Comes A Change

by BrownieHoof

Timber Wolves and The Stare

Just like the beginning of his adventure in Ponyville, he was back in the Emergency Pony Care Center. "Great," He moaned, being forever prodded by rods and other things. The curtain moved, and in came Pinkie Pie. "My Pinkie Sense tells me one of my new friends is unhappy, that it is about to rain, and that you ate a whole stack of brownies!"

First, Rainbow Dash mishandled a thundercloud and rain started pouring on Brownie Hoof.

Second, he was very unhappy, and also mad about all the dumb stuff that were prodding him.

Third, the brownies he ate last night added up to nausea.

"I...I feel sick." Brownie Hoof uttered, and he grabbed a bucket Pinkie Pie was holding and threw up.

"Ew!" Pinkie Pie screamed and tossed the bucket away. She hopped away, saying, "Wee!"

The curtain rumbled again and in came Fluttershy. "Oh, I came once I heard. Are you all right?" Fluttershy spoke, shyly investigating Brownie Hoof.

"I don't think just any animal did this," A purple unicorn spoke, and Brownie Hoof guessed it was Twilight. She was the only one who hadn't met him yet.

"Hey sugar cube, I brought you a brownie." Applejack yelled, coming in from the curtain. "No thanks Applejack," Brownie Hoof replied to her, nodding at the bucket.

Twilight paced herself around Brownie Hoof as if he was a science project. She was flipping through the pages of a book again. Fluttershy almost forgot to feed her animals, and absently yelped "Oh, um, I need to go..." "Eep!" Fluttershy quickly hugged Brownie Hoof and took the brownie from Applejack. "Sorry..." Applejack noticed she run away quicker than usual. "What was that about?" She asked, bringing the other ponies to attention. The others shook their heads in question.

"I finally figured out what hit Brownie Hoof!" Twilight screamed, making Rarity jump.

"Oh, dear, my hair!" Rarity yelled, grabbing the nearest comb.

In the distance, a group of Timberwolves ran toward the town of Ponyville.

"Did anyone hear that?" Pinkie Pie screamed, coming back to Brownie Hoof. "It sounded like a pack of Timberwolves are going to raid Ponyville and destroy it!"

"Now, sugar, that's impossible. Er, right everypony?" Applejack questioned, wondering if the Pinkie Sense would prevail.

By the time everypony shook their heads, rumbling noises were heard outside. A growl or two, and then an all out storm. "It's everypony for herself!" Rarity gasped, galloping away.

Brownie Hoof finally slid out of his bed and got on his hooves. The first pony to notice was Applejack, who was reluctantly stepping back.

"No! The doctor hasn't let you-" Applejack started, Brownie Hoof shockingly shoving his hoof to her mouth. "Mmf!" Applejack mumbled, and Brownie Hoof let go. "A simple sign woulda been just all fine n' dandy, Brownie." Applejack sighed, stepping out to watch the wolves. "Winona!" She cried, Winona coming to her side immediately. They rushed out of sight, the last words from Applejack calling, "Put em' up Winona!"

Twilight finally spoke, "A Timberwolf attacked you, Brownie Hoof." Twilight sighed and went outside to use her magic on the wolves.

Rainbow Dash rolled off her cloud that was mistaken for a decoration and yelled, "I think I'll be going too." As she headed off to bust the Timberwolves.

Brownie Hoof was left with Pinkie Pie. She scrunched her face and screamed, "Ohmygosh Ohmygosh Ohmygosh!" Without leaving time for Brownie Hoof to ask anything, she yelled, "My cupcakes are in danger! Don't worry cupcakes! Auntie Pinkie Pie is coming!" With that, she dashed off in the direction of Sugarcube Corner.

When Brownie Hoof came outside, the town was a mess of dirt and powder. He leaped onto a Timber Wolf, missed, and was tackled by two others. Applejack pulled him out of the heap.

"Ya got some nerve messing with these demons," Applejack explained, emphasizing by knocking down a row of Timber Wolves. "Winona! Take em' out!" She hollered, pointing at the Everfree Forest. Applejack galloped away to catch up with Winona, leaving Brownie Hoof distraught.

