Coolest Cat in the Citadel

by Simon Cowell

Really? My Skin?

So, if you remember, I punched a guard in the face earlier.Now I'm usually pretty confident in my intelligence, but that may have been a terrible idea because I'm being dragged by my legs by what I assume is a lynch mob. Racism is rampant on my planet, so I know all about lynch mobs. They're probably going to cover me with tar and feathers. Jokes on them, I'll just restart at the last checkpoint and have all my ammo back.

While I scheme, the stupid guards say dumb things like: "what is it?" and "how does its blood taste?"

They're so stupid, you'd think they'd never seen a zombie with space armor before. And what is this about eating my flesh? Pfft, I'd like to see them try it. I'm so fresh, they call me strawberry. Actually that's not true; if anyone were to call me strawberry I'd be very upset. Speaking of strawberries, these ponies are probably delicious. Maybe I'll eat a few once I slaughter them all.

All of these adorable(yet so annoying) guard ponies pull me into a big castle, and my god is is stupid. Everything is pink, and covered in flowers. The king here must be a total queer...not that there's anything wrong with that. It's okay to be gay, let's rejoice with the boys.

Anyway, they're dragging me across the floor, and I'm getting a serious rug burn on my neck. Once these stupid hoof-rats kill me I'm going to slaughter them. That not withstanding, they've pulled me to what I assume is the thrown room, and too send me towards a bird in a chair.

"Rise for the princess you criminal." States the guard I'm going to kill first.

I stand up and look around for a princess. The pidgeon in front of me coos.

"Yes Celestia, I shall leave you with the prisoner."

The guards exit, leaving me in the same room as this retarded pidgeon creature, which by the way will not stop cooing.

Naturally the only way to deal with this bird is with a strong slap in the beak, so I do exactly that; sending the stupid thing hurtling towards the far wall. It quickly flaps its wings, stopping in midair. This is no normal pidgeon if it can survive the slap of justice. It must be a hypno-pidgeon.

I dash forward, kicking the bird in the face. It reclgroups quickly, dive-bombing my face. I pluck it out of midair, squeezing its throat. It caws loudly, so I snap its birdy neck.

Almost instantaneously, the guards rush in, spears in hand, only to see me stomping on a dead pidgeon.

"What are you doing, whelp? Where the hell is our princess?"

Now I don't know what a whelp is, but I take no shit from anybody! I run up to the guard and punch his lights out.

"Please stop punching our guards!"

"Lol nope."

"That's it! Forget the damn trial; we're going to punish you right now!"

"Yeah? What are you gonna do, k-k-kill me?" I say in mock fear. If you remember, I'm Commander Shepard, so I'll just restart with all my ammo. Besides, I'm not a scared of any big, bad ponies.

"No, we're gonna eat your skin."

"Not by the hair on my chinny chin chin." I reply. I normally wouldn't be so cockey, but these things barely go above my knees. At...perfect...skin-eating height.

This sudden realization startles me as the guards bare their sharp teeth. I should've known; ponies. Are the deadliest predators in all of the universe. They charge, their diamond-esque teeth ripping my armor to shreds. Soon they are upon me, rending my flesh with their powerful jaws.

Once all of my skin is gone, the ponies back off and stand on their front hooves. To my horror, their legs detatch, squirming around me and into my eyes.

Slowly the pony legs crawl through my eyes and into my brain, eating away the brain matter, greatly reducing my intelligence.

it herts rely bad but-

______________________________

The guard ponies sprout new legs and return to their current duty of dancing in the street.

Callin' out around the world
Are you ready for a brand new beat?
Summer's here and the time is right
For dancin' in the streets

They're dancin' in Horsecago
Down in New Horseleans
Up in Griffon City

All we need is music, sweet music
There'll be music everywhere
There'll be swingin', swayin' and records playin'
And dancin' in the streets

Oh, it doesn't matter what you wear
Just as long as you are there
So come on, every guy grab a girl
Everywhere around the world

There'll be dancin'
They're dancin' in the street

This is an invitation across the nation
A chance for the folks to meet
There'll be laughin' and singin' and music swingin'
And dancin' in the streets

Fillydelphia
(Fillydelphia)
Baltimare and DC now
(Baltimore and DC now)
Yeah, don't forget the Mareter City
(Can't forget the Mareter City)

All we need is music, sweet music
There'll be music everywhere
There'll be swingin', swayin' and records playin'
And dancin' in the street, yeah

Oh, it doesn't matter what you wear
Just as long as you are there
So come on, every guy grasp a girl
Everywhere around the world

There'll be dancin'
They're dancin' in the streets

Fillydelphia, PA
(Fillydelphia, PA)
Baltimare and DC now
(Baltimare and DC now)
Yeah, don't forget the Mareter City
(Can't forget the Mareter City)

All the way down in LA, Calfifornia
Not to mention Horsefax, Brova Scotia, Winchester
Phalicandria, Mareginia, Mareginia

Author's Note:

Join us next time when Shepard respawns with weapons.

I fully admit to having been too lazy to change the lyrics.

Comments

[spetsnaz pinkie pie]

This is the strangest crap I have ever read and. It. Is. AWESOME!!!

[dustor7689]

Dafuq did I just read?

[Unused]

This don't make no sense. That's why it's.....

AWESOME.

[Good Christian Ethesto]

I got a boner when the guards' sex legs crawled into Bob's skull.

[Regidar]

The king here must be a total queer...not that there's anything wrong with that. It's okay to be gay, let's rejoice with the boys.

damn straight nigga