A struggling writer of the MLP fandom. Also a Doctor Who fan, a Trekkie, and much more.
Second person.
You are a summer away from attending U of MS when you are pulled into a universe of.... Ponies? You are noticed and questioned by Rainbow Dash and Twilight Sparkle. You soon learn of a threat to this town that arrived the same time as you and has kidnapped Rarity. You take it upon your self to defend ponyville. After all, this might all be your fault.
Teen for combat and romantic actions
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Don't worry people will comment soon.
Well, as for constructive critiscism, you have too many details. If you want a detailed story, that's great. But most of the details here are trivial. There's also something about a college student building a portable portal that comes off as too far-fetched, even for fantasy stories about ponies. But beside that, you did set up a character, what he was doing with his life, etc. In just a few paragraphs, so I'll give you credit for that. Let's see where the rest of the story takes us.
Alright, here goes. I do like some of the details you put in here, (I've never thought about how physical objects would transform, even though the animals do, so that was a very creative detail with the money) and you have some decent dialogue. My only problem here is that the behaviour is a little off. Rainbow was pretty spot on, but with Twilight staring at a stallion just because of his looks is something that never happened in the show, and with them slapping you for looking at their cutie marks, it's normal to look at each other's cutie marks in the show, so they wouldn't get embarrassed unless you were staring with obvious lust or something. And if that was the case, you should have written that in. Either way, decent chapter, there are a few grammar errors, but nothing that made me slip up or lose focus.
2738043 thank you.
I was just setting up the story. As for the portal, I didn't know how else to get you there.
2738088 Yeah sorry about that. I sort of jacked that up
but thanks for the help
I love how you didn't question they have a university for magic and science
So, this is where the plot starts, pretty good chapter, you seem to be getting better as you go. I only have a few things to nit-pick about in this one. First is the using of the term "science device" I assume you meant 'scientific device', but seeing it phrased like that made me laugh out loud, and that earned you a like, even though it was a very noticeable error. The second thing is that you explained that Tom became a pony because humans and ponies have the most similar society, but a short while later it's said that there were humans in Equestria, and that there's a good deal of information on them, such as what they could have evolved from. So I'm wondering, why didn't he turn into a human, if it's just done by similarity? And third, how does he already know so much about Pony society? ""I used a science device to come here from a universe only spoken about in theories in this universe. (how does he know about Equestria's multiverse theories, or maybe did you write it wrong and he meant that Twilight's world was just a theory in his?) I changed to a pony because in our universe, we run society the same as you do, so our species are equal. (already went over the paradox that happens here) Though, it looks as if we have more advanced technology, were as you have a pretty large lack of crime."(what and how does he know of pony technology or crime rates? Now if you wrote a bit about what evidence caused him to learn things, such as; 'I can tell by how easily you're accepting someone suspicious like me into your home so easily that you don't have much dangerous crime'.
Now, you should know that I'm not trying to be mean, but you asked in the author notes for constructive criticism and why you were getting dislikes. Paradoxes like this might turn people off. But still, I can see the potential this story has, and I'm going to keep reading and reviewing, if you don't like these reviews you can always delete them or ask me to delete them.
2738183 It could happen.
2738199 I forgot to mention his use of logic. Also, I never said there were humans in Equestria. I made you use logic. If we have myths of Pegasi and unicorns, so why not vice versa. I love your comments, by the way. Helps me write better. Also, science device was dumbing it down for Rainbow Dash.
The first few paragraphs have quite a few typos, and a few of them actually did trip me up. The rest of the story is pretty good. The way Pinkie just popped out of nowhere was pretty well done and surprised me, but during the 'surprise to wake her up' scene Rainbow was acting very in character and out of character at the same time. Her insisting he kiss Twilight was very in touch with Rainbow's practical joker side, but her grumbling that Twilight 'got' the stallion she just met was very out of character. As for Twilight's kiss... well, she's never really been kissed in the show, so who knows how she'd react?
-: out of character RD & Twi, grammar
+: in character Pinkie & RD, dialogue, and the whole scene in general was pretty funny. I also like that you brought back the ten-dollar bill trasforming.
2738236 alright, that clears some stuff up, but why would it say that we evolved from monkeys in the 'myths'? Maybe Equestrians just have very scientific and detailed myths, ah well. Nitpicking.
Don't really have much critiscism for this one. He arrived at the conclusion to become Batman pretty quickly, and there were quite a few grammar mistakes near the top. I also don't really like that he managed to create a unicorn's horn capable of magic in a few minutes, but you have established him as a genius, so that's okay. Still, getting better with each chapter.
2738322 Not magic, only levitating objects
Well... I guess it's a recurring theme that all of the Elements have the out-of-character hots for a random stallion that appeared out of nowhere, but, hey, it's your story. Decent action, I was surprised that the villain was blueblood, pretty good chapter.
2738362 I didn't find Rarity's behavior ooc. Lets face it, she'd fall for anypony willing to fight for her. And Pinkie pie was just thanking you. She wasn't all over you like Rarity. The other two were just the fact I wanted romance somewhere. I frown upon it now. I however don't regret Rarity or Pinkie Pies actions
Well... that was strange. My main issue is that everyone was acting out of character, but still, i didn't notice any typos if there were any, and the story length and pace is improving. Also, I'm unnerved that Rarity was offering sex so casually, but meh, your story. Just... well, I'm not really attracted to them and I don't see why Tom Folk, a human is. But, still your story.
2738389 okay, you got me there. Ooc I didn't notice. You didn't acknowledge the Doctor who reference or the slight foreshadowing of the lawyer with his face half burnt off.
2738403 Well, considering all the ridiculousness going on having the Doctor pop out of nowhere didn't really shock me. As for the lawyer, I don't know why but my mental image was instead of him being burned down the middle of his face I saw him with just below his waist burned. I don't know why I didn't connect him with Harvey considering Blueblood suddenly becoming the Joker (you don't think it's out of character for someone that egotistical and snobbish to suddenly cut open his face to smile more?)
2738433 He's gone insane, so no. Thank you.
2738445 it depends, is he a psychopath, or a sociopath, and even then, how much of his motivation is left? If he wanted to kill Rarity because she turned him down and hurt his self-image, why would he cut his own face up if he was that narcissistic? But you know, the story has gotten to a point where it's too ridiculous to speak seriously about.
2740011 My idea had been that BlueBlood snobbish arrogance had driven many mares away, but Rarity was the one that made him snap. At that point, he gives up on his hopes of being loved entirely. The Prankster was supposed to be basically a smaller, less dangerous Joker who gets worse when you defend Rarity.
2740011 Hey I just wanted to let you know a new chapter was added. It's a reply so you'd get the email
hey pretty good I liked it this will be a very good story, I hope you make many more chapters and never give up, also, check out my story "A friend to the end if you ever get a chance, and if you do please review and let me know how it is, and also please favorite if you liked it tell me what you thought, and again, good story.
3019520 Oh, the story's over, and from all the dislikes, and my other story, it might be a while if I ever make a sequel.
or a crossover