this review, but I WILL say that it’s VERY good.

However, as I said, it’s not perfect, and it wouldn’t be fair to anyone to say it is. There are a few things I might change throughout, starting with the prologue.

In the prologue, the first five paragraphs, you explain to us something that happened. Something that could have been absolutely fucking metal if we watched it happen. We join up with Celestia, who’s sitting here across from Michael and next to Twilight, and we’re told how he straight up threw down on several guards, putting one of them in the hospital. We’re told of how he saved Twilight and Spike from the collapsing tower. The problem here, though, is the word told. You TELL us about this awesome fight with guards and daring rescue from a tower, followed by an enforced quarantine. How cool would it have been for you to show it to us?

Another similar issue a bit later on. We’re basically just TOLD that ‘Oh, he became a guard’. SHOW us some bits of his training. Show us how he got where he is, where he might have learned some of his ideals, his morals, a few little things he might’ve overcome that made him a better person and who he is today.

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Alright, now that we’ve gotten the literary aspect out of the way, it’s time to move onto the more technical areas. Unfortunately, there ARE some issues, but at the same time, the reason I’m writing this is so that you can improve.

For starters, you seem to have issues in places with the contractions, its vs. it’s, your vs. you’re, that sort of thing.

As I tell everyone who asks, the best way I’ve found to differentiate between the ones that use apostrophes and the ones that don’t is to simply remember that the apostrophe is there to squeeze two words together. You’re is a contraction of ‘you’ and ‘are’, while it’s is a contraction of ‘it’ and ‘is’. Just say the sentence out to yourself robotically, like you’re the borg. If it ends up being ‘it is’, then use an apostrophe. Make any sense? An even simpler way to remember: In the case of your and its, If it’s a possessive, there’s no apostrophe.

In addition to that, you tend to forget to use apostrophes with other possessives. Twilight's, Rainbow Dash's, Fluttershy's, Applejack's, Pinkie Pie's, Rarity's. If it belongs to someone, it's 's.

There are a few minor sentence structure and paragraph formatting issues near the beginning, but honestly? You steadily improve as the fic continues, and there’s really not all that much for me to say on this front besides what I’ve already said that wouldn’t be simply nitpicking at various little errors.

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Finally, we’re gonna get to section 3. Summary and a few notes.

LITERARY ASPECT

1. You tend to hide some of the better scenes, only telling us what’s happened after the fact. Try to keep us in the action, that’s where the best parts lie.

2. The mane 6 are a bit one dimensional. Try fleshing them out a bit more.

TECHNICAL ASPECT

1. Your apostrophes need work in places, especially in your possessives

2. You might want to tighten up your paragraph formatting and sentence structure.

And that’s it, really. Seriously, this is one of the best fics I’ve ever reviewed. You’re pretty solid technically, you’re a great character writer and you’ve come up with an interesting take on their world. You’ve done a damn good job of this, and you should be pretty damn proud of it.

Keep up the good work,

~La Barata, W.R.I.T.E.’s Drunken Scottish Priest.

[BleepBloop2]

3355124

First of all, I want to thank you for taking the time to review my story, especially so in depth.

Now, on to the content of your reply.

My plan at first was to show the whole magic accident, and you're right, it could have been amazing. It really could have. It's just, at the time I didn't think I was a good enough writer to do it justice. I have trouble with descriptions, being very literal minded, and that would need some good descriptions. I'm a bit more confident now, but I'll want some more practice before I try anything too epic.

As for the becoming a guard thing, yeah, I probably should have shown more of that. I've got some spare writing time during the week now, so I might do an out-take sort of thing. A rough structure for it has been floating around my head for a while, but I want to focus on the main story before doing anything else. Also got a few ideas for between his arrival and him joining the Guard.

As for doing the practical thing, see above re: literal mindedness.

For the technical aspect, my excuse is I didn't have time to do much editing on a chapter-a-week schedule. I don't have an editor or proofreader, it's just me. It should improve now I've changed it to two-a-week, but no promises.

Finally, thanks for the favourite and the praise. It really does mean a lot, especially the part about Celestia, as that was what I was aiming for with her, and wasn't sure if I had hit the mark. I'll do my best to work on the points you mentioned.

P.S. <-- that was my face after reading your review.

[La Barata]

3356259 At any rate, you did a pretty damn good job.

Keep up the good work!