I've had some pretty bad days,but none worse then the day I collapsed on Twilight Sparkle's doorstep.
My sweaty yellow mane clung to my face as I knocked on her door."Hello?Uh...Twilight?" The door opened,a shocked looking unicorn stared down at me.She started to speak,but I stopped her "No,I need to tell you something.I can't forget it,you have to remind me."
"But,who are you?!" she screamed.
"Uh,first,can you stop screaming?It's kinda hurting my ears and i'm feeling kind of...odd.You have to let me tell you now.I fear I won't remember for long."
She looked at me strangely,then said "Okay,tell me."
"There is something in the Everfree forest,something that will save Equestria from what is going to happen.You have to find the-the.Oh darn!It's not..." I shake my head in frustration "I can't remember.Oh!You really need to listen to what i'm about to tell you...i'm...i'm..." I could feel my memory starting to fade.
"What?!" asked Twilight,desperately trying to keep me talking.I knew what was happening.It was impossible for me to say more,my important message was already lost.
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"Am I in a hospital?" I asked,moving around on an uncomfortable bed.
"Yeah,Twilight said you just blacked out.I don't know why she had to take you to the hospital,though,you seem just fine to me." responded a pink earth pony.
"Hm..." I sat up,basically ignoring the pink pony's words"What's that?The little...picture thing you have?"
"Oh,that's a cutie mark!I have three balloons as a cutie mark,but I guess you can see th-"
"Okay!" I sigh,covering my ears as she's talking rather loudly "Do I have one?"
"No," she though for a moment-it seemed like she never stopped talking,and I was greatful for the momentary pause "I don't think you do,which is weird for how old you are.I mean,you're as tall as Princess Luna!You'd think you'd have a cutie mark."
"Princess Luna?"I ask,wondering who she is,the name sounded familiar.When she didn't answer I said "Well,then.Where's this Twilight?I only remember a few things...is she a unicorn?"
"Yeah,she's a unicorn.She's in the Everfree forest,I think.She said something about it earlier when she asked me to keep an eye on you."
"Uh-huh." I said,nodding "Is your name Pinkie Pie?"
This caught her attention. "Yeah,how did you know that?"
"I must've heard you say it." She looked suspicious for a moment,then it faded."Anyway,I need to find Twilight.See ya,Pinkie." I began walking away.
"But I don't think you're supposed to leave yet!" said Pinkie Pie,randomly appearing in front of me.I jumped.
"I'm not even going to ask how you just did that,but it was seriously awesome." I gape at her "Don't worry about me,though,I'll be fine!" I smiled,turning a corner.
"But,I don't think the doctors would like it if you left.They said you were still recovering!" she said,randomly appearing in front of me again.
"Okay,as awesome as that is,please stop.It's starting to scare me."
"Okay,but I really think you should go back." she smiled.
"Eh,i'm okay.I think.Seriously,just go back to my room and if anyone asks where I am,say I left." I mumble while thinking"People are going to follow me if I just walk out of here,and i'm not sure these are going to work." I looked back at my wings."I wonder if I could teleport there or something?"
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"Woah!" said Twilight,once again wearing a shocked expression.I would of laughed,had this visit not been so serious."You can telep-oh,I forgot you're an alicorn.I still can't believe that!"
"Yeah," I said,not bothering to ask what an 'alicorn' was "I can't remember anything!Wait,I take that back,I remember a few things."
"What's your name?" asked Twilight.I considered this for a moment,and then remembered.
"Delanie."
"You remember at least one thing then.I need to tell you something.Look up,Delanie." I looked up to see what looked like a forest in flames.
"Dang,when did that start?"
"When I got here everything was okay,then I looked at it,and-well,you can see what happened."
"That was important,wasn't it?" I said solemnly.
"You said something was in it that would save Equestria.We'll never get to it now." she hung her head.
"Oh no." I say,causing Twilight to look up.
"What is it?"
"Does anyone live in there?" I whisper,fearing the answer.
Twilight's eyes go wide as she says "Zecora,but i'm sure she was smart enough to get out of there."
"I hope for her sake she is."I think "Or was."I glanced back up at the burning trees."Wait,the trees,they're not burning...how is that possible?"
"Oh,I've read about that somewhere!it's a really powerful spell.It just keeps burning,it kind of forms a wall so no one can get in.On the bright side," she turned to me "it can't catch anything else on fire."
I grin at this "Good for whoever Zecora is and anypony who lives near here."
"Atleast I got some good news today" mumbles Twilight.I ignore her words and think about earlier.
"Oh,who's Princess Luna?I asked your friend earlier,but she was distracted or something and didn't answer."
"Oh,Princess Luna is the youngest princess.She has an older sister too,Princess Celestia.Both are alicorns," she pauses before adding "like you."
I think about these two alicorns for a bit,the names seeming eerily familiar.I looked back up at the unburning trees once more."We need to get inside without getting burnt."I think "I have an idea!" I screamed,excited.
"What is it?" she asks.
"You wouldn't happen to know who Doctor Whooves is,would you?"
I just clicked on this story as a spur of the moment thing, since it was in the first position of just incoming stories on the site. You wanted constructive criticism, and I'll try to conform to that, since you say it's your first fic and all.
First off, and probably most marring of all: don't do an alicorn OC. Seriously. It's been done a lot of times before, and only about a handful have worked in a dramatically and narratively consistent and coherent way.
The success of these characters in fanfiction is very much up for debate too, so yeah. I would strongly advise you not to use an alicorn OC for any story, or any purpose, ever, unless it's an integral story element in the greatest epic ever written or if you can really, really make it work some other way. If that time ever comes, I think you will know it.
Second, grammatical problems and sentence structures. After having spent much too many reviews nitpicking my way through people's fics and offering to be a beta reader, I've come to the simple and elegant solution of telling people that their writing will often improve significantly if they let someone else read what they write before they post it to a reading audience. Most of the really well-known writers around do this, and there is no shame whatsoever in asking for assistance in this way.
While you spell quite adequately, you seem to have some issues with punctuation and capitalization, both of which a word processor with a correction feature would probably help you avoid.
And third. While I would not accuse your OC of belonging to this archetype based on this installment of your fic, I feel I saw enough warning signs to know what might be incoming if it's not nipped in the bud. So, I will link an informative site for you, which I suggest you study with great care and learn to steer way clear of all the hallmark signs of a Mary Sue character: TvTropes on Mary Sue characters
Lastly, I've been in your situation before. We all have, and it's no fun being told that you have some distance yet to travel before your writing is really able to speak for itself. But stick with it, suck it up, listen to what people tell you and let it temper you, and you will learn and grow. Here's hoping you don't take the easy way out and quit, or worse still that you take my well-intentioned post as a personal attack and as slander and carry on in spite. Take care.
320769 Okay,while you say I shouldn't do alicorn OC,she's already an alicorn.I will keep in mind,however,to not do that anymore.I'll look into the beta reader thing too,I suppose,and I have a word processor with a correction feature,so I'll start using it.The reason it has taken me so long to answer is because I've been reading about Mary Sue characters,and I will try to stop Delanie from being one.She was never intended to be like that.So,anyway,thanks for taking the time to comment and help!
Even though Alicorn OCs are usually frowned upon (I have one myself, but that character is underused), I have chosen to track and favorite this story because I would like to see the story improved.
Remember, writing a fanfic with an OC of any kind isn't easy, so don't give up. Keep trying.
335346 Thanks for favoriting and tracking.I'll try to make the story a lot better.