When Brownie Hoof restored his will and courage and thought about a wonderful reward of brownies. Which, of course, he would have to buy. He steadied his hooves, positioned himself, and lunged at a Timber Wolf. His timing was perfect, and he landed straight onto the back of a Timber Wolf.

Due to the sudden weight on his back, the Timber Wolf shook himself to no relief. His shaking paved way to a traffic jam and five other Timber Wolves crashed into him.

Brownie Hoof jumped out of an aura of smoke and was covered in dirt. "Oh my, you look terrible!" Rarity yelped, immediately dragging him to her Boutique. Brownie Hoof only stayed to fix his mane and tail. Until he was granted to take a warm bath. His worries vanished once he stepped in the warmth of the water.

Later, he was done and wiped himself off. "Oh my goodness, I almost forgot! Clothing!" Rarity remembered, rushing away for materials.

Brownie Hoof snuck out of the giant thing he was in, and strode home. He didn't get far until bystanders started looking at him. Applejack joined him and he slowed down. "Did ya'll really attack the Wolves?" She whispered in his ear, repeating a rumor.

Regardless of the audience, Brownie Hoof nodded proudly, and almost forgot about his brownie reward. A sharp turn towards Sugarcube Corner and Applejack knew what he was going for. She winked and he strode away.

"Did you-" Pinkie Pie started, Brownie Hoof nodding to stop her. "Do you want the regular?" Pinkie Pie asked, trying to stay as normal as possible. "I'm sorry I can't stay quiet I'm just so excited you took down a group of wolves like this!" She clapped, and continued, "And then you were just out of the pile like nothing even happened!" Pinkie Pie swayed, and gave him a free pile of brownies.

"Just call it a sample! Auntie Pinkie Pie always likes to make ponies smile!" Smile is just what Brownie Hoof did when he recieved the stack, savoring every soft, crunchy, chocolate bite. It was the most bliss thing he had ever tasted.

When he was done rubbing his stomach, Brownie Hoof travelled back home, trotting overly quick. Most of every pony felt an aura of willpower whenever Brownie Hoof came along. Most ponies would never even face a Timber Wolf. Even Applejack had only done it a couple times.

At his house, Brownie Hoof was doing some cleaning. Every thing from chairs to crumbs were scattered. Brownie Hoof came up with the wits to get it done quick. A paced catnap was the perfect answer to the exhausted Brownie Hoof.

When he was done, a quiet knock on the door called for his attention. Fluttershy was there, absently staring at the ground. "Welcome Fluttershy," Brownie Hoof politely whispered, inviting Fluttershy in. The room was as shiny as gold due to Brownie Hoof's cleaning.

"I, um, wanted to ask if you'd come with me to the Trotting Truffle restaurant?" Fluttershy squeaked, wanting to hide under one of Brownie Hoof's tables. "Er, just as friends?" She stated, nearly losing it. When Brownie Hoof nodded, she sighed in relief and handed him a note.

"I've already invited Applejack out once, this'll be fine," Brownie Hoof assured Fluttershy, patting her on the back.

Fluttershy left his house quickly, but positively trotting all the way.

The note read,

Meet me at Sweet Apple Acres during the sunset,

Brownie Hoof was surprised. "Why there?" He muttered, tucking himself into a smooth, furry blanket.

The sky was a shade of purple and orange, indicating the sunset. Brownie Hoof was awaken by a loud alarm clock that was smacking his Everfree wood table. "Dammit," He groaned, moving off the couch.

By the time he got to Sweet Apple Acres, Fluttershy was already there, hiding behind an apple tree. "Fluttershy, git outta there!" Applejack yapped, making Fluttershy wince. Applejack did her 'be honest' look, and Fluttershy was out of there like she was stung by a bee.

"Uh, oh I have to feed my animals!" Fluttershy whispered, flapping her wings to get out of her situation.

Applejack jumped on her, the result being an "Eep!" from Fluttershy. "Alright, now ya'll gotta go somewhere now, right?" Applejack asked, pulling Fluttershy up.

"Mhm," Fluttershy stuttered, nodding.

"So then git!" Applejack yelled, shooing them off.

"So, uh-" Fluttershy started, handing Brownie Hoof a pass.

"I've got this handled," Brownie Hoof interrupted, walking ahead. When a bystander walked by, Brownie Hoof dismissed them like nothing and pulled Fluttershy ahead. By the time they were at Trotting Truffle a rumor had started like a fire.

