Chapter 45
Starbloom and Sweetie sat quietly in the waiting room waiting for their chance to go see Apple Bloom. The nurse only let a handful go back at a time. Applejack and Big Mac both had come out after about half an hour going back to Sweet Apple Acres to get some rest.
Starbloom and Sweetie went in next after Applejack and Big Mac, having been requested by Apple Bloom. They followed the nurse back to the room and went inside smiling and headed over to the bed standing next to it on one side. Featherweight was standing on the other side.
"Hi Apple Bloom, how are you feeling?" Sweetie asked after they got into the room and settled into place next to the bed. She held the small colt in her forehooves softly smiling over at the two.
"I'm doin alright Sweetie Belle, just a little worn out," Apple Bloom said smiling as she relaxed in the bed looking. She adjusted the colt in her forehooves a bit so they could get a better look at him. "This is Cinnamon Apple."
Starbloom and Sweetie looked at the small colt smiling, the colt had a light brown in coat with a reddish mane and tail like Apple Bloom's. "He's really cute Apple Bloom," Sweetie said smiling. Cinnamon opened his eyes for a moment looking at Sweetie and Starbloom before closing his eyes again, the eyes being brown like Featherweight's.
Apple Bloom smiled again watching Cinnamon before looking at Starbloom and Sweetie. "Thank you, I wish Scootaloo had been here as well. But I'll write her and let her know." She said resting Cinnamon back against her chest softly holding him.
"I know she would have come if she had a chance," Sweetie said looking over at Starbloom who nodded in agreement. "Same with Rainbow Dash, I know she would have come also."
"How long do they plan on keeping you here?" Starbloom asked tilting her head faintly.
Apple Bloom nodded at Sweetie before looking over at Starbloom, "They want to keep me for two days to make sure everything is fine, he did come a little early. But I think he just got impatient." Apple Bloom said smiling.
"He takes after his mother like that." Featherweight said joking, and Apple Bloom smirked at him. "What? You know it's true.... even you said so yourself. I'm to impatient to be patient back when you was still trying to get a cutie mark." He added giving her a cheesy grin.
Sweetie Belle and Starbloom both giggled softly nodding in agreement. Apple Bloom just rolled her eyes and softly rocked the colt in her arms. "Sure, tease the tired defenseless mother," Apple Bloom said in mock protest.
Starbloom reached up and ruffled Apple Bloom mane a bit smiling at her. "We tease because we care." She said and Apple Bloom smiled.
"We should go, you have a waiting room full of guests waiting to see you and you need some rest." Sweetie said moving to her hooves, Starbloom getting to her hooves as well. "Anyone we should send in next?"
Apple Bloom considered for a moment smiling. "Rarity and Fluttershy I think, would like to hold off on Pinkie as long as I can, she gets rather excited around foals and wont want to leave."
Sweetie and Starbloom nodded smiling at her. "Alright, we'll let the nurse know." Sweetie Belle said as they head to the door, "Was good seeing you again."
"See ya later," Apple Bloom said smiling watching as they go before relaxing back against the pillows. Featherweight waving goodbye to them as they go.
Starbloom and Sweetie walk with the nurse back to the waiting room, "She wants to see Rarity and Fluttershy next." Starbloom said once they got into the waiting room.
Fluttershy and Rarity got up to go back with the nurse, Sweetie and Rarity said goodbye to each other first as Starbloom went to say goodbye to Twilight. "We're going to head home now mama, have a good night." Starbloom told Twilight as Sweetie came over.
"Alright Starbloom, get some rest you look very tired." Twilight told her Sweetie nodding in agreement.
"I'll make sure she does Twilight," Sweetie said looking from Starbloom to Twilight.
Starbloom smiled and nodded before she and Sweetie started to walk back home. The walk was quiet, and once they got inside Starbloom headed to the kitchen.
"Hey you're suppose to be going to bed." Sweetie told her as she followed.
Starbloom looked back at her and smiled, "I know but I wanna get something to drink first," Starbloom said using her magic to get down a glass and a bottle of milk out filling the glass.
Sweetie sighed before smiling, getting her own glass down and takes the milk from Starbloom filling herself a cup before putting it away. "I could use a drink myself," She said putting the milk away after filling her glass.
They take a seat at the bar. "Besides one of us should wait up for Twist," Starbloom said sipping her milk, reaching out with her magic to get her bottle of pain medicine and takes one.
Sweetie watches quietly and nods. "I guess so, I can wait up for her," she said sipping her milk. "What do you think of Apple Bloom's foal?" Sweetie asked after a moment.
Starbloom closed her eyes as she thought about it for a moment. "It's really cute, she's lucky." Starbloom said after a moment smiling.
Sweetie smiled, "Yes, it is but that's not what I meant." she said looking at Starbloom.