Everywhere they went inside the restaurant a face poked out of the scene and was pulled into the rumor like quicksand. "Why are they looking at us like that?" Fluttershy asked quietly, trying to shed herself.

"It's nothing," Brownie Hoof assured, taking her clean hoof from across the table.

"Are...Are you sure?" Fluttershy questioned, waiting for an answer.

Outside, Brownie Hoof could see the mare that fashion designer Rarity had yelled at a few days ago trying to pass off staring for kicking invisible clouds. Then, he saw her lie down in the sky, laughing. He shook his head and dismissed the thought.

Fluttershy was unfortunately looking the entire time. "Is she-"

"Yup,"

"Is it because-"

"Yes,"

"And-"

"Mhm."

"Can I-"

"After dinner," Brownie Hoof finished, leading to a calmness that would last until the end of their, in Applejack's vision, 'fancy' dinner.

When they finished, Fluttershy flew out slowly and Brownie payed and tipped. "RAINBOW DASH!" Fluttershy hollered, making Rainbow Dash quickly fall to the ground and sit to attention. "DON'T STALK US! EVER!"

"Uh, yes Fluttershy!" Rainbow Dash spoke, flying away as fast as lightning.

"If you come back, I'll give you THE STARE!" Fluttershy added, Brownie Hoof catching up to her.

"What's the stare?" Brownie Hoof asked, emphasizing 'the stare'.

"Oh, I insist I shouldn't show you. You would be too scared." Fluttershy mumbled, turning away.

"Show me!" Brownie Hoof exclaimed, facing her face.

"No!"

"Do it!"

"Please, no!"

"Come on!"

"Okay, but it might be too scary," Fluttershy finished, preparing her stare.

Brownie Hoof's world was focused onto Fluttershy, free of distraction. Her face glowed, and it was almost too bright. But years of too much light in his home had prepared Brownie Hoof for that moment. When it looked like he was about to blink, he stopped.

Nearly five minutes later, Fluttershy gave up. Panting, she gasped, "How...are...you...immune?"

Brownie Hoof had absolutely no answer to that question, so he shrugged.

"How can you shake it off like that?" Fluttershy questioned, shaking his body. She put her hands to his face, and asked, "How did you do that! I must know!" Fluttershy was so close she was breathing on him.

"I just don't know!" Brownie Hoof yelled, nearly blowing Fluttershy's face off.

Fluttershy let go, and stepped back. "Oh well, I'll just figure out myself." Fluttershy mumbled, and in a louder voice, spoke, "I'm watching you..." To emphasize, she Pinkie Promised. Then, she ran off to her cottage.

Brownie Hoof had absolutely no idea what she did, but he guessed it had something to do with a promise. Brownie Hoof galloped off to his cottage home. His home was still as glossy as Rarity's clothes. At the least, he thought so. He was still stuffed from the restaurant and tucked himself onto the couch. He grabbed a nearby blanket and rested from a long day.

Author's Note:

The next chapter is already written.

Comments

[kalash93]

Alright, let me try to be helpful here.

First, I must ask you this: Is English is your first language? I get a very strong feeling that it isn’t.

Your writing feels incredibly clunky and stolid. There is minimal flow between anything. Events just seem to happen for completely impenetrable reasons. I’ve gone through three chapters, and for the life of me, I honestly cannot identify any sort of plot threads or character arcs. It reminds me of the Call of Duty: Black Ops approach to storytelling, in that you just hurl the reader into scenes and make as much stuff happen as quickly as possible. It’s like reading a bunch of quick snippets that sort form a storyline. It’s like trying to piece together the plot of a movie by watching it during the commercial breaks of the main show you’re interested in. The whole thing feels more disjointed than a disorganized schizophrenic on LSD. I can’t fathom how or why anything happens in this story. Stuff just happens for no reason. Nothing makes any sense. There is a difference between a laconic narrative focused on the present, and a narrative that never shuts up or bothers to let the reader in on anything.

For example, Machine Bump is well established as being a shithole. However, it‘s only just over a year old and built by a rich pony for some completely absent reason. Only somehow, it’s already developed its own culture, economy, and even a sort of history. It’s an industrial town right in the middle of strategically vital fucking nowhere. There’s no reason to be there; nobody comes there to trade. It has its own special currency, and the only way to get it is to go elsewhere, which costs that unique currency, because there is absolutely bugger all in way of economic opportunity. Why even fucking exist? It’s obvious that the whole damn place is a waste and money sink for all involved. Being there is terrible, but somehow, you can’t leave, despite that being a common aspiration, even though apparently everybody seems to simultaneously want to stay. And means of escape are easily available. However, the penalty for trying to leave is being kicked out of the town, which is exactly what they want and a bad thing? That makes absolutely zero sense!

Your OC is not helping. Brownie Hoof arrives in Ponyville. For some reason, everyone seems to have a phobia of him, but at the same time, characters are willing to instantly be his best friend. The whole thing is very confusing and jumbled. He gets tapped on the flank, which somehow instantly makes him faint. The character doesn’t seem to have much of a personality for all I can tell. If he does, it’s just so utterly bland and unremarkable that I didn’t even notice because it all got drowned out by everything else. The audience has no reason to like or care about him. He is completely forgettable. Does he have an interesting character? No. Does he have any charisma? No, not that this keeps him from being popular with the mares. Does he stand out at all? No. I can’t even recall him ever initiating or being an active protagonist. Things just happen to him, and he goes along like a nondescript, brown, Mary Sue jellyfish floating on the ineffable currents of the plot. I can’t even remember a single thing any character has said. Your canon characters seem like very weak caricatures of who they are in the show. Look, I’m trying to find positives to this story, but it’s really tough.

Now, your syntax and style are absolutely dreadful. What’s the issue? It’s just plain bad, clunky, and oftentimes weird writing. You do so many short paragraphs of a few sentences or maybe even just one line. Those are not necessary. You could easily fuse enough of your paragraphs together to save screens of space. One problem of using lots of monotonous little paragraphs is that it makes things feel longer. Your second chapter was not even 3000 words long, but it felt oh so much longer than that. At least your grammar is technically passable, usually. Your prose is just so bad that I don’t know where to start or what to diagnose. I’d l to say that you need to pick if you’re going to build scenes or just go summarize it all like a report. Your style feels like you want to build scenes, but then everything else is so hurried that any chance of actually experiencing a narrative like that is dashed. It’s like trying to get five feet of length out of three feet of extension cord. It hits its limit and you suddenly realize that you have to settle for a lamp on your desk instead of your nightstand, so you just drop it there and move on. So much just constantly feels cut short. However, the feeling I get from the pacing is that you want to tell a much more leisurely tale. This is the writing equivalent of getting bored and walking off halfway through something just was it getting to the good part. Nothing seems to lead anywhere. Transitions are alarmingly absent. Nothing flows together. It all feels like a computer looked up words in a dictionary and simply pieced them together. As for your diction and syntax, all I can say is that what you are doing does not work. I’ve never seen any writing style like yours. Call it Avante-garde if you must, but that doesn’t save it from being broken and borderline unreadable. The fanfiction would be significantly improved if you were to just simply rephrase what you have so that it sounded more pleasant and natural. My number one complaint is that I find your syntax to be excruciatingly awful.

I want you to read twenty good stories by at least five different respectable authors. Take note of their styles and word choices. Pay attention to how they write. Look at what is put together and also think about what is not put together. Think about if the words would sound pleasant to you if you heard them read aloud. Ask yourself this: If they were to be read aloud to a packed sports stadium, and they gave out your real name and address, would you be honestly feel confident that by and large, the audience would be very pleased with the results, or would you be dreading an avalanche of hate mail?

As for mood and tone, I can’t find anything. The whole experience is downright flat and uninteresting. No conflicts develop. Storylines seem to just magically materialize and disappear in and out of the aether. It’s boring and desperately lacking in personality and charm. Listen, stories where an outsider becomes best buddies with mane six and get sucked into the show have very poor reputations.

One more thing: Seriously, get a damn good editor. You need one. Oh, and look up guides to fiction writing. Pay careful attention to those.

That’s all I can say now. I hope that this helps you. I don’t want to be mean, nor do I enjoy beating down stories and authors. However, I have to be brutally honest with this story. I’m not insulting you or telling you to quit. I’m just telling you that much needs drastic improvement.