Starbloom sighed softly nodding, "I know Sweetie," Starbloom said before smiling at her. "I think it's a blessing for the family. I do think they are very lucky to have him."
Sweetie smiled at Starbloom nodding, "I agree, the Apple family is lucky. I just hope we'll get just as lucky soon." Sweetie said leaning over and kissing Starbloom's cheek.
"I'm sure we will Sweetie," Starbloom said smiling at the kiss on her cheek. She finished her milk before moving to her hooves. "But, I'm going to head to bed now. Try not to stay up to late, Twist might be a while especially if she goes in with Pinkie Pie."
Sweetie nodded at Starbloom smiling. "I know, I won't stay up too late." Sweetie said sipping her milk.
Starbloom made her way up the stairs to their room and got in on her side of the bed settling under the covers as she started to drift off to sleep.
Aw... Cinnamon Apple is cute! And I know Applebloom will be a great mother to him. Also, I hope Sweetie Belle and Starbloom are as lucky as Applebloom one day.
3120664 Yep But I need to get back into the action stuff, this story is turning into a Slice of Life story.
3120859
Yeah, I agree on that. There is more than likely going to be an attack on someone that Mare do Well will have to fight... I only hope She's ready for it, and hasn't gone soft just yet.
3121572 Mmhmm
Okay, caught up as much I could although I think a new chapter got added since I stuffed all I could into my Kindle for easy reading whenever I had to the time.
You warned me ahead of time about the risk of typos in this like in other stories, so I won't go too much into that. Except two things I think you need to keep in mind as you write. A common mistake you keep making which slows down the reading flow abit. Just simple, basic things.
You forget the proper use of "too" always writing "to". There's a difference between "To you", "to do" and "too much". Forgetting that extra o every time can have a small effect on the reading flow, small yes but when repeated it can start to stick out a bit. Keep in mind when to use "too" in the future as you write.
The other is how you for the use of a comma in front of names. That can have a big impact on the meaning of a sentence. Where "I mean it, Twilight!" shows through a comma that it is a sentence spoken TO someone, "I mean it Twilight" removing the comma can make it look like you just forgot the "it's", giving the sentence a completely different meaning. If the sentence is ABOUT the person no need for comma. If the sentence is something SPOKEN TO the person, remember the comma. It's a common mistake in your writings which I'm sure mostly only bother grammar nazis. But it can easily be removed by you just keeping these guidelines and writing rules in mind as you write until it becomes natural.
ALL RIGHT, getting that off of my chest let's focus on the actual story.
I really like your writing in this. Where you in the past had problems with adding too much unnecessary details into unnecessary descriptions of repeative actions, it actually works well in this story. Your detailed descriptions in the fighting scenes is what I'm thinking about here. You describe every part of the battles in ways I can only envy, because writing scenes like that is really hard. But you get the descriptions just right, adding in details and ideas mostly only scene in cartoons and animated works because it's hard to bring that into life in writing. You found a use for your descriptive writing style in that. Which I think deserve praise.
The idea s good too, again I love alternative worlds and universes and playing with the hero concept is great to me. I RP stuff like this, Power Pony universes with own heroes and villains. You got some good ideas going and explanations for them. Buuuut a few kinks in the story flow where you lose great potential.
I like the use of Nightmare as an opposite Mare Do Well, like a NegaDuck to Darkwing Duck. But you could have played it out much better than you did. Keeping Nightshade/Nightmare's true identity as a secret to the readers as well as Starbloom much longer could have been a great built up. Instead of having her reveal herself right away to explain as much as possible to the readers. In the past you have had mixes of making great build ups but failing at the delivery, or making almost no build up to a delivery that could have been better with one. Here you ruined a delivery because you made no build up whatsoever for it.
After the whole reveal of Nightshade things began going down for the story about. Moving the whole scene away from the perfect hero/villain showdown stage, Manehattan, slowed everything down a bit. A few plot holes following it, like what makes NIghtmare/Nightshade so obsessed with Starbloom, even when she backs out to live in Ponyville with Sweetie Belle? A lot of conflicts you invite into the story just becomes too casual and less worrisome, removing the need for tension. And tension is important to keep a story interesting.
You took a few wrong turns, but you still got good stories going, but be careful with adding in new elements if they don't become part of the bigger story or worthy of helping with the built up.
But I must admit I liked the chapter with Silver Blade's flashbacks. A classic way to tell a character's motivations and it really did justify Silver Blade's behaviour and actions. It also brought a sense of how much you think in moving pictures, like in the fighting scenes, when you write. Just don't get too casual in your style about things meant to bring tension. Don't solve things too easily, because then the readers too just begins to shrug everything off and the story loses its bite.
Still good story and continue on writing though. Hoping I'm not being too harsh on you with these older texts ^